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Well, if you're all such crackin' footballers, then we challenge you and your friends to a football match.

— Beckham Fletcher

When Ferb's cousins visit from England and challenge him to a soccer match, he and Phineas warp the walls of physics and build a high tech 3D stadium. Meanwhile, convinced that her relationship with Jeremy depends on her being more proper, Candace enlists the help of Ferb's British cousin, Eliza, to teach her the rules of etiquette. Back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., Dr. Doofenshmirtz is sick in bed but forces himself to set off his "If-A-Tree-Fell-in-the-Forest-Inator", which causes any tree that falls to say his name.

Episode Summary

"Ooh, Nose goal!"

Ferb's cousins from England come to Danville to see the British football team, the Snifferton Nostrils, play against Danville's football team in an exhibition match. Lawrence introduces them to Phineas. Lucy and Adrian Fletcher are the parents of six children, three named Beckham, two named Pelé, and a daughter Candace's age named Eliza.

As Lawrence and Adrian take the opportunity to push their sibling rivalry with their wives watching and Eliza goes to meet Candace in her room, two of the Beckhams comment on Ferb living in America for so long and that he could have easily lost his British essence in exchange for being more of a "Yank". Phineas voices his disagreement, trying to reassure them that he's still British, only to be contradicted by Baljeet coming to return some of Ferb's things he had borrowed, including a cowboy hat, a baseball glove, banjo CDs, an American Flag shirt, and a bald eagle.

Ferb with American stuff.

The blond Beckham bets that Ferb doesn't even play association football anymore, the sport known to most Americans as soccer. Isabella objects, mentioning having witnessed Ferb playing an entire game of football with a pumpkin, somehow avoiding breaking it open through the whole match. The Fletchers respond by challenging Phineas, Ferb, and the gang to a football match, to which Phineas adds by stating they should play by Football X-7 standards much to the shock of of the blond Beckham. Phineas waves his cousin's doubt away and wonders if Perry would want to participate, only then noticing that the platypus is absent.

Major Monogram and Carl sick.

Major Monogram has reported for his regular duties but is in a poor shape, implied to have caught an illness from Carl. He proceeds to voice his rage at Doofenshmirtz for calling in sick since he and Carl had both taken the effort to show up for work in spite of their current conditions and that he would rather watch Ducky Momo. He tasks Agent P with making Doofenshmirtz feel better so that he'd have a reason for stopping him from doing evil.

Candace and Eliza listen to Jeremy as he performs a song for them with his guitar. Eliza enjoys the song and Jeremy relates to her that most of his favorite bands are British and that he himself is an Anglophile. Shortly thereafter, he gets up, having to help his mother back at his house. He compliments Eliza's accent before leaving.

Candace freaking out in front of Eliza.

Candace starts to panic, under the impression that her entire relationship with Jeremy depends on her being able to be like Eliza. She demands Eliza to train her in the basics of being a proper lady, to which the Englishwoman reluctantly approves. Meanwhile, downstairs, Lawrence and Adrian continue to engage in various odd competitions of all sorts, including stuffing numerous layers of coats on and holding their breath.

The history of Football X-7 is described briefly by an informational video. The sport had been conceptualized by an English 1950s scientist by the name of Professor Ross Eforp with the intention of taking association football to an extreme level without posing any threat to the players' lives. Unfortunately, after numerous failed attempts at trying to realize the concept, coupled with the realization that "Professor Ross Eforp" is a palindrome, the professor was forced into hiding and his dreams forgotten by society. Many people, including the Beckhams, are convinced it never could have been achieved. Phineas accepts the challenge, pushing his cousins' impression of him as insane. However, the turn of events starts to bring back unpleasant memories for Ferb.

Heinz showing his monologue on TV.

Perry finds Doofenshmirtz in his lair and in a poor shape, lying on the couch surrounded by napkins and holding a thermometer in his mouth. Despite being sick, Heinz still has something evil planned for the day. He explains through a recorded rehearsal of his monologue done the previous day before he had gotten sick. In the video, he ponders upon that well-known philosophical question "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, would it make a sound?". The answer to the question is obvious in accordance to actual science, and the evil scientist briefly voices his disdain for whoever came up with the question. He decided to answer it himself with his "If-A-Tree-Fell-in-the-Forest-Inator" which would cause trees, as well as anything else its beam hits, to fall over and hit the ground whispering "Doofenshmirtz...". As the video comes to a close, Heinz pushes a button on the remote to activate a trap and incapacitate his opponent, but misses. He ignores it and gets up to activate the machine.

Candace watches the construction of the Football X-7 stadium with bitter animosity only for Eliza to let her know that her behavior isn't ladylike. The Englishwoman proceeds to lecture her cousin on various traits of proper ladies in the form of a song.

The construction of the Football X-7 Stadium.

The stadium assembly is finished and the group is just about ready to move onto the actual game when they realize Ferb is missing.

It turns out that Ferb had suffered from a seemingly minor blunder during their last soccer match before the beginning of the summer. They had been effectively upholding their dominance in the game when the opposing team kicked the ball out of bounds. Ferb went to pick it up, but as he did a herd of wild emu appeared and carried off the assistant coach. In response, the Brit simply put the ball down and walked away, never playing again ever since. The tall, brown-haired Beckham realizes that Ferb has suffered from what is known as "the emu curse", which states that if a herd of emu carries away the assistant coach while you're holding the ball, you're cursed to never be on a winning team again. The only way to break it is to have a boy in a Sunday bonnet to sing in the note of an E-flat above high-C in front of the accursed one. To Phineas' relief such a task would be easy, since Buford has a piccolo, which he uses to demonstrate the appropriate note.

Inside the Football X-7 Stadium.

Phineas shows the group around the inside of the stadium, complete with the gravity-generating walls and a high tea room for guests. It seems they can't have the match without Ferb, but he arrives in tow behind Irving just in time for them to start. The game begins and the teams play against each other fiercely, eventually leading up to a tie of 4-4.

Back at D. E. Inc, Perry and Doofenshmirtz have begun their battle, the only thing differing from the usual being that the evil scientist is sick and putting up a particularly poor fight.

Jeremy, dressed elegantly, arrives at the X-7 stadium, greeted by Candace dressed equally nicely and complete with the refined behavior of a proper Englishwoman. They share tea in the observation room as the match goes on around them, Jeremy taking notice of his girlfriend's sudden change of personality several times. Candace puts on a remarkable display of what Eliza had taught her but fails to hide the fact that she's straining to resist busting her brothers.

After losing to his brother numerous times in a row, Lawrence reveals to Linda that his falls have been deliberate the entire time, only to make Adrian happy. His wife tells him to ditch the humble attitude and annihilate his opponent without mercy by the next competition. Lawrence decides to challenge his brother to "Keepy-Uppy" as their final competition.

Adrian and Lawrence playing "Keepy-Uppy".

The Nostrils are forced to divert from their planned route when a tree hit by a rogue ray by Doofenshmirtz's machine falls in the path of their bus. In their detour, they notice Phineas and Ferb's X-7 stadium and are drawn to it.

After a long match in the front yard, Lawrence stumbles over, kicking the ball far off into the air in the process. When it seems he has suffered from defeat, he skillfully catches it with his foot as it comes back down, revealing an act of deception he had taken advantage of to sabotage his brother's game.

Candace, Eliza and Jeremy inside the tea room.

Jeremy realizes the show Candace is putting on is only an attempt by her to make him like her better. He responds by toying with her emotions, telling her things such as being glad she has decided to change and liking her better than how she was before. At first Candace responds with panic and dismay, but soon realizes he's only messing with her and reverts back to being her usual self. She yells at her brothers from the window before realizing she has no need left for the Sunday bonnet and tosses it out. By coincidence, it lands on Baljeet, obscuring his view just as the ball hits him right in the crotch. In the extreme pain that ensues, the Indian boy squeals an E-flat above high-C, inadvertently staving off the Emu curse from Ferb and reigniting his team's resolve to win.

"That's our girl!"

With a swift and confident swing of his foot, Ferb delivers what would be the coup de grâce against his cousins' team but misses the goal entirely, ending the match in a tie. The Nostrils have witnessed the event and congratulate him despite his failure. Now that the match is over, the boys have no use left in the stadium and decide to let the Nostrils have it. With the help of a crowd of obsessed fans, they haul the structure onto their bus and leave. By the time Candace has gotten Linda into the backyard there is no trace the stadium was ever there. She then scowls in frustration to the amusement of Eliza and Jeremy.

Transcript

Read the transcript of My Fair Goalie.

Songs

End Credits

Blond Beckham apologizes for calling Ferb a "Yank", and says he's an exceptional footballer, and a Brit through and through. Ferb says he's not a Brit or a Yank, but just Ferb. After that, the longer version of the song "Nostrils on the Bus" is played.

Gallery

Click here to view more images from "My Fair Goalie".
View the image gallery for "My Fair Goalie".

Running Gags

I know what we're gonna do today!/Hey, where's Perry?

Beckham (blond): Football X-7? That's only theoretical!

Phineas: Only for another couple of hours, because I know what we're gonna do today. Hey, maybe Perry wants to be on our team. Bom bom bom

Beckham (blond): Who's Perry?

The "Too Young" Line

None

Ferb's Line(s)

Phineas: Ferb, you came to play!

Ferb: As long as my team will have me, curse and all.
Phineas: Of course we will. It's not about winning, it's the joy of the game.

Beckham (blond): Actually, it's about winning.
Phineas: What happened? I guess the curse wasn't broken.
Ferb: No, it's broken. Sometimes you just miss.
Beckham (blond): Oi, cousin Ferb we're dreadful sorry for giving you such a hard time, you're a brilliant footballer, an all-around good chap and a Brit through and through.
Ferb: Actually, lads, I'm not a Brit or a Yank. I'm just Ferb.

What'cha doin'?

Isabella: Hi guys. What'cha doin'?

Phineas: Oh, hi Isabella!
Baljeet walks in to the scene

Baljeet: Hello, everyone! I was just cleaning my room and I thought I could return some of the things Ferb lent me.

Oh, there you are, Perry

None.

Perry's entrance to his lair

None.

Evil Jingle

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

The bird that runs into Phineas and Ferb's invention

In the informational video on Football X-7, a bird hits Professor Ross Eforp's original prototype Football X-7 stadium.

Memorable Quotes

Phineas: So Ferb, your cousins from England are here visiting.

Ferb nods
Phineas: No, I mean your cousins from England are here visiting!

(cut to Linda and Lawrence standing next to Ferb's cousins, uncle and aunt.)
(Lawrence introducing Ferb's cousins and uncle and aunt to Phineas.)

Lawrence: Phineas this is Uncle Adrian (waves to Phineas) A.D. for short, Aunt Lucy.
Lucy: (waves to Phineas) Hello.
Lawerence: And their kids; Beckham, Beckham, Pelé, Beckham, Pelé and Eliza, well her middle name is Beckham.

Phineas: Hi Guys.
(After Baljeet has returned Ferb's things)

Baljeet: Oh, and Phineas, here is your sack.

Phineas: (hugging sack) Awesome! Come to papa!
Buford: Ferb's British?

Beckham (blond): Apparently not. I'll bet you don't even play football anymore. (a close-up on the soccer ball with dramatic music in the background)
Buford: You dweebs! That's a soccer ball! This is a football! (a close-up on the football with dramatic music in the background)
Ferb: (he is about to speak, but is cut off by Phineas)
Phineas: Actually, there's no one who loves soccer more than Ferb. In fact, he got us all into playing. And I must say, we're pretty bold ourselves, but Ferb, he's the real master.
Isabella: Yeah, I once saw Ferb play an entire game of soccer using a pumpkin! And he didn't even break it! To this day, his motivation for doing so remains shrouded in mystery.
Beckham (blond): Well, if you're all such crackin' footballers, we challenge you and your friends to a football match. (a close-up on Ferb's eyes with dramatic music) So, how should we play? Playground rules?
Phineas: How about Football X-7 rules? (a close-up on a house with dramatic music, then Phineas and Ferb move with only their eyes and noses showing)
Beckham (blond): Football X-7? But that's only theoretical.
Phineas: Only for the next couple of hours, 'cause I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, maybe Perry wants to be on our team? (a close-up on Perry's indentation in the grass with dramatic music)

Beckham (blond): Who's Perry?
Major Monogram: Can you believe he had the nerve to call in sick. I'm here, Carl's here. Don't you think I'd rather be at home watching Ducky Momo? Agent P, you've got to get in there and, (coughs) I don't know, get him better. Stop him from stopping the things for which, (snorts) you have to stop him. For...
Candace: Cool accent? Cool accent? He's never complemented me on my accent!

Eliza: Now to be fair.
Candace: I'm not all British-y and sophisticated!
Eliza: Oh, Candace, don't be silly, it's obvious, Jeremy likes you just the way you are.
Candace: DON'T TALK CRAZY! You gotta teach me how to be all anglo-ishy and ladylike and proper!
Eliza: But Cand-
Candace: Obviously my relationship with Jeremy depends on it! So you help me?

Eliza: Yeah, alright.
Phineas: Impossible? The only thing that's impossible is impossibility. Now, Ferb and I found out where Eforp went wrong.

Beckham (blond): Oy! Did you say you were actually gonna build that thing? Here?
Phineas: Yes! We are gonna do what no one has done before: Play the biggest, baddest, "only-est" game of Football X-7! Now, who's with me?
Isabella: We are, of course.

Beckham (blond): Completely mad, the lot of them.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, man, 103? If I was a hot tub, people would be getting out of me. They'd be all like "Wow...Heinz Doofenshmirtz is way too hot we should get out of him"
Doofenshmirtz: (in video) I'LL CORNER THE MARKETS! And speaking of markets, I'm out of vitamins. I should probably get some before they close. Eh, so I skip my Vitamin C for one day. What's the worse that could happen? (video off) Not one word, Perry the Platypus. You've got to at least gimme a chance to do my thing. Alright, where is it? (Perry hands a remote to Doofenshmirtz, who attempts to trap Perry, but fails to do so because the cage is on the far side of the room) There, I've trapped you.
Candace: I don't get it. What, do polite people not have bookshelves in your country?
Beckhem: I'm terribly gobsmacked!
Phineas: Yeah, I guess I could smack a little gob, myself.
Phineas: Wait a second, who's got a piccolo? Buford?

Buford: Gah! One day, someone's gonna ask me for some obscure musical instrument, and it ain't gonna be there. What's gonna happen then? (takes out piccolo from pocket, playing)

Doofenshmirtz: Ugh, what is that ringing? Is that an E-flat above high C? Perry the Platypus, really? You're thwarting me ill?
Beckham (blond): Then, let's play.

Phineas: I wish we could.
Isabella: Yeah, we don't have a team without Ferb.
Buford: (dressed in American football uniform) Yeah, he was our quarterback!

Baljeet: You still do not know what game we are playing, do you?
Candace: (with a British accent) Why, Jeremy, how delightful it is to see you again!
Eliza: Hi, Jeremy! Doesn't Candace look lovely?

Jeremy: Yeah! I can't say I've seen better posture.
Candace: Would you care to stack books on my head?

Jeremy: No, I'm cool.
(after Nostrils on the Bus jingle is heard again, the If-a-Tree-Fell-Inator blasts a tree, and it falls over, blocking the Nostrils' bus)

Tree: (as it falls over) Doofenshmirtz!
Nostril #8: Did that tree just say "Doofenshmirtz"?
Nostril #3: I think we've been on this bus for too long.
Bus driver: Hang on, lads, we're taking a detour!
Crowd: Nostrils, Nostrils!
Crowd member: Hey, where are they going?
Johnny's mother: I made them a crumpet.

Johnny: Oh, is that what that is?
Linda: (to Lawrence) Um, do you mind telling me what's going on here? I've seen you put on more shirts than that!
Nostril #8: Is it my imagination, or is that a football X-7 stadium?
Nostril #3: It's your imagination, that's a mailbox, but there is one on this side of the bus.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, I'll have more cake.
Phineas: Pass it to Ferb! Pass it to Ferb!

Baljeet: Oooh! I am kind of in the middle of something here!

Isabella: I got it!
Phineas: What happened? I guess the curse wasn't broken.

Ferb: No, it's broken. Sometimes, you just miss.
Nostril #8: Hey.
Ferb's cousins: It's the Sniffington Nostrils! Ooh, nose goal!
Nostril #8: What a beautiful kick.
Phineas: But he missed the goal.
Nostril #8: It's not about whether or not you score a goal, it's about how good you look while kicking the ball.

Coach: Actually, I think it is about scoring goals.
Professor Ross Eforp: (after seeing the Football X-7 Stadium and pulling a paper bag off his head) Is that a football X-7 stadium? I knew it could be done! Professor Ross Eforp can finally come out of hiding!

Johnny: Mummy, that man's name is a palindrome.
Unnamed Mother: Look away Johnny, look away.

(Professor Ross Eforp runs into the bushes.)

Background Information

  • This episode proves that Ferb has lived in the U.S. more than in England. If he has been living in the U.S. for at least six years ("Skiddley Whiffers"), Ferb is likely less than 12 years old.
  • According to Doofenshmirtz's message, this episode takes place on a Tuesday.

Production Information

International Premieres

  • November 4, 2011 (Family Channel)
  • November 16, 2011 (Disney Channel Latin America and Brazil)
  • November 17, 2011 (Disney Channel Australia)
  • November 28, 2011 (Disney XD Spain)
  • December 10, 2011 (Disney Channel Portugal)
  • December 15, 2011 (Disney Channel Scandinavia)
  • January 27, 2012 (Disney Channel Israel)
  • March 23, 2012 (Disney Channel Asia)
  • July 7, 2012 (Disney XD Latin America)

Errors

  • A floating mustache and mouth is seen in the crowd of fans when the Nostrils' bus turns to go around a fallen tree.
  • The ball goes through the goalpost in the background when it shows the reporter talking about Football X-7.
  • Buford doesn't know that Ferb is British in this episode, but he did in "Not Phineas and Ferb". It's more likely, however, that it was part of the gag about Ferb not being considered British by his cousins anymore.
  • Doofenshmirtz has noticeable beard stubble when ill, however, in "Crack That Whip" he says that he's unable to grow facial hair.
  • Before Eliza starts singing and during the song "Lady Song":
    • She has four buttons on her shirt. The book she is holding goes in front of one of the buttons. When she moves the book, the button disappears, but reappears once it changes camera views.
    • She is holding one book, but when the song starts she puts three on her head.
    • Candace's leg is ahead of her skirt.
  • The garment that Baljeet returns to Ferb is not a unitard but a leotard since it doesn't have long legs.
  • When Eliza is explaining to Candace what "Anglophile" means, the end of her left arm is missing.
  • Carl's nose should not be red, since he doesn't have nostrils ("Ain't No Kiddie Ride").
  • In Phineas' flashback explaining Ferb's reluctance to play soccer:
    • One of Ferb's cousins is present.
    • There are at least four uniforms worn (not counting goalies).
    • When the players are walking onto the field, Katie has brown hair.
    • Several characters' uniforms change color.
    • There are two Baljeets seen: one who plays on Ferb's opponent team, and one who sits on the reserves.
    • Part of the net on the far goal is in front of the goalie.
  • When the nets first appear, they have four antennas, but when Phineas kicks the ball into the net there are only two.
  • When Phineas is saying, "...he'll come through for us", half moon glasses Beckham's shoe souls are clear.
  • When Ferb is standing next to Phineas, and he is holding the soccer ball, he has four legs.
  • When Baljeet calls for a pass, the socks of the person who passes the ball to him are blue, but the socks of Baljeet's team are yellow.
  • Right when Phineas says "Ferb! The E-flat above high C!", his eyes are bigger than usual, but in the next shot his eyes are normal.
  • At the end, when Jeremy and Eliza appear, Jeremy's skin is darker than before.
  • When Pelé is running with the ball from Phineas and Ferb, the white trim on Ferb's shirt is missing.
  • When Irving first appears as referee and pours dry ice and then mentions that he brought dry ice, more dry ice spews out.
  • In the end credits, Helen McCrory's name is misspelled as "Helen McCroy".

Continuity

Allusions

  • My Fair Lady - The title, as well as the concept of a woman becoming "proper", are taken from the famous Broadway musical which is based on the George Bernard Shaw play Pygmalion. Candace's role is similar to that of Eliza Doolittle, the Cockney girl who Professor Higgins tries to "improve". Coincidentally, here the Higgins role is played by a girl named Eliza.
  • Big Fat Greek Wedding - Lawrence introduces Ferb's cousins to Phineas with everyone of them being called "Beckham" or having a Beckham in their full name, just as in the movie when Gus introduces their relatives as everybody being named Nick except for one who is named Nicky.
  • Soccer - The name of Ferb's cousins are Beckham and Pelé, the name of two soccer players.
  • The Blue Danube - This famous composition by Johann Strauss II plays when Doofenshmirtz rides around on his If-A-Tree-Fell-in-the-Forest-Inator.
  • Beauty and the Beast - During the "Lady Song", Eliza and Candace are seen eating soup at a table, and the scene is very much like the scene where Belle teaches the Beast manners in the Disney classic.

Trivia

Cast

Previous:
"Skiddley Whiffers"
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