(Scene opens up showing a sunrise.)
(Alarm clock rings)
Phineas: Beat you to it again, slow poke. (Laughs) Hey, Ferb. Ready to build the fastest, safest, most on-time backyard railroad ever?
(Ferb puts on a railroad hat)
Phineas: All right! You man the boiler, I'll handle the brakes. Perry can be the station's mascot.
(Perry chatters)
Phineas: Wow. It's really nice out today. It's almost like everything in nature is simultaneously saying:
Squirrel: Ahh!
Bird/Worm: Ahh!
Spider: Ahh!
Baby Spiders: Ahh!
Patient: Ahh.
Phineas: You know, Ferb, everyday we do something really big. But you know the one thing we haven't done? Relax. I say we take advantage of this perfect day and have the best do-nothing day ever.

Candace: Hey, Stacy. Yes, yes. I'm ready for Jeremy's band's outdoor concert at the summer festival! Today's gonna be amazing! (Clock ticks) (Sniffs) All right, what gives? It's already 9:00 and there's no construction noise, no delivery trucks, no-- (Bird chirps) No nothing? They're just standing there. Like statues. Statues...
Phineas (in Candace's mind): Good thinking, Ferb. We'll put these decoys up so Candace thinks we're doing nothing. Then, when Candace isn't looking, we'll do something! (Wicked laughter)
Candace: (Gasps) Not today, they don't!
Linda: Hi, boys. Whatcha doin'?
Phineas: We're doing nothing today.
Linda: Well, I'm off to the festival to set up my tea cozy stand. Bye!
Phineas: Bye, Mom! Hey, where's Perry?

(Garbage clattering)
(Dance music; record scratch)
Major Monogram: Oh, hey, Agent P. Carl, give me a close up. So, uh, anyway... Stop Doofenshmirtz. (at Carl) Hit it, Carl.
(Dance music)

(Scene shifts to the backyard)
Phineas: Hi, Candace.
Candace: I'm not here for "Hi's". Today is a pivotal moment in my life. You see, Jeremy's band is gonna play at the festival. Jeremy's gonna see me in the crowd. Not just because I have front row seats, but because I'm gonna be cheering harder that anyone else. Like this: "WOO! YEAH! WOO! BABY! OH YEAH, SING IT!" Then we're gonna date through high school and college, marry and have two kids: Xavier and Amanda. So don't you dare ruin it with one of your little project thingies!
Phineas: No problem, Candace. 'Cause today we're doing nothing anyway.
Candace: And don't try to give me—Did you say "Nothing"?
Phineas: Nothing.
Candace: (Gasps) Nothing?
Phineas: Nothing.
Candace: Standing is something.
Phineas/Ferb: (Slowly fall on their backs)
Candace: Hmm. Well, you can't do nothing forever. And when you stop doing nothing, I'll start doing something, and that something will be busting you! (Slams door) Look at them plotting my downfall. (Dials phone)

("I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun! Instrumental")
Linda: Hello?
Candace: Mom! Phineas and Ferb are doing nothing! Nothing, in a relentless effort to ruin my day!
Linda: Candace, honey, why can't you just relax, and let your brothers enjoy their do-nothing day?
Candace: Could it really be possible? Could Phineas and Ferb actually be doing nothing? You're right, Mom. I should just try and relax until Stacy picks me up for the concert.
Linda: Exactly. Love ya.
Candace: Well, If they really are doing nothing, I guess I've got some time to go about my personal business. Let's see... What do I usually do? I know! I'll call Stacy and tell her how I'm busting Phineas and Ferb for—Oh yeah, can't do that 'cause they're not doing anything. Wait a minute! I know! I'll put this camera in just the right spot so when Phineas and Ferb are—Ugh! And then when Phineas and Ferb walk by I'll—Ugh! Well, if there's one thing I know, I'm gonna look sooo good when I bust them for—Agh! Face it! You cant do anything unless you're trying to bust them for doing something. And if they're doing nothing, then... (Sobbing) "Who is Candace?"

Phineas: Ah...
(Paper rips)
Candace: Hey, Phineas. Is it the perfect day to build one of these or what?
Phineas: Sorry, Candace, it's like we said; We're pursuing the best do nothing day ever. But if you put it in our inbox, we'll try to build it tomorrow.
Candace: (Crumples blueprint) Ugh! (Rips out another blueprint) Huh, huh? Time traveling submarine? Come on!
Phineas: Candace, now you're just taking pages from our project book.
Candace: (Blushes) How can I inspire them to build something? Argh! (Turns on TV)
TV Announcer: Are you a boy, doing nothing with your stepbrother today? Do you like high adventure?
Boys: Yeah!
TV Announcer: Then we have the product for you! It's the Amazing Man-Eating Dinosaur-Themed Totally Sick Waterslide of Doom! That's right, kids. The Amazing Man-Eating Dinosaur-Themed Totally Sick Waterslide of Doom Can be delivered in just minutes! And it's so easy to assemble, even a 5-year-old can build it!
Boy: I did it!
TV Announcer: Call now!
Candace: (Dials phone)
Delivery Guy: There, that's the last of it. By the way, aren't you a little too old to be building one of these?
Candace: Why, yes. Yes I am. Okay, I'll get this thing started. And then because they're men, they'll want to take over and show me how to do it. Then I'll call Mom and bust them!

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!
(Perry barges into the room)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hello, Perry the Platypus. I'd like to introduce you to something. (He zaps Perry, causing the latter to run in slow motion)
(Distorts) Perry...
(Slow-mo) Dooby dooby doo wah
Dooby dooby doo wah
Doofenshmirtz: My Slow Motion-inator! This way, you're too slow to foil my evil scheme and I don't have to worry about capturing you. Problem solved. Anyway, let's get down to business. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but I'm not exactly very... Mmm, what do the kids call it these days? Handsome. My doctor says it's genetic, but I don't blame my parents. I blame everyone else in the entire Tri-State Area for being better-looking that me. So, I invented this. My Ugly-Inator! (Frog croaks) It harnesses the horned frog's unpleasant appearance to render it's target ugly! Let me give you a demonstration on handsome movie actor Vance Ward.
Vance: Hi, I'm Vance Ward.
Doofenshmirtz: If it can turn him ugly, it can turn anything ugly. Are you ready, Vance?
Vance: I guess, but I didn't get a script. I mean, what's my motivation in this scene?
Doofenshmirtz: Motivation? Oh, I think it will be clear to you in a second. (Shoots Vance with Ugly-Inator)
Doofenshmirtz: (Laughs) Now onto the rest of the Tri-State Area! Oh, and Perry the Platypus, you know what the best part of my plan is? I can do it from the comfort of my own living room! With my favorite flat-screen TV and recliner. (Sits on recliner) Ah...

Candace: Oh, hey, boys. I see you're still doing nothing. Oh, don't mind me. I'm just carrying a few construction supplies for a really huge super cool contraption. (Laughs) You know, like the ones you used to build. Well, I figured I'd get in on the fun today. Oh, pardon my reach! Just trying to get into the most convenient position to drive this stake into the ground. Oh yeah! I'm really having fun now!
Phineas: Uh, Candace?
Candace: Oh, I know what you're gonna say. Of course you can take over the whole operation.
Phineas: Uh, actually, I was gonna ask if you could keep the noise down.
Candace: Uh, well, back onto the important things in life, like having fun! (In a cement truck) Remember when you used to have this much fun? (In a crane) All this fun could be yours too. All you have to do is join me! (Building the contraption; jackhammer clinking) Okay, okay, I don't want to brag, but fun loves me more than it loves you right now... (Cell phone rings)

(Slow mo, deep voice) Doo be doo be doo wa doo
Doofenshmirtz: Whoop! (Laughs maniacally) Yoo hoo, Perry the Platypus, come and get it!
(Slow mo, deep voice) Doo be doo be doo
Oh, I forgot! You're too slow to catch me now! (Laughs)
(Slow mo, deep voice) Doo be doo be doo wa (x3)
Doo be
Oh, duh! Of course! You were going for the Slow Motion-inato--. Wait! Wait, no! Don't touch the reverse switch!
(Perry flips the switch and the laser from the Ugly-inator zaps. Suspense and action music)
Doofenshmirtz: (Laughs; Zaps Perry with Ugly-inator) (Honk) (Snorts; Laughs) You should see yourself! You're so ugly! (Ugly-inator zaps TV) (Honk; Zaps recliner) (Honk; Lever flips, Anchor goes down)

Stacy: Candace, where are you? It's time to go! (Gasps) Candace?
Candace: Who's having fun now?! It's like boredom's a bad rash, and I'm a shot of cortisone!
Stacy: Candace, what are you doing? I've been trying to call you all afternoon!
Candace: What does it look like?! I'm busting my brothers!
Stacy: But the concert's starting right now.
Candace: (Gasps) Jeremy! Oh, my gosh! I spent so much time busting my brothers, I forgot about the concert!
(Anchor hooks the contraption's nose)
Stacy: Candace, what's happening?
Candace: It didn't say anything in the instructions about being lifted up in the air!
(Both scream)

(Song: "Do Nothing Day")
Jeremy: Beautiful, kind and gentle
And loving and softness and sweetness and candy and gum
(Ugly-inator fires)
Peppermint and... 
(Ugly-inator hits them)
(Song: "Ugly")
We're dead ugly
We're so ugly
(Ugly-unator hits crowd)
Candace/Stacy: (Screaming)
Jeremy: We're ugly, yes, ugly
We're so ugly
I can't breathe
It's hard to breathe...
Candace: Who are these guys?
Stacy: They must be the opening act!

(Perry shoots the Ugly-inator at Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh no! Now I'm ugly! Oh. Oh, I get it. Hardy-har-har.
(Perry replaces the frog with the Vance Ward picture)
Doofenshmirtz: My autographed picture of Vance Ward! Oh, you've perverted my ugly invention with something beautiful!
(Perry shoots the Ugly-inator at Vance)
Vance: Thanks, whoever you are. Now, get me out of here!
(Perry then shoots the Ugly-inator at Jeremy and the Incidentals)

(Heavy metal)
(Ugly-inator hits them)
Jeremy: Bunnies and happy songs, we can all hum
(Ugly-inator hits crowd)

(Perry shoots the Ugly-inator at himself)
Doofenshmirtz: What about my TV and chair?
(Belts rip)
Vance: (Screaming) Get me off this thing! (Screams)
(Perry flips the reverse switch on the slow Motion-Inator then shoots Vance and himself)
(Slow Mo, Deep voice) Doo be doo be doo ba...
(Perry shoots Ugly-Inator at hot air balloon)
Doofenshmirtz: My balloon! Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

Linda: Hey, boys, I'm home. Oh, I see you're still enjoying your do nothing day.
Phineas: Yeah, Mom. It was the best lazy day ever. Oh, there you are, Perry.
Vance: (Deep, warped voice) Where am I?
Ferb: And with handsome movie actor Vance Ward. He seems much faster on TV.

End Credits

Jeremy: Come on!
(Song: "Do Nothing Day")
Slow down and look around you
Candace: All around
Jeremy: Throw your To-Do list away
The clouds look like sheep and vice versa
On a do nothing day
Candace: On a do nothing day
Both: Our do nothing day
Candace: This is the best day ever!

"Crack That Whip"
Episode transcripts Next:
"Boyfriend From 27,000 B.C."
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