Memorable quotes that occurred in episodes of Phineas and Ferb during Season 2.

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The Lake Nose Monster

Lawrence: Such beauty, such tranquility. A fisherman's paradise. Yes, of all the lakes in the world, I'm glad we picked the Nose.

(Phineas, Ferb and Candace stifle a chuckle)

Linda: That's charming, dear.
Candace: There is no such thing as a Lake Nose Monster, right Dad?
Lawrence: Well, Candace, there's no such a thing as lots of things, and there's such a thing as many other things. Is Nosey such a thing? Well, you see, that's the thing, isn't it?
Phineas: Oh, look, they have pictures of him.
Candace: (pointing quickly at all the pictures) Elephant, log, dolphin, driftwood, tire, driftwood, rhesus monkey wearing a powdered wig, driftwood, driftwood, aren't old enough to know what that is, driftwood, driftwood... it's usually driftwood.
Bob Webber: (snaps fingers) Okay!
(repeated line)
Major Monogram: Well, in focus group tests, 6-year-olds overwhelmingly preferred singing animals to a piece of paper with numbers on it.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Look here, I wrote "big laundry" and I don't even remember what the reason was. I guess I assumed I'd remember, like it was some big genius idea... Big laundry, BIG LAUNDRY! It's crazy! I'm a crazy person.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (sits bolt upright) I've got it! "Zinc foil"!
(slight pause)
Ehh, not really evil, is it?
After Bob Webber mentions that he will have to split Candace and Jeremy up, Candace is panicking

Man 1: Let's be unsafe!
Man 2: I'm gonna run with scissors!

Woman: I brought some glass to the beach!
Phineas: You man the starboard window, I'll go portside. We'll see who spots Nosey first. (Notices Nosey behind him) I win.
Candace: I promise I'll protect you... if... I... see... the Lake Nose monster!!! Quick kid, run as fast as your little legs can carry you. Follow the train tracks north. You should hit Ackerton by sundown. Blend in, it's a college town. Get a retail job and save enough for a bus tickets to the Canadian border. Someone will get in touch with you when the coast is clear.
Baljeet: (Tied to Buford) I thought you said this would be funny.
Buford: It is, you got in trouble. (Laughs)
Phineas: Ok, try panicking and making a lot of sudden movements.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Speaking of wishes, you know what I never understood? Genies! They tell you to wish for anything you want, and then they add some terrible twist. Like you wish to jump high so he turns you into a frog. What? Why? Who gains from this? The genie? Where's the benefit? You should be fighting genies, man, not me. I'm not the problem. Genies. Genies are the problem.
Baljeet: Phineas, is your... refrigerator running?

Phineas: Uh, we don't have a refrigerator, Baljeet.
Baljeet: Then you better go catch it! Pause scoffs You said this would be funny!

Buford: (revealing that he is tied to Baljeet) It is funny! You look stupid!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It's time to move on to the next quadrant. Quadrant. Quadrant. Quad... It's a weird word when you think about it. Quadrant. Quaaadrant. Quad... See, now it doesn't even sound like a word.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You were trying to escape?! After I shared my wings with you!? Well, granted, I did trap you like a monkey, but still- (Perry hits the doctor)
Captain Webber: (after he finishes his hot wings) Mmm, best hot wings in town! (snaps fingers) OK, I think I'll go for a little swim. That whole waiting-20-minutes-after-you-eat thing is a hoax! It's just so we can sell these "Kid With a Cramp" snow globes.

(he walks out into the water, then looks into his binoculars and sees Nosebud)

Hm, that boat's moving pretty fast. I'd better get out of the--OW, CRAMP!
Candace: How are you feeling, Captain Webber?

Captain Webber: (snaps fingers) OK, thanks to you, Candace! How'd you like to be re-enstated as a lifeguard?
Candace: Well... (snaps fingers) OK! (Candace and Jeremy laugh)

Captain Webber: Don't get it.
Candace: Wait a minute, so does a friendly, non-ferocious lake nose monster exist? Do you have proof of that, hm?

Phineas: Do we have proof? No. (Winks at Candace)
Ferb: Well, if such a creature did exist, I believe it would all be our responsibility to look after and protect it.
Unknown beach guy: Hey, everyone. That British kid is saying something really, really, (pauses) boring.
Everyone on the beach: Yeah, let's get outta here!

Phineas: I didn't think it was boring, Ferb.

Interview With a Platypus

Phineas: What to do, what to do, what to do today! Any ideas, Ferb? (Ferb shrugs) How about you, Perry? Bursting with any plans?

(Perry chatters)
Phineas: Ah. I'll never get tired of you doing that.
(Perry chatters)
Phineas: Awesome. (imitates Perry's chatter) Come on, Ferb, fire one off!
(Ferb imitates chatter; Phineas imitates chatter; Perry chatters; Phineas imitates chatter; Ferb imitates chatter; Perry chatters)
Phineas: I wonder what that means.

(pause; Perry chatters once more)
Phineas: Some say he's just a platypus, but he might actually be thinking some profound thoughts! Just like another quiet animal I know!
pause; Ferb chatters
Major Monogram: For crying out loud, Carl, pedal faster. I need to check my email.
Bird: I sure love worms!

Phineas and Ferb look at Isabella

Isabella: Don't look at me.
Squirrel: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm cute. Now, nut me!
Candace: Aw, who's a good girl? (Suzy's poodle growls) Obviously not me.
Phineas: Yeah, I see what you're saying, but you don't really have an argument. They're giving you twelve cans a day. Technically, you're not underfed.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You like my new cage? I got it from a secondhand shark supply store. It was half off, because, you know, something bit half of it off.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: But how will people get around? They will have to buy my latest invention! It's like a car, but it can drive on the surface of water! Behold! (Takes the cover off his "invention") You like it? I call it the "Buoyancy Operated Aquatic Transport", or "BO-AT" for short.
Candace: Look, I'm getting the hang of it!
Jeremy: No Candace you just paused it... and you reset the game.
Jeremy: That's weird. Suzy trained her so well.
Candace: I see. Suzy trained her.
Isabella: Okay. We've got 78 complaints about food quantity, 42 requests for belly rubs, and we're still trying to explain TV to Pinky.
Milly: (To Pinky) Again, forget the idea of little people in there.
Candace: An animal translator?! I have had it up to here with stupid animals today. Why would you want to know what stupid animals are saying? Oh, I can tell you what they'll say. 'I'm an animal and I bite my own hiney!' 'I've got a small cranial capacity!' 'Look at me! I don't have opposable thumbs!' 'I eat with my face!' 'I sweat through my tongue!' 'I'm a furry, flea-bitten loser!' Like any other animal on this planet!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Look at me! I'm driving on water! I'm BO-ATing!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus?! How did you...? I always forget you are a semi-aquatic mammal.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: No! Don't open the Metropolitan Oval Aquatic Trench! No, no, no, no, no— oh, hey, look! It spells 'moat'!
Candace: See, Mom? They built an animal translator!

Linda: Oh, that's adorable!

Candace: Wait, no, it is not!

Tip of the Day

Phineas: But isn't it weird that none of us know its name?

Candace: No. That's why they make smart word box for tell monkey hard brain hurty things.

Phineas: Removing prepositions makes it more condescending.
Phineas: So uh, Candace, smart word box find name shoelace tip?
(Ferb licks his index finger and touches it to Phineas's shoulder, making a hissing sound as though he is on fire)
Linda: Oh, hi boys.

Phineas: Aglet, Mom!

Linda: Aglet you too, Phineas.
Doofenshmirtz: I am a superstar! (Muffled by splashing water and flushing sounds) It won't stop flushing!
Major Monogram: Carl I told you, there's nothing funny about a man in his underwear skating into a toilet.

Carl: Of course, sir.

Major Monogram: Now, limericks. Limericks are funny.
Baljeet: You are going to waste a whole day promoting aglets? Who is going to care?

Buford: If you diss aglets one more time, I'll fray your head so bad it won't fit through your shirt hole!

Baljeet: (Weakly) Aglets, yay...
Man: Excuse me, what did you say?

Phineas: Aglets! It's that little plastic tip at the end of a shoelace.
Man: Aglet?
Woman: Aglet? Oh, Lewis, I will marry you!
Lewis: Aglet!
Boss: The promotion is yours!
Man: Aglet! (Hair suddenly pops up from his head) My hair's grown back!
Apparently Blind Man:: Whoa, what's going on here?
Man: The shoelace tip. It's an Aglet!

Apparently Blind Man: (Gasps) I can hear!
Major Monogram: (On radio) Your halo jump is a go. Go, go, go! Jump and fall! Keep falling, and keep being a platypus. Visualize it, you're a falling plat- (Perry turns off radio)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Did you ever had an old box of junk that's just been sitting in the attic forever, and you think: "I bet I could just get rid of this whole box, and my life would go on completely unaffected by the loss of whatever may be inside like, for instance, an old forgotten video tape made in high school". Look in the box, Perry the Platypus. Always. Look. In. The box.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, that kind of killed the moment.
Laughing Man 1: Look, it's that idiot from the video again!

Laughing Man 2: Let's use mockery to keep him inside.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I have an ouchie... (Points to his heart) in here.

Attack of the 50 Foot Sister

Stacy: It says here Flawless Girl founder Blanca Dishon will be at the midsummer festival in search of the next Flawless Girl!

Candace: Then maybe I should sign up! By the way, when is the midsummer festival?
Stacy: Probably in the middle of summer. Which is about now. (Music from the trucks plays indicating the start of the middle of summer.)

Phineas: Well, what do you know? Must be the middle of summer.
Major Monogram: Oh, for crying out loud! Who put a secret entrance at the bottom of the neighbors' koi pond? Okay, look-look-look. To avoid a lawsuit, give the fish hats, and we'll make them agents
Baljeet: Could I borrow Ferb sometime?
Candace What are you guys up to?

Phineas: Hey, Candace. We're helping Baljeet win the biggest watermelon contest.
Candace: What's that, a cantaloupe?

Baljeet: (facepalm) Aww!
Baljeet: I will call my family and tell them to start putting up the shame curtains.

Phineas: It hasn't taken full effect yet. You'll see.

Baljeet: Not through the shame curtains, I won't.
Baljeet: So, are there Fireside Boys, too?
Baljeet: I am going to need a crane! And a new pair of pants.
Stacy: Hey, is there something different about you?

Candace: Who knows? Maybe I've grown out of my awkward phase!
(Candace's nose expands)

Stacy: Looks like you're growing into another one.
Phineas: That's our sister. Our—(snickers)— big sister.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It's a cute little trap isn't it? I got the idea at my cousin Gertrude's baby shower. (Perry looks at him disappointed about the idea) Don't judge me! Men go to baby showers these days! It was fun. Presents, blindfolded diapering...I'm sorry. I'm off topic, aren't I?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: How do you like me now, Perry the judgapus?!
Candace: I'm back to normal!
Linda: Normal being a relative term.
Baljeet: Oh well, c'est la vie. Shame curtains aren't going to hang themselves.

Backyard Aquarium

Phineas: So it's unanimous. Hey, where's Candace?
Linda: Candace! Where are you? What are you doing?

Candace has a few phones with her.
Candace: Waiting for Jeremy to call! You see, last night, at the movies, he said was going to call soon. So I calculated that "soon" must mean first thing in the morning since "soon" can't refer to a period in excess of or equal to 24 hours, give or take a 59 minute cushion of time, on either side of the event in question. Holds up a notepad of her math See? I had it all figured out right here on this notepad. I even showed my math!
Linda: Uh...
Candace: Wait! Maybe I should have carried the one instead of dividing by Jeremy's face.
Linda: Well, I'm off to my favorite author's book signing. Try not to freak out on your brothers while I'm gone.

Candace: Mom! I don't frea- Oh my gosh! The square root of "soon" is "never"!
Woman: Herman! Are you taking a shower?

Herman: No.

Woman: Well, you need one.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Before I was evil I was a little less than evil. I was a bratwurst street vendor.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Behold! The Hot Dog Vendor Revenge-Inator! Or; HDVR.....-inator. Um..., I have to work on my acronyms.
Perry: Rolls his eyes at the poor goal with Doofenshmirtz's scheme
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Don't roll your eyes at me like that! It's a good plan! Sorry to go off on you like that, Perry the Platypus, but sometimes, you just-GRR!-really push my buttons!
Man: Hey! No cutting in line.
Candace: It's my backyard, I outrank you.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: How did you escape that? (looks) A decoy?! That doesn't even make sense!

Day of the Living Gelatin

Phineas: All right, who added the 'evil' flavor?

Everyone turns to stare at Baljeet
Baljeet: It's curry. It's not inherently evil.
Baljeet: Maybe a little spicy...
Gelatin monster growls

Baljeet: OK, I'm going home!
Phineas: We were just putting the finishing touches on our molecular transporter. Wanna try it?
Candace: Do I look like someone who wants their molecules transported?
Major Monogram: So you see, Doofenshmirtz has invited you to tea. We don't know what it could possibly mean. We think, but don't hold us to this, we think that maybe, just maybe, it could be... A TRAP! We do, however, like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so try to have fun.
Phineas: For Candace, our neighborhood, and all the good gelatin left in the world!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: My beautiful fruit-flavoured monster...!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now you can kowtow to my cretological creation! It's so corrupt... and cantankerous... and carnivorous... and uh, uh, low in calories and... cuh, cuh, cuh, couch... yeah, that's all I've got. But you're still doomed!
Phineas and Ferb are transporting away

Jenny: Would you guys like to try some of our gelatin?
The boys stop the transportation
Phineas: Okay!
Candace: No, wait! They'll just end up doing something weird and ruining the party!
Jenny: How's sharing gelatin with them gonna ruin the party?
Candace's eye twitches

Candace: I have got to reexamine my life.
Linda: Oh, there's everyone. Candace, I thought you were having your dessert party today? What are you doing at Isabella's?

Candace: I got two words for you, Mom. Gel-a-tin. I am sick of it. Sick of it. Totally sick of it. (Snorts)
Jeremy: Hey, Candace, I heard you were having a dessert party, so I made you this out of gelatin.

Candace: Aw. Nah, still sick of it.

Elementary My Dear Stacy

Candace: Ah, yes, reading. That's what they did before they invented fun.
Grandma: I heard that!
Double-0 0: You realize this man is a platypus?
Inspector Initials: They're American, Double-0 0. Just be glad it's a mammal.
Double-0 0: What, no files, no location, no contacts, what kind of mission is this?
Major Monogram: It was enough for the mammal.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Double-0 0? Isn't that just "triple 0"?

Double-0 0: No, that's not how you say it.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It spells "ooo", doesn't it?
Double-0 0: It's just "Double-0 0!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So if he's "p" and you're "ooo", together you spell...
Double-0 0: No, they're not O's, they're zeroes, all right?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I was just going to say "ooop"... looks like I struck a nerve there!
Candace: They've acquired a fleet of automobiles and they're in there buying a bunch of little air fresheners for them. OR they're buying motor oil for their giant robot! What do you think Stace? Stace?

Stacy returns to Candace with multiple shopping bags under her arms, Candace crosses her arms and glares

Stacy: What?
Candace: Who is the total king of busting?
Stacy: Sherlock Holmes?

Don't Even Blink

Stacy: "Boys are human beings, too. If you're interested in one of them, make him feel comfortable by asking him questions about himself." Okay, they lost me at the whole boys/human beings thing.

Candace growls as she looks out the window

Stacy: Candace, this article specifically states not to growl psychotically. It makes boys feel uncomfortable.
Candace: Stacy, you're a genius!
Stacy: Wow, go figure! Would you call my mom and tell her that?
Buford: How's my schedule?

Baljeet: Well, right now you are just carrying me like luggage.

Buford: We're in.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: And why would I need an invisibility ray you ask? Well, you know when those cute little Fireside Girls come by to sell their... their cupcakes or their... their raffle tickets or whatever, and you forgot to close your shades so they come to the front door and they can see you! They can see you right in there watching TV or whatever, and you can't pretend that you're not home because they can see you, and they have those big pleading eyes making you feel guilty, so I'm just going to shoot them with the ray so I don't have to look at them.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You forced my hand! I have no choice but to open the trap door and release the invisible tiger! (Silence) Are you feeling any biting or scratching in there because- Ah! Ah, ow! Back, back, back! Oh! Back, you tiger! Ow! Where are you, so I can stop you with- Get back, get in there. Get back!
Doofenshmirtz: Now, Perry the Platypus, you can never be sure where the final strike will come from. (Perry turns around) Ah, I'm an imperceptible enigma. I move in silence-- (Perry kicks him) Ow! Oh you followed the sound of my voice, maybe I should stop talk-- (Perry punches and kicks him) Ow, ow, ow! Quit it! (He knocks down a chair and rolls into the Invis-Inator's ray, causing him to become visible again) Interesting! If you're already invisible, it turns you visible again-- (Perry throws the chair at him) Ow! Oh well that came out of nowhere.
Buford: Eh, my schedule's flexible.
Baljeet: I used to be.
Candace: There must be some kind of sensor in the driveway. But where is it? It's gotta be here somewhere.

Kids: It's back!
During this, Candace moves herself back and forth and Invisinator hits the Big Obvious Ride
Kids: It's gone!
Kids: It's back!
Kids: It's gone!
Kids: Back!
Kids: Gone!
Kids: Back!

Kids: Gone!

Chez Platypus

Phineas: Dad, can I borrow your glasses? I can't see my entree. You know, 'cause it's so small.
Lawrence: (handing him the glasses) Yes, I think we got that.
Buford: Hey! I can work the velvet rope! I never leave home without my velvet rope.

Phineas: Uh...where do you keep that?

Buford: I'll never tell.
Candace: Listen, you twerps. Sometimes your stuff messes with my stuff, and tonight I got some big stuff going on. So you leave your stuff out there and leave my stuff alone or you're gonna get some of this stuff, get it?!
Phineas: (nonchalantly, after Candace leaves) So, are we pairing the chicken entreé with the soup?
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Perry the Platypus! You must have noticed how I reinforced the locks... but, you know, not the door. Let's just get you out of there. (tries to pull Perry out of the door) You know, you're really trapped here...just...just like I planned! Obviously.
Candace: What are we doing? Horseback riding? I just love horseback riding— oh, you stopped.
Trendy Woman: Platypus-themed restaurants are so now, so wow. We'll be lucky if we can get in.
Trendy Man: Cooooool.
Buford: Name?

Candace: It's me.
Buford: Me who?
Candace: I'm Candace. Candace Flynn.
Buford: You're not on the list. You should have made a reservation yesterday.

Candace: This restaurant didn't exist yesterday!
Candace: Did that guy just bribe you?
Buford: He didn't bribe me. He just caught my attention in a monetary fashion. Now, back in line!
Girlfriend: I don't even put evil on my profile anymore because it attracts so many weirdos.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Don't I know it!
Trendy Woman: Platypus themed restaurants are so 4 hours ago.
Jeremy: You know, Candace, I've had a lot of fun in your backyard, but this is the best time yet.

Perry Lays an Egg

Candace: Mom, the remote's not working!

Linda: You know, you could walk five feet and change the channel the old-fashioned way.
Candace: Oh, be for real, Mom. I'd rather watch the stupid nature show.
Linda: (walks out of the room) I'll get batteries while I'm out.
Narrator: This week on Walking with Nature, one of the world's slowest creatures; Chelonia mydas, the sea turtle.

Candace: (gets up) Five feet, huh? (sits back down) Nah, it's still not worth it.
Major Monogram: The new pneumatic transporter sucks. I mean, literally sucked every piece of hair off my body.
Major Monogram: Krill?

Carl: Krill is a small shrimp-like creature that plays an important role in the diet of the humpback whale.

Major Monogram: (scoffs) ..Krill.
Candace: Five feet for popcorn? Fine. Five feet to change the channel? I don't think so!
Narrator: Sadly, the sea hawk wins this battle.
Phineas: Nothing says mother's love like a giant robotic platypus butt.
Candace: Sometimes, I swear I'm the only normal one in this family.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I just insulted the macaroni and cheese recipe of a whale! What part of that is not evil? Pause of silence Perry the Platypus, you get back here and thwart me this instant!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Thwart me, Perry the Platypus.
Linda: Candace? What are you wearing?

Candace: It's... my mom suit.

Linda: All right. I'll try not to take that as an insult.
Jeremy enters the backyard

Jeremy: Hey, Candace. I was just stopping by to invite you... Jeremy looks at Candace's suit for a second Jeremy: Hm... Well nice mom suit. Candace turns to Linda's direction

Candace: SEE!? HE GETS IT!

Gaming the System

Buford: And then you do this... and this... and this and this and this and this and this... and this, and this, and this and this... and then this and this... and then that!
Baljeet: I can see no educational value in this game.

Buford: (swings at Baljeet) Duck!
Baljeet does so, while narrowly escaping Buford's punch, that was coming towards his head
Buford: (Laughing) Consider yourself educated.

Baljeet: I stand corrected.
Candace: Wait, I just thought of something, two somethings actually. And one of them is pointy.
Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. I've been monitoring Doofenshmirtz's internet activity. First, we know what you're getting for Christmas. Don't ask. Our lips are sealed. It's a vase.
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, you are too late. Wait, is it eleven o'clock yet? (Pauses for a beat) Now! Now you are too late!
Doofenshmirtz: You see, it's hard to fight when you're in a ballgown.
Phineas: Oh, you want cheat codes? No, we don't roll like that.
Phineas: Just jump and Duck. (Candace got hit by fruits) Okay not necessarily in that order. Just choose the appropriate action that corresponds to the approaching fruit.

Candace: What does that even mean?

Phineas: Duck! (Candace got hit by the door) Now run! (Candace got hit by a ramp) Duck! (Candace's head got sucked) Okay, you can try to jump here (Candace fell on a platform) Duck! Duck! Duck! (Candace fell on the stairs) Okay stop falling (Candace keeps falling) stop falling (Candace keeps falling) (talking to Ferb) Eesh! Maybe we should go help her.
Candace: Hmmm, maybe they should call it Jump, Duck and Blow!
Phineas: Whoa, what happened here? Oh, that's right, Candace has her hairdryer. We'll just follow the carnage.
Phineas: I forgot we made Buford the boss. Its kind of disturbing having him try to obliterate us, but it made him so happy.
Baljeet: Oh, now I see the educational value.
Buford: Y'know, eventually, I'm gettin' outta here.
Isabella: You know what they say, the bigger they are the harder they de-pixelate.
Doofenshmirtz: Seafoam green? I'm actually more of an autumn.
Jeremy: Wow, you look beautiful. I guess you... all look beautiful. Heh.

Phineas: Thanks. We think it's part of the game.

Jeremy: Okay...
Jeremy: Why did they call it a cotillion anyway?
Candace: Oh don't get me started.
Doofenshmirtz: (After falling on top of a girl in a beauty pageant and geting crowned the most beautiful): Oh I am honored. And at the same time humiliated, so thank you and curse you.

The Chronicles of Meap

Phineas: And it's a striiiyiiiiyiiike! And the crowd goes wild! (shows Perry wearing a baseball cap and a foam finger while Phineas makes cheering noises)
Phineas: Yeah, it looked way outside, but then it was right in the zone. There's a lesson, baseball fans: never judge a book by its cover.

(scene flips to Candace, looking at a row of books)
Candace: Boring, dull, stupid, lame— heavy-handed and derivative.
Linda: Oh, thank you for those insightful reviews of books you haven't read.
Candace: Mom, that's why books have covers: to judge them. I mean, why did you choose these books from the library?
Linda: They looked interesting.
Candace: So...

Linda: Point taken.
Linda: Assuming none of that is teenage code for something I should be worried about as a parent, I'm off.
Stacy: Bango-Ru!

Candace: Bango-Ruuu!!!!
Stacy: I just got my little Bunnybear! It's a cross between a bunny and a bear, get it? It's the most precious thing!
Candace: I just got mine, too! It's a cross between a cow and a frog! I'm calling him "Señor Frowg"! Isn't he the most cutest thing?! You're just gonna— (takes the Bango-Ru out of the box and discovers how disfigured it is)
Stacy: Candace? What's going on?

Candace: I just discovered why cows and frogs don't date.
Phineas: I think we just stopped and/or started an alien invasion. (the spaceship begins to open slowly) I hope he's not too angry. Or hungry.

(the spaceship opens up and Meap is inside)
Meap: Meap.

Phineas: Wow. That is cute.
Candace: He talks!
Phineas: Well, more than Ferb, but 'Meap' is pretty much the only thing he says.
Phineas: We're fixing up this spaceship that belongs to our new friend Meap. Hehe, Meap. He's the most adorable thing in the world!

Isabella: Really? Are you sure there's nothing or no one that's more adorable?
Phineas: No. Not a chance.

Isabella frowns dejectedly
Phineas: Okay, I've jerry-rigged Ferb's old GPS device to create a cute-tracker. It locks on to the cutest thing in the area, so it should lead us right to Meap! Let's see if we can get a signal. Got something!

Isabella: Oh, that's probably me. Sorry!
Phineas: No. It's three miles in that direction.
Isabella frowns dejectedly again
Phineas: Ferb, why don't you stay and finish the ship?
Ferb salutes yes, accidentally knocking himself down with his wrench
Phineas: Isabella, wanna come and help me find Meap?
Isabella: (Sarcastically) Sure. I still have to get my "You Wouldn't Know Cute If It Bit Your Legs Off" accomplishment patch.
Phineas: Cool! Let's go.

Isabella: Grrrr!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Looks like I rubbed you the wrong way, 'Puffy the Fuzzypus!'
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You might ask: Why the carpet? What is he doing? What is going on? Why is he listing questions I might ask him?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Basically, my parents disowned me; I was being raised by ocelots.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You know, it's the technical side of evil that people don't really appreciate.
Phineas: Hmm. I keep getting some kind of cute interference.

Isabella: It's me! I'm endangering the mission! I shouldn't have come.

Phineas: No, now it's cleared up.
(Buford and Baljeet are in their underpants.)

Buford: Let's never talk of this again.

Baljeet: Agreed.
Security Guard 1: Is this your doll, young lady?

Candace: Yeah.
Security Guard 1: We found it abandoned on the floor over there!
Candace: Oh, sorry!
Security Guard 1: Your irresponsibility makes our jobs as security guards a million times harder! Someone could have stolen it! Or tripped over it!
Security Guard 2: That's right. Injuries, lawsuits, stolen property.
Security Guard 1: Even death!
Security Guard 2: Yes, you could have killed me!
Security Guard 1: Me too!
Security Guard 2: We're lucky to be alive.

Security Guard 1: Yeah, you're in big trouble.
Phineas: The cute signal is getting stronger.

Isabella: Phineas.
Phineas: Yes?
Isabella: How come you think Meap is so cute? What is that even mean anyway 'cute'?
Phineas: I can't define cute, I just know it when I pick up in my cuteness meter. Although, I keep getting this weird cute interference from somewhere hmm...

Isabella frowns again
Candace: You can't ban me from Bango-Ru conventions for life! I BAN MYSELF!
Phineas: Hmm. I'm having trouble picking up Meap's cute signal.

Isabella: Phineas, since you obviously won't figure this out on your own, I think I'm the one causing the cute interference.

Phineas: Don't be silly, Isabella! I took into account your cuteness, and adjusted the cute meter settings accordingly from the beginning. See, look what happens when I change it back to normal. (the cute meter overloads and shorts out) Oops. So much for finding Meap.
Candace: (to Meap) Oh, I get it! Duh! You're trying to tell me something!
Mitch: No, I found Colin just floating all alone in space.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, I actually drew his face! Look, look, I signed it!
Mitch: That's a birthmark!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: A birthmark? It's a balloon, you idiot!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, I don't even need you anymore, yeah. I've got an even better best friend. He's a really good listener; he even put up with me going on about how great you were! Hah! It's clear to me now that my real best friend is Perry the Plat--oof!

(Perry punches Doofenshmirtz in the face, interrupting him.)

Doofenshmirtz: Um, hello, falling to my doom here!
Mitch: Only now do you understand your grave situation. (makes voice high and squeaky) 'Hi, Mitch!' 'Look at the cool stuff, Mitch!' 'Blah, blah, blah, MITCH!'
Phineas: Ha. He totally nailed you, Ferb.
Mitch: (as Meap is tying his hands up) Okay, okay, I surrender! You can stop behaving in a way counter intuitive to how you superficially appear! We get it!
Candace: You're like the me of the galaxy!
Candace: AAAH! An alien monster! Get to the ship!
Meap: Um, actually, that's my Mother-In-Law, so, uh, yeah, she's correct. Let's get out of here!

Thaddeus and Thor

Linda: All right Candace, I'm off to the grocery store, you're in charge.

Candace: Whoa-whoa-whoa wai-wai-wait, by "in charge" does that mean I'm in control of everything around here while you're gone?
Linda: Yes.
Candace: Including Phineas and Ferb? I'm the complete overlord of them?
Linda: Suddenly I'm a little scared. But, technically, yes.
Candace: So like, in a court of law, any—

Linda: CANDACE! I'll be back later.
Candace: No building any whosie-whatsits, or goozy-bahookas! In other words, don't be the world's most annoying brothers for one afternoon!
Major Monogram: Are you sure I wasn't too hard on him?

Carl: I don't know, he seemed pretty upset.

Major Monogram: I hate myself.
Phineas: Candace, we don't do this to compete. We do it for fun.
Ferb: And for the ladies. Rrrow!
Candace: Isabella! Get a tarp over that thing ASAP!

Isabella stops what she is doing.

Isabella: What color?
Thaddeus: Hey, where's Harry?

Harry: Yo, over here!

Thaddeus: Well, he is a contractor, they don't do much.
Charlene: Alright people move it in.

Doofenshmirtz: Hey! you're not even a "Doofenshmirtz" anymore!

Charlene: I kept the name.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I-I did it. I did it! Ha ha! Who's the loser now, huh?

L-O-S-E-R! Who's the loser? You are! Let's boogie! That's right! Let's boogie. The ball flies straight into Roger's hand, he tags Heinz.

Roger: You're out.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (Shuddering) Ooh. I just felt a disturbance in the cup-stacking universe. I think my record's been broken.

De Plane! De Plane!

Stacy: Hmm, that's tough. On one hand, if you go with the a-chromatic pink, it kind of says, "Hi, I'm Candace, and I'm bedraggled and pallid." Trust me, you don't want that; I've been both. But, if you go with the more saturated pink, it kind of gives you that overkill, out-to-kill, "my currency is urgency" look.

Candace: I don't want that. I've been all three.
Stacy: Let your subconscious do the deciding. Go with the one you touched first.
Candace: (sighs) Of course! Stacy, you're a fashion phenom!
Stacy: (holding two totally diferent hats) Which hat should I go with?
Candace: I don't think it matters.

Stacy: Yeah, you're right, I fuss too much.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Back story time! You see, Perry the Platypus, when I was boy my mother would never let me swim in public pools.

Doofenshirtmz looks at his mother Heinz Doofenshmirtz's mother: (in flashback) No.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What? That's it! You know, not every back story has to have some big, in-depth spiel, Mr. High Expectations.
Stacy: Wait! Now! We're exactly fashionably late!
Candace: She's like catnip for boys! She's boynip!
Stacy: You're Candace Flynn!

Candace: Yeah! I'm Candace Flynn!
Jeremy: Candace?

Candace: Oh, look. He remembered my name. How nice.
Buford: You'd better have some decent grub on this bucket.
Baljeet: You will be most gratified! (after Buford has walked away) As long as you find insignificant bags of peanuts gratifying. (sighs) Welcome to Wedgie-ville. Population: me.
Baljeet walks up to Buford, holding a plate piled high with airplane peanuts

Buford: That better not be insignificant bags of peanuts!
Baljeet: No, of course not, sir. (chuckles nervously and runs off screen) (The sounds of wrappers crinkling and china clinking take over for a second returns with a chicken made of peanuts) Here, sir. Try our deluxe Peanut Chicken. Our motto is, "So peanutty, you will not even taste the chicken."
Singers: (singing) So peanutty, you won't even taste the chicken!
Buford: I better not taste any chicken then, loser. (takes off the leg of the peanut-chicken and eats it). Alright, you survive for now.

Baljeet: Oh, thank you, sir!
Candace: There's been a lot of talk around here about diving and snakes and diving with snakes and snakes into pools filled with piranha and sulfuric acid—

Nicolette: I didn't say anything about sulfuric acid.

Candace: Leave all questions to the end of the rant? Thank you.
Candace: Everyone stop doing things that I'm not good at!

Let's Take a Quiz

Candace: Oh my gosh, Stacy, have you heard? ... "About what"?! About Jeremy! He's on a TV commercial.

Stacy: Yeah I know! I heard it from Christina, who heard it from Jenny, who heard it from Jessie, who heard it from you.

Candace: Well, it's totally true!
Stacy: I guess you forgot about that insignificant little detail.

Candace: Heh-heh, insignificant little detail, insignificant little... Phineas and Ferb! Stacy, you a genius!

Stacy: Would you call my mom and tell her that?
(Major Monogram is giving Carl a massage)

Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P, uh... ahem. Carl and I made a bet, and, well... I lost. (Clears throat)
(Carl puts his fingers on Monogram's mouth as if he's the one talking)
Carl: (In a falsetto voice) Dozens of delivery trucks have been...
Major Monogram: This was, uh, part of the bet.
Carl: ...showing up at Doofenshmirtz's, and no good can come from that. Get to the bottom of it. (Laughs)
(Major Monogram reappears with a clown costume on and continues giving Carl a massage)

Major Monogram: This actually wasn’t part of the bet.
Buford: My face is my fortune.
Baljeet: Of... course it is... ha ha ha, ha, ha.
Buford: Tony!

Candace: Tony?
Buford: Y Not.
Phineas: Why not?

Buford: Yeah! TONY backwards!
Phineas: I just wanted to remind everyone that the physical challenges are a little rigorous, but the rewards are inconsequential.
Phineas: If you need anything, don't bother to speak up.
Television Announcer: Buy now for only five-ninety-nine and get— (Doofenshmirtz shuts off TV, picks up phone)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I'll take two.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It all started with the Fruit Dehydrator. I've been eating hydrated fruit like a sucker my whole life!
Phineas: Let's meet our contestants. She's allergic to parsnips and dairy, say hello to my sister... Candace Flynn!

Candace: Oh. Uh... Hi. (waves)
The audience cheers loudly.
Phineas: He's a bully by vocation, but has a soft spot for goldfish. Say hello to Buford Van Stomm.
The audience boos loudly.

Phineas: I see we have no clear fan favorite tonight.
Buford: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Bunions!
Candace: Wait a minute, why does he lose five—
Phineas: I'm sorry, all questions must be phrased in the form of an answer.
Stacy: You're losing right now, and losers don't have star quality. Say something.

Candace: Like what?
Bells chime.

Phineas: Forty-five points for Candace! Good one, Candace.
Phineas: Wow, a hundred points. Candace is on fire!

Candace: (muffled by bag) Woo-hoo. I'm not... really on fire, am I?

Buford: No, you're good.
Phineas: What is...?

Candace: Teddy Bear Stuffing! (covers her mouth) Be a star... be a star Candace, c'mon be a star...

Buford: Wow, somebody's got issues.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (After being hit with Shrink-inator) Curse you-- Hey! Hey, you missed my hand. Oh, now not only am I shrunken, but I'm freakishly shrunken. Curse you Perry the Platy-- (his hand falls on him) Aw, this is kind of heavy.

At the Car Wash

Phineas: Hi, Mom!

Linda: Hi, boys. What are you kids up to today?
Phineas: Just trying out our new invention. It's called the Ladybug 2000 Roving Swing Set. Wanna whirl?

Linda: Not right now, sweetie. I'm going to the gardening store. Something's been eating my hydrangeas.
Isabella: We started a bake sale...

(they all look at Holly who's face and hair are all blown up)
...then we tried cat-sitting...
(then they all look at Ginger with scratch marks and her clothes all torn)
...even a lemonade stand...
(looking at Katie was wrapped in bandages)

...but, nothing worked...
Major Monogram: Hey, is something burning around the stove?
Carl: My spaghetti!
Carl: Excuse me, sir, I wrote my sophomore thesis on quakes and seismic events. If you want, you could check out my website.

Major Monogram: Carl, spaghetti?

Carl: Oh, that's right!
Phineas: Okay, Ferb, let's test out the super-charged über nozzle.

Candace: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING— (screams as water sprays her in the face)

Phineas: It works!
Candace: This is so romantic, it's like we going through to our very own tunnel of l-(After the Fireside Girls throws water balloons at the car) HORROR!
Computerized Voice: System overload. Cliché explosion imminent.

Oh, There You Are, Perry

Candace: more peach and pumpernickel sandwiches before bed.
Major Monogram: We call him the Regurgitator!

Carl: We keep pushing him down, but he keeps coming back up!
Major Monogram: That's not funny, Carl, it's just disgusting!
Carl: You laughed earlier!

Major Monogram: It was a pity laugh.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Sees button that says DO NOT PUSH Do not push, hmm...

He pushes it and is sucked through The Regurgitator's vacuum tube and lands hard.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, my Heinz hiney... look at this, all this technology, a vacuum tube, and they can't afford a throw pillow?
Candace: You have a pet beaver?

Woman: You have a pet platypus.

Candace: Touché.
Phineas: Maybe we need to think bigger, and with music! Perry just loves music, remember?
(Flashback shows a chubby, yet very cute baby Perry and younger Phineas playing with a xylophone.)
Candace: Phineas, Ferb. I just have to tell you I'm the one...

Marty the Rabbit Boy: Hey!
Candace: Marty the Rabbit Boy and his musical blender?
Marty the Rabbit Boy: Maybe this one will make you feel better.
Performs in musical blender the Gitchee Gitchee Goo.

Candace: Eh, not so much.
Doofenshmirtz: Don't look at me like that, Perry the Platypus. I know what you're thinking. I-I'm not some lowly intern. I'm an evil scientist! I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and he should be bowing down to me! (at the Regurgitator) Hey you, Mr. Regurgitator! Let's get things straight!

The Regurgitator: What?

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, okay. (to Perry) See that, Perry the Platypus? Compromise.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: We did it! We did it! ¡Lo hicimos! We did it!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So if we're enemies again, does that mean...

Perry drops Doofenshmirtz, who tumbles and stops at a throw pillow

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Curse you Perry The Platy... Oh, oh, see there, a throw pillow. You guys do it right!
Candace: ♪♪ I'm gonna move to the prairie,

And change my name to Larry ♪♪
Phineas: Larry?

Candace: I ran out of rhymes, all right?

Swiss Family Phineas

Phineas: Ahoy Ferb, any sign of the great white whale?
Candace: You guys better not be talking about me!
Lawrence: When we're at sea, there's no right or left, only port and starboard.

Isabella: So which side has the restroom?
Lawrence: (laughing) It's not a restroom, it's—
Phineas: It's called the poop deck.
Lawrence: Well no, actually it's called the head.

Phineas: Really? 'Cause poop deck makes much more sense.
Major Monogram: You see, Carl, nothing distracts kids like ice cream. You need to get those 2 boys away from Agent P, so he can proceed to his mission.

Carl: (whilst saluting) Aye-aye, sir!
Major Monogram: Both hands on the wheel, Carl.

Carl: Sorry, sir.
Buford: Gimme a double carmel fudge.

(Agent P spits out his hat and goes up a chute on the ice cream truck)
(Carl rushes off with Perry)

Buford: Hey, he didn't charge me! Rookie mistake.
Candace: (imitating Lawrence) "Oh, Candace, go find us some food." (with normal voice) Yeah, like a quart of ice cream is gonna just drop out of the--(some strawberry ice cream falls on her head)
Lawrence: We may be on this island for a while.

Candace: A while?! You mean we're stranded!? That means we won't get to Jeremy's party before the sun sets! We'll be stuck here forever, eating rocks and bugs, then I'll have to marry a monkey and have monkey-kids and name them Xavier and Amanda! (She sobs)

Lawrence: And we'll love them anyway.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: That's right, run away Perry the Platy- (falls in washer) Oh dear!

Hide and Seek

Buford: What kind of fun can we have when it's rainin'?

Isabella: We could talk about our feelings.
Buford: OK, I'll rephrase it. What kind of fun can we have when it's rainin'?
Baljeet: I would not mind talking about my feelings.
(Buford punches Baljeet)
Buford: How do you feel now?
Baljeet: In pain?

Buford: There. We're done.
Baljeet: Pfft, what a nerd.
said of Irving's obsession
In reference to Irving's scrapbook

Phineas: Is that a lock of Ferb's hair?

Irving: (slamming book) Don't touch it!
Baljeet: Hey, somebody take a picture of me next to this dust bunny!
Doofenshmirtz: From now on, I'll be green! I'll be all the shades of green. They'll... they will call me el verde and tell my tale in Greenland.
Irving: Hey, I don't have to digitally insert myself!
Buford: Go tell it to your blog.
Baljeet: Earthquake!

Phineas: It's Candace! Hey everyone, Candace is it! Everybody hide!

Irving: You guys always have a plan!
Phineas: We don't have a plan.
Doofenshmirtz: It will be so delicious to know where Perry lives! I can ring his doorbell, and run away!
Buford: C'mon, fan boy, do you want to live forever?
Irving: Is that an option?
Phineas (to Candace): How you doing, short stuff?
Candace: Who smells like fly guts?
Baljeet: I had to survive, Okay?!
Major Monogram: Good morning Agent P. We've received some disturbing calls from Doofenshmirtz.

(Recording of Doofenshmirtz's call)
Doofenshmirtz: Hello? Monogram...are you home? If you're home, please pick it up. Pick it up. Hello? Oh, I hate these machines. Okay, listen. I'm being evil and I need Perry the Platypus to come over and stop me. (Beep) Wait-- wait, did I hear a beep? Did the machine just cut me off? Oh-ah-oh I don't know what to do. You know what, I'm just going to call back. Major Monogram: I want you to find out what he's up to and-- (Beeps; recording starts again)
Doofenshmirtz: Hello? I-- I think your machine cut me off before, what I was saying---
Major Monogram: Find out what Doofenshmirtz is up to and put a stop to it.

(Doofenshmirtz continues rambling in the distance; Major Monogram groans)
Doofenshmirtz: Well, that's done. And no comeuppance! (beat) Why do I feel so empty?

That Sinking Feeling

Baljeet: She is, but, she's different now.

Phineas: Different how? Did she turn into a werewolf or something?
Baljeet: No, she is... a GIRL!
Phineas: She was probably a girl the whole time.
Baljeet: Let me explain. Four years ago, back in India, we used to have such a good time together!
(Flashback of Baljeet and Mishti younger)

Phineas: And she never ever showed any kinda sign of werewolfism at all?
Baljeet: I do not even know what girls like!

Phineas: Isn't it, like, sugar and spice and everything nice?

Baljeet: That is what they are made of. I do not want to build one. Duh!
Baljeet: If you do not already have plans for this upcoming afternoon...

Mishti: Actually, I had plans with you.

Baljeet: Oh, well, if you are busy...
Candace: I just wish Jeremy was more romantic. You know, like Romeo and Juliet romantic, but without all the dying.
Linda: (on phone with Candace) Candace, if you're feeding the geese again, I hope you're not wearing a tube-top. Do you mind?

Lawrence: Now, it sounds like a spaceship.
Lawrence spinning the tube-top

Linda: Okay, let me try.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, this thimble makes a perfect little chimney. I hope Perry the Platypus appreciates all of this hard work I've done.

Vanessa: (in background, walking by) He won't.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I know.
Phineas: Cue music! Classical music, very romantic. Cue rose petals.!

Buford: Hey, everyone, I'm wearing a diaper!

Phineas: So, do I know romance or what?
Isabella: What.
Phineas: I said, do I know romance or—

Isabella (flatly): I heard you.
Buford: Well, that's the end of this diaper!
Jeremy: Candace, I love having some kid's feet in my face as much as the next guy, but do you think we could just grab a Slushy burger?
Doofenshmirtz: You know what, Perry the Platypus? I think it's time for you to go.

(Perry looks surprised)That's right, go on! Your services are no longer required. The lighthouse is gone, and there's nothing you can do about it. So you might as well run back to Major Monogram and tell him you lost this one.

(An awkward silence as Perry uncertainly steps toward the door, looks back at Doofenshmirtz, then looks back at the door. Finally, he leaves.)

The Baljeatles

At the beginning while Baljeet is wailing loudly

Phineas: (starts to get angry) Okay, what the heck IS that sound?! Come on, Ferb. I know what we're not gonna do today. We're not gonna figure out what we are gonna do today as long as that noise keeps up!
Candace: If you don't stop that racket, I am so going to bust you... empty backyard?

Stacy: Candace, stop trying to bust your backyard!
Stacy: I dunno. Lately I've been feeling like a third wheel around you guys...
Candace: What? No! I always thought more like Jeremy and I were two wheels, and you were separate, on a unicycle, all doot doot doodle doodle oot... (carnival music, Candace mimes juggling on a unicycle)
Candace: Wait a minute! I just thought of something! Jeremy's never given me a nickname! (rummages under bed) I refer you to the chart.

Stacy: Oh, goody. The chart.

Candace: You see, Jeremy only ever calls me Candace, and nothing else. When a guy makes you his girlfriend, he gives you a nickname for you. A pet name like Baby, Honey, Peg-Leg Pete, his own personal stamp!
Phineas: Baljeet's house? For such a mild mannered kid, we sure wind up here for a lot of weird reasons...
Phineas: Is everything okay?

Baljeet: If by okay, you mean that my life is a meaningless, black cauldron of swirling failure, then yes,(Ferb puts earplugs back in) everything is groovy.

Phineas: That's not at all what I meant by okay!
Baljeet: I could actually get an ehh... an ehh... an— oh, I cannot even say that terrible letter! Ineas! Erb! What am I going to do?

Phineas: Well, that was an interesting sound you were getting out of your guitar. I think you'll do just fine.
Baljeet: (solemnly) That was not my guitar. That was me. I call it the "Fail Wail." (demonstrates wail)
Phineas: Baljeet. Baljeet! Whoa! Hey! Thank you. We can show you how to rock.
Baljeet: Really?

Phineas: Absolutely. Hey, I think the Fail Wail scared Perry off!
Major Monogram: Evil... wait... you... await... evil awaits!

Carl: Cut, cut!

Major Monogram: Oh, come on!
Phineas: Rock and roll isn't about books! It's about letting go and having fun! Rock and roll is a way for you to tell the world how you feel.

Baljeet: Feel about what?
Phineas: Expressing yourself. What do you do when you're angry?
Baljeet: Math.
Phineas: Okay. How about sad?
Baljeet: Math.
Phineas: Happy?
Baljeet: Math!
Phineas: So every feeling you have makes you want to do math?

Baljeet: I do not know if is so much cause and effect; I do a lot of math. The feelings come and go.
Stacy: That's Coltrane? He's really cute!

Candace: Hmm, I guess he is. Hey, wait a minute... You like Coltrane!
Stacy: Well, I've never actually talked to him before, but...
Candace: Quick, what should we do? Hide? No, wait, pretend you're a talent scout. Ooh, here! I think I have a fake mustache on me!
Stacy: Let's just go over and say hi.

Jeremy: (to Coltrane) What do you think it means when a girl leaves a fake mustache at your house?
Candace: How's it going with you and Coltrane?

Stacy: I think it's going well. He asked me to save him a dance.
Candace: He did? What do you think he meant by that?
Stacy: I think he meant he wants to dance with me.

Candace: Hmm. Men and their impossible, endless riddles.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the— wait, is that The Baljeatles?
Candace: Just call me "Can't-Dance Flynn."

Jeremy: (laughs) Okay, that's your new nickname.
Candace: Wait, what? No! I'm not supposed to nickname myself! You're supposed to come up with it! (starts crying) You don't even care enough to try!
Jeremy: Hey, wait a second! I call you Candace, but not because I don't care enough to come up with a cute nickname for you! I call you Candace 'cause... I happen to really like that name.
Candace: You do?

Jeremy: Of course I do! 'Cause it's your name. (they hug)
Phineas: Well, Baljeet, if it means anything, I give you an A plus in rock.
Baljeet: No, that means almost nothing.

Vanessassary Roughness

Candace: Well I'm gonna buy Jeremy a gift. It's the anniversary of the very first time Jeremy and I went to Slushy Burger. He spilled a cheese dog on me and mustard got all over the place, he was so sweet.
Stacy: Hmm tough one, I don't think they make a card for that.
Linda: I need a 25 lbs. tub of mayonnaise, and 80 lbs. of potatoes to make potato salad for the bridge club.
Phineas: Wow. That's a lot of potato salad.
After Carl mentions that he thought of the Dog Bone Communicator
Major Monogram: Carl! I'm trying to use the bone!
Baljeet: As a person of superior intellect, I require an angry wall of meat to protect my science project.
Vanessa: There must be an easier way to earn a car.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You know what they say about taking the easy way...
Vanessa: (Exasperated) What do they say?

Heinz: Well, I could tell you, but that would be taking the easy way, and you know what they say about that.
Vanessa: Wait! Dad, I can do this for you! I can go find this Pizzazium thing and prove to you that I can be responsible, that I can do things on my own! Then you can get me my own car, right?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I don't know...Are you sure you c-
Vanessa: Of course I can! I'm me! It'll be a piece of cake.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: We'll see.
Vanessa: I'm not hearing a "No!"

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I'm not saying a "Yes!"
Stacy: Hey, isn't Jeremy into camping?

Candace: Yeah.
Stacy: So maybe a pocket knife, or a fishing lure, or a compound bow!
Stacy pretends to hold a bow and shoots

Stacy: Take that apple on kid's head!
Baljeet: And then I will start my own foundation to... Are you not hearing me?
Buford: What? Buford hungry.
Stacy: You can't expect the perfect gift to just fall out of the sky.

Candace: It's perfect! It's all futuristic-y, and cool, and it dropped out of the sky!

Stacy: Well, I guess I stand corrected.
Phineas: Ferb, you gotta try this chair, I can't feel my brain.
Phineas: My fingers look just like snakes!
Stacy: Check it out! They do make a card for a spilled cheese dog with mustard.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I got it! I got it! I got it!

Mall Security Guard: Excuse me sir, you know you have to pay for this.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I was! I was going to pay!
Mall Security Guard: Tell it to the judge.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Don't worry guys, we'll get this all straightened out. Vanessa! Vannessa-
Mall security drags him away

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: No, no, you can't take me! I don't have anyone to curse!
Vanessa: Well, time to find out where they dragged Dad off to. I guess that car is gonna have to wait. Oh yeah, thanks.

Vanessa kisses Ferb in the cheek. In Ferb's view, dreamy music plays as flowers fly behind him. Phineas arrives shaking

Phineas: Did I miss something? (Ferb stops him from shaking) Thanks, Ferb.

No More Bunny Business

Major Monogram: Carl! You said you could draw!
Phineas: Finally! The world-famous X-ray vision glasses! (puts glasses on and looks at hand) Whoa. ...We got totally ripped off! Ferb, let me see that comic again. Aw, for cryin' out loud! 'Amazing illusion... Fool your friends... does not actually provide X-ray vision '— oh, man! This is a rip-off! It's just like that body-building course we got last summer. (Ferb instantly turns very muscled, but turns back to regular self when Phineas turns around) And I was so looking forward to looking through things.
Candace: (speaking to Perry) Get away from him! I don't want your blandness to rub off.
Candace: Leg warmers? Who wears leg warmers? Hah, I sure don't.
Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Planty the Potted Plant!!!
Phineas: Hey, what happened to all the carrots? One minute there's a backyard full of carrots. I turn around for half a minute and; Poof! – now they're gone!

Candace: Welcome to my world.

Phineas: Wow, that must be really annoying.
Candace: Do you like wearing pink? (Perry chatters nervously)

Spa Day

Candace: Hi, Yummaney...I mean-
Stacy: Hi, Jeremy.
Jeremy: Candace, if you want to have your spa day, it's all right with me.
Candace: You heard "spa day"? Because I said "hurrah day". Like, hurrah, I can't wait to build houses!'
Carl: Do you want the ones with the triangles or the imitation pink splatters?
Major Monogram: Triangles. And make it snappy. (pauses) I got the urge to pop and lock.
Jeremy: Cool beans. I'll let you get back to it.

Candace: Yeah! Cool beans! Cool legumes! (hits nail with hammer)

Stacy: Ow!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: No, look what you did to the moon! It's huge! It's, uh... it's actually kinda pretty.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I call him Mister Fluffypants, you know, he's fluffy, he looks like he's got pants, plus he reminds me of my my uncle Fluffypants who... actually never wore any pants, uh, come to think of it, I don't know why we called him that. Hmm.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) Anyway, I just love giving people nicknames. For instance, you're Mr. Duck-Bill Face. And Major Monogram, I call him "Monobrow". (laughs) That's a good one, you know, because he's... He's got the one, you know? And his little friend, the intern, is "Dr. Coconut." ... Yeah. Sometimes, I wish I didn't know so much.
Stacy: Okay, you can stop that right now. You're starting to sound like one of those TV shows we like to make fun of.

Candace: But Stacy...
Stacy: Look, the way I see it, you prevented me from going to the spa, almost killed me with a jackhammer, dropped a wall on me, I've got gypsum in my hair, and basically wasted my whole day, but you did it for love, so it's oK.
Candace: Really?
Stacy: Yeah. Remembered the time of the third grade?
Candace: You mean when you glued that hamster to my hair just to impress Billy Clarke?
Stacy: Yeah. It's like that.
Both: (sighing) Huh. Billy Clarke.

Candace: So we guess we're even.
Buford is seen in a hot tub
Buford: It's not plugged in.
Candace: A backyard spa? You guys are so bus— (Stacy shoots her a look) Yeah. That sounds great.
The ray from the Eraseinator zaps Phineas and Ferb's spa, causing it to disappear; Linda walks in.

Linda: Candace? Stacy? What are you doing?
Candace: We're enjoying the spa.
Linda: ...What spa?
Candace: Well, Phineas and Ferb—the spa is gone, isn't it?
Linda: What does that even mean?

Candace: (sighs) Never mind.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I'm gonna have to do the right thing here, aren't I? Fine, here you go.

Crowd: Awwww!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Don't you people have jobs?

Phineas and Ferb's Quantum Boogaloo

Future Candace: (on the phone) Oh Stacy, every job has its problems. But there's gotta be an upside to being president of Uruguay. No, huh. Me? I'm fine, the kids are fine. Xavier and Fred are in the backyard with young Phineas and Ferb. YOUNG Phineas and Ferb? Gotta go, Stacy. Good luck with that llama legislation.
Phineas: So, what are you guys gonna make this summer? How about... bumper cars that move in five dimensions?

Xavier: Oh yeah. Okay, we'll do that.
Phineas: We'd love to stay and help, but we've gotta find a wood-and-steel-fusing tool.
Xavier: Fred's got one.
Fred: I'm sitting on it!
Xavier: I'm sitting next to it!
Phineas: Fantastic. Thanks guys! Have a good future!
(Phineas and Ferb walk away, leaving Xavier and Fred)
Xavier: I like that kid.

Fred: I like the kid standing next to him!
Future Major Monogram: Agent P, another failed mission. It's gotten really hard to defeat Doofenshmirtz ever since we swore that oath to obey him.

Future Carl: Major Monogram, I've detected a temporal anomaly in quadrant four which means a time machine was recently used there.
Future Major Monogram: That's it! Agent P, you've got to get to that time machine and go back to the past, right before that giant tin foil ball put you in that full body cast for eighteen months. That's when Doofenshmirtz got the upper hand and its downfall ever since. This is our chance to fix it.
(Future Doofenshmirtz appeared on the screen)
Future Doofenshmirtz: Oh wait, Perry the Platypus. Change your plans; instead of doing that, DON'T! All right, see you later. Remember the oath!
(Future Perry loses hope)

Future Major Monogram: Curse that oath!
Past Phineas: Candace! You're grown up! And there's two of you!
Past Phineas: Shouldn't the Candace from the bad future cease to exist too?

Bad Future Candace: Oh darn.

(She zaps out of existence)
(Future Candace explains her predicament)

Past Phineas: Ferb, isn't there an old time machine in the museum of natural history?
Future Candace: Yes, that's the one you fix later this summer when we go to the museum. It's the one I took back from the future but now it's destroyed!
Past Phineas: Okay, so the future time machine gets destroyed. That means the one in the present is rarin' to go! We'll fix it, take you to the future, bring back the time machine, and unfix it again. So it'll be ready to fix when we go to the museum next time!
Future Candace: Phineas, I'm a fully grown woman and I didn't understand any of that.
Past Phineas: Just trust me! Come on!
(Past Phineas drags future Candace away)

Past Isabella: Wow! Roller-coaster ride, now this. Bonus.
Adult Candace: (about her present self) Wow! Was I always this nuts?
Future Linda: Candace! You're so young!

Past Candace: Mom! You're sooo...
Future Linda: Don't say it...
Past Candace: ...ooooooooo...
Future Linda: You don't have say that word...
Past Candace: ...llllllllllddddddddd...
Future Linda: I mean it!

Past Phineas: Mom! You're so OLD!!!
Amanda: So that's Uncle Phineas and Ferb as kids.

Future Candace: That's right.
Amanda: And that girl looks like Aunt Isabella.
Past Isabella: Did you hear that? 'Aunt Isabella'! That means I'm gonna marry Phineas!
Past Candace: Or Ferb.

(Past Ferb turns around, winks, points and makes a clicking noise to Isabella)
Past Candace: Oh man! In twenty years you guys are so busted! I guess that's a hollow victory... But I proves that you can be busted, so I'm never gonna give up! Never, never, never! Did I say, "Never?!" Oh, yes I did! Never, never, never! Never! NEVER! NEVER!!!!
Past Ferb: Well... at least we know she mellows with age.
Baljeet: You got to hang out with dinosaurs?

Phineas: Yeah, earlier this summer.
(Ferb shows photographs of him and Phineas on top of dinosaurs)
Baljeet: Hmm. (while pushing away chalkboard) Well, thank you for inviting me.
Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're going to do today!
(Past Isabella zaps in on the time machine)
Past Isabella: No, you don't. Here's the wood and steel fusing tool you need.
(Past Isabella holds out and hands the tool to Phineas)
Phineas: Thanks. Hey, want a soda?
Past Isabella: Thanks!
(Past Isabella grabs a soda from off the ground and zaps back in the time machine)
Phineas: Well, looks like we don't have to go to the future after all.

Ferb: Some other time perhaps.

Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Hold on, I gotta go back a bit— your name is Francis?

Major Monogram: Yes, spelled with an I.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Spelled with an I? Wouldn't that be Frincis?
Major Monogram: No, it's F-R-A-N-C-I-S. It's the masculine spelling.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Fran, Franny... yes, very macho.

Major Monogram: See, this is why I just go by Major!
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: When I was a boy, my parents would never let me watch music videos.

Needle scratching
Major Monogram: No, no! We don't have time for an emotionally scarring back story.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Well maybe I should give you an emotionally scarring FRONT story!
Heinz walks out of scene.
Major Monogram: Okay, that doesn't even make any sense.
Zooms out to show Heinz in a monster truck.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: It doesn't have to, I've got a monster truck!
Shouts in joy and rides off.
Major Monogram: Video number—
Is cut off by Heinz, who zooms by with monster truck.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Number 7!
Heinz rides off.

Major Monogram: (wincing in pain) That was my foot.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Wait, you're getting paid for this? I have to do this for community service! I gotta do like, 200 hours!

Major Monogram: This show is only half an hour long.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I have to do this 400 times?
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Don't go away, folks. When we come back we'll have the FINAL FOUR!

Pauses and holds up three fingers. Realizes his mistake and holds up four. Crowd laughs.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Plus a special music video that will ENSLAVE THE TRI-STATE AREA! I mean... engrave my... pie plate carrier.
Pauses. Picks up pie plate carrier. Crowd laughs.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Look, it's silver! It was a wedding gift. I got it in the divorce! That's right ladies, I'm available!
Major Monogram: Say good night, Doofenshmirtz!
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: You know, some day I will get out of this cage but your name will still be Francis.

Bubble Boys

Phineas: Look at what that bubble is doing to my face. (Laughs) You make me laugh out loud, bubble.
Baljeet: You know how you told me to seize the day? Consider it seized.
Phineas: That's not what I meant.
Baljeet: I am going to miss my polka recital!
Buford: I've heard it. It's a small loss.
Linda: Candace, I think we've had quite enough of your driving.
Candace: Not now, Mom. I have to get this car into the sky!
Phineas: We're at the mercy of the breeze.
Baljeet: Sure, when you say it like that, it sounds relaxing.
Gretchen: With our angle of descent, leaning will be ineffectual!

The group lets out a collective "What?"

Gretchen: We're gonna crash!
Phineas: Baljeet, you totally saved us.
Baljeet: When in danger, I always hyperventilate.
Baljeet: You know, this whole "relaxing" thing is... relaxing.

Isabella and the Temple of Sap

Isabella: So, did you guys decide what patch to get today? Cause I have a suggestion!

Adyson: Let me guess, the "Let's Help Phineas and Ferb" patch?
Isabella: It's called the "Help Thy Neighbor" patch, Adyson. Don't make up patch names.
Ginger: I already have 52 of those.
Milly: I have 53. Remember? I was there that one afternoon after everyone else went home.
Isabella: I know, don't remind me.
Gretchen: You just want excuse to see Phineas.
Isabella: The very thing I live for.
Adyson: All right, then! Let's go see what Phineas and Ferb are doing!
Ginger: Why don't we ever go see what Baljeet is doing?
Milly: Because we've done that before.

Holly: Yeah, and that patch wasn't worth it.
Isabella: Okay, Phineas. (Asking the Fireside Girls) Oh my gosh!? What did he say? What does he need? (Sigh) I was in Phineasland again.
Milly: (Looks at Ginger putting a patch on her sash) What's that patch for?

Ginger: It's the "I Just Saw A Cute Boy" patch.
Milly: Where?
Ginger: Duh, that one over there with the color-coded schedule!

Ginger points at Baljeet, Milly and Ginger stare at him for a second, then Milly tears the patch off.
Professor Poofenplotz: (Singing) It's important to look your very best when you're doing your very worst... And by that I mean evil...
Isabella: Hi. Excuse me? Um, hello? Earth to hippie! (Notices he is playing a didgeridoo) Excuueuueuueuuese meuueuueuue.

The Guru stops playing
The Guru: Whoa. You just harmonized with me.

The Fireside Girls let out a collective "oooh!"
The Guru: Don't fret, my pet. There happens to be one sole maracanut tree left in existence. It's at the old abandoned Old Abandoned Amusement Park over on the next hill.

Isabella: Did you just say the Old Abandoned Old Abandoned Amusement Park?
The Guru: Yes, the old abandoned Old Abandoned Amusement Park.
Isabella: "Old, abandoned" twice?
The Guru: Yes.
Isabella: All right...
The Guru: Step up, little sister. Let me bestow upon you... the key of wisdom. Bask in its glory!
Drops 2 gold keys and a key chain that has the peace sign on it in Isabella's hands.
The Guru: Cool, huh?
Isabella: Um...
The Guru disappears in a puff of smoke
Fireside Girls: He's gone!
Adyson: Wow.
Gretchen: No, he's not. He's right over there.
Points to The Guru in a different direction

The Guru: Oh. Hey! Hello sisters. See you on the flip-side.
Isabella: Fireside Girls, report!

Katie: Nothing up here, captain!
Gretchen: Ditto, chief!
Holly: It just smells like feet in here!
Ginger: These clown lockers are just full of cheap hairspray!

Isabella: It has to be around here somewhere! Creepy roadside hippie gurus are generally reliable.
Isabella: Stickiness is the most underrated of all the -nesses.
Isabella: So let's procure the sap for Phineas!

Fireside Girls: Yay, Phineas!
Isabella: Oh, and Ferb, too.
Fireside Girls: And Ferb, too!
Ginger: And Baljeet!

Katie comes over and rips off her "I Just Saw A Cute Boy patch".
Isabella: Hey, Phineas! We got the sap you guys needed.

Isabella hands Phineas the beaker of sap.
Phineas: Excellent, Isabella! That's the last ingredient we need! Now all we have to do is... run away together! (Isabella's vision from earlier returns, until Gretchen shakes her.)

Gretchen: Isabella? (Record scratch) Isabell-a? Phineas said, "Thanks."

Cheer Up Candace

Ferb: So, how about that airline food?
Candace: He just broke our date AND hung up on me. Oh, it's probably not as bad as I think. Let's see what Quazmo has to say about it. (looks at the magazine and finds something shocking and starts whimpering)

Phineas: The last card. You do the honors, Ferb.
(Candace screams at the top of her lungs and causes a riot of causing Phineas and Ferb's house of cards crumble down, scaring a flock of birds, making dogs bark at each other, causing seals to dive into the ocean, having monkeys jump around and wail and Tarzan shout his trademark cry; the monkeys look at Tarzan angrily)

Tarzan: What?
Major Monogram: (while clips of bad deeds done by Agent P are shown) Agent P, um.. well, due to your reprehensible behavior over the past few days, which I still barely believe is even possible from an agent of your caliber, who's been nothing but the best in his field, (shows clip of Agent P eating cereal) I... actually don't know what was particularly bad about this clip here, but we have no choice but—

Carl: Why, why'd you do it?
Major Monogram: Not yet Carl, wait until I'm done here. You are officially discharged. Okay, now Carl.
Carl: Why, why'd you do it?
Major Monogram: Cuff him, boys.
(Perry pulls hands back, presses a button, and then flies to the back of his lair.)
Major Monogram: Red alert! Red alert! Renegade agent on the run!

(Agents chase Perry, a duck carries a chair with him.

Candace: Now don't try anything funny!
Phineas: Candace has a great sense of humor. Remember the time she got her face caught in the sink?
Baljeet: So, little Jeet, I hear you went to New Delhi. And did you try the chicken club?

Baljeet's Dummy: Wow. That's really what you're going with? You know, just do the water drinking bit.
Baljeet: Okay. The pythagorean theorem... (drinks water)
Baljeet's Dummy: Is the square of the hypotenuse of a right tri-
(Baljeet chokes on the water)

Phineas: Let's hear it for the dummy! And that puppet wasn't bad either.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You see it occurred to me that what I really should be doing is fighting fire with fire. And by fire, I mean Perry the Platypus, and by fire, I ALSO mean Perry the Platypus. It occurred to me while I was on fire.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: ...and say aloha to Jerry the Platypus... (shows distorted Perry lookalike) Yeah, he was the first one out of the batch, but you know, he was so cute, I couldn't bear to- (Jerry hits Doofenshmirtz with the pipe he was drooling on) Ow! Ow! No, no Jerry you cannot hit people, you do not- (Jerry hits him again) No, use your words Jerry!
Buford: (as Broccoli Top) I'm gonna do some prop comedy for you, and you're gonna like it! Okay, what have we got? (reaches into the box and gets a house) Here's's a house! For, uh...I don't know. A mouse or something. (drops and breaks house; gets a book from his box) Here's a book! Hey, what am I...what am I supposed to do? Read? (throws book) Next! All right, let's see what else we've got! Um, and here's, uh, um... (gets out an oyster shell) An oyster shell! Look! mom went to a seafood restaurant...I don't have's me, it's just interesting. I'll put that one back in the box. (puts shell back in box) What else we got? Oh here we go! Look! (pulls out Baljeet) A nerd to go with the book!

Baljeet: I am in both acts!
Buford: (throws Baljeet off stage and onto Ferb's drum set) Thank you! Buford's still in the building!
Candace: This isn't making me feel any better.

Buford: What? You wanna wrestle?
Candace: Say, aren't you the dummy from the club?

Baljeet and his dummy look at each other.

Baljeet's Dummy : She's talking to you.
Candace: Oh, would you look at this? If I wasn't so depressed, my brothers would be so busted!

Fireside Girl Jamboree

Candace: (At computer screen) No, you've exceeded your login attempts!
Major Monogram: It hasn't been approved for testing on humans, so you get to try it out first!
Candace: Who puts a picture frame on a window?
Stanky Dog: That's right, unless you've had your head stickin' out of a window, you'll know that the tickets just went on sale and sold out in 13 seconds flat!
Candace: Is all that really necessary?
Candace: Alligator, you're going down!
Phineas: Sigan sentados, por favor. (Remain seated, please.)
Candace: Are you speaking Spani--(Screams)
Isabella: (At Candace) You've earned more patches in one day than anyone in the history of the Fireside Girls —- 49 patches. Which pretty much blows away the previous record of 6 patches held by our own Adyson Sweetwater.
Adyson: Aw, nuts!

The Bully Code

Baljeet: Do you find it as curious as I do that your menu has not changed since you opened in 1929?
Jeremy: I know. It's awesome, right. It's our motto - "Slushy Dawgs will never get any better."
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: See? I saved you a spot, right there, see? It says "Save for Perry". Of course, it was a bigger spot before I wrote "Save for Perry" on it...
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You heard of the internet?! Well, this is just a net. But you're caught!
Jeremy: Hey, Candace. I see you've sent me some pictures. I can't wait to take a look when I take my break.

Candace Yeah! (after Jeremy leaves) No!

Stacy: (covered in ketchup and mustard) I found out what all the buttons are for.
Linda: Candace? You work here?
Candace: Mom? You eat here?
Candace: I'm going to et-gay the one-phay.
Stacy: Ugh, you KNOW I don't speak Spanish.
Candace: Stacy, we've got to get Mom up here so she can see what the boys are doing. Keep throwing food out the window!
Stacy: Okay...
Baljeet: (excited) YES!! This thing is definitely a thing! What is this thing?
The Re-tire-inator lands on Dr. Doofenshmirtz's good foot
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ow! Oh, my good foot! Ow! Oh, my bad foot! Oh, my good foot again! Now my bad foot! Ow, this is really a vicious cycle!

Finding Mary McGuffin

Lawrence: Oh, I see you like that little Mary McGuffin doll. Well, that will be, oh, 50 cents?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I'll give you a dollar!
Candace: Dad! Dad! Wait! Dad, is that the box from my room?

Lawrence: Why, yes. Um-
Candace: I think I put my Mary McGuffin doll in there by mistake. Have you seen her?
Lawrence: I just sold her for a whole dollar. Here, you can have it.
Candace: AAAAAAAH!
Lawrence: How about two dollars?

Candace: (sobs)
Vanessa: Dad, what are you doing here? This isn't your weekend.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Yes, yes I know, but I have a surprise for you and I just couldn't wait!
Vanessa: (excited) A surprise? Really?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Yes, it's something you've always wanted. Something you've asked for time and time again. In my hand, I hold the key to...
Vanessa: ... My new car!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (holds up Mary McGuffin doll) No, your happiness!
Carl: Sir, Agent P is here.

Major Monogram: I can see that, Carl. Now, get back in that corner until I say you can get up. There's still 15 minutes left on the clock.

Carl: (sadly) OK, Sir.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Remember how you said if I got you a little Mary McGuffin doll, I'd be the world's greatest dad?
Vanessa: Yeah, when I was like seven.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You know, I may be an evil scientist, but it doesn't take a degree purchased from the internet with your ex-wife's money to know how special and important you are to me!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, I'd better run. I bought a used "inator" today at a garage sale and it's missing one small part.

Vanessa: Really, what does it do?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I don't know yet, it's missing a part. But whatever it is, I'm sure it will be pure evil!
Phineas: Piece of cake.

Pause. Ferb hands him a piece of cake.

Phineas: Ooh, chocolate! Thanks, Ferb.
Doofenshmirtz: Time to find out what this bad boy can do! Flicks switch on On!

Lid of Perry's cage opens and Perry climbs out and stands beside Doofenshmirtz
Doofenshmirtz:flicking the switch in time with what he says On! Off! On! Off! On! Urgh! I'm hearing a clanking noise so i know it's doing SOMETHING! Off! On! Turns and sees Perry standing out the cage and the lid flipping up and down
Perry folds his arms and glares

Doofenshmirtz:Continues flipping switch at a slower rate Oh the -inator and the cage...they' just opens...and closes the... Sighs and stops flipping switch Well I guess that's why I got the cage for free...
Phineas: The sun beat down on the city like a hammer, a relentless hot beating hammer hammering down like a big metaphor that was... hot, for some reason.
Candace:(Interrupting Phineas) Stop with the narration and start finding my doll!
Phineas: For an average Joe, he gave us an above-average clue. Our next step was clear.

Lawrence: Who is he talking to?

Candace: Ugh. Don't get me started.
Vanessa : Wait! Sam, I want to recant a portion of my mother's charitable donation!
Charlene: Are you with the census?
Phineas: No, ma'am, today we're detectives.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, man, how many different kinds of on/off switches can there be? I mean, look at this. An octagon? And one shaped like the Statue of Liberty? That doesn't even make sense. Oh, and here's one. The exact same size and shape that I'm looking for except it's upside-down. I mean, the words are actually printed upside-down. What kind of a dummkopf would invent an upside-down... switch...that... (Pauses, sighs, and flips the switch so that it's right-side-up.) I did it!
Candace: Oh, forget it. I guess I'm too old for dolls anyway.

Vanessa: Yeah, maybe I don't really have to have the one object my dad spent years to find in order to show me his affection.
Pause. Candace stares at Vanessa uncomfortably.

Vanessa: No, actually I do. Give me that, kid!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (talking to Vanessa on the phone) So you just took it from the little girl and left her there crying? Wow, that is evil! Honey, I am so proud of you! It felt good didn't it? Yeah, we can build on this.

Picture This

Lawrence: Dear, are you aware the boys have turned the entire garage upside down looking for Ferb's skateboard?
Linda: (not understanding that her husband means it literally) As long as they clean up after!
Lawrence: Oh, just a minute. Does that skateboard have a Union Jack on the bottom?

Phineas: That's the one!
Lawrence: Turn the thing right-side up and come in the house; I believe I've solved your mystery.
Phineas: You heard him, Ferb. Let's turn it over. So whaddya got, Pop?

Lawrence: Take a gander at what a certain old geezer posted on his blog. (pictures flash on the computer screen of Reginald Fletcher riding on Ferb's skateboard and falling over)
Phineas: Ferb, you must have left your skateboard in England the last time we were there. I know! We could create a highly intricate and sophisticated machine that will transport any object from anywhere on the globe to our backyard!

Lawrence: Well, why don't you just build a new skateboard?
awkward silence
Phineas: Nah, I don't think so.

Ferb: If it's all the same with you, Father, we're going to build the machine.
Phineas: Oops! (inserts another picture and presses button) I forgot to install the Fly Filter. Better try that again...

(Buford and the fly get separated)

Phineas: Sorry, Buford. Are you all right?

Buford: I had a weird craving for something stinky.
Buford: Teddy Boo-Boo! Where have you been?! You bad bear! I bet you've been on the road again, haven't you? Well, you're grounded, Mister! Oh, I love you!
Candace: What do I do, Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro? Every time I try to show my mom something it always disappears. What do you think I should do?

Vivian: Eat! You're too thin! Have a matza burrito.

Candace: Er, thanks.
Candace: Wait a minute! The photo transporter! All I have to do is put my mom's photo in the machine, then she'll be transported right to the boys, right?


Mexican-Jewish photographer: Yes?
Phineas: I'm tasting the clouds!

Isabella: I'm feeling the ozone!

Buford: I'm drying my pits!
Phineas: Has everyone get a chance to use the machine?

Buford: Yeah, I found my teddy bear!
Isabella: I found my missing Mindy doll!
Baljeet: And I found my missing Uncle Maulik!
Maulik: Baljeet, I was just on vacation.
Baljeet: Oh, were you having a good time?

Maulik: I was.
Buford: Nerd ain't no piñata!

Nerdy Dancin'

Jeremy: (After watching Ferb's dancing) There's no way I'm going to be able to learn that by tonight.
Doofenshmirtz:Um, I think we made too much potato salad, Norm. I guess we'll have to give everyone a 2-ton take-home container. And I still think you should have added more green onions.

Norm: Well next time you can do all the cooking and I'll stand around coming up with evil plans that ultimately fail.
Awkward silence, stares at Norm

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Wow. Cuttin deep, man.
Dr. Bloodpudding : Alright Heinz, where's the press?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Patience Dr. Bloodpudding, they'll be here. When have I ever let you guys down?
Rodney: Far too often Doofenshmirtz, far too often.
Doofenshmirtz: Rodney, I don't remember inviting you.
Rodney: I told you, I prefer you use my full name: Aloyse von Everheart Elizabeth Otto Wolfgang Hypatia Gunther Galen Gary Cooper von Roddenstein
Doofenshmirtz: Anyway, today is the day we reveal to the Tri-State Area the existence of the "League Of Villainous Evildoers Maniacally United For Frightening Investments in Naughtiness!"

Dr. Bloodpudding : You want us to be called LOVEMUFFIN?
On the subject of the potato salad

Rodney: And we do seem to have a surplus of that. Did you expect everyone to lug home two-ton take home bags?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: No.
Norm: Yes.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Shut it, Norm. Whose side are you on, anyway?
Rodney: See this? It's my hand. You can talk to it.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: All right. Hey, hand. My evil dancing's better than yours. It's like you're stuck in a canoe but you've got no oars. See you on the dance floor!

Rodney: Nobody talks to my hand that way!
A bee starts buzzing around Ferb, who flails his arms to shoo it away. On stage, Jeremy does the same.

Random Guy: Oh man, that guy is awesome!
He starts copying the move. Soon, a section of the audience does the same.

Nikki Stars: Looks like somebody's a fan favorite.
Jeremy pulls out the electronic exoskeleton he was using during the show. Candace shrieks, and the audience gasp in horror.
Stacy: That's kind of disturbing.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: They should have called it "Let's All Dance Until We're In Intensive Care".

What Do It Do?

Linda: This song makes me want to be a popstar.

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah right, and I'm gonna rule the world.
Linda: Well, why not?
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, like I can do that.

Linda: Well, instead of the world, why not start small, like... the Tri-State Area?
Doofenshmirtz: Oddly enough, she did become a pop star and... I'm still struggling with the whole Tri-State Area thing, but the dream's still alive.
Phineas: Ask/bust us what?

Linda: Do you mind telling me what this is and why you built it in our front yard?
Phineas: Umm, we didn't build this, Mom.
Candace: Hah! Quick, bust 'em - wait, you didn't?

Phineas: Not that I'm aware of, no.
Doofenshmirtz: See, Perry the Platypus, my new jet rocket skiff has more hidden traps than... (Snaps fingers) Um, uh—What's something with a lot of hidden traps? Huh, wow, I felt so confident going into that sentence.
Doofenshmirtz: You know, Perry the Platypus, I just...a golf course! A golf course has lots of traps! That's what I should have said.
Perry and Doofenshmirtz are flying over Paris.
Doofenshmirtz: "PIERRE! (Hides and laughs) Did anyone look? I bet, like, half the people down there were looking around like: (French accent) "Who called my name?" (Laughs)
Phineas: Wow, two anti-romance rockets falling in love...
Buford: That's what I call ironing.
Linda: There. Tell me that's not terrifying!

(Candace dances while singing repeatedly "It's a busting feeding frenzy, stay outta the water!")

Lawrence: I'm so sorry I doubted you.
Candace: (dances while singing) It's a busting feeding frenzy, stay outta the water! It's a busting feeding frenzy, stay outta the water! It's a busting feeding frenzy, stay outta the water!

Linda: Wait...But...Candace, where did that thing go?
Candace: Going down down down at the busting feeding frenzy, stay outta the wa-taa! Hmmm. I don't know! But, Mom, you and Dad hafta come to the backyard with me right now and see what the boys are --
(The two robots fly across the sky leaving a heart-shaped mark of smoke and it disappears. Candace looks up and Linda looks up.)

Ugh, never mind.


Candace: Ah, a nice relaxing day on the beach. Nothing but the waves, the sun and peace and quiet.

Baljeet: Buford drank all the sunscreen.
Buford: Coconut is my favorite flavor.
Isabella: Who wants to play volleyball?

Candace: I spoke too soon.
Carl: (imitating Major Monogram) Ah, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been buying up seedlings for the past few weeks, and now he's up and about in his blimp. This could be--

Major Monogram: (clearing throat) Carl?
Carl: (normal voice) Oh, hi, sir.
Major Monogram: Are those my old moustace clippings?

Carl: Some of them.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Perry the Platypus. You landed in my fertilizer trap. Look at you. You've "potting soiled" yourself.
Irving: Wow! Is that the Titanic over there?

Isabella: Look! It's Amelia Earhart!
Baljeet: Ah, the tomb of Poseidon.

Phineas: Focus, guys. We're looking for Atlantis, remember?
Baljeet to Buford: Why is the water always so warm next to you?
Isabella: Seahorses!

Baljeet: You can get your Underwater Equestrian Patch!
Isabella: Um, that was a joke. They're way too small to ride.

Buford: Not if you scoop up a whole bunch of them like this! Yee Haw!
Phineas: Look at this! It's a doorway with ancient runes telling us how to open it.

Buford: Forget that! Step aside!
(he punches the doorway, thus causing it to split in two and open up)

Phineas: Or that.
Baljeet: We are so privileged to be in this strange and beautiful place. To think that the greatest minds in history have been searching for Atlantis for thousands of years.
Buford: Those guys are punks.
Doofenshmirtz: You see, Perry the Platypus? Your efforts to stop me have been fruitless. Fruitless? You like that? That's a good one. Next time you'll "leaf" me alone! Yes, Perry the Platypus, I sure can be a fun(g) guy. Get it? Fungi? Plural of fungus? Eheheh... Yeah...

Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation!

Candace: Again, let's assume there is a Santa Claus. He's got it easy. The hard part is trying to figure out what to get people when they don't write you a letter telling you exactly what they want most. And by people; I mean Jeremy, And by you; I mean me. And.. uh... No, the rest is pretty much literal.
Phineas: You know Ferb, just think of all of the wonderful things Santa does for us. And he never asks for anything in return. Wait, that's it! Ferb, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

(Ferb hands Phineas a blueprint)
Phineas: As usual, we're— OH! AH! Man, no! That's not at all what I was thinking! Oh, Dude!
(Ferb flips blueprint right side up)

Phineas: Oh, yeah. That's it!
Frosty: Hello! Winter time's fun! Follow me! Come on, follow me! (walks away)
Frosty: Plow! (screams and loud crash, carrot rolls to Perry)
Major Monogram: Carl! Stop filming your butt!

(Carl points camera at Monogram's rear)

Major Monogram: Film mine! It's a party! Wahoo!
Buford: Cool clubhouse.

Phineas: Oh, no. This is not how you would say a "clubhouse". This is the ultimate rest and relaxation lounge, perfectly tailored to the jolly, rubenesque world traveler. (Awkward pause) It's a rest stop for Santa.
Isabella: Oh, I see.

Baljeet Tjinder: Oh, why did you not just say that?
Phineas: Remember when you wrote letters to Santa asking for presents?

Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet: Yes.

Candace: (in distance) BWAH HA HA HA HA! LETTERS TO SANTA!?! AH HA HA!!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What sort of plan is that, anyway? 'Let's go over to a stranger's house and, in song form, refuse to leave unless he hands over a food dish no one's prepared since the 16th century! Well, if that's how things are, I have my reasons to push this button. So long, Christmas, you're Feliz Navi-dead to me! (Pushes button) (chuckles) See? Uh, it was Spanish'
(Out in space the satellite reads the naughty and sends it to the North Pole)

Blay'n: What do we have here? Oh! Tsk! Tsk!
Clewn't: Oh Blay'n. Oop! What do you have there?
Blay'n: Oh just a bunch of last minute naughties. It's a shame, huh Clewn't?
Clewn't: Kids! They get worse every year. Ungrateful little... I'll go sit in the dark and mutter to myself.

Burdensome elf: He wasn't always that way. In fact, he used to love kids. In fact, he used to be where the action is. Toy making. In fact, he was the fastest, best toymaker of them all. In fact, they used to call him "Clewn't, the fastest, best toymaker of them all." Though they just called him "Clewn't" for short, which also happens to be his name so the nickname thing was a kind of a moot point. In fact... (The camera zooms out to see Blay'n gone) "Just go up and talk to the first person you see. That's how you make friends." I'm never going to another seminar.
After Doofenshirtz fires the Naughty-inator and the skies turn grey, Candace notices and points it out to Phineas and Ferb.

Phineas: Whoa. Is it me, or does the sky look really dark and ominous, as if it's foreshadowing events which will have a negative impact on our lives?

Phineas and Ferb glance at the camera before mail trucks roar in.
Isabella: So, what? Are you just going to stay here for the rest of your life?

Phineas: Why not?
(scene zooms out, showing Phineas, Isabella, Ferb, Buford, and Baljeet in a mattress store)

Isabella: Well, for one, the mall closes in twenty minutes.
Baljeet: All I want is one sweet, special Christmas kiss under the mistletoe.

Buford: (slides off bed) I'm outta here.

Baljeet: Not from you, from a pretty girl! Do not flatter yourself!
Josh: (after finishing their carol) Come on, guy! Let's do: "But it's Christmas, Becky!"
Becky: You've GOTTA get over me, Josh!
(the kids have just finished performing Danville for Niceness)

Isabella: What do you think the chances are someone at the North Pole saw it?
(Blay'n and Clewn't walk over)
Blay'n: Alo-alo-alo!

Phineas: I'd say pretty good.
Candace: (looking at Blay'n and Clewn't) You've got to be kidding me.
Phineas: What about you, Isabella? Isn't there some big Christmas wish that you're afraid will never come true?
Isabella: (excited) Oh, um... We don't celebrate Christmas, but I got the coolest gifts for Hanukkah! Eight straight days of dreams come true! (pauses, realizing her mistake) I mean, I'm with you guys. Boo, no Christmas.
Carolers: ♪♪ We won't go until we get some, we won't go until we get some, we won't go until we get some, it's the principle of the thing♪♪

Doofenshmirtz: Uh... hey, guys... look, don't hate me, but I went into the kitchen to get some almond brittle —love it!— and lo and behold, it turns out I did have figgy pudding... quite a bit, actually. I guess this whole thing was pretty easily resolved. I feel kind of sheepish about making such big deal, anyway... Here— figgy pudding! (hands to the carolers)

Caroler: C'mon guys, our work here is done.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I get it, a taste of my own medicine, right?. Oh and the bird. It doesn't even work! And a partridge on an evil scientist! See, there's no play on words! You—you're not clever! (After Agent P leaves) Oh, I hate Christmas. Yes, I hate Christmas! Woohoo! This is the best Christmas ever!

Candace: Ah! Jeremy! I was just coming to see you.
Jeremy: Hey Candace. I don't know what that was all about before. But I wanted to give you your present.
Candace: Gasp! The earrings I wanted. Jeremy how did you know?
Jeremy: I remember you loved them in that magazine. And you were even gonna have your good necklace made into a pair like them.
Candace: That's so sweet. How did you afford these?
Jeremy: I sold my electric.
Candace: Oh Jeremy. You were gonna trade that in for that cool new silver one.
Jeremy: You knew that?
Candace: I guess I know you as well as you know me, my bowl full of jelly.
Here's your gift.
Jeremy: The silver guitar! But how?
Candace: I sold my good necklace.
Candace/Jeremy: It's perfect.
Jeremy: Merry Christmas.
Candace: Merry Christmas.

(Jeremy and Candace hug)
After Perry makes another Frosty come alive

Frosty: Hello! Winter time's fun! Follow me!
Frosty walks off and Perry winces and waves his hands in warning before Frosty yells Plow! Then there is a scream and loud crash, carrot rolls to Perry; scene flips to the middle of the street, showing Frosty standing next to a truck driver whose truck just ran over a vegetable cart
Frosty: You know, on second thought, don't follow me. Man, that was close.

Episode ends.

Just Passing Through

Candace: (referring to steamrollers) People and their silly trends. Hey, Mom, can I get a pink streak in my hair?

Linda: Why would you want to do that?

Candace: To express my individuality! Everybody's doing it.
Linda: I hate the idea of someone cutting a hole in my nice wall.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, no, Roger, it is I who will be serving you. (closes his car door, but it opens again. He closes it a second time and the same results occur. This happens a third time, before he gives an annoyed facial expression to the audience) OK, push up and... (successfully closes his car door, then hears the engine idling) Those are my keys, aren't they?

Man: (speaks)
Doofenshmirtz: No, I don't have my card.
Man: (speaks)

Doofenshmirtz: Yes, the keys are still in there, and it's running. (the engine stops idling) OK, now it's not running. Now, I need gas!
(Perry sees the bobble-head version of himself and gives Doofenshmirtz a look)
Doofenshmirtz: I-it's an arts-and-crafts project! I have a life outside of you.
Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Bobble-head!
Baljeet: AAH!! You can build a roller coaster in a day, but it takes you twelve minutes to pump up a tire?!

(the orb presses against Baljeet, causing the entire gang to be able to avoid being run over by the incoming steamroller) Did anyone else just see the inside of a steamroller?
Buford: How do you know what the inside of a steamroller looks like?

Baljeet: I have a life outside of you.
Linda: And just because I won't let you get pink hair, you don't have to wear some weird door. The trends these days.
Buford: I'd wear a door! Heck, I'd even wear a window if it fit!
Phineas: Well, Ferb. Looks like everything worked out for everyone today.
Doofenshmirtz: I can't believe nothing worked out for me today.
Orville Wilkins: Hey, look at that! A pumpless pumptrolly!
Wilbur Wilkins: Now that's old school.

Candace's Big Day

Phineas: Where are you going next?

Tiana: The Galapagos. We leave tomorrow.
Bob: You know, we've been on so many trips together— this time, I want to go with someone else.
The group lets out a gasp
Bob: My wife. (Pulls out a ring) Tiana, will you marry me?
Tiana: Okay!

Phineas: Wow. Corny. But apparently effective!
Candace: They're going to build some sort of wedding rocket to the moon! Or a Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Taffeta!

Aunt Tiana: Well, you steer the boys in the right direction. And have fun, okay?
Bob: Okay!

Phineas: "Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Taffeta"... make a note of that.
Major Monogram: This has Doofenshmirtz written all over it. (a picture of Doofenshmirtz, signed many times, appears on the screen) We have no idea why he signed it that many times.
Phineas: Referring to Candace Wow, she's good. I've got to have her plan my wedding. Ferb, make a note.

Isabella: I got it!

Candace: Why would I want my cake in a vase? Oh, you're the florist, not the baker.
Doofenshmirtz: (annoyed, waits for the elevator to stop on his floor, as it continues to stop on every individual floor. He finally gets to his floor and into his home, seeing Perry reading a magazine.) You could've at least gotten into your trap. It's on the table. Look, I appreciate you trying to mix it up, but I have a schedule to keep. Ready? Behold: The Junk-Food-Inator! It uses high-fructose corn syrup and highly carbonated coconut oil to turn any kind of vegetables into toasty, warm junk food! And I will be the only one left eating decent, healthy foods, like these delicious broccolis. (eats broccoli) The only problem is, I'm not quite used to the taste. I'm used to eating the-the junk. (dips broccoli into containers) I'll just dip it in here. (eats) Oh, this is much better! I could eat this all day! I can feel myself getting healthier!
Linda's phone rings, she picks it up. Candace, on the other end, is screaming hysterically. Linda hangs up and turns to Tiana.

Linda: So, are you and Bob thinking of having kids?

Candace: Look at this cake! It has a chicken in it!

Tiana: Oh!
Candace: And my hair! I think it may also have a chicken in it.

Tiana: Oh my!
Perry chatters then Doofenshmirtz wakes up.

Doofenshmirtz: Wait, what, who am I? Oh, it's me! Perry the Platypus, how did you free yourself?
(Perry ties himself back up and sucks in his stomach, revealing his "buff" body, causing him to slip out)

Doofenshmirtz: Wow. But, now, it's time for you to put up your dukes, because--(stomach gurgles) Uh, hold on one second. (rushes to bathroom, flushes toilet, comes out) Alright, now, let's get--(stomach gurgles) Uh, could you just wait one... (returns to bathroom) You know what, Perry the Platypus, you can just let yourself out. I may be a while.
Linda: Candace, where's the justice of the peace? (Awkward silence)

Candace: Aw, nuts! Ugh, just gimme a minute!

I Was a Middle Aged Robot

Candace: How many times have I told you to keep Perry out of my way while I'm balancing eggs on a spoon?

Phineas: Um... never?

Candace: Well, I would have thought it would be understood.
Candace: Dad, those trophies are lame. Last place? Nice try?

Lawrence: Oh, come on! What about this one? First place--
Candace: It means "loser," Dad.
Lawrence: Well, that's not very nice, is it? But look on the bright side, Candace! This year we might take home one just like this! (holds three fingers to forehead) Ta-da! (waves fingers)
Candace: Third place?

Lawrence: No, winner! It's a W!
Lawrence: Ooh, I get the feeling I wasn't supposed to have seen that...
Major Monogram: Wait a minute. You anticipated a specific situation like this?

Carl: Yep.
Major Monogram: Wow. That's a little creepy, Carl.

Carl: Yes, Yes it Is.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: And by inopportune, I mean completely opportune!
Doofenshmirtz: But don't you want to know why I want to destroy the adult's diaper factory? There's a terrific back-story! (pause) You know, this is going to be a back-story too, someday!
Phineas: Ladies and girls, I give you... the Pep Squad Mobile!
Fireside Girls: Go Candace!
Major Monogram: Uh, is that all he can say?

Carl: The kit originally came with one default phrase.
Lawrence robot: Lovely windmill, isn't it?

Carl: Oh, those kooky Dutch!
Phineas: Excuse me, sir, could you stand up and sit right back down?

Man: I... suppose. (does what is asked; the crowd does the wave)

Phineas: Hey, we started a wave!
Carl: (shaking Perry's hand) Nice work, Agent—

Balthazar: Aah!
(Balthazar drops his ice cream)

Carl: Our cover's blown! We've gotta move— go go go go!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (quickly) Curse you Perry the Platypus even though you weren't involved in this scheme whatsoever!
Balthazar: (pointing at Perry) Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?
Major Monogram: Carl, we've gotta fire up the memory eraser again!

Suddenly Suzy

Candace: (talking to her Jeremy statue) It's you! (picks up phone) Hello, Jeremy!

Jeremy: Hi, Candace. I was wondering if you could do me a favor?
Candace: (dreamily) Yeah...
Jeremy: Listen, I got called into work and my parents aren't home... do you think you could look after Suzy for a few hours?
Candace: (dreamily) Yeah...
Jeremy: I'll be right over. Thanks!

Candace: Yeah... huh? Oh! Wait, what did you say? Jeremy? No Jeremy!
Major Monogram: Agent P, we're getting very suspicious about Doofenshmirtz. He hasn't ordered any bulk items off the Internet lately. Get over there, and put a start to it!
Major Monogram: Carl, you disgust and fascinate me.
Phineas: What's that grinding sound?

Buford: Tuff Gum! Like the song says...
Pound nerds like a drum,
Stop a train with your thumb,
It's Tuff Gum!
Phineas: Wow. Can I have some?
Buford: Nah, I don't think so. It's for bullies only.
Phineas: (to Ferb) You got any regular gum? (Ferb pulls out a stick of gum and hands it to Phineas)
Male Singer: Regular Gum!
Phineas: All right everyone, Ferb and I built a giant waterfall ride and we want to do a test run. Who's in?
Isabella and Buford: Me!
Baljeet: Can I go?

Buford: Well just be careful, 'cause I worry about you.
Doofenshmirtz: (referring to carbon paper) I always thought that was going to come back. Shame.
Suzy: So, Candace, are you ready to have some fun?

Candace: N-n-n-no. I'm good. I hate fun.
Suzy: (threateningly) I've got a little game we can play!
Candace: G-g-g-game?
Suzy: It's called making...
Candace: M-m-making?
Suzy: Paper...
Candace: P-p-p-paper?
Suzy: (sweetly) Dolls!

Candace: (scared) PAPER DOLLS?! Huh?
Suzy: Oh, no. Making you look bad is one of the ways I control Jeremy. When he's not here, I'm off the clock.
Candace: I have so much to learn.
Buford: Tough guys don't drop stuff. TUFF GUM!
Linda: Phineas? You sound just like Candace. I mean, you sound like you but the things you're saying sound...

Phineas: Hurry up, you gotta see it.

Linda: All right, all right! Just as soon I find the right sprinkler part.(hangs up cell phone) I curse the day these things were invented.
Isabella: Better eighty-six the gum. It's a choking hazard.
Buford: Oh, all right. (pulls gum out of mouth and sticks it on faucet) But I'll be back for that bad boy!
Mr. Banana Manager: Congratulations, you are now an official driver for the Mr. Banana company. (Perry drives off) Man, that is so funny. I literally just wrote a song about a platypus driving a banana truck...(looks around) Hmm? Hmm? Wait! My demo!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Okay, see, this is why I hate nature. It always gets stuck to the bottom of your foot.
Farmer's Wife: I can't believe it. You walk away from a profitable miniature golf course franchise to open up a spring water bottling plant in the middle of downtown. What, did you expect a mountain spring to just fall out of the sky?

Phineas and Ferb's replica of Niagara Falls falls behind the shop

Farmer: You've never believed in me.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Okay, we'll try this again. Blah, blah, blah, carbon footprint!
Candace: Don't you have anything to say?
Suzy: Results may vary?

Undercover Carl

Candace: It's a universal law, just like no wearing white after Labor Day.
Norm: Why must I be alone?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I dunno, why are raspberry icicle pops blue?
Carl: But wait listen to this. It's a seemingly innocent voice recording of Phineas.

Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today.
Carl: But if you play all those syllables backwards in a random order you get.

Phineas: (Barely coherent) Let's help Doofenshmirtz destroy the Tri-State Area.
Carl: So who is Agent G, sir?
Major Monogram: Gary the Gander? Oh, that's just a wild goose chase!
Carl: So, I hear that you're the math genius behind the operation.

Baljeet: Oh, no-no-no-no. Phineas and Ferb's blueprint was already brilliant. I made a minor modification.

Carl: Interesting.
Talk Show Host: Hey, buddy, you forgot your pixelation!
Major Monogram: Carl! Carl! Oh no, they must be torturing that poor kid. Don't worry little unpaid intern, help is on the way!
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, motor vehicle code!
Major Monogram: What the— Agent G? On an extended vacation, hmm? Well, Agent P deserves a vacation more than you do. He deserves one but evil never rests SO we'll see you tomorrow, Agent P!

(Monogram salutes, but Perry keeps staring at him without doing anything)
Well, this is getting awkward.

Carl, my arm is getting tired and he won't salute back.

Hip Hip Parade

Phineas: I know what we're going to do instead!
Buford: The blood of Otto H. Adjacent runs through these veins, and blood is thicker than water.

Baljeet: Well mango chutney is thicker than blood.

Farmer's Wife: I can't believe you started a monkey basketball team, and only bought one monkey.

Doofenshmirtz hits the monkey with the duplic-8-inator

Farmer's Wife: Great, now three of them are going to have to sit on the bench.
Doofenshmirtz falls on the Perry balloon of the parade

Doofenshmirtz: A platypus balloon?
The balloon hits a sign and the fedora from the sign falls on the balloon's head

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: A Perry the Platypus balloon?!
Dr. Doofenshmritz: You know this balloon is actually- The balloon deflates Ahhhh! CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS BALLOON!
Baljeet: Thank you!
Balloon Man: No. Thank YOU, vegetable samosa.
Pharaoh Guy: Excuse me, are you Candace Gertrude Flynn?

Candace: Yes.
Pharaoh Guy: Curse you. (walks away)

Linda: I tried to warn you, honey.

Invasion of the Ferb Snatchers

Amanda: Doctor, your head is attached! You're human again!
Dr. Abanathy: Yes, and once Dr. Zachary returns from heading in to those dark, ominous woods alone, with his not fully charged flashlight, you will be too... Amanda.
Candace: Oh, how cute. Ferb's torso is so tiny.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hello, you must be here about the ad. Well, come on in, it's right over here. Behold, the Wrapped-Up-In-A-Nice-Little-Bow-Inator!

(Perry blinks)

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I bet you're wondering what it does.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz:... and you can also use it to hang your clothes on. Just like a treadmill! So, although the offer said 'firm', I am flexible, so... make me an offer!

(Perry blinks)

Doofenshmirtz: Wow! You're a good negotiator... Okay, half price.
Candace: I stalked "Ferb" all day!
Phineas: Мy brother's an alien? How cool is that!
Linda: (poking a cooked chicken) Go. Go. You're free, little skinned bird.

Candace: Mom?

Linda: Oh! Candace, you scared the bejabbers out of me.
Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the —! (spits out a chair) ...Why did I ever order such a large bedroom set?

Ain't No Kiddie Ride

Linda: I want you to pick up some nice back-to-school clothes. they walk into the store and come right back out

Wow. That was fast.
Phineas: Well, we do have a signature look.
Phineas pulls out Ferb's outfit from his bag and Ferb pulls out Phineas's. They look at each other and switch outfits
Although Perry's mixing it up a bit.

Perry's seen wearing a scarf and chatters
Phineas: (Referring to kiddie ride) You know in retrospect I may have over-romanticized those memories. But I'll bet, with a little effort and some unstable uranium isotopes, we can make them that much fun!
Major Monogram: I don't smell too bad, do I?

Carl: I can't smell a thing.
Major Monogram: Well, that's a relief. I thought maybe I was—
Carl: No, I can't smell a thing, sir, I have no sense of smell.
Major Monogram: Really?
Carl: I was born without nostrils, sir.

Major Monogram: Oh. I thought you were joking about that on your resumé.
Major Monogram: Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been buying up every can of aerosol deodorant in the Tri-State Area, and I'm starting to smell like a science-fiction convention.
Doofenshmirtz: I just called in a to-go order for Doofenshmirtz.

Diner Worker: Hey Vic! You got an order for Doofieberg?
Doofenshmirtz: No, no, no, Doofenshmirtz! Heinz Doofenshmirtz! Surely you've heard of me?
Diner Worker: OK, order for Hans Doofen...smith? Is that right?
Doofenshmirtz: No, Doofenshmirtz! Doofen-- m-my brother's the mayor.
Diner Worker: Roger Doofenshmirtz is your brother?
Doofenshmirtz: Yes. Doofenshmirtz.
Diner Worker: And your name is...?
Doofenshmirtz: Heinz Doofenshmirtz.
Diner Worker: Do we have an order for a Hans Doofenblatz?
Doofenshmirtz: Grr! Mark my words, you will remember the name of Heinz Doofenshmirtz! (storms out door, then peeks head back in) Could I still get my whole wheat on rye?

Diner Worker: Sure. What's your name?
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, how predictable. And by 'predictable', I mean completely... um... dictable, I guess.
Doofenshmirtz: I need a little drink of water after a tirade like that.
Candace: Ah, GlossTacular lipstick. Now I can blow up a bounce house and my lips would still be shiny!
Phineas: Isabella, we need you to get us an aerial view!
Isabella: Sure, Phineas! (soars upward) Whee!
Baljeet: Oh, my friends. I seem to have run out of fuel.

Phineas: No, you're not, Baljeet. Just put in another quarter!

Baljeet: But, all I have is a dollar! (notices that the machine also accepts dollar bills) Oh, what do you know? (he places the bill through the slot, but it comes back out. He does this two more times before rubbing it on his handlebars to smooth out the wrinkles, then puts it back in the slot, but comes back out again. He does this a fifth time, but the bill stays in the slot for a few seconds) Hm. (the bill comes back out again) Ugh, Come on!
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, water. It's like drinking wet air.
Isabella: Wow! She just flew through a barn and her lips are still shiny!
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, hey! I'm gonna crush you with my big mechanical hand!
Doofenshmirtz: ...but I've got you now! (Candace flies through, destroying his mechanical hand) Wow. Nostradamus was right.
(1st Version) Doofenshmirtz: Oh nice... nice one. Catch the villain in his own trap. That's not ironic Perry the platypus, it''s cliché, that's what it is. It's just plain lazy on your part.
(2nd Version) Doofenshmirtz: Ow! You know, I don't come to your house and--Wait, these don't have any chlorofluorocarbons in them at all. These aerosol cans are completley harmless! Wh-what was I thinking?!
Phineas: Well, that was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can soup up our old bikes.

Buford: Lame!
Phineas: That's what you said about the kiddie rides.

Buford: And I was right! Until I wasn't.

Not Phineas and Ferb

Lawrence: Hello boys, are you ready for your Space Thrills marathon?

Phineas: Dad, it's called Space Adventure. It's an adventure in space.
At the theater, a second later

Jingle Singer: Space adventure! It's an adventure in space!
Irving: Time for a makeover!

(Baljeet and Buford squeal like little girls)

Buford: A manly one, right?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (playing with his train set) Full steam ahead! Chug-a-chug-a chug-a-chug-a choo-choo! Oh hey there, is that the Doofenshmirtz choo-choo? NO IT'S NOT! (slams his fist on the table) You will all be late for your jobs and be fired. (laughs)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Look, even scale model litter! Shaaaaaameful.
Young Doofenshmirtz: Father, may I play with my trains now?
Doofenshmirtz's Father: Nein! (German for "No!")
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: The Shrink-inator ray is for the shrinking, the box is for holding the shrunken treasures, and the bicarbonate of soda is for my motion sickness.
Baljeet: Ah, we are ready. (he and Buford are both dressed as Phineas)

Irving: WHAT?! No! No no no, you can't BOTH be Phineas!
Baljeet: That is what I told him, but he would not listen.

Buford: (takes off his Phineas mask) But Phineas gets all the lines!
Albert: I thought you were pulling my leg, but this is remarkable!

Irving: Really? You're buying it?
Albert: What?

Irving: Nothing.
Baljeet: (Acting as Phineas) Hi, I think we know what we are doing today.
Buford: (Acting as Ferb) Hello, I'm from England and I don't talk much.
Albert: The simplicity of the design enhances its innovation.
Irving: Really? The simplicity of the design? Ok.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You know the saying: honk if you love evil!
Buford: I can't believe we tricked the untrickable.
Irving: I am at a loss for words, dude.
Irving: (with increasing irritation) So, your super-senses weren't tingling when - oh, I don't know - Ferb had eyes in his mouth?! Didn't that give you a moment of pause? A scintilla of doubt?!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (inside Perry's fedora) Hey, this place is nicer than my first apartment!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So, let me guess, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, we're gonna return all of the things I shrank, huh? (sighs) Even the Roman Small-oseum? Hey, I finally figured that one out, huh? (Perry punches himself on the head to make Doofenshmirtz stop talking) OW! CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!

Phineas and Ferb-Busters!

As he walks by a dismayed Candace

Buford: You've inspired me: I'm growing out my bangs.
As he too walks by

Baljeet: Namaste, compadres.
Isabella: Do you know how I earned this mountain-moving patch?

Candace: By mindlessly repeating a flawed busting strategy?

Isabella: No, through teamwork. See that mountain over there? It used to be over there. With a little teamwork, you can do anything.
Baljeet: It is called "spinning tops."

Buford: LAME!
Baljeet: Of DOOM!

Buford: Alright I'll give it a shot.
In reference to his newest machine.

Doofenshmirtz: It may be small, but it's stronger and smarter than Norm, and it's so much more efficient!

Norm: (in the bathroom, using a bubble-blower to blow single bubbles) Eight-hundred forty-seven... eight-hundred forty-eight...
Candace drags a Linda-dummy into the yard

Candace: Mom, mom! Phineas and Ferb have built outer space in our backyard!
A cardboard cutout of Ferb topples over
Phineas: Hey Candace. Nice "us"-es. When'd you make those?

Candace: (turning away with the dummy) Pay no attention to them, mom.
Norm: Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking.
Linda: Well, I've got a few seconds to kill before my bladder bursts like a water balloon.
Doofenshmirtz's Mecha: Doofenshmirtz. Your pathetic schemes have always failed. Now, step aside and let the true master take over.

Doofenshmirtz: *gasp* He CAN Talk!
The Mecha blasts him

Doofenshmirtz: And shoot too. AH! Save me! Save me, Perry the Platypus!
Doofenshmirtz's Mecha: Prepare to meet your maker, Maker!

Doofenshmirtz: (as the Mecha shoots at him) I'm feeling such an odd mixture of pride and mortal terror.
The Mecha extends his blender attachment as a weapon

Doofenshmirtz: Mostly terror! MOSTLY TERROR!
Norm: Don't you remember? I run on squirrel power!

Norm reveals a squirrel on his insides that is powering him.

Doofenshmirtz: Wow. I should really read your operation manual.
Jenny: I lied about the persimmon.
Linda: Oh.

Stacy and Jenny try to continue to explain to Linda at the same time, but struggle to do so
Stacy and Jenny: Giant spinning tops of doom!

Buford:off-screen LAME!

The Lizard Whisperer

Carl: Ouch, you totally got sniped.
Major Monogram: CARL!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: ...and I will become overlord of the Tri-State area!
Jeremy: Have you considered switching to decaf?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It's just, I'm used to doing all the talking with my nemesis. He's a platypus.

Jeremy: Hey! My friends have a pet platypus.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Is he fierce, cunning, and good with a grappling hook?
Perry: (thinks that his cover will be blown)

Jeremy: Oh, no. Their platypus doesn't do much.
Isabella: There's no way we can catch him. He moves too fast, maybe we should just give up?

Ferb: Give up?!? Give up?!? The day may come when we'll give up on fruitless searches after a mere eleven minutes, but that day is not today! The day may come when our favorite reptile may be lost from our memories and his enduring love of mushrooms forgotten, but that day is not today! Today we search! We will search for him in the streets, we will search for him in the trenches, we will search for him in the alleys and the mini-malls and the cul-de-sacs of this fair land. We'll search for him in the multilevel car parks and municipal recreational facilities. And we few. We happy few. We small band of brothers — and girl from across the street. We shall not cease 'til he is found! (crowd cheers)
Police Officer: We'll help you find your friend! What does he look like?
Phineas: He's an giant lizard about 40 feet tall!

Man: ...Oh. You could have mentioned that up front.
Phineas: Steve!

All the Steves: What!
Phineas: No, no. Not you, that Steve.
Steve: Steve is a giant monstrous dinosaur!
(all Steves run away)

Phineas: Hmm, I guess they don't like chameleons.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Platypus! (breaks the guitar.)

Jeremy: Um, do you want to pay by cash or check?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Maybe I could trade you for some evil lessons?

Jeremy: I'll take cash.
Major Monogram: You don't mind me going on about this, do you?.
Jeremy: Hey man, I charge by the hour, so knock yourself out.

Robot Rodeo

Baljeet: What's a rodeo clown?

Buford: Someone who keeps the bulls from knocking you over like this...
Buford knocks Baljeet over

Baljeet: I can see how that would be useful.
Candace: I must repress my basic urges to bust.

Stacy: Repressing basic urges to bust is pretty responsible, isn't it?
Candace: Is it ever! Just look at my Mom!

Linda: (in the kitchen, staring at a cake) Cake is a sometimes food; cake is a sometimes food!
Linda: Candace, we've been walking forever! Where is the backyard?

Candace: Hmm (sniffs) That way! I can smell Phineas and Ferb!
Dr. Hirano: And what exactly do they smell like?

Candace: Motor oil and competence!
Doofenshmirtz: By default! My favorite way to win!
Doofenshmirtz: I'm gonna call you Balloony II.
Female singer: And now she's gonna tell you how... Izzy Got the Frizzies!
Isabella: It's because of the humidity.

The Beak

Phineas: Here it is. The Phineas-and-Ferb-edge-of-insanity-kiss-your-butt-goodbye-gravity's-a-stone-cold-sucker-nightmare-rail-skate-track-obstacle-course of doom!
Phineas: You know, it occurs to me we could get hurt. I suppose the "of doom" in the name should have tipped us off.
Phineas: Well, we decided we still need to make a few tweaks and adjustments so we can you know, survive and stuff.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: And remember, Doof you, Doof me, Doof us! I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz and I approve this evil message.
Phineas: We have to blur the line between skateboard and skateboarder. We can combine dirt biking, ATV racing, in-line skating, street luge, motorized scooters, and Bulgarian folk dancing. Of course, all this extreme fun requires extreme safety: shoulder pads, goggles, gloves, Bulgarian folk athletic supporters, and rocket boosters, razor wire, grappling hooks, and laser blaster. Then we lock it all together with an indestructible titanium exoskeleton that increases strength, jumping ability, and other physical attributes 100 times, including the senses and folk dancing ability. (Record scratches as Ferb looks at Phineas suspiciously.) What, you think we should have more Bulgarian-folk-related elements? (Ferb rolls his eyes and strengthens the intensity of the glare.) Oh, less! Less Bulgar— okay. Wow, I thought we were on the same page, but no, it's cool. Whatever.
Buford: Help, my nerd is stuck in a tree! (makes clicking noises) Look, it's your favorite calculator, and some math problems!
Baljeet: Oh, fractions?
Baljeet: Ahh! This is so much worse than hitting the ground!
Candace: It's always, "Candace, I'm shopping." "Candace, I'm having root canal surgery." "Candace, I'm deliberating with a sequestered jury. How'd you even get in here?" Then by- Oh, look, a flying man. Wait a second! Isn't that impossible? Wait another second! Something impossible plus that thing existing in real life equals (gasp) Phineas and Ferb!
Phineas: The suit makes cleanup fast, fun, and 'ficient!
Phineas: A superhero? That's not at all what we planned to do today.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz talking to his brother in the phone.
Doofenshmirtz: Me? In charge? You're kidding? You're not kidding?
Phineas: (as the Beak) We can't tell Isabella were the Beak right now, that will put her in danger. The life of a superhero is a lonely one, Ferb. Only merely after eleven minutes.
Stacy: Are you sure that Phineas and Ferb are the Beak? He's just so heroic and hunky?
Candace: Ah! Barf-aroni with cheese. Stacy, please!
Stacy: And where exactly do I fit into all of this?

Candace: You can be my henchman.
Stacy: Your what?

Candace: It's like the bridesmaid of crime.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz reading a note of his brother, Roger.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Bro, Thanks for filling in for me! You gonna make a "great" Fall Guy I mean, Mayor. Ah, That's so sweet.
Phineas: There, you can't even tell we built our secret lair up in the tree!

Isabella runs up to them.
Isabella: Hi Guys!
Phineas: Nothing! I mean, hi Isabella. We're not doing... Nothing!

Ferb gives Phineas a sarcastic thumbs up.
Stacy: Then what does the Dangerbil do?

Candace: I told you, you're my henchman. Hench or something.

Stacy: Oh, no. You did not just tell me to hench.
Candace: C'mon, tell the truth! You guys are making me look ridiculous here.

Linda: WAY too easy.
Stacy as the Dangerbil walks by.

Stacy: I lost your bike.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, as much as I hate joining forces with good, I have to take my responsibilities as mayor very seriously if I plan to abuse the position later.
Khaka Peü Peü: Miss Garcia-Shapiro, I've got your next headline. "Everybody's Day Ruined Once And For All And The Beak Powerless To Save It!"
Isabella: Um, it's a little wordy for a headline.
Isabella: Oh no, this is terrible! I'm so glad you're here with me, Phineas. Come on, we can cover the action better from the top of City Hall. Phineas?

Phineas: I'm sorry, Isabella, we can't go with you.
Isabella: You're gonna leave me again?
Phineas: You're gonna have to trust me. Have I ever let you down?
Isabella: Yes, like four times today alone!
Phineas: I'm sorry, Isabella, maybe one day you'll understand. Come on Ferb, let's roll.

Isabella: Phineas? Don't you leave me. Phineas!
(About the Dangeraffe's name): Her name's funny, but not Ha-Ha funny!
Phineas: (As the Beak) Don't worry, your friend is fine. He... landed on a ledge... but don't look for me, cause... he crawled in a window. You know, perhaps I'm over explaining this gotta go.
Isabella: Phineas is the Beak?!
Candace: (Sarcastically) Hey! You just earned your Uh-Durr Patch.
Linda: But get me! "I'll be back".
Isabella: Phineas, I'm sorry that I doubted you. I should have known you were the Beak all along.

Phineas: That's okay, Isabella. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you.

Isabella: I know, you were just trying to protect me.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Beak-apus!

She's the Mayor

Linda: Oh, that's great. I've been rushing home all summer long for a metaphor.
Major Monogram: It's our old friend Doofenshmirtz again. He's been researching both theoretical physics and golf fashion. Sounds like an unholy combination.
Candace: I just realized - I, like so many other elected officials, have forgotten the very promises I made that got me into office in the first place!
Roger: You know what they say - you can't be T'd off once you've teed off. (chuckles) That was very funny...

Doofenshmirtz: What? Who says that?
Roger: You know. They. Those guys over there. (points to a couple of creepy, identical people)
"They": (along with ominous music) You can't be T'd off once you've teed off.

Roger: Creepy, huh? I've been trying to ditch those guys all day.
Crazy Old Coot: You tenderfoots better high-tail it outta here, if you know what's good for ya! This here town was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground! (spits)

Phineas: Actually, this is our backyard.
Crazy Old Coot: If you find any gold, it's mine!

Phineas: Umm... Okay...
Linda: I wonder what will be waiting for me today. An invisible thing or a non-existent thing.
Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) There's just one little problem with my Accelerate-inator. There's a small chance that it will rip space-time, probably destroying the entire universe, (Perry stares at him while he is saying this) but golf, jeez, totally worth it. (Perry stops)
Reporters: Yay, metaphors!
Candace: Not everything is a metaphor!
Reporters: Hooray for finding gold being a metaphor for - oh wait, I think we're supposed to take that literally.

The Lemonade Stand

Candace: What is wrong with you two? Can't you think of something normal to do? Like making a lemonade stand or picking your nose or something?

Ferb pulls out a nose-picking machine and turns it on.
Candace: That better not be a nose picking machine!
Ferb turns it off

Candace: Yea, that's right!
Stacy: Candace, I am tired of taking the back seat to the totally unlikely chance that you'll bust your brothers. I want a bеst friend I can count on, so you're gonna have to choose: It's me or busting.

Candace: You're making me choose? You wouldn't dare!
Stacy: Ya-huh.
Candace: Ya-nothing! A real best friend would never do that to me.
Stacy: A real best friend wouldn't make mе do that to her.
Candace: Then I guess you're not my best friend.
Stacy: Not anymore.
Candace: Fine! (slams door)
Stacy: Fine!
Candace: Fine!
Stacy: Fine!
Candace: FINE!
Scene quickly changes to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated.
Doofenshmirtz: Fi...nally, the plumber! The garbage disposal is backed up again. The same one you fixed last week, by the way! And while you're at it--(exclaims) Oh, who needs to see that?! Oh, I'll be in the other room. Oh, I mean for crying out loud--(Perry quickly comes out) What, you're done already? But, you've only been here for, like 15 seconds. And I've been talking for, like half of that. What kind of a plumber are you?
(Perry chatters and takes off hat)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: A platypus plumber? (Perry puts on fedora) Perry the platypus plumber? (Perry takes off his belt)

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: PERRY THE PLATYPUS!!
Balthazar: WOW! This is the best lemonade I have ever had! Hit me again!
Candace: A regular lemonade stand? That's it?
Candace: (Jeremy's picture) Jeremy? No, I can't talk about Jeremy with Jeremy.

(Stacy's picture) Mad at Stacy.
(Jenny's picture) Jenny, pigeons.
(Linda's picture) Mom, no way.

(Buford's picture) Yuck! How did he even get in here? Delete!
Candace: (Starts browsing through the contacts on her cellphone) Okay, Who else... Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom (Picture says "No Other Contacts") -- (Gasps) How can I only have four friends? And one of them's my mom?!
Girl walking down sidewalk: There you are, best friend!

Candace: Oh my gosh, I don't know you but okay!
(Girl walks past Candace to her friend)
Girl: Did you see that lonely girl?

Girl 2: Yeah, she was like all by herself and singular.
Man: Their lemonade stand is at a grocery store, the book store, and the mall; it's even being served on my favorite airline. Yeah! Oh Yeah! Woo! Woo! Lemonade! In your face, orange juice! Boo-ya! That's right! BOO-YA! LEMONADE-AH!
Phineas: Okay... No more for that guy.
Candace: Stacy! There she is! Right next to the... Phineas... and Ferb... lemonade stand...

Candace looks at the cup she is holding, then around seeing several P&F Lemonade locations around, and seeing Mom in Bab's Beauty
Candace: Mom! I'll tell Mom! But wait! Stacy!
Looking both between Mom and Stacy

Candace: Mom! Stacy! Mom! Stacy! Mom! Stacy! Stom! Macy! Stop it! Mulberry! Shish kebab! Marmalade! Hominahaa...
Vanessa: Hey Dad, I just got some great lemonade from the new stand down the street. It's really sour, you wanna- (Suddenly slips) Whoa!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ahh! (After being spilled on by the lemonade) Aw! That smarts, Perry the platypus!
Vanessa: (nervously) Uh Dad, you know he's not here, right?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Yeah I know, but I'm sure it's his fault.

Phineas and Ferb Hawaiian Vacation

Lawrence: Oh, I can't wait to wipeout!

Linda: Dear, wipeout means falling off the board.
Lawrence: Yes, I know...
Candace: Well there's only one thing I'm saying hello-ha to! Relaxing! And taking a break from trying to bust Phineas and Ferb.
The rest of the family stares at her.

Candace: What? It's hard work!
Lawrence: Well, I am a little rusty on my Hawaiian, but here goes. Buenas dias, señor. Me llamo Lawrence. (Spanish for "Good day, sir. My name is Lawrence.")

Hotel Manager: Oh, no no. That's not necessary. We speak in English here. Hawaii is part of the United States.
Lawrence: Is it really? How remarkable. Well, we're the Flynn-Fletcher family. Two adults, three children, and our pet platypus, Perry.
Hotel Manager: Excellent; why don't you join your family and I'll call for a bell hopper to carry your bags.

Lawrence: Wonderful.
Candace: Hey, what's this? Pineapple scented serenity lotion with SPF. "Apply and feel instantly serene". Mom! I totally need the serenity lotion!
Hotel Manager: Stop right there young man! What is the meaning of this?
Phineas: Uh I'm not sure I understand your question.
Afer being hit by the De-evolution-inator, Doof somehow has a giant ear.
Big Eared Doof: Okay, this I don't even get.
Referring to the Hotel Manager
Phineas: Wow. For someone living in Hawaii, he's awfully stressed.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great. Now I'm a single-celled organism. Now how am I going to drive home?
Candace: Ooh, a good luck charm! (mysterious music plays and the tiki charm eyes glows) With its own theme music.
Doofenshmirtz: Who would've guessed my De-evolutionator would've backfired on me? (the other single-celled organisms raise their hands) Alright, put you pseudopods down!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It's strange that my underwear and socks evolved with me.
Candace: I'm cursed. Phineas, Ferb, I need your help getting rid of this tiki charm.

Phineas: Um, personally, I'd be a little more worried about that manray stuck to your head.

Candace: What? Ugh. You know, after the day I've been having, I didn't even notice.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Just because we're stranded on a desert island, doesn't mean we should abandon our normal lives, don't you think? Because then the Tiki gods would win!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (After seeing the crabs and parrots on Perry's side) Hey! Those are my minions! Traitors!

Phineas and Ferb Summer Belongs to You!

Main article: Phineas and Ferb Summer Belongs to You!/Memorable Quotes

Nerds of a Feather

Talking Zebra: I voted for you, Kevin.
Candace: Cool! I'm gonna fly too! Taking a diving stance Okay, focus. And - UGH! (She crashes to the floor, causing large cracks to appear) Oh no, I've broken my mind! Reality is shattering before my eyes. AAAH!
Phineas: Candace, you're fine. It's just special effects.
Phineas: Ferb and I are warming up before we meet our special effects hero Clive Addison today at the Science-Fiction and Fantasy Convention.
Candace: That explains why you're dressed in costumes from "Giant Losers: The Musical"!
Candace: Ugh. Stop being related to me, and take all your mirrors, and zebras, and junk and get out of my room!

Phineas: Zebras?

Ferb shrugs
Doofenshmirtz: You know, in the future we won't sit and read newspapers in the morning. Instead, giant robots will control us in human death matches.
Major Monogram (R.I.C.K.): Now here's footage from just two days ago. Watch, see, his hand goes up, and then he transforms into a wolf with fiery red eyes and runs howling into the misty night.
Linda: Hi Candace, where are you off to?

Candace: Oh! I'm uh....going to Stacy's.
Linda: What's in the big bag?
Candace: Smaller bags?

Linda: Great, have fun.
Doofenshmirtz: I picked the wrong day to stop carrying garlic-scented throwing stars.
Phineas: But, what about Ferb?

Irving: Forget about him. He's nothing to you anymore!

Albert: (To Ferb) Well, I guess I'm your new brother. Carry my action figures?
Candace: Why must it be so hard for a life-long closet Ducky-Momo fan to come to a science fiction/fantasy convention to find cool, rare Ducky-Momo collectables without anyone finding out her dark, humiliating secret?
Baljeet: I feel a minor disturbance in the universe. Almost as if- (a toilet flushes) Oh, now it is gone.
Baljeet: (indignantly) Oh, bite this prop tongue from episode 8!
Buford: I'm sure you're wondering why I, Buford, have taken a leadership role in such a geek-centered enterprise. Well, take a look around. This place is crawling with nerds! I'm like a kid in a candy store! Plus, I relate to the character of Odar Underhump and his complex emotional inner journey.
Phineas: (Sigh) To quote Lump Sharkboard from Space Adventure 16... "glorf".
Jingle Singers: Glorf!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, what did you expect? It was like twenty of them against one-and-two-halves of us.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) Oh, you've freed yourself with your amazing magician skills!

Perry brandishes a pair of scissors

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: And also scissors.
Candace: Ducky Momo Plushies. Momo Collectible Car Game. Momo the Movie! Oh, the Momo-ness of it all! The sheer Mo-mosity!
Irving: Me? Help you? My manipulator-slash-grasper is at your command!
Phineas: Clive Addison! We're your biggest fans!

Clive Addison: Thanks man, it's just too bad there aren't more of you out there.
Phineas: That's crazy! Everyone here loves your work. In fact, the only reason they're not lined to see you is that they're about to go to war over which of your movies is better.
Clive Addison: Oh man, I don't wanna hear that. I became a special effects artist to join the nations of this earth together in peace and hope.

Phineas: Well, what other reason is there for creating cool visual effects for film and television? (he gets an idea) ... Special effects! That's it! Ferb, I know what we're gonna do from this point in the day on!
Baljeet: You cannot resist our superior technology!

Buford: (lifting his arms) Smell my barbarian pits!
Crowd of Speckies: Eww!

Baljeet: Yuck!
Baljeet: Charge!

Ducky Momo quacking, pause; Ducky Momo quacks again

Baljeet and Buford: Charge again!
As a holographic monster stomps around

Irving: What is that thing?!
Baljeet: (holding up a black box) I do not know! Those readings make no sense!
Irving: That's a pencil sharpener.

Baljeet: How is that information helpful at this juncture?!
Albert tries to use his wand on the special effects monster

Albert: Rootah dez-tu valoomus!
Albert & Irving: Rootah dez-tu valoomus!
They look at each other

Albert & Irving: Brother!
Candace: And you don't make that thing disappear by saying 'Eugie beugie weugie!'

The special effects monster disappears
Kid 1: Ducky Momo defeated the monster!
Everyone runs to Candace and lifts her up
Candace: (taking off mask) Hey, it's me. Candace Flynn, the one you love! And I love Ducky Momo!
Pause; stare at Candace
Kid 2: Look, she's a teenager and she's dressed as Ducky Momo!

Kid 3: That is so humiliating.

Wizard of Odd

(In reference to the house)

Baljeet: Do you guys always wash the house like this?

Phineas:: Sometimes we give it a bath, but the city's using the tub as a reservoir.
(While Candace is passing out.)
Baljeet: Water-proof undergarments! Wheeeeeee!
Dream Fireside Girl: (Spits) I have saliva!
Candace: Gross.
Patchkins: Witch! Witch! Witch!
Doofenshmirtz: Not Witch, Warlock! It's a robe, not a dress!
Doofenshmirtz: Give me those boots!

Isabella: She doesn't have to give you anything. You have no real power in this part of Odd.

Doofenshmirtz: Wrong! I have the power of positive thinking! True, it doesn't really help me in this instance, but you can't stay in Patchkin Land forever!
Doofenshmirtz:: Now check me out as I disappear into an evil cloud of black smoke!

(Black smoke surrounds Doofenshmirtz. Smoke disappears, and reveals a charred and withered Doofenshmirtz)

Doofenshmirtz: You know, I'm just gonna use my bus pass.
(Referring to her journey to Bustopolis)
Candace: I hope there's not gonna be a lot of singing in this thing.
Candace: Fine, you can come along.

Baljeet: Boy howdy!
Candace: But no singing, and don't stand to close. Too close!

Baljeet: Sorry.
Candace: Oh hi! I couldn't help notice that you were, um...

Jeremy: A tree?
Candace: A-ttractive.

Jeremy: It's okay. I know I'm a tree.
Phineas: From this point, you have two routes to Bustopolis. On your right is a yellow sidewalk through a terrifying beastbog.

(Large amount of water comes out of bog)
Beastbog: We have saliva!
(Candace, Jeremy and Baljeet look in shock)
Phineas: And on the left, Ferb and I have built a frozen non-dairy treat sidewalk through an ice-cream canyon. You can skate it and lick it for the ultimate favorable fun.

Jeremy and Baljeet: Ice cream, ICE CREAM!
Candace: This is a better than the ice cream canyon, isn't it?

Baljeet: Oh, yes, I much prefer rotting vegetation and blood sucking demons.
Jeremy: There sure are some creepy looking trees in here.

Creepy Tree: Hey, we can't all be movie stars!
Candace: Okay, kidnapped by flying squirrels and stuck in a web that came out of a monkey's butt. Hm... I guess I have had weirder days.
Candace: Perry, I'm sorry I got you into this mess. Forget about me, save yourself if you can.

(Perry cuts the web in front of him with a saw in his fedora)

Candace: Well if it's that easy...
Buford: Whats he want? (Perry chatters) Could be rabies.
Major Monogram: Gentlemen, we're on to stop Doofenwitch you want to rescue the girl. I see an opportunity for some inter-agency cooperation, now here's the plan. Wait, why am I a fairy?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Shut up, you're a tree!

Candace: Wait a minute, you can't talk to Jeremy like that! (picks up bucket of water)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Put that bucket down. What are you-- (throws bucket)
Candace: Melt, evil witch!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, you little brat! This outfit's 100% cotton! Aw, it's shrinking, it's shrinking! I have to go change my clothes
Candace: Sorry, I only meant to melt you.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Guards, dispose of them, while I switch into my track suit!
Doofenshmirtz: I want....those red rubber boots!

Phineas: Sure. Candace won't mind. Right Candace?
Candace: Well, yeah. But they won't come off.
Phineas: Ferb?
Ferb takes out a red shoe horn
Doofenshmirtz: A red rubber shoe horn? Why didn't I think of that? That's it?

Phineas: Yep. Have fun!
Candace: Did you say fun?

Ferb: Often, the most fun you can be found in your own backyard.
Candace: And the in the journey... Okay! I'm in!
Phineas: Cool!
Candace: Oh Jeremy! Hi! Let's go!
Jeremy: Way more fun than taking the sidewalk, eh?
Candace: You have no idea.

Phineas: (From the back of the screen) Have fun, everybody!

We Call it Maze

Major Monogram is talking to Perry about Dr. Doofenshmirtz not being on Earth

Major Monogram: Even his answering machine doesn't give us a clue where he is.

Doofenshmirtz answering machine: Hello, you reached Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, I'm not here right now... Or am I? (Laughs Maniacally) Oh, if you're calling for the piano, it's already been sold.
Phineas: Time to test out our maze.

Baljeet: Did somebody say 'test'?
Phineas: It's not really a test. We're more like lab rats going after cheese.
Buford: Did somebody say 'cheese'?
Phineas: Buford, that's just a metaphor.

Buford: Hmm. I am to metaphor cheese as metaphor cheese is to transitive verb crackers!
Perry enters to D.E. Inc. and he finds a Doofenshmirtz's talking doll, so he pulls the cord in every pause

Doofenshmirtz doll: Hello Perry the Platypus... sorry I'm not here to greet you myself but this is... a trap.

Doofenshmirtz doll transforms into a rocket and is sent to space with Perry the Platypus on it.
Isabella: You wanna go through the maze with me?

Melissa: Yes, yes, yes.
Isabella: Candace, would you like to join Melissa and me?
Candace: Candace Flynn can find her own way out.
Melissa: Oh my gosh, you're Candace Flynn. You're the girl who won fifty patches in one day. You're on the cover of Lil' Sparks magazine, how did you do it?
Candace: (Signing the magazine) Well... Let me tell you something kid, it wasn't easy but the Forestfire Girls really needed me.
Isabella: Fireside Girls.
Candace: That's what I said. Come on kids, I'll get us out of here.
Melissa: Yeah, Candace is gonna lead us to safety!

Isabella annoyingly follows them
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. Welcome to my evil space station!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz's echo: Station... station... cookie... station...

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Wait, did you hear that? That "cookie" part? I think my echo is broken, I really do. Any who...
Buford: How many jellybeans in the jar?

Baljeet: Oh, I am really good at solving these kind of problems.
Phineas: So the base of the jar is Pi times radius squared...
Ferb wasn't given a chance to speak
Baljeet: You are measuring the radius in centimeters, right?
Phineas: No, inches. That way the inch factions work with Pi as 22 over 7.
Baljeet: You do not use 3.14 for Pi?
Buford: Oh, for crying out loud!
Buford eats all of the jellybeans in the jar
Buford: There, zero.
Door opens to the next path.
Baljeet: Okay, technically that is correct, but you did not show your work.
Buford: I will in about 20 minutes.

Ba-dum crash!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz is showing to Perry a few diapositives (it's a projector, not a retrospective) about his trip to Europe 10 years ago.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: ...then the Ambassador's wife filed a complaint... Long story short, I am never welcome in Albania ever again. But the point is, it was lunchtime and I ended up alone in Italy, so I went to the Leaning Tower of Pizza, and you know what? They don't even make pizza there! And so what do they mean? It's the Leaning Tower of Pizza! It's got " pizza" actually in the name! But they were adamant. "No pizza for you!" Kinda like "I'm the idiot." I was like, "You're not so great. You're not so special. What? Just 'cause you're leaning?"
Dr. Doofenshmirtz sent his building to space and built an Tiltinator that can lean all buildings

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: ...I built this Tiltinator and I'm gonna do it all from space!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz's echo: Space... space... cookie... space...

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: There, there it was again? Did you hear that? My second to last echo is broken, I'm going to have that checked.
Melissa: Oh my gosh, thank you for telling Isabella to save me.

Candace: Oh, what do you think I was going to do? Let Isabella let you fall.

Isabella: (flatly) Glad I was able to help.
Isabella: Oh, would you look at that?

Candace: The platform's retracting! What are we gonna do?
Isabella: You're the one who got 50 Fireside patches in one day.
Melissa: That's right! Candace will get us out of this! Won't you, Candace?
Candace: That was a fake! I only did it to get into a concert. If it wasn't for Isabella and my brothers, I never could have done it!
Melissa gasps.

Candace: Now will you please save me?!
They swing and failed to reach the other side.

Candace: Oh, this is just great! I thought you're gonna save us. I- I thought you were suppose to be this perfect Firefighter Girl.
Isabella: Fireside Girl!
Candace: That's what I said.
Isabella: Wait, there's a lever in the middle, but I can't reach it.
Candace: Well, I can't reach it, either!
Isabella: I bet the rope you threw away was longer than your shoelace.

Candace: Oh, so this is my fault?
Buford, Baljeet, Phineas and Ferb get out of the maze before it crashes to the bottom

Buford: Wow! That was a least 3 seconds deep.
Phineas: It was a good thing the girls beat us out.
Isabella takes Melissa to the Lil' Sparks bus.
Isabella: Bye Melissa, see you next week.
Phineas: Everything worked out just fine.
Buford: Hey, I never got my metaphor cheese!
Buford's echo: Cheese... Cheese... Wombat... Cheese...

Buford: Huh? My echo must be broken.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Max Modem!

Candace, Phineas, Ferb and Perry are watching a TV commercial about Lindana

Narrator: This week, we ask "Where did they go?" about Pop Stars from the 80's... First up, this perky pop-star stole a one-hit-wonder by declaring I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun.
Candace: Hey, she looks familiar.
Narrator: Lindana's real name is Linda Flynn-Fletcher and she's now living in the Tri-State area.
Candace: What? Mom, mom, mom!
Phineas: I can't believe she didn't know that.
Candace then runs to Linda
Candace: Mom, mom, mom, mom! You never told me you were a pop star!
Linda: Oh yeah! Well, that was long before you were born. It was fun, but I was happy to give it up to raise a family.
Candace: But you were Lindana and you wanted to have fun!

Linda: Well, now I'm Linda and I wanna stir broth.
Lawrence: I'm afraid I'm hopelessly nerdy.
Phineas: You know, dad may be a little geeky for the new century, but in the 80's, the rise of the synthesizer allowed even hopeless nerds to rock the charts.

Ferb: Phineas, I know what we're going to do today.

Phineas: Yes, yes you do.
Major Monogram: Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been spotted playing with a hoop. See what he's up to.

Perry stares

That's it. That's all we got.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Mustn't forget to open the roof. A little something we learned from the Diarrheainator debacle, right, Perry the Platypus?
Referring to Doofenshmirtz

Sally: Papa! Papa, I wanna see the clown!
Sally's father: Sally, He's no clown, he's a nut-job!

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, ha-ha-ha, laugh it up, now. And when your friends ask you what happened to casual Friday nights, you can tell them you opened your big mouth!
Candace and Linda are talking after singing "I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun"

Candace: I can't believe I sang backup for Lindana!
Linda: You can call me Mom.

Candace: I just sang backup for Mom... Nah, it just doesn't have the same ring...
Perry disables the Alien-Inator, and leaves Doofenshmirtz alone again in his alien costume
Doofenshmirtz: (Sighs) Great, now I am a nut-job.
Linda: Nice work, "Max," you still got it. Though I can't say I remember you having it in the first place.

Lawrence: You weren't so bad yourself. What say we go out for a spot of tea sometime.
Linda: Oh no thanks. I've got an absolutely wonderful husband back home.

Lawrence: Yeah, well you better believe it, Ducky.

The Secret of Success

Candace: Baljeet, this seminar is for high school kids. What are you doing here?
Baljeet: Well, I usually attend college level conferences, but I thought I would dumb it down for the weekend.
Candace: That makes me wanna blarf.
Baljeet: I can see it is already working.
Tedd: And have you used these steps?
Candace: Believe me, I've blarfed and narged plenty. I got nowhere.
Candace: Stacy, wake up!
Stacy: (startled) Uhh! It's not my ferret!
Candace: Oh, no. I'm going to do it right this time. Even though every fiber of my being is screaming to tell you to stay here and find out the information, then run frantically out to that ATV and drive my brothers to Mom who'll bust them, I will resist! Yes! I am going to stay right here and break my old pattern!

Stacy: Good choice, Candace. I can't tell you have a p-
Candace is outside

Candace: Stacy, take notes for me!
Candace: Okay, I learn some skill that... Phineas, you're in the drivers seat, why are you operating with a remote control?

Phineas: Candace, We're too young to drive.

Buford and Isabella: Duh!
Doofenshmirtz: And now live, because it's evil spelled backwards, your host Heinz Doofenshmirtz!
After watching Doofenshmirtz's telethon of evil
Lawrence: This is a brilliant work of satire. It's my new favorite show.
Bridgette: And that's how socks sometimes get lost in the dryer. And cut tape.

Candace: I'm blarfing! I'm blarfing!
Cameraman: What was that?

Bridgette: I don't know, but it's more interesting than socks. To the news van!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: And we're back. The Inator Corporation was generous enough to send us a giant check for 23 dollars. Thank you Sid and the guys, you do an important job. That brings our tally to 23 dollars. Let's go to the phones again. Silence Okay, if no one calls in the next few seconds, the platypus gets it!
News Announcer: We preempt this current preemption to bring you another preemption.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Nothing cuts into my television time! Screen changes to a test pattern with Agent P on it Oh, haha, very funny. Everyone's a comedian.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hey, it's me. It's me. I'm back. Perry the Platypus, you- oh, it's the chopper cam. Hello? I'm back. Hi, Mom. Hi. Perry the Platypus and news helicopter leave Oh, going back to the more dramatic wide angle shot- Dr. Doofenshmirtz crashes into his building And the final tally is... unbearable pain. And probably a herniated disc.
Stacy: Candace, what happened to you? The lecture's over. The gift bags were totally cruddy, by the way. It's just a bag, nothing in it.

The Doof Side of the Moon

Announcer: Looking for a peaceful family getaway? Then come visit delightful Danville! We've got grass, milk, and smiles! So come to Danville, pretty please?
Albert: What's in the box, anyway?

Irving: It's my old collection of spy cameras. I'm gonna take them over to Phineas and Ferb and see what they can do with them.
Albert: (takes box from Irving) Gimme those!
Irving: Give them back, Albert!
Albert: (dumps out all of the cameras) Oopsies.
Irving: (gasps) You pick those up, Albert!
Albert: (takes out nun-chucks) Make me! That is, if you're "ninja" enough!
Irving: You're a jerk! I'm gonna go play with Phineas and Ferb.

Albert: Fine! You do realize that these cameras are now a forfeit?
Stacy: Ooh, sounds like fun, but I have to go to the eye doctor.

Candace: Okay, but just don't get big, thick glasses because then you'd be a nerd, and I can't be seen with you.
Stacy: Oh, Candace. You're so shallow.
Candace: I know. I am so shallow.
(Both laughs)

Candace: But seriously, don't get any big nerdy glasses.
Candace: Yeah, sure, Jenny, but what have whales ever done for me?

Albert: Well, hello.
Albert hits himself on the head with the nunchucks
Candace: If that's the way you feel, I'll get someone else to bust my brothers.
Albert: I'll help you.
Candace: Are you talking to me?
Albert: As a damsel in distress, I have to help you, milady, as part of my medieval knight's code.
Candace: I'm outta here.
Albert: But don't you wanna bust your brothers?
Brakes heard, Candace walks back
Candace: I'm listening.
Albert: Well, have you considered applying the manly science of spy cameras to your problem?
Candace: Spy cameras? Wouldn't it be easier to just show my mom what Phineas and Ferb make?
Albert: I don't know. Is that easier?
Candace: No! No it's not easy! It's never easy! I need help.
Albert: And manly technological surveillance.
Candace: I need nerd help, will you help me?

Albert: You have my word. My nerd word.
Major Monogram: We need you to get over there unrealistically fast. Good luck Agent P. (Agent P is gone, leaving a spinning chair) Agent P?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So, to recap, I rotate the dark side of the moon towards the Earth, eliminating the full moon, and corner the market on evil!

Perry looks in disbelief
What? It's genius. Why are you looking at me like I'm an idiot? Would an idiot build this?
Pushes button that reveals a jellybean taped to a cork.

Oh wait, wait, not that. That's just a cork with a jellybean taped to it. But, don't judge it, it's a layered idea. Now behold, the Lunar rotate-inator! Oh, wait, it's not up there yet. Hold on. Wait. Almost there. Okay, there. Now you can behold.
In an exterminator truck

Candace: So, your father's an exterminator?
Albert: No. Why do you ask?

Candace: Nervously No reason.
Albert: Irving! You bring those cameras back down here this instant!

Irving: Oh, why don't you come up here and endeavor to reclaim them?
Albert: We shall!
Candace: Actually, I don't do high places.

Albert: I shall!
Candace: I win! Through the power of nerd help! (Laughs)

Phineas: Hey Candace! Working on your cackle?
Candace: You guys are so busted. (Car honks) What's that I hear? Oh that's right, it's the inevitable.

Phineas: Oh, I thought it was Mom's car.
Perry trips on the cork while trying to stop Dr. Doofensmirtz
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ha! I told you it was a layered idea.
The moon starts to move along with the building
Phineas: Hm. I don't remember adding that.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Wait, this doesn't make any sense. The moon is rotating while the dark side isn't moving! Ooh, I bet you had something to do with this, didn't you, Perry the Platypus? You're always messing me up. You're just mean. Mean, Perry the Platypus. Plain mean, that's all.

Perry sees the building coming up on them

What are you doing, making magic fingers at me? Are you even listening to me?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I see. The light from the moon is just the reflection off the sun! Dummkopf! I should have rotated the sun.

Split Personality

Buford: (showing Phineas and Ferb the "ruined" chocolate bar) Look what Baljeet did to my candy bar. He got his peanut butter on my chocolate.

Phineas: But Buford, peanut butter and chocolate go great together.
Buford: I don't want to taste two things at the same time! It's unnatural.
Phineas: (gets some peanut butter on his nose) Well, lucky for you, we've just finished working on a molecular splitter. Earlier, we used it to separate a mule into a horse and a donkey, and shampoo-plus-conditioner into shampoo and conditioner. Ferb?
(Ferb activates the molecular splitter and separates the candy bar into a chocolate bar and a jar of peanut butter)
Buford: Witchcraft!
Phineas: Try it.
Buford: (eats chocolate)
Phineas: Well?

Buford: Singular goodness! (to Baljeet) Why don't you grab your peanut butter and your swim suit and meet me at the flagpole?
(After being divided by the molecular splitter)

Busting Candace: Must bust Phineas and Ferb!

Romantic Candace: Ah, Jeremy.
After Doofenshmirtz explains his flashback to Perry the Platypus

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Now I will conquer my fear and jump from the high dive, but you know, I still don't want any of these people to look at me and make fun of me, so I invented the Look-Away-Inator!
Doofenshmirtz points to his invention, which is making the people that pass it to look away and accidentally fall in the pool.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: You'd think it would attract a lot of attention at a public pool, but so far no one's noticed it. It must be leaking or something.
Romantic Candace is decorating her room

Romantic Candace: Romance! lalalalala! It's a Jeremy bedroom.
Busting Candace: O. M. G.
Busting Candace pulls out her phone and calls Linda
Mom! Phineas and Ferb made me!

Linda: Uh, I've got some stretch marks that would say otherwise.
Romantic Candace: Hi Mom, have you seen Jeremy?

Linda: Doesn't he work over there at the hot dog stand?
Romantic Candace: (Dreamily) Oh, yeah.
Romantic Candace leaves happily and appears Busting Candace.
Busting Candace: Mom, Mom! Have you seen me?
Linda: Well, I see you right now. Weren't you looking for Jeremy?
Busting Candace: No!
Busting Candace leaves angrily
Glasses seller: Wow. Twins. That's a handful.

Linda: What?
Busting Candace appears with Jeremy

Jeremy: Hi Candace.
Busting Candace: Have you seen Candace?
Jeremy: Well I can see you right now.
Busting Candace: No, no, no, no. Not me me, the me that isn't me.
Jeremy: (Confused) Uh...
Busting Candace: You know "blah-blah-blah, Jeremy is so amazing, hearts, rainbows, and unicorns, bla!" That me.
Jeremy: (Confused) Oh Gosh. I guess I could say yes I have.
Busting Candace: Where?
Jeremy: (Scared) No where. I mean, not today.
Busting Candace: Ugh! Well if I come back and I have a flower in my hair, you tell me. Find Candace, find Mom, bust, bust, bust.
Romantic Candace: Hi Jeremy.
Jeremy: Uh, hey Candace, you have a flower in your hair.
Romantic Candace: I know.
Jeremy: Ok, you're kinda scaring me.
Romantic Candace: I could just stare at you all day long.
Jeremy: Listen, I gotta get back to work, but if you like, I can swing by your house after I'm done.
Romantic Candace: Really? I would love that!
Jeremy: Ok then, see you after work.

Romantic Candace: Something to remember me by?
Kid: Mister, come on, it's your turn. Are you some kind of schnitzel?

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I am a man, not a schnitzel. (Climbing the high diving board) I will prove it right now! Ah, nobody calls me a schnitzel anymore, I bet he doesn't what it means that little- Hey, hey what a minute. This isn't as bad as I's so much worse!

Kid: Schnitzel.
Phineas: Hey Candace, look who's here early.

Phineas points to Ferb dressed like Jeremy
Romantic Candace: Ooh, my Jeremy is here! I'll be right with you my love!

Phineas: She bought it. I guess love is blind.
(After being divided by the molecular splitter)

Singing Monogram: I wanna sing! (Laughs)

Major Monogram: I try so hard to keep you under wraps.

Brain Drain

Candace: Aw, you guys really are sick.

Phineas: Well you know, (sneezes) Nothing can ever keep us down.

Candace: That's great! You're completely incapacitated! That means I have the whole day to myself! I can spend all day working on my Jeremy Scrapbook, or I could work on Jeremy: the Board Game, or I can go to the mall and watch Jeremy from my secret hiding place behind the Weave 'n' Wave! The possibilities are endless! This is gonna be the best sick day ever... for ME!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh... eat that gum off the sidewalk!

Perry picks up the gum and reluctantly puts it near his mouth

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh gross, you're really going to do it, Perry the Platypus? That's so unsanitary! Didn't your mother ever tell you not to do that? Ooh! Oh, it looks so horrible! I can't look! I can't look! Stop! Stop, Perry the Platypus, stop! (laughs) Oh man, that was great. (pause) Now put it back down and do it again.
Phineas: Isabella and Baljeet won their battles, so who am I gonna fight?

Computer: Phineas vs. Phineas!
Phineas: Okay, at least I'm evenly matched!
In the video game, Phineas crashes against Phineas and the game is over
Computer: Phineas wins!

Phineas: I'm kicking my own butt!
Vanessa answers her phone during the party

Vanessa: It's my dad. Yes, Dad?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus almost ate gum from the sidewalk!
Vanessa: That's what you called to tell me?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: No, no, I called you to remind you that I'll pick up you and your Visigoth friends after the party.
Vanessa: Dad, it's Goth, not Visigoth, and they're Punks, not Goths.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz appears with Perry the Platypus and a Visigoth warrior
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ah… sorry Alaric, I thought they were Visigoth, but you're never going to impress the Punks. You're free to go.
Alaric: But I still get my pay raise.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: See? This is what it's like having a teenage daughter, you're never cool enough.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz hangs up

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?
The kids are controlling Perry, but they think it's a game, and Buford starts to hit Perry with his own arm

Buford: Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?
Phineas: Ferb's got right leg.
Baljeet: And I got back and forth.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What's wrong with him? Stop that! Stop it!
Baljeet: What is the goal of this game?
Phineas: I'm not sure.
Buford: Who cares? Let's just fight that old pharmacist!

Phineas: Sure, this must be the boss level!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz gets his hands on the records

Vanessa: Dad?
Johnny: That's your dad?

Vanessa: No!

Rollercoaster: The Musical!

Phineas: See? No discernible music source.
Isabella: Hey Candace. Hey Stacy. Hey Jenny. How'd the number go?

Candace: Pretty good, but I'm still angry.

Isabella: Well, I guess I'm up.
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, what a surprise. And by "surprise", I mean "not a surprise at all".
Dancer: So, uh, are we done? 'Cause I gotta pick up my kid from school.
Doofenshmirtz: One second, just wait 'til it goes to black. (cut to black) All right, now you can go.
Boy 1: Think we'll get in free if we bring the poster?

Boy 2: We didn't last time. Maybe we should take it just in case.

Buford: Hey, if anyone's going to ride this thing, it's gonna be me, not one of you lousy extras.
Linda: I'll be in the dairy section if you want to yell at some cheese. Would you like that, honey? Would you like to yell at some cheese?

Candace: A little.

Linda: Well, come on then.
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! May I present to you a spectacle most of the morning in the making. Mark your calendars because you will want to tell your grandchildren about the day you rode The Coolest Coaster Ever! (Rollercoaster is unveiled, a bird hits the coaster) And this time it's a musical.
Croissant Vendor: Crepe suzette?
Phineas: What do you say, Suzette, d'ya wanna crepe?
Farmer's Wife: I can't believe you walked all the way to the service station to get jumper cables, but you didn't bring the battery cart. What did you think, that a battery cart would just fall out of the sky?

Battery cart crashes behind the farmer.
Farmer's Wife: (uncertain) OK. (hopeful smile) What did you think, that a million dollars was just going to fall out of the sky?
Farmer: It doesn't work that way.

Farmer's Wife: Well, how does it work, then?!

Make Play

Major Monogram: Morning Agent P, we have a situation here, the royal Princess Baldegunde from Drusselstein is in town. She's here to give the “Drusselsteinian Favorite Son” Award to Mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz during the unveiling of the new Danville Opera House. We assume Dr. Doofenshmirtz will do something to disrupt the ceremony. He's been buying up all the claw machines in the Tri-state Area. We don´t know exactly what his plan is, but do the math: Princess, Opera house, claw machines, stuffed animal. You put that together and you get a Claw-Princess-Animal, uh, Stuffed-Claw-House

Carl interrupts him
Carl: Uh, ooh ooh ooh...Or a...or a, Singing Animal Claw-Clawpera House, Stuffy Stuffness!
Major Monogram: (overlapping) A Singing Claw-, Clawing, Clawing House with a-
Major Monogram: It's terrifying, you must stop Doofenshmirtz and make sure the princess is safe. We don’t actually have a photo of her, but whatever, she’s a 15 year-old girl, they all pretty much look alike... Carl, put up a picture of a 15 year-old girl! Carl puts on screen a picture of Candace and now put a crown on her. There! There's your princess.
Carl: Oh wait sir, I found a picture of the actual princess.
Major Monogram: All right, put it up there. Carl puts on screen a picture of Princess Baldegunde, who is identical to Candace
Major Monogram: Oh, wow, what are the odds?
Carl: Well, it is a cartoon, sir.
Major Monogram: What did I tell you about breaking the Fourth wall, Carl?

Carl: Sorry sir.
Princess Baldegunde: See? I never get to do anything for myself.

Candace: And I have to do everything for myself.
Both: I got it!
Candace: Let's go to the laundrymat and fill the dryers with cheese!

Princess Baldegunde: What? No, let us trade lives! I thought for sure on same page we were.
Candace: Wow, I've been given all this power and how I've chosen to use it is to run through gold coins barefoot? I'm a genius!
The Princess is putting together a few tables

Princess Baldegunde: Ok now, I hammer. Claps at Baljeet Hammer! Hammer?
Baljeet: Your legs do not appear to be broken!

Princess Baldegunde: You are right! Broken they are not. I can be fetching hammer for myself, can I not? Here I go!
Princess Baldegunde: (as Candace) Hello cute blond boy with guitar!
Jeremy: Hey cute redhead... talking funny? See you after the set.
Candace: Wow..., absolute power bores absolutely...

Princess calls Candace
Candace: Hello?
Princess Baldegunde: Candace, I need to ask you question, how is pronounced the name of cute blonde boy with guitar?
Candace: What cute blonde boy?
Princess Baldegunde: The one with band! Is it Jerr-emy or Jer-mee?
Candace: It’s pronounced "stay away from him'"!

Princess Baldegunde hangs up
Candace: (approaching her mother) Mom! Mom! Giant jukebox! Come on! Come on! (Candace runs outside to see the blimp take the jukebox. Linda follows.) You missed it. Giant jukebox, doppelganger, everything, all gone.
Linda: Cool.

Candace Gets Busted

Lawrence comes down the stairs wearing a hat with a shower head attached to it.

Linda: Lawrence, you're not wearing that on the plane.

Lawrence: I’m not on the plane yet.
Candace is calling Jenny and Stacy, but Phineas interrupts her

Phineas: Do you need help with entertaining or snacks?
Candace: Listen, under no circumstances do I want you to do anything crazy. Or anything at all, for that matter. Just go to your room and get out of my hair. Vamoose.
Phineas: Are you sure? We can make a nacho launcher, or a dip fountain!
Candace: No.
Phineas: How about a wasabi slide?
Candace: No. Sorry about that, Stace. Come over around... Oh wait, I have another call. Hello?
Candace answers, but it's Phineas who's calling.
Phineas: How about a mustard-go-round?
Candace: Phineas!

Phineas: Okay. Hey, Where's Perry?
Major Monogram: So, get him, Agent P, and good luck.

Doofenshmirtz: Thank you.
Major Monogram: Not you.

Doofenshmirtz: Too late, I'm lucky now.
Stacy: So my mom told me to clean up my room and I didn't have any shoes on, so I started picking stuff up with my feet, and I turned it into a game with myself, like, "Can I Clean Up My Whole Room With My Feet?" And I did.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So, tell me tell you my evil scheme. Not too long ago, I used to sit down right over there to watch free movies on the drive-in movie screen across the street. Of course, I didn't get the sound, so I made up my own dialogue. It was fun!

changes his tone of voice to sound gruff and deeper Sheila, I love you, but now I have to defuse this bomb.
in normal voice See, good stuff! Gripping. points out the window But now look, they built a giant condominium blocking my view. I tried to make a dialogue for it,
in gruff movie voice I'm a condominium, I'm just standing here.

normal voice See, where's the fun in that? It's always the same. "I'm a building." There's no story. I know what you're thinking, why don't I move my armchair over to that window with the unblocked view? Well, I would also need to move this little table and the lamp, and this is the only electrical outlet. It seems easier to get rid of the building.
Candace is trying to unplug the amplifier, but Phineas and Ferb interrupt her

Phineas: Hi Candace, cool party.
Candace: It's not a party. It's an intimate get together.
Jeremy interrupts her
Jeremy: Hey, Candace? Thanks so much for hosting this.
Candace: Oh, sure. Rock on... Jeremy leaves What are you looking at?! If you want to stay down here, sit over there and stay out of the way.
Phineas: (leaving) Okay.
someone throws a bag of Pork Rinds snacks
Guy: Pork Rinds, coming your way!
Candace: Uh, snacks should not be airborne!

Snatches it from him but the bag tears and the chips fall to the ground.
Candace is trying to prevent everyone from destroying everything, when she finds a mature man.

Candace: What is my Science Teacher doing here?

Teacher: I never miss a Phineas and Ferb Party!
Phineas: (on phone) Hi, Mom? What, what? I'm sorry, I can't hear you over Candace's intimate get together.
Phineas and Ferb are leading a Conga line

Phineas: It's for you!
Candace: Wait a minute, where are you going?
Phineas: To the kitchen!
Party members: Candace party! Candace party!
Candace: Hello?
Linda: Candace?
Candace: Mom?!
Linda: Candace, is that you? I can barely hear you! What's all that noise? Candace, are you having a party?!
Candace: No, no, no, Mom. It's not a party, It's an intimate get together!
Party members: Candace party! Candace party!
Candace: SHUT UP!
Linda: (talking to Lawrence in the airport) Lawrence, there's something weird going on at home. I'm afraid we're gonna have to cancel our trip and head right back. (sighs)
Lawrence: Oh, would you like to yank my chain?
Linda: Yes, yes I would.

Linda pulls the cord of the shower-hat of Lawrence
The sides of Doofenshmirtz's pants appear to have all the party members in them.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, obviously, something's amiss. Ugh, let's review: The Goaway-Inator which missed the condo, should've zapped whatever it hit to an undesirable location. Let me check my undesirable location wheel. (grabs out binoculars) Stonehenge, Burbank (looks where spinner stopped) pants?! Why would I even write that there? Oh, I see, I got it confused with my dry-cleaning wheel. Oh, okay, but... why do I have a dry-cleaning wheel?
in gruff movie voice I am a dry-cleaning wheel. Why do I exist?

normal voice Perry the Platypus, be a mensch and push the reverse button, would you?
Candace: Hello, mother, father. What are you doing back so soon? I hope everything's okay. pause There's a party behind me, isn't there?

Linda: Candace, I trusted you! I can't believe you threw a party!
Candace: I didn't throw a party!
Linda: Well, then, whose party is it?
Party members: Candace party! Candace party!
Linda: Young lady, you are so busted! Tell your friends to go straight home and go straight up to your room!
Party member #1: Oh, man! Hey, everybody, the Candace party is over.
Party members: Awwww!
Candace sadly walks upstairs. Phineas and Ferb watch her.
Phineas: Candace, if it makes you feel any better, you accidentally threw the most outrageous party of the summer!

Candace: Thanks, guys. I'll see you in a week.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Vanessa! Thank goodness you're here! A platypus has tied me up in my own pants!

Vanessa: How did my life get to the point where that is not a strange sentence to me?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: in gruff movie voice I'm your daughter. I will stop being sarcastic and untie you.


See also

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