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(Scene opens up in a scary movie Phineas and Ferb are watching.)
Mad scientist: You know what we're going to do today, Talbo? It's time to test...THE TELEPORT! (Flips a switch, causing the teleports to activate. Talbo teleports to the one to the right, only get to singed.) Eureka! Now I can teleport myself anywhere in the world!
Talbo: Wouldn't you have to take one of those teleport things there first? Oh, but then you'd already be there. It kinda renders the whole thing redundant, doesn't it?
Mad scientist: Do you want me to remove your tongue again, Talbo?

(Shift to Phineas and Ferb watching the movie.)
Phineas: Cool! (turns off TV with the remote) I know what we can do today, Ferb. (chuckles while Ferb covers his mouth with his hands) No, not the tongue thing. The teleporter.
Linda: (off screen) Hey, boys.
(Linda crawls by.)
Phineas: Hey, Mom. Ferb and I are gonna build a teleport device.
Linda: Oh, great. I wish to teleport to where my earrings are. I've lost them.
Phineas: The dangly smoky topaz or the hoops?
Linda: Hoops.
Phineas: Oh, she must be wearing the blue dress. We'll keep an eye out for 'em. (at Ferb) Come on, Ferb. We're burnin' daylight.
(Montage of Phineas and Ferb building the teleports. Instrumental version of the theme song plays in the background.)
Phineas: Teleports completed! .... Hey, where's Perry?

(In Candace's room...)
Candace: (sniffs) (record scratch) Ew!
(Perry wakes up)
Candace (cont.): You're not supposed to be here.
(Perry chatters)
Candace (cont.): I told Phineas and Ferb to keep you outta my room. (kicks the bedroom door open as she's holding Perry) I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind.

(Downstairs...)
Candace: Mom! Do you know where Phineas and Ferb are?
Linda: They're in the garage, honey.
Candace: Oh, by the way, Jeremy's gonna be here soon. Please try not to embarrass me in front of him again.
Linda: What do you mean, again?
Candace: Remember my fifth-grade graduation with the inflatable–
Linda: Oh, that's right. My bad.

(In the garage...)
Phineas: This is a glorious day for mankind. Ready with the camera so we can document it?
(Ferb gets ready with the camera)
Phineas: Cheese!
(Candace runs in front of the lens right when Ferb takes the photo.)
Candace: How many times have I told you to keep Perry out of my room?! (notices the teleports) What are those?
Phineas: Teleports. Pretty cool, huh?
Candace: You guys are so bus – Aah! (trips on a controller, disappears through one teleport, and appears from the other)
Phineas: Cool, it worked. (suddenly looks concerned) Candace? Are you OK?

{Editor's Note: Until Perry and Candace switch back, this transcript refers Perry in Candace's body as Perry/Candace and Candace in Perry's body as Candace/Perry.}

Candace/Perry: (pointing at her brothers) Wait a second. How you guys get so big? (gasps) And why is my hand green? (takes a pink mirror from a nearby box) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'M AN UGLY, SMELLY PLATYPUS!!! I'm a platypus! I'm a platypus! I'm a platypus! I'm a platypus!
Phineas: (talking over) Amazing. You and Perry going through the teleport at the same time must have switched your brains!
Candace/Perry: Oh, you think? You guys better change me back now or I'll... Wait...JEREMY'S GONNA BE HERE SOON!
Phineas: Not a problem, sis. We'll just put you both through the teleporter again. Hey, where's Perry? Uh, I-I mean Candace. I mean Perry in Candace's body?

(Perry/Candace chatters)
Dooby-dooby doo
Ba dooby-dooby doo
Ba dooby-dooby doo

(In the backyard...)
Phineas: I wonder where he scampered off to. Any ideas, Ferb?
Isabella: What'cha dooooin'?
Phineas: Hey, Isabella. We built a teleportation device and accidentally switched Candace and Perry's brains.
Isabella: Really? That's so cool!
Candace/Perry: You wouldn't think it was so cool if you smelled like this.
Phineas: We're looking for Perry so we can switch them back to normal. Wanna help?
Isabella: You betcha.

(Perry/Candace slides down the tube to the lair, getting stuck several times before landing in his/her lair.)
Major Monogram: (off screen) Carl! How many times have I told you, lift the seat when you're done?!
(Monogram rises on his seat.)
Carl: (off screen) Sorry!
Major Monogram: Oh, there you... Uh-oh. Carl, I think we have a breach of security.
Carl: (off screen) What do you mean, sir?
Major Monogram: There's a teenage girl in here.
Carl: (pushes forward) A teenage girl?!
(A fedora lands on Perry/Candace's head.)
Major Monogram: Agent P, brilliant disguise!
Carl: Man! I thought it was a real girl. (walks away in disappointment)
(Perry/Candace looks at a panel under the monitor seeing his/her reflection and chatters in horror, then feels his/her face.)
Major Monogram: Now for your mission. Slushy the Clown statues have disappeared all over the Tri-State area. Without that clown, there's just nothing fun about lunch anymore.
Major Monogram: Carl and I have lunch at Mr. Slushy Burger every day. Pickles so green and meat so brown (Carl joins in) Lunchtime's fun with Slushy the Clown We really miss that clown. (sniffles) So, ahem, drop whatever you're doing and find out what happened to those statues by lunchtime.

(Perry/Candace rides out of a trapdoor that opens up on the road on his/her scooter and is stopped by a red light. Stacy and Dr. Hirano happen to be in the car next to him/her.)

Stacy: Candace? Hey, Candace! Awesome scooter! Hey, wanna come to Slushy Burger with my mom and me?

Perry/Candace: (smiles awkwardly and tips his/her fedora)

(The light turns green and he/she hurriedly speeds off.)

Stacy: Was that a yes or a no?
Dr. Hirano: I don't know, but I like the hat.
Stacy: Yeah, it's a good look for her. (In the backyard...)

Candace/Perry: Come on, guys! Are you almost done? Jeremy's gonna be here soon.
Phineas: Ferb's printing up the last one now. Looks great, Ferb.
Candace/Perry: (reading from the flyer) "Lost platypus. Looks like a girl"? Why did you use that picture? I don't want anyone to see me like that!
Phineas: That's the only picture we had. (at Isabella) Good job, Isabella!
(The picture appears on the side of a giant blimp) Isabella: Glad I could help!
Candace/Perry: Aaaah! Now everyone will see that horrible picture!
Phineas: OK, Candace, just stay here while we post these around town. We'll find Perry in no time.

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

Pickles so green and meat so brown
Lunchtime--
Doofenshmirtz: (Ejecting a voice box) Not anymore!
(crash)
Doofenshmirtz: A teenage girl?
(Perry/Candace dons the fedora)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the teenage girl?!
(He pulls out a controller from his lab coat, pushes the button, and Perry/Candace is trapped in a platypus sized cage) Sorry about the tight fit, but, you know, if I knew you were going to disguise yourself as a teenage girl, I would've set a bigger trap. I'm suppose you're wondering why I have all these clowns, right? Well, you see, I've had that Slushy Burger jingle stuck in my head for, like, a week. You know, it goes like this. Pickles so green and meat so brown, Lunchtime's fun with Slushy the Clown! Oh, I hate that song so much, I've stolen all the clowns, and I'm going to rip their tape boxes out. You know, like you do.
I'm going to replace it with my own evil jingle. I just have to finish writing it. I'm having a hard time finding a good rhyme for "evil," though, you know. Believe me, I've tried. Keevil, deevil, feevil, weevil... You know, none of these are words.

Police Officer: You guys lost a platypus?
Phineas: Yep.
Police Officer: Officer 3323. Tell Charlie we have a 10-91-P. Yeah, it's a platypus. Looks like a girl. MIA. (at Phineas and Ferb) Don't worry, boys. After a nice lunch at Mr. Slushy Burger, the Tri-State area's finest will be on the job.
Phineas: By the way, our mom's also missing her earrings.
Police Officer: Which ones? The dangly topaz or the hoops?
Phineas: The hoops.
Police Officer: Oh, that's a shame. We'll get right on it.

Candace/Perry: Mom, you won't believe what Phineas and Ferb did!
Linda: What did they do this time?
Candace/Perry: All you have to do is look at me!
(doorbell rings)
Candace/Perry: If that's Jeremy, tell him... I'm getting ready. I don't want him to see me like this.
(doorbell rings again)
Linda: (looks up) OK, Candace, now what's so important? .... Hi, Jeremy.
Jeremy: Hey, Mrs. Flynn. Is Candace here?
Linda: Oh, she's still getting ready. You know girls. Have a seat. While you wait, I'll make you a snack.
(sits on the couch, sees Candace/Perry underneath)
Jeremy: Oh, hey, Perry. Come up here. How's my favorite little platypus today?
Candace/Perry: Oh hee- hee- hee- hee I mean... (tries to imitate Perry's chatter)

Crowd: (reading the billboard) "Lost platypus. Looks like a girl." You know, that's insulting to the platypus. How are we supposed to tell if it's a girl?

Linda: Why don't you watch some TV while you wait? Oh, hey. I've got some great baby movies of Candace.
(baby cooing)
Linda: Ohh! There she is in the bathtub. (bubbles gurgle) Oops! Little bubbles.
Candace/Perry: (walks off screen) Mom! Remember what we talked about? My fifth-grade graduation? (comes back to the couch)
Linda: Fifth-grade graduation? What is she talking about?
Candace/Perry: Ugh! (walks off screen again) Just turn off the home movies!

Doofenshmirtz: Meevil, steevil, cleavil.... As soon as I get this done, lunchtime will never again be fun. Oh, great! There's a rhyme! There's a rhyme, but sure, everything rhymes with "fun." (Perry/Candace tries to hit him with his tail, but only waves his/her behind in his face)
.... Ha! You don't have a tail anymore. Now you are no match for me! But wait a minute. I-I-I can't hit a girl. (gets hit with Perry/Candace's shoulder bag)
Oof! Did you have that purse when you came in? .... Well, I'm out of here. .... (attempts to speed away, leaving a smoke figure which dissipates, revealing Doofenshmirtz again)
…What just happened?

Linda: You're such a nice boy, Jeremy. I can why Candace built a shrine of you in her room. (laughs) Oopsy! I probably shouldn’t have said that. Thanks for feeding Perry while I look for my earrings.
Jeremy: Sure, no problem. ...What's in this platypus food, anyway?
Linda: Mostly worms and insect larvae. (Candace/Perry starts to barf then Linda puts her outside) Oh, Perry! Now I have to get the carpet cleaned again! Hey, maybe I lost my earrings while folding Candace's laundry. Why don't you help me look while you wait, Jeremy?
(Candace/Perry is locked out of the house in the backyard. She knocks on the door, and starts sweating out of nervousness)
Candace/Perry: Am I sweating milk?! Being a platypus is so gross!

(Meanwhile back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)

Doofenshmirtz: Wait, wait! I can't- I can't fight when you're dressed as a girl. It's so...como se dice... awkward. Look! Shoes on sale! (Perry/Candace looks where Doofenshmirtz points. He tries to run for it during his/her momentary distraction, but he/she takes out an MP3 player out of the purse and throws it at him, rendering him trapped in the now comically long wire.) Curse you, Perry the teenager!
Agent P!

(Perry/Candace returns with a Slushy the Clown statue back)
Male teen: Hey! The girl missing her platypus found Slushy the Clown!
Kids: Yay!

Candace/Perry: This is horrible! Mom is inside, ruining my love life!
(Perry/Candace chatters)
Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry!
Candace/Perry: Great. Change me back now!
(In the garage...)
Phineas: So this is how you went through the first time, right? You were holding Perry?
Candace/Perry: (Holding Perry/Candace, arms shaking) Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Hurry! Oh! He's a lot heavier now.
(Phineas activates the teleporter)
Phineas: I wonder if it worked.
(A short pause, then...)
Candace: (angrily) You guys are so busted, I'm telling Mom! (she leaves)
Ferb: You might consider bathing first.

Doofenshmirtz: I gotta get out of this! (hops around in vain trying to escape from the MP3 wire and accidentally hits a button on the panel of an -Inator with plants all over it. It fires) Gah! Oh, dear. My old Shrinkinator. (sighs) I suppose I should've unplugged it before I turned it into a planter.

(in the garage...)
Candace: (comes into the garage with an gleeful look on her face) Come on, Mom, hurry up! (at Phineas and Ferb) You're busted!
(The ray from the Shrinkinator hits the teleporter.)
Candace: (With her eyes closed) See?! see?! It's right there!!
Linda: (enters, wearing the blue dressed as mentioned earlier; smiles) Oh, my goodness. (Candace gets a shocked expression on her face; reveals the teleports have been shrunken by the Shrinkinator.)
Linda: Did you make these?
Phineas: (confused) Uh... yeah.
Linda: (gasps and holds them up to her ears) These are so much nicer than the ones I lost!
(A fly buzzes in one loop and gets zapped out the other by Linda's new "earrings".)
Phineas: Awesome!
Linda: (offscreen) Thanks, boys.
Candace: (jaw drops)
Linda: (at Candace, closing her mouth) Close your mouth, honey. You'll catch flies.
(Candace scowls as Linda walks out.)

End Credits[]

(Song: "Perry the Teenage Girl")
She's a semi-neurotic
Teenage girl of action
Dooby-dooby doo Ba dooby-dooby doo
She's a feisty little redhead with a platypus' brain

You best leave her alone
She's playing MP3s on her phone
And whenever she's around
You can hear the bad guys say
Doofenshmirtz: Great. Now I have this song stuck in my head.

She's Perry, Perry the teenage girl

Previous:
"Put That Putter Away"
Episode transcripts Next:
"Traffic Cam Caper"
v - e - dEpisode transcripts
Season 1
"Rollercoaster" | "Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror" | "Flop Starz" | "The Fast and the Phineas"
"Lights, Candace, Action!" | "Raging Bully" | "Candace Loses Her Head" | "I, Brobot"
"Run Away Runway" | "The Magnificent Few" | "S'Winter" | "Jerk De Soleil" | "Are You My Mummy?"
"Ready for the Bettys" | "I Scream, You Scream" | "Toy to the World" | "Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!"
"It's a Mud, Mud, Mud, Mud World" | "Mom's Birthday" | "Journey to the Center of Candace"
"It's About Time!" | "Dude, We're Getting the Band Back Together" | "Tree to Get Ready"
"The Ballad of Badbeard" | "Greece Lightning" | "Leave the Busting to Us!" | "Crack That Whip"
"The Best Lazy Day Ever" | "Boyfriend From 27,000 B.C." | "Voyage to the Bottom of Buford"
"A Hard Day's Knight" | "Traffic Cam Caper" | "Bowl-R-Ama Drama" | "Got Game?" | "Comet Kermillian"
"Put That Putter Away" | "Does This Duckbill Make Me Look Fat?" | "The Flying Fishmonger"
"One Good Scare Ought to Do It!" | "The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein" | "Oil on Candace"
"Out of Toon" | "Hail Doofania!" | "Out to Launch" | "Phineas and Ferb Get Busted!"
"Unfair Science Fair" | "Unfair Science Fair Redux (Another Story)"
Season 2
"The Lake Nose Monster" | "Interview With a Platypus" | "Tip of the Day" | "Attack of the 50 Foot Sister"
"Backyard Aquarium" | "Day of the Living Gelatin" | "Elementary My Dear Stacy" | "Don't Even Blink"
"Chez Platypus" | "Perry Lays an Egg" | "Gaming the System" | "The Chronicles of Meap"
"Thaddeus and Thor" | "De Plane! De Plane!" | "Let's Take a Quiz" | "At the Car Wash"
"Oh, There You Are, Perry" | "Swiss Family Phineas" | "Hide and Seek" | "That Sinking Feeling"
"The Baljeatles" | "Vanessassary Roughness" | "No More Bunny Business" | "Spa Day"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown" | "Phineas and Ferb's Quantum Boogaloo"
"Bubble Boys" | "Isabella and the Temple of Sap" | "Cheer Up Candace" | "Fireside Girl Jamboree"
"The Bully Code" | "Finding Mary McGuffin" | "Picture This" | "Nerdy Dancin'" | "What Do It Do?"
"Atlantis" | "Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation!" | "Just Passing Through" | "Candace's Big Day"
"I Was a Middle Aged Robot" | "Suddenly Suzy" | "Undercover Carl" | "Hip Hip Parade"
"Invasion of the Ferb Snatchers" | "Ain't No Kiddie Ride" | "Not Phineas and Ferb"
"Phineas and Ferb-Busters!" | "The Lizard Whisperer" | "Robot Rodeo" | "The Beak" | "She's the Mayor"
"The Lemonade Stand" | "Phineas and Ferb Hawaiian Vacation" | "Nerds of a Feather" | "Wizard of Odd"
"We Call it Maze" | "Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Max Modem!" | "The Secret of Success"
"The Doof Side of the Moon" | "Split Personality" | "Brain Drain" | "Rollercoaster: The Musical!"
"Make Play" | "Candace Gets Busted"
Season 3
"The Great Indoors" | "Canderemy" | "Run, Candace, Run" | "Last Train to Bustville"
"Phineas' Birthday Clip-O-Rama!" | "The Belly of the Beast" | "Moon Farm" | "Ask a Foolish Question"
"Misperceived Monotreme" | "Candace Disconnected" | "Magic Carpet Ride" | "Bad Hair Day"
"Meatloaf Surprise" | "Phineas and Ferb Interrupted" | "A Real Boy" | "Mommy Can You Hear Me?"
"Road Trip" | "Tour de Ferb" | "Skiddley Whiffers" | "My Fair Goalie" | "Bullseye!" | "That's the Spirit"
"The Curse of Candace" | "Escape from Phineas Tower" | "Lotsa Latkes" | "Ferb Latin"
"A Phineas and Ferb Family Christmas" | "Tri-Stone Area" | "Doof Dynasty" | "Excaliferb"
"Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon" | "Monster from the Id" | "Gi-Ants"
"The Remains of the Platypus" | "Mom's in the House" | "Perry The Actorpus" | "Let's Bounce"
"Bully Bromance Breakup" | "Quietest Day Ever" | "‎‎The Doonkelberry Imperative" | "Meapless in Seattle"
"Delivery of Destiny" | "Buford Confidential" | "The Mom Attractor" | "Cranius Maximus" | "Agent Doof"
"Minor Monogram" | "What A Croc!" | "Sleepwalk Surprise" | "Sci-Fi Pie Fly" | "Sipping with the Enemy"
"Tri-State Treasure: Boot of Secrets" | "Doofapus" | "Norm Unleashed" | "Where's Perry?"
"Where's Perry? (Part Two)" | "Ferb TV" | "When Worlds Collide" | "What'd I Miss?" | "Road to Danville"
"This Is Your Backstory" | "Blackout!"
Season 4
"For Your Ice Only" | "Happy New Year!" | "Fly On the Wall" | "Bully Bust" | "My Sweet Ride"
"Der Kinderlumper" | "Sidetracked" | "Primal Perry" | "Mind Share" | "Backyard Hodge Podge"
"Bee Day" | "Bee Story" | "Great Balls Of Water" | "Where's Pinky?"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown Hosted by Kelly Osbourne"
"Knot My Problem" | "Just Desserts" | "La Candace-Cabra" | "Happy Birthday, Isabella"
"Love at First Byte" | "One Good Turn" | "Thanks But No Thanks" | "Troy Story" | "Druselsteinoween"
"Terrifying Tri-State Trilogy of Terror" | "Face Your Fear" | "Cheers for Fears" | "Steampunx"
"Just Our Luck" | "Return Policy" | "Live and Let Drive" | "Father's Day" | "Imperfect Storm"
"The Return of the Rogue Rabbit" | "It's No Picnic" | "The Klimpaloon Ultimatum"
"Operation Crumb Cake" | "Mandace" | "Lost in Danville" | "The Inator Method"
"Tales from the Resistance: Back to the 2nd Dimension" | "Doof 101" | "Act Your Age"
Season 5
"Summer Block Buster" | "Cloudy with a Chance of Mom" | "Appetite for Adventure" | "License to Bust"
"Dry Another Day" | "Deconstructing Doof" | "Tropey McTropeface" | "Biblio-Blast!" | "A Chip to the Vet"
"More Than an Intern" | "The Aurora Perry-Alis" | "Agent T (For Teen)" | "The Haberdasher"
"The Candace Suit" | "Out of Character" | "Meap Me in St. Louis"
Specials
Original Pitch | "Phineas and Ferb: Summer Belongs to You!" | "Phineas and Ferb: Mission Marvel"
"Phineas and Ferb Save Summer" | "Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars" | "Night of the Living Pharmacists"
"Last Day of Summer" | "O.W.C.A. Files" | "The Phineas and Ferb Effect"
Films
Across the 2nd Dimension | Candace Against the Universe
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