The Phineas and Ferb Effect/Memorable Quotes

Prologue

Doofenshmirtz: So lemme get this straight, there are pistachion monsters everywhere and they're bad. You went back in time to 1965 and found out that one of them had taken over some... TV show. But when you got back to the present, those same plant monsters had imprisoned everyone in a lard-themed amusement park, and replaced them with plants wearing rubber human masks. The only way to fix this is with a time machine. Yours is broken, and you're looking for some guy named "Professor Time" to help you. So... in a nutshell, what you're saying is, you're not the pizza delivery guy. Milo: No, we are not the pizza delivery guy.

Act I

Doofenshmirtz: I have branding in the future? Cavendish: Of course you do! T-shirts, hats, I'm wearing your underpants. Well, not your underpants. They're Professor Time brand. They have your picture on them. Do you want to see? Doofenshmirtz: Errrrrrrrrrrrr... no.

Buford: (to Zack and Melissa) So, uh, what'cha deal anyway? You two a couple or somethin'?

Martin: So what am I doing here? Melissa: I was hoping for a little Murphy's Law? Martin: That's not really how it works.

Orton: So, basically, we need you to invent a time machine. Doofenshmirtz: Well, it just so happens I've already built a time machine! Behold! The Time Traveler-inator! Orton: Fascinating! Dakota: It looks like a taco.

Dakota: Why you talkin' to Milo's dog? Diogee: (pants) Doofenshmirtz: (stammering) I'm sorry, I... Force of habit, I guess. Y-You mean he's not a, y'know, with the little hat, part of a secret organization. None of that? Dakota: No, he's just a dog. Doofenshmirtz: Ehhh, as far as you know.

(repeated line) Doofenshmirtz: I'm not the environment.

Major Monogram: Doofenshmirtz, old-timey guy, other... oddly dressed people... Dakota: Heh heh. "Old-timey guy". Cavendish: I heard him.

Milo: Wait a minute! I have one of the clocks! Dakota gave it to me! Dakota: Yeah! I did! (to Cavendish) Look at me thinkin' ahead! Betcha there's some time juice in that. Milo: It's in my room, back at the house! Dakota: What, it's not in your backpack?! Milo: Who keeps a clock in their backpack?! Heh. That's just weird.

(after the Time Traveler-inator is crushed) Dakota: Now it looks like nachos.

Milo: Anything that can go wrong near me usually will. Doofenshmirtz: That's a law? I've had that my whole life! (gasps) Maybe we're related.

Milo: (holding Diogee) Back! He's loaded!

Derek: Oh. Where'd they go? Ugh! Too much exposition. Pistachion 4: Yeah. That's probably why your show was cancelled.

Cavendish: This is an historic moment, Dakota. Dakota: Who knew that time machine would also be a taco stand? Doofenshmirtz: Yeah. You know, you said it looked like a taco before, it got me thinkin'... It's not too much, is it? Milo: Not as long as you can take us back in time to 1965, and get Orton his show back, and defeat the pistachions, and save the world! Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, no pressure. I'm gonna go back to talkin' to the dog.

Cavendish: Quick! Start it! Let's get outta here! Doofenshmirtz: What does it look like I'm doin', makin' chalupas? Although, this is the same machine I use to make chalupas, so I understand the confusion.

Milo: Hey! Over here, nut-jobbers! Pistachion 5: "Nut-jobbers"? Pistachion 6: Well, it does kinda describe us, but it's just rude.

Cavendish: Without juice from those clocks, we'll be stuck here forever! Doofenshmirtz: Forever?! Now I really regret not putting a bathroom on this thing. Plus, all I serve is Mexican food, so you do the math.

Doofenshmirtz: So ya got any hot sauce packets? Perry: (gives Doof one, then chatters) Doofenshmirtz: Yes. Yes I do have a hot sauce packet, here ya go.

Zack: Is it okay if I start squealing in fear again?

Candace: Oh. Hi, guys. Baljeet: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Oh, you do not know her. She can be very intimidating.

Buford: Don't worry, I gotta plan! (pushing Baljeet) Here! We offer our nerd in sacrifice! Baljeet: Buford!

Act II

Phineas: Hey, guys! Need a hand? Buford: Oh, I get it! That's an actual hand! Baljeet: We got it, Buford!

Pistachion 7: We have you surrounded, meatbags! Phineas: "Meatbags"? Well, it does kinda describe us, but it's just rude.

Phineas: Service! Now this is gonna make a racket! Buford: A racket! I get it! You use an actual— Baljeet: We get it, Buford!

Zack: And why do you have a giant tennis racket machine? Phineas: Oh, we wanted to build another one to play tennis from opposite sides of the city. Oh, hold on. (whacks a pistachion) But then, hello? Pistachion monsters! Huh. How weird is that? Zack: Only slightly weirder than a giant tennis racket machine.

Dakota: Warthog, waxwing, weasel, weevil, weever finch, wildebeest, yak, yellow jacket, and zebra, and those are all the animals in the African savannah section of the zoo. Now onto the rainforest section. I think it's the agutee, the... Cavendish: Oh-ho, will you please be quiet?! Dakota: Well, you won't let me sing the zoo song, and I gotta do somethin' to pass the time. Cavendish: Well, that's just it! We are in the time stream! Time doesn't pass! Dakota: So how come we got these beards? Cavendish: (gesturing toward Doof) Because he made us wear them!

Cavendish: Be careful! Hurry! Dakota: "Be careful" or "hurry"? Choose one!

Cavendish: This is a day later than we were shooting for! We've lost the element of surprise! Doofenshmirtz: Aw, yeah, y'know, I can't pinpoint a specific day. I didn't have room. Orton: What do you mean? Doofenshmirtz: Year, Month, cup holder. I needed a cup holder there. Cavendish: (taking his beard off) And yet, you had room for false beards? What kind of a scientist are you?! Doofenshmirtz: All right, anyone who built a time machine today, raise your hand. (raises his hand) Yeah, I thought so! You get what you get, and you don't get upset!

Baljeet: I cannot believe that Milo's mere presence can affect the probability of events around him! That violates every known law of physics! Buford: What about Murphy's Law? Baljeet: Nobody has really studied Murphy's Law. Maybe if we analyze it, we could use it to our advantage. Buford: Ya mean weaponize it?

Phineas: But there's gotta be a workaround for this "Murphy's Law" effect. Melissa: Well, what do you usually do when things go wrong? (beat as Phineas and Ferb look at each other) Phineas: We have no frame of reference for that.

Cavendish: Where the juice is Doofenshmirtz? How long does it take to get some orange soda? Dakota: Well, this is the 1960s. Life's kinda slower paced.

Pistachion 9: Ah, y'know, sometimes it's not worth getting out of the garden each morning. Pistachion 10: Way to bring down the room, Shawn!

(referring to Candace) Zack: Hey, where's she taking Milo? Melissa: That is weird. Zack: Wait a minute. What do we really know about her? She could be a pistachion spy! Melissa: Of course! How could we not see it?! No human being has a neck that long!

(Melissa and Zack follow Candace and Milo out the door.) Baljeet: Hey, where are those two going?! Buford: Called it! They're a couple!

Act III

Melissa: How come this mask won't come off?! Candace: Because it's my face! Milo: Stop, guys! Uh, she's not a plant! Melissa: Really? With that neck? Candace: What's wrong with my neck?!

Cavendish: Well, we don't want to go back too far. We... We'd have to get jobs and apartments. Doofenshmirtz: We can all live together like a '70s sitcom! In the '50s! Announcer: Four Men & a Platypus is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, who wants orange soda? (Doof opens up a can, but it accidentally electrocutes the time machine. The others gasp.) Doofenshmirtz: Oh, sorry. This... This is like another sitcom! Announcer: That Darn Doof!

Cavendish: This is your fault! Now we're stranded here! Doofenshmirtz: Hmmm, stranded on a desert island. Now that's a sitcom! Announcer: Doof Island is filmed in front of a— Cavendish: No! No! You've ruined everything! You were supposed to be this genius who was going to save us, but no! (imitating Doof) "I want orange soda! I don't want to put a day setting on my time machine because I want a cup holder!" Doofenshmirtz: Is that supposed to be me? Dakota: (hypocritically, since he's also voiced by Povenmire) Yeah, that's you. Your voice is really annoying.

Doofenshmirtz: Look, I don't know how time travel is supposed to work! W-W-When I hit that escape button, I was pretty sure we would just explode! You're the one who says I'm some time travel hero in the future! This is on you, buddy! And let me tell you, I know when I'm not wanted! (leaves, but then comes back) Is it... Is it now? It's, uh... It's now, right? Fine!

Doofenshmirtz: Apparently, the locals are not music fans.

Cavendish: How could there be another you?! And another? And another? And another? Dozens of you! I'm getting to the bottom of this! Dakota: Cavendish, wait, wait! Oh... Fertilize me.

Baljeet: (at the computer) The data shows that Murphy's Law is much more of a force of nature than we thought previously. Like gravity, a universal constant! Melissa: And I can back that up. I did tons of research and calculations trying to understand Murphy's Law. Baljeet: (suggestively) Research? Calculations? Ha-cha-cha! (to Zack) Oh, sorry, dude. Zack: WE'RE NOT A COUPLE!!!

Cavendish: I demand an explanation. Dakota: Yeah, well, it's a... it's a funny story. Y-You're gonna laugh. Cavendish: Probably not.

Cavendish: You... You really sacrificed yourself hundreds of times for me? Dakota: Yeah. Whatta ya gonna do? Y... You're Cavendish. Cavendish: Oh. My dear Dakotas, I want to thank you for what you all have done. Dakota Paradoxes: Whatta ya gonna do?

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, it's my orange soda! Where'd you get this? Dakota Paradox 7: Eh, that's how we run our economy. We manufacture laceless shoes and this. It's been banned in most of the free world, but we export it, why? Doofenshmirtz: Wait, doesn't that destroy the environment? Dakota Paradox 7: Yeah, I'm not the environment. Doofenshmirtz: That's great! Bring me all you've got! (Doof unrolls a blueprint onto a table.) Doofenshmirtz: We're gonna need a lot of cup holders!

(After Phineas, Milo, and the gang get caught by pistachions.) Buford: Ah, maybe I shouldn't have been livestreaming this.

Act IV

Buford: Well, this stinks like yesterday's shorts.

Derek: Hello, humankind. It's time. Time for a change. No longer will we be wearing silly rubber masks. Prepare to fall for my M.U.L.C.H. machine! Which stands for Machine Used for Literally Converting Humans To Plants. Baljeet: What about those last two letters? Buford: Yeah. Shouldn't it be M.U.L.C.H.T.P.? Derek: The T.P. is silent!

Phineas: You don't have to turn us into plants. There's gotta be a way we can coexist. I mean, haven't you seen the bumper stickers? Buford: Yeah. I promise I'd never eat at a salad bar ever again. Baljeet: You never do anyway. Buford: Yeah, but they didn't know that till now, Mr. Blabby McMoltenson! Baljeet: That is not my name!

Doofenshmirtz: Woohoo! So here's what I figured out: I'm not the environment, but you are! (They squirt orange soda at the pistachions.) Doofenshmirtz: See? Be-Because you're plants. The power of orange soda repels ya! The power of orange soda repels you! The power of orange so... It's... It's too long of a catchphrase.

Giant Pistachion: Wh— W... What have I become? Derek: What? Giant Pistachion: So much fighting. Derek: What are you doing? Giant Pistachion: Hurting people. Derek: W-W-What is happening? Giant Pistachion: Have I been chained up, underground for so long that I've forgotten compassion? Derek: W... What are you— Giant Pistachion: I gotta make up for this. Go out from here. Walk the land. Help people. (He puts on a baseball cap and carries a bindle stick and walks away.)

Milo: Time for some Murphy's Law and order! Phineas: That's what I'm talkin' about! Milo: Nice!

Milo: W-What do we do now? We don't have an extra power supply to fix this! Phineas: No! We can think of something! It's like you told us: "When life crushes your lemons..." Milo: That's it! The acid in a lemon can act as a battery and power up the suit! Phineas: Okay, but we'll need a lot more juice than one lemon. Milo: I have a whole bag of 'em! Phineas: Better, but we would need, like, over a hundred thousand— Milo: How about this radioactive watermelon? Phineas: Huh. Yeah, that works. Ferb, lock it in! Milo: Hey, could you guys use a blowtorch and some peanut butter? Phineas: How can we not have met before today?

Milo: When life crushes your lemons... Phineas: ...use a radioactive watermelon to recharge your exosuit!

Dakota: Looks like we're out of time! Doofenshmirtz: No! I am Professor Time! And we are not out of time until I say so! Dakota: But— Cavendish: Not now, Dakota. He's having a moment! Doofenshmirtz: And the day may come that we fall, but today is not that day! Cavendish: I believe in you!

Orton: Oh, this is gonna be great for my memoirs! Doofenshmirtz: I would read that. (gasps) Oh, that's it! I get it! All I have to do is remember to— (Suddenly, a time vortex opens up, and out from it emerges none other than Future Doofenshmirtz, now Professor Time, in a time machine not unlike the one from the museum.) Doofenshmirtz: Huh. Hey, look, I remembered! Orton: It's you! From the future! But... But how did you know to come— Professor Time: I read about it! In your memoir. Orton: Well, I'm certainly writing that down!

Professor Time: Hey, long time, no see, Cavendish! Cavendish: (squeals) He knows my name!

Professor Time: (to Orton) Come on. It's time for you and me to live up to our destiny. (giving Orton his Doctor Zone hat) Time for danger! Milo: Time for action! Orton: Time for Doctor Zone!

Derek: Yes, I can continue my father's work here in the past! Starting a 50-year plan to replace every human with plants in rubber masks! Orton: You're the pistachion that started all of this. Time is not on your side. Professor Time: Yeah, have some orange soda! On the house! (They squirt the orange soda at Derek, and he dies.)

Derek: No! It can't be! It was working! We had won! (fading from existence) How could it all go so wrong?! Milo: Mmm, that's Murphy's Law fer ya!

Bradley: W-Wait a minute! Why am I still part-plant?!

Dakota: Ah, well, we won another one partner. Although, I'm not sure Mr. Block is gonna see it that way. Bradley: But... But... I'm still part-plant! Cavendish: Unauthorized time travel, changing the space-time continuum, hundreds of rogue Dakotas. We're going to be in serious trouble, aren't we? Dakota Paradox 9: Yeah, you guys are hosed.

(after D.E.I. is destroyed by Murphy's Law) Doofenshmirtz: My building!! Ugh! (to Milo) May I crash on your couch?

Milo: Y'know, it's always great when you help create the show you've loved all your life. Buford: Whadaya mean "always"? That never happens! When in the history of the universe, other than this time, has that ever happened?

Milo: Well, nice to meet you guys. And, remember, we're just on the other side of town, so feel free to cross over any time! Phineas: We will! See ya soon!

(last line) Doofenshmirtz: (offscreen) Hey, uh, where do you guys keep the extra toilet paper? I'm asking for a friend!

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