(The scene opens at night in Danville. Phineas and Ferb are sleeping; Perry suddenly crawls away from Phineas to Ferb's bed. He steps on, kneads on a blanket, and falls asleep. Ferb puts his arm around Perry. After Perry settles down, preparing to go back to sleep, his wristwatch communicator glows, signaling a code red emergency. He tries to sneak away but Ferb immediately seems to notice so Perry quickly sticks a log under his arm instead. The camera switches to Candace, downstairs, carrying a glass of water.)

Candace: Ugh, no more peach and pumpernickel sandwiches before bed. (Candace trips over Agent P, she looks back) YOU!
(Perry, back in his pet mode, chatters. Candace picks him up and puts him outside)
Candace: For an animal that doesn't do much, you sure know how to make a mess of things!

(After Candace leaves, Perry puts on his fedora again before angrily mocking Candace. He then heads to the stone-walk and enters into his lair.)
Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. I've got bad news and good news. The bad news is you're being reassigned to a new, more evil villain. His name: The Regurgitator.
Carl: You keep pushing him down, but he keeps coming back up!
Major Monogram: That's not funny, Carl. That's just disgusting.
Carl: You laughed earlier!
Major Monogram: It was a pity laugh. Anyway, Dr. Doofenshmirtz had to be downgraded to minor threat status, and we've just assigned Agent S to his case. The good news is you've been relocated away from your host family  (Perry looks on with a shocked look on his face.) to this new family in the Quad-State Area.
Carl: (whispering) It's the other way around, sir.
Major Monogram: Oh, yes-yes, of course. Bad news is the relocation, and the good news is the new villain thing. Uh...just make sure you take your belongings from the house when you leave. (Perry looks away, depressed.)

(The following morning, Candace is eating cereal at the table with a bored look on her face. Phineas and Ferb walk into the kitchen; the former looking a bit sad.)
Phineas: Good morning, Candace.
Candace: What's so great about it?
Phineas: Not much. We can't find Perry anywhere. He's never missed breakfast, not even once.
Candace: Uhh, you don't think he could've argued with someone, at say... 3:38 am, got his feelings hurt, then run away, do you?
Phineas: Nah, he never would've gone outside on purpose. Everybody knows that platypuses are supposed to stay inside at night. You haven't seen him anywhere, have you?
Candace: (nervously) Well, maybe he just wandered off. Doesn't he always wander off at some point in the day? A-And then later, when he comes back, you say, "Oh, there you are, Perry", and he says, (mimics Perry's chatter)
Phineas: Yeah, but he's always here in the morning.
(Cut to outside the kitchen window where Agent P is watching the scene, carrying a bundle.)
Phineas: I'd be devastated if something happened to him.
(Perry looks from his food bowl back to Phineas and the others sadly before he uses his jet pack to leave.)

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
(A door bell is heard and Doofenshmirtz walks over, clad in only a towel.)
Doofenshmirtz: Hold on, I'm coming! (He opens the door and a gift basket is sitting in outside in the hallway.) Another gift basket? (He takes a card off of it.) (reading) "We regret to inform you that due to The Regurgitator's recent evil behavior, you have been downgraded to a minor threat. If you believe this to be a mistake, please fill out the included appeal." A minor threat?! Regurgitator. Ugh, well there's a lot of weirdos out there. (He goes to his computer and types on it) Oh, here we go. He has his own blog. (He reads) "The World's Most Evil Villain"?! Who does this upstart think he is? It's time to show him who's boss! (He rushes off screen and the towel is laying on the floor, his head appears with a nervous smile as he quickly picks it up.)

(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard.)
Phineas: All right, Ferb. Activate the Platy-Attracker 3000. If Perry's anywhere in Danville, this'll bring him home.
(Ferb activates the Platy-Attracker. It mimics Perry's chatter and a huge crowd of platypuses suddenly arrive in the backyard.)
Phineas: Wow. I didn't know there were so many platypuses in Danville.

(At the motel, Doofenshmirtz drives up to the entrance in his truck.)
Doofenshmirtz:' Sheesh, what a dump! (enters into the motel) (mockingly) So much for Mr. Big Shot Super-villain. (walks over to the man at the front desk) Uh, yeah hi. I'm looking for someone named... (Checks piece of paper) Mr. "The Regurgitator."
(The man rings a bell, and the front desk slides away to reveal a secret elevator. Doofenshmirtz steps inside the elevator curiously and then it goes down to the lab. Doofenshmirtz enters and sees a big red "Do not push" button.)
Doofenshmirtz: "Do not push". Eh.
(He stares at it for a few seconds before he pushes the button and is sucked into a vacuum tube, screaming all the way down. He lands hard on the ground in another room.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, my Heinz henie! Look at this. All this technology, a giant vacuum tube, and they can't afford a throw pillow? (notices The Regurgitator nearby) Oh, hello.
The Regurgitator: I am The Regurgitator!
(The lights flash like lightning while thunder and dramatic music is heard.)
Doofenshmirtz: Well, okay. My name is Heinz Doofenshmirtz. (pauses) Tadaa! ...Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know have the whole... Where are those lights coming from, by the way, when you do that?
The Regurgitator: You're that disturbed lunatic from Danville.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, you've heard of me?
The Regurgitator: Yes, and you've heard of me!
(Thunder, lightning and dramatic music happens again.)
Doofenshmirtz: Seriously. Where's that coming... (Notices Perry in a trap) Oh, look, you've already captured Perry the Platypus! My, you do work fast.
The Regurgitator: Why don't you fill up these forms and I'll consider you for a three-year internship. (hands him some papers before walking away.)
Doofenshmirtz: I am not here to apply for an internship. (looks at the first sheet) Ooh! You offer maternity leave.
The Regurgitator: You can start by making a fresh pot of coffee!
(Thunder, lightning, and dramatic music happens again.)

(Cut to the backyard, where Ferb holds up each platypus to Phineas, who explains why it's not Perry.)
Phineas: Nope, Ferb, not Perry. This little guy's eyes are too close together and his beak is orange. Perry's is more of a tangerine. Nope, too fat. Too thin. Too cartoon-y. (Holds nose) Whoa, that one smells like meatloaf!

(Cut to town, where Candace is walking around, calling for Perry.)
Candace: Perry? Perry the Platypus! Huh? (notices a tail sticking around a nearby corner.) Perry! Get over here. (runs over and pulls on the tail) You're coming home with me so I won't get in trouble with the...
(A woman taps her on the shoulder and Candace sees it's not Perry or a platypus, but a beaver she was pulling.) You have a pet beaver?
Woman: You have a pet platypus.
Candace: Touche.

(Cut back to the backyard.)
Phineas: Nope, too blue. Too angular. Too French. That one's just a duck with a beaver tail taped on. Well, that was the last of them. Maybe we need to think bigger. And with music! Perry just loves music, remember?
(Ferb smiles knowingly. There's a flashback of baby Phineas and baby Perry. Phineas taps a key on his xylophone and Perry chatters. The flashback ends, going back to Phineas and Ferb.)
Phineas: Let's get the guitars. I've got an idea.

(Scene shifts to the Regurgitator's lair.)
Doofenshmirtz: What are you looking at, Perry the Platypus? This is a great job! And look at all I've accomplished. I mean, just today, I organized this evil invoices, swept his evil lair, picked up his evil dry cleaning. And look, I even had the time to do this, see? "Best Boss." And if I do a good job, I could be promoted to head assistant in just three months! Where are you gonna be in three months, huh, huh?
The Regurgitator: Never mind the three months. I'll take care of him right now!
(thunder, lighting, and dramatic music plays again)
Doofenshmirtz: Wait a minute. First of all, he's my nemesis! And you can't get rid of him now. Where's the fun in that? You need to explain your whole plan to him. Don't you have a nemesis?
The Regurgitator: Me? The world is my nemesis! (pauses before clicking some buttons on his watch) Sorry, this thing doesn't always work. The world is my nemesis!
(thunder, lightning, and music plays again)

(Back in town with Candace)
Candace: Perry's gone, and it''s just my fault. I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna have to tell the boys. (notices the silhouettes of Phineas and Ferb through a curtain) Oh, there they are. Well, I guess now's as good a time as any. Phineas, Ferb, I just have to tell you that I'm the one who...
(The curtains open to reveal that it's not Phineas and Ferb but Marty the Rabbit Boy and his musical blender)
Marty the Rabbit Boy: Hey.
Candace: Marty the Rabbit Boy and his musical blender?
Marty the Rabbit Boy: Maybe this'll make you feel better. (plays the chorus of Gitchee Gitchee Goo on his blender)
Candace: Eh, not so much.

(Scene shifts to the Regurgitator's lair)
Doofenshmirtz: Don't look at me like that, Perry the Platypus. I know what you're thinking. I-I'm not some lowly intern. I'm an evil scientist! I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and he should be bowing down to me! (at the Regurgitator) Hey you, Mr. Regurgitator! Let's get things straight!
The Regurgitator: What?
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, okay. (to Perry) See that, Perry the Platypus? Compromise.
(Perry blinks)
Doofenshmirtz: Who am I kidding? Grrr. (at himself as he goes over to The Regurgitator) You can do it, you can do it, you can do it. Okay, Regurgitator! I've done everything for you. See those hard-to-reach files up there? Well I invented these rocket shoes just so you can reach them! And look at this! I even put in the self-destruct button that you forgot!
The Regurgitator: What? Why is it counting down?
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, well, I may have pressed it by mistake. But at least I didn't push the release button I installed inside Perry the Platypus's cage!
(Perry presses the release button with his foot and escapes his trap)
The Regurgitator: Look what you've done! You've pushed my buttons for the last time, you disturbed lunatic!
(Perry switches the lever from "blow" to "suck" by throwing his food bowl at it.)
The Regurgitator: Now get ready to--(gets sucked up by the vacuum tube) Aaaahhh!
Doofenshmirtz: We did it! We did it! Lo hicimos! We did it!
(Perry puts on the rocket shoes and grabs Doofenshmirtz. They go through the tube before the lair blows up. Major Monogram appears on his wrist communicator)
Major Monogram: Congratulations, Agent P. You've defeated the Regurgitator. As a matter of fact, he just landed in our prison. You can return immediately to your host family, and Dr. Doofenshmirtz is once again your nemesis.
Doofenshmirtz: So, if we're enemies again, does that mean... (Perry drops him) Aaaah! Curse you, Perry the Platypus! (tumbles before finally landing on a throw pillow) Oh, now see there, a throw pillow. You, you guys do it right!

(Scene shifts to on top of a building in Danville)
Phineas: Excellent. From the top of this building, everyone in the Tri-State Area should be able to hear us.

(Song: "Come Home Perry")

(Ferb starts playing the guitar)
Phineas: Perry, you know you are a boy's best friend
You're more than just a passing trend
You're like a treat from a candy store

Oh, Perry, we love you more than ice cream cakes
We love you more than bugs and snakes
We love you more than all things mentioned before

Oh, Perry, you're extraordinary
You're kinda short and hairy
The color of a blueberry
Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella: Yes, Perry

All: So come home, Perry
Come home, Perry, come home

(Candace arrives)
Phineas: Hey, Candace, why don't you sing one?

Candace: Um... Oh, Perry, I think its kinda scary
I can't find you any where-y
It fills me with despair-y?

Oh, Perry, I'm allergic to dairy
I'm gonna move to the prairie,
And change my name to Larry

Phineas: Larry?
Candace: I ran out of rhymes, all right?

Crowd: She'll change her name to Larry!
Phineas: Larry!

All: So, come home, Perry,
Come home, Perry, come home

So, come home, Perry
Come home, Perry, come home

Come home, Perry, come home

(Perry chatters)
Candace: Oh, there you are, Perry.
Phineas: Perry!
(Crowd cheers; Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Baljeet and the rest of Fireside Girls hug Perry)
Buford: (Comes and takes Candace's microphone) Good job, Larry.
Candace: Welcome home.

"At the Car Wash"
Episode transcripts Next:
"Swiss Family Phineas"
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