(Scene opens up in Baljeet's room.)
Baljeet: To truly understand my predicament, I feel it will be best expressed in a song. (Claps hands twice)
(Intro to "Baliwood" starts, then the camera pans to the exterior of the Flynn-Fletcher house...)
(In Candace's room...)
Candace: Let's see, who should I call first to hang out with? (Holds up cell phone) How about Jeremy!
Jeremy: (Via recording) Hey, it's Jeremy. You know what to do after the (beep)
Candace: Oh, hey, Jeremy. It's Candace. Uh, just seeing what's going on today. Call me back if you want to. Okay, bye! (Closes cell phone) Oh, man, that never gets easier. Oh, well, I'll just call Stacy. (Opens cell phone) She's probably been waiting by the phone all morning.
Stacy: (Via recording) You've reached Stacy's mobile. Leave a message, I'll get back to you.
Candace: Hey, Stace! It's Candace. Where are you? Call me! Hmm. That's weird. Who else can I call? I know! Jenny! I haven't seen her since the boys built a beach in the backyard.
Candace: Jenny, hey, it's Candy.
Jenny: (Via recording) Leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
Candace: Call me. Hmm. Who else do I know? Becky, this is Candace. I know we haven't talked since kindergarten, but... Hey, Wendy. This is Candace. We shared a seat on the bus to planetarium. Hello? Clarissa, this is Candace. We played volleyball at camp. Jill? Nancy? Barbara? Olga? Chicago Joe!
Candace: See a movie with me. (Screams) Where is everyone?
(Scene switches to Candace, who's now downstairs)
Candace: Are they all out having fun without me?
(Candace leaves; Perry then arrives to use an entrance to his lair)
(Scene switches to the garage)
Candace: So all my friends need some time to themselves, huh? (puts on her bike helmet)Well, not without me they're not.
(Candace leaves on her bike; her theme playing in the background)
(Scene switches to the exterior of the Googolplex Mall)
Manager: Hey; I'm looking for Jeremy too. I need him to work tomorrow. Our fry guy just defected over to Taco Tepee. (at Taco Tepee manager) You win this one, Cooks with Grease!
(Scene switches to Candace, pushing her bike)
Candace: Am I that bad to hang out with?
(Cell phone beeping)
Candace: Ooh! A text message. And it's from Stacy!
Candace: "CYL, BFF, S." What does that mean? Let's see. "Candace, You Loser....Bad Friendships Fail...Stacy." Harsh!
Candace: (sighs) Feels like I don't exist anymore, like I'm a nobody. I wish I could go to some cool faraway place and start over. Wait a minute. Those are Phineas and Ferb's bikes!
(Scene switches to Baljeet's room)
Baljeet: Inside I am thanking you a thousand times, even though on the outside I remain quite frugal.
Phineas: See you tomorrow.
Candace: What are you guys up to?
Phineas: We just built a teleport to a cool, faraway place.
Candace: Well, that's all I needed to hear! Candace Flynn is out. Peace! (Walks through the portal)
Phineas: Welcome to Mars.
(Portal fizzes then short-circuits)
Baljeet: Oh, no! The portal is broken! Ooh, now I will not get a good grade at the science fair tomorrow, and, uh,... there's also the issue of your sister stranded on a distant, barren planet.
Phineas: Don't worry, we can fix it. Heh. Candace is probably laughing about it as we speak!
(Back on Mars)
♪ Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.! ♪
(Perry uses a rope to climb up the building, then uses a laser to get into Doofenshmirtz's apartment. While he goes into a fighting stance, the camera pans to Doofenshmirtz, who's coloring on a blueprint)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, what's up? Oh, are you here to...? Oh, no, no. I'm running a little behind. I'm still in the middle of basic plotting and scheming. Plus, I-I...can't give you my evil scheme monologue because I write that last. Sorry! That's just how I roll.
(Perry's about to leave, when Doofenshmirtz stops him)
Doofenshmirtz: Wait, wait! Why don't you help me? That way I can finish faster and you can defeat me faster. It's win-win! Let me grab my coupons. We'll start by shopping for some supplies.
Candace: You guys are so busted! (echoing) Busted...busted... Now I truly am alone. (Notices a Mars Rover) Hey, it's one of those Mars Rovers. I'm saved!
(Scene switches to a command center)
("Watchin' and Waitin'" instrumental)
Man: (Screaming) I can't take it anymore! I've been staring at red rocks for 20 years! That's all that is on that stupid planet! Red rocks! Face it, there's no life on Mars. That's it! I'm shutting this place down! Game over! (The screen shuts down)
Candace: (While kicking at the Mars Rover) Stupid Rover! You're not going to ignore me too. Take that, you ugly, unmanned exploratory vehicle! And that!
Candace: Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. (Notices a Martian) Huh?
Martian: (Taps the broken Rover)
Candace: What are you?
Martians: (Speaking in a foreign language)
Candace: What's going on? What are you doing? Put me down!
(Scene switches to Baljeet's room, where Phineas and Ferb just fixed the portal)
Phineas: There! I think we fixed it.
Baljeet: No, that is Venus. And that is Earth in prehistoric time. (Gasps, yells) Change it, change it, change it! Hey, look, it is us in the future fixing the portal.
Baljeet of the future: Hello, Baljeet of the past! Just watch us. That is how we learned to fix it. Gesundheit!
Baljeet: Thanks. (Sneezes)
(The portal opens, showing the broken Mars Rover.)
Phineas: It worked. Cool! (At Baljeet) Ok, give us 20 minutes to find Candace, then open up the portal.
Baljeet: Ooh, please be careful. I still need your help at the science fair tomorrow.
(The portal closes)
Phineas: Hmm. Something tells me Candace was here. Good thing you brought your tools. I got an idea.
Candace: Okay, what's going on? (A Martian places a crown on her head) Ooh. You're making me your ruler?
Martians: (Speaking foreign language)
Candace: Cool! Let's get this party started! Crank the tunes.
Candace: Uh, you know, music. You guys don't know what music is? Well, it's like...it's like this.
(Up-tempo beats play)
Candace: That's it! You're getting it.
(Song: "Queen of Mars")
Candace: ♪ I was just a lonely girl looking for a little fun ♪
♪ Though without a friend in the world I was forced to find a new one! ♪
♪ Now I'm the Queen of Mars I was invisible on Earth ♪
♪ It only took a magic portal to Mars to give me some self worth ♪
♪ You put a crown on my head, and you all seem to worship me ♪
♪ Well you don't understand a word I've said, still you treat me like royalty!! ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm the Queen of Mars I was invisible on Earth ♪
♪ It only took a magic portal to Mars and give me some self worth ♪
Phineas: Whoo-hoo! (Ah, yeah) Follow that music, Ferb!
Candace: You are much more attentive than my friends on Earth, and better at building statues of me. Come on, let's walk and talk. Of course, I'll do most of the talking. Okay. To make things easier, I'll call you Good Stacy, and you, Good Jenny. And...huh?
Martians: (Speaking foreign language)
Candace: Oh, okay, what the heck? (Smashes a Mars Rover)
(Phineas and Ferb arrive in the fixed up Mars Rover)
Phineas: Hey, Candace.
Candace: Phineas? Ferb?
Martians: (Chattering indistinctly)
Phineas: We're here to rescue you.
Candace: Why would I go back to being a nobody when I could be the queen of here?
Phineas: Well, there's a lot of... Uh, Candace, what's up with your friends?
Candace: Ah, ignore them. They're harmless. Hey, why don't you hang out while so you can tell everyone how popular I've become.
(Scene switches to a supermarket)
Doofenshmirtz: (While pushing a shopping cart) Okay, I've already got the chicken wire. Let's see. Oh, here! (Hands a list to Perry, who's sitting in the child's seat) You-you...take the list and cross things off as we go. Should we get something for later, like...like...one of those big pickles or a three-bean salad? (he bumps the shopping cart against another one)
(The camera pans out to reveal the other shopping cart is being pushing by Monogram with Carl in the child's seat. Awkward pause then Monogram backs away.)
Doofenshmirtz: Well, that was awkward.
(Scene switches to a palace on Mars)
Candace: I'm just gonna go for a walk. (A group of Martians points to a Mars Rover) Uh...uh...guys, not now, okay? (more Martians surrounds her) No, really, I would just like to got for a walk alone. (Groaning) (At Phineas and Ferb) There you are! Where've you guys been?
Phineas: Ferb was just explaining to the Martians how we got here.
Candace: Oh. Wait, what?
Phineas: Ferb speaks Martian. They're really excited about the idea of a science fair.
Candace: Figures. I'm the queen of little green nerds. Can you tell them that I want a little time to myself?
Ferb, Martian: (Both speaking Martian)
Ferb: They say fine, but not without them.
Candace: (Groans) Okay; just because I need to do things without you, sometimes, doesn't mean I don't like you or don't appreciate your friendship.
Phineas: But Candace, isn't that...
Candace: Yeah, yeah, just like my friends with me. Whoop-de-doo!
Martians: (All speaking Martian)
Phineas: It appears the Martians are blaming us for their queen wanting to leave.
Candace: Quick! Get in! Queen Candace is out! Peace!
Martians: (All screeching)
Phineas: Did you know they could do that?
Candace: No, but get this: Every part of their body is a musical instrument, and they never discovered music before. Martians are so lame.
Phineas: Hey, Candace. You got your cell phone on you? (At Baljeet) Hello, Baljeet?
Candace: How is it we have bars here?
Phineas: We kinda need you to open the portal now.
Candace: They're gaining on us!
Giant Martian: (Screaming)
(Portal opens; Candace drives through it)
(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, thanks for your help. I usually hate shopping, but, you know. You make it fun.
(Perry, looking tired and cranky, points at something)
Doofenshmirtz: What, that? Oh, that's my first Inator. Good story. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Well, I should probably get back to my latest evil scheme! (Slams door with a foot) So long...sucker!
(Scene switches to the backyard)
Candace: Mom, Mom!
Linda: Well, hello, Candace. Where've you been? I want you to see my telescope.
Candace: A telescope? Perfect!
(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz standing by his first Inator)
Doofenshmirtz: You know, I don't even remember what this does. (He pushes a button on the Inator, and a green beam shoots out of it) Oh, that's right, it just shoots a beam into space. No wonder why I lost to a baking soda volcano.
(Scene switches to the backyard)
Candace: Phineas and Ferb built this portal to Mars. I went through it and was crowned queen of the Martians. Now I know it sounds crazy, but this time, I have proof.
(She looks through the telescope and it eventually zooms in to an in-graving of her head)
Candace: Who does that look like?
(The beam from Doofenshmirtz's first Inator hits Mars)
Linda: (while looking through the telescope) Hmm. Well, it looks a little like a rhesus monkey wearing a powdered wig.
Candace: What? Let me see that.
(She looks through it again and sure enough, the in-graving has changed)
(Scene switches to the front yard)
Jenny: Hey, Candace.
Candace: Oh, there you are, guys! Where have you been all day?
Jenny: I was at the dentist.
Jeremy: I was taking my little sister to the movies.
Stacy: Didn't you get my text message? "Call You Later, Best Friends Forever. Stacy."
Candace: Oh. (Chuckling) That's what I thought it said. It's funny, I kind of thought you guys were avoiding me.
: Actually, I was trying to avoid you.
Candace: (Pauses) Do I know you?
Unknown guy: No, that's how great it's been working. Unknown guy is out. Pee-ace!
(Caption: 24 Hours Later)
Doofenshmirtz: I am invincible! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Where are we going?
(He and the portal vanishes with a poof of smoke)
Doofenshmirtz: (Groaning) Where am I? (The Martians surrounds him) Okay. Be cool, okay? (Notices the crown) What? Oh, you're going to make me your king? Well, ok, if you must. (Stuttering) What?
(A Martian places a crown on a baking soda volcano)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, come on!