One Good Scare Ought to Do It!/Transcript

Part I
Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house.

Candace: Hello. Is this the Johnson residence? I'd like to speak to Jeremy Johnson. This is Candace Flynn. Why am I calling, you ask? Because I have a question about our algebra assignment. Thank you, I'll hold. Okay, okay, let's see... opening jokes, opening jokes. Hey, there, Jeremy! This is Candace Flynn. So what do you get when you cross a yak and a martian?

Linda: Honey, can I interrupt for just a sec?

Candace: Why, Jeremy Johnson, did you just call me "Honey"?

Linda: No, Candace. I just want to tell you I'm off to my book club. I left the phone number on the fridge in case of emergency. And Candace, honey...

Candace: Yes, Mom?

Linda: I hope you're not planning on talking to that banana all afternoon.

Phineas: Ladies and Platypuses, introducing the latest party craze to sweep the nation: The amazing mariachi tree!

[Mariachi music]

[Song distorts, Crashing]

[Mariachi band members groaning]

I think the lesson here is never drink so much chocolate milk before planning our day's activity. [At Mariachi band] Bye, guys! Sorry. Good work there, though. There's that smile, Arturo. Gracias.

Isabella: Hi, Phineas.

Phineas: Oh. Hi, Isabella.

Isabella: Whatcha do-- [Hiccups]

Phineas: Are you okay?

Isabella: Yeah. I just came by to see whatcha do-- [Hiccups] --ing.

Phineas: Wow. That's a bad case of hiccups you got there.

Isabella: I know. They're driving me crazy. [Hiccups]

Phineas: Not to fear, Isabella. Ferb and I will help you cure your hiccups.

Isabella: [Hiccups]

Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?

Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is on the move. We tracked him to these coordinates when we suddenly lost his signal. We have 2 scenarios to explain his disappearance. First, that magical elves have caused Dr. Doofenshmirtz to vanish to the land of angry corn people. The second, is that he may be on his secret, hideout-shaped island with the initial "D" carved into it that satellites found in the exact, spot, where he... vanished... uh, you know what? Uh, forget the magical elves thing. I'm way off base with that. Anyway, on your way, Agent P.

(Song: Perry the Platypus Theme extended)

Doo be doo be doo ba (X4)

Perry!

He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action

Doo be doo be doo ba, doo be doo be doo ba

He's a furry little flatfoot, that never flinch from a fray-ay-ay!

He's got more that just mad skill, he's got a beaver tail and a bill

And the women swoon whenever the hear him say

[Perry chatters, women faint]

He's Perry, Perry the Platypus!

Major Monogram: You can call him Agent P.

Perry!

Major Monogram: I said you can call him Agent P.

Agent P!

Phineas: Okay, Isabella. The best way to cure the hiccups is to scare them away. So what scares you?

Isabella: Hmm... [Hiccups] Well, there was this haunted house at the state fair-- [Hiccups] That was pretty scary.

Phineas: That's it! Ferb and I are gonna make you the scariest haunted house ever! [Organ] Zombies, werewolves, and ghosts, and vampires, and witches!

Candace: [Clears throat]

Phineas: Oh, hey, Candace.

Candace: Phineas! The only way you're building a haunted house in this backyard is over my dead body.

Phineas: [Deep voice] That's the idea! Blah!

Candace: That's it, you little psycho! I'm calling Mom! [Door slams] And I am not using the banana this time! [Door slams]

Phineas: You guys heard that, right? It wasn't just me?

Candace: Build a haunted house, my foot! [Phone dialing] They're so busted. Yes, hello. This is an emergency. I'd like to speak to Linda Flynn. To whom am I presently speaking?

Jeremy: Uh, Jeremy, that's whom.

Candace: J-J-Jeremy? [Stammers] Jeremy Who?

Jeremy: Jeremy Johnson. My Mom's hosting a book club today, who is this?

Candace: We seem to be breaking up. I-I'm going into a tunnel! [Indistinct] I-- ¡No habla español!

[Dial tone]

Doofenshmirtz's hideout-shaped island!

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus here? How could this be? [Gasps] I'm shocked. I mean, it would have taken a total evil mastermind to have guessed that you'd track me to this point, find the secret hide-out, glide in under the radar, and infiltarte through this access vent, make your way over to this crate, activating my automatic arm and leg restraints. Oh, right here, this is the part where I get all sarcastic and pretend you surprised me. "Oh, Perry the Platypus, how? What the? Who the? Who the? Oh!" Finally ending here when I finish showing you my brilliant plan. You see, Perry the Platypus, this secret hideout doesn't actually belong to me. It belonged to my mentor; Professor Destructicon. Kevin to his friends. [Boing, Glass smashing] Sadly he was just captured in the midst of his latest plan; To set fire to the sun. [Ominous music] Redundant perhaps, but before they locked him away, Kevin asked a favor of me. To prevent them from discovering his hidden lair and all its secrets, would I please set fire to the sun? [Ominous music] And I was like, "Dude, you really gotta let that one go." It's-- it's a ball of fire. It makes no sense. So he asked me instead to simply destroy his hide-out, which I will now do, using my new Disintevaporator. [Clears throat; Dramatic music] and you, Perry the Platypus, will now be disintevaporated along with it! [Laughs maniacally]

Candace: Okay, just breathe and relax. [Sighs] Let's try this again. Hi. Uh, Linda Flynn, please. But if she's too busy, uh, then maybe there's someone else who can deliver her a message, maybe someone in their teens.

Girl: Uh, who is this?

Candace: This is Candace. Candace Flynn. And who is this?

Suzy: I'm Suzy, Jeremy's little sister.

Candace: Well, it is such a pleasure to meet you on the--

Suzy: You called for Jeremy, didn't you?

Candace: Jeremy? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Suzy: You say you want your Mom, but you want Jeremy. Isn't that right?

Candace: That's not true.

Suzy: I'm sorry, [Paper crinkling] We seem to be breaking up.

Candace: Stop crinkling paper! I know that trick!

Suzy: Bye bye.

Candace: Wait, wait, wait! It's true. I want to speak to Jeremy.

Suzy: I thought so. [At Jeremy] Jeremy, some girl's on the phone for you! [At Phone] But never, ever forget, I am, and always will be Jeremy's favorite girl. Got it?

Candace: Mmm-hmm. Yes.

Jeremy: I got it, my favorite girl. [At Phone] Jeremy here.

Candace: [Gasps] Jeremy!

Jeremy: Candace?

Candace: Uh, yeah, yeah, it's me. [Giggling]

Jeremy: Hey, you know, your mom's over here for the book club.

Candace: Oh, yeah. Well, I just have this silly question to ask her.

Jeremy: Well, they're breaking for coffee. [Jazz music] Wanna come over? We can hang out.

Candace: [Screams]

Phineas: That was great, Ferb. But you should really save those screams when the house is up and running.

Candace: Uh, I-- I mean, sure.

Jeremy: Cool. See you in about 20 minutes? [Hangs up]

Candace: [Faints]

Doofenshmirtz: Now I'll just load up a few things that Professor Destructicon let me store here. If there's one thing Kevin understood, it was closet space. Now, I'll just, uh, grab my keys to the escape jet, and, uh... Hmm. I could've sworn I put them in my lab coat. Oh, they're probably over here on the computer console... No. Ah, the kitchen. Hello? Keys? [Laughs] This is a little bit awkward, but have you seen my escape jet keys?

[Perry nods]

What? You have? Well, that's great! Where are they? You won't tell me? Is this because you don't speak, or are you just being a jerk?

Candace: Oh, I can't believe it. I'm finally going to Jeremy's house. Okay, now, what would the perfect look be? [Gasps] I know. Girl next door meets pop diva meets Hollywood bad girl crossed with an old school glamor goddess! [Crash] Now I just gotta find the finishing touch. Hey, boys! I'm off to the Johnson's book club. Jeremy invited me over.

Phineas: Uh, when you see Mom, could you tell her some snakes got lost in the house?

[Blade sharpener stops]

Candace: Okay! you boys have fun. See ya!

Phineas: Okay, troops. Thanks for coming on such short notice. Buford, I know this is cutting into your canasta game.

Buford: This better be good, pointy.

Phineas: Oh, it is. Isabella has been cursed!

[Everyone gasps]

With hiccups!

[Everyone moans]

Worse case I've ever seen. We're building this haunted house to scare the hiccups out of her. To do so, we must dig deep into those places any sane man shoves into the darkest, twisted corners of his mind. Each of you must find out which scares you the most. As you can see, today we're building a haunted house, electronically controlled by this giant organ. Every room is monitored on this screen. And by playing the keys... [Organ plays, Pop] I can trigger all sorts of surprises. So with your help, my friends, we can build this house with enough horror to destroy the involuntary contraction of Isabella's diaphragm muscle once and for all! [Applause] Oh, there you are, Ferb. [At Crowd] Okay, people, let's get our scare on.

Doofenshmirtz's mentor's hideout!

Doofenshmirtz: Am I getting warmer? Hmm? [Laughs] The sofa. My keys fell between the cushions, right? Uh, no. Oh, come on! I defeated you fair and square, Perry the Platypus! Why can't you accept your death with dignity and maturity and play "You're getting hot and cold" with me? Fine, be that way. I'll find my keys myself and teach you the meaning of grace under fire. [Disintevaporator beeps] Please! I'll do anything! Oh, for the love of Great Caesar's ghost, what would you have me do? [Circus music] [Humming, screaming]

(Song: Candace (Who's That Girl))

La, la, la, la, la (X2)

Yeah

Who's That Girl going down the street?

It's Candace (Candace)

She's the girl next door who's a pop diva by day and a Hollywood bad girl by night crossed by an old school glamor goddess I'd like to meet

It's Candace (Candace)

La, la, la, la, la (X3)

La, la, la, la

[Ominous music]

Dog: [Barking; Chomp]

Candace: [Screams] Oh, help! Somebody! Oh, get it off me! These are designer jeans. Wait, what are you doing? [Handle squeaking]

[Screams; Dog barking]

No, no! Ah! My hair! Help! No-- [Splat] Huh?

Suzy: [Laughing maniacally]

[Beeping]

[Mud splashing; Screams]

Why are you doing this to me?

[Laughing maniacally]

Jeremy: Suzy? What's going on out here? [At Candace] Candace?

Candace: Oh, uh, hi, Jeremy.

Suzy: Upsies!

Candace: Wait, no! Don't pick her up! She's evil! Evil! Can't you see? She's out to get me! She's out to get me! Jeremy: [Laughs] What are you talking about? Little Suzy wouldn't hurt a fly.

Suzy: [Giggles] Ba-ba.

Candace: No! She's trying to get rid of me! Can't you see? I can't take it!

Jeremy: Wait, Candace!

Candace: No! If you can't see it, I should leave while I still have a shred of dignity left.

Jeremy: Candace, come back!

Suzy: Bye bye!

Isabella: Hi, Phineas. Whatcha do-- Ph-- Phineas? [Hiccups, Bell tolls, Wind blowing, Howling, Bats squeaking, Roaring]

[Screams]

Part II
Scene opens up showing the top of the haunted house.

[Bats squeaking, Dogs barking, Roaring]

Isabella: [Hiccups] Darn. It didn't work, Phineas. What else you got?

Phineas: Oh, we've got plenty, if you're up for it.

Isabella: I-- [Hiccups] Guess so.

[Organ]

(Song: One Good Scare)

Phineas: Come, let's tiptoe into the dark

One Good Scare ought to do ya

You'll find our bite much worse than our bark

[Howling]

One Good Scare ought to do ya some good

If you should find the daily grind, a tad bit taxing on the mind

To help unwind, if so inclined

I have a small suggestion

That if you dare into my lair, you should prepare for quite a scare!

Well, will you share in this nightmare with me, my only question

Baljeet: Boo! Boo, I say.

Phineas: Baljeet?

Baljeet: Oh, I am not Baljeet. I am the scariest thing known to man, a failed math test.

Phineas: Yeah, right. We're just gonna move on now.

Baljeet: You can run, but it won't be to the college of your choice, I tell you!

Phineas: If your hair lies lifeless and limp

One Good Scare ought to do ya

[Screaming]

Come with me, now, don't be a wimp!

One little scare ought to do ya some good

Hello? Buford?

Buford: Behold; The face of evil.

Phineas: Buford, are you supposed to be Jeremy's little sister? You said you were gonna be something scary!

Buford: She is scary, man. She gives me the willies.

[Song stops]

Phineas: Little Suzy Johnson gives you the willies?

Buford: You don't know, man. You don't know.

Phineas: Uh, we'll catch up with you later, okay?

Buford: Wash away the horror. Wash away the horror.

[Song continues; Bats squeaking]

Phineas: That is quite right, I would delight in taking flight into the night!

If I may give you such a fright, you know I surely would

But if I seem a bit extreme in my attempts to make you scream

Remember this spooky scheme will cure your hiccups for good

One little (X4)

One little scare ought to do you some good

Ferb: [Laughs maniacally]

Phineas: So, Isabella, did it work?

Isabella: [Hiccups]

Phineas: I was afraid she would say that. Well, there's one more thing we would try.

Candace: [Panting] What the-?

Dog: [Whimpers; Yipping]

Candace: What the-? I don't believe this.

Doofenshmirtz: Let me get this straight. If I set you free, you'll give me the keys, right?

[Perry nods]

Oh, for Pete's sake, why didn't you say that, like, an hour ago?

[Arm and leg restraints unlock]

Oh, look, they we're under your cute, little platypus foot the whole time. [Laughs] Hurry, open, open, open. Now I grab my stuff. Hurry, hurry, hurry, must hurry. Seat belt, and ignition! [Engine whirring] Whew! That was close! [Laughs] Now, let's just make sure I didn't forget anything in my haste. I got my old basketball, the lamp, Christmas lights, the umbrella, Perry the Platypus, the Disintevaporator, my golf clu-- Perry the Platypus?! The Disintevaporator?! My golf clubs?! I don't even play golf! Oof! [Punches landing, Screaming, Laughs] How do you like it, huh? Agh! Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Time, time, time. I got a hair caught in my mouth. Blagh. [Grunting, Laughs, Alarm beeping] Since you saved me of opening the hatch, let me show you out!

[Organ, Bats squeaking]

Candace: Those two are in such big trouble.

Phineas: Okay, Ferb, raise the antenna. Let's see if we can up the scariness factor. You see, our haunted house is powered by static electricity. Maybe we can get a lightning strike to fire things up.

Candace: [Echoing] Um, hello? Phineas? Ferb? You two are in big trouble? [Door slams, Wind blowing] Okay, you guys, stop fooling around. You guys better come out now. I'm getting really mad. [Skeleton cracking] What was that? [Screaming, Hissing]

[Giggling]

Milly/Ginger/Gretchen: Yeah!

Door: [Screams]

Candace: [Screams] Stay away from me! [Panting]

Vampire: [Transylvanian accent] Good evening. It is evening, isn't it?

Candace: [Screams]

[Bats squeaking]

(Baby cooing)

[Bones scattering]

[Screams]

[Bats squeaking, Lightning zapping]

Phineas: Whoa, whoa, whoa, too much, Ferb! Too much! Watch out!

[Lightning zapping]

Candace: [Screams]

[Dogs yipping, Spiders dropping]

Baljeet/Buford: [Grunts]

Candace: Huh? [Screams]

Baljeet/Buford: [Screams]

Candace: [Screams]

Baljeet/Buford: [Screams]

Candace: [Screams]

Buford: [Screams]

Candace: [Screams]

[Swords, spears, and arrows shooting]

[Screams]

Phineas: Candace?

Candace: Phineas? When Mom sees that you've built a haunted house with werewolves and vampires and a Giant Floating Baby Head, what's that even about?

[Baby cooing]

Not now!

[Baby crying]

And then there was a giant Jack-In-The-Box with a suit of armor that nearly took my head off, and you-- you just drive me crazy! When I tell Mom what you've been doing, you are going down! Down, down, down!

Phineas: Isn't there any chance that that cured your hiccups?

Isabella: [Hiccups]

[Elevator bell]

[Baby cooing]

Candace: Would you get out of here?!

[Baby crying]

Mom's home. Perfect! Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Wait till you see what Phineas and Ferb have done!

[Haunted house cracking]

Phineas: What's happening? Uh, guys? A little help...! Isabella: Phineas!

Phineas: [Screams]

Isabella: Quick, everyone! Sashes!

[Sashes whipping]

Fireside Girls: Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

'Isabella: Now that was scary. Hey, my hiccups are gone!

Ferb: [Ding]

Candace: See? Absolute terror! These little creeps have destroyed our backyard, leaving this ugly mess in it's place.

Linda: Hi, Baljeet. [At Candace] That wasn't very nice, Candace.

Doofenshmirtz: Here you go, Perry the Platypus. Enjoy your disintevaporation!

[Thud]

Candace: [Giggling] It's back! Mom, it's back!

[Disintevaporator beeping, Whirring; Zapping]

It's back! I told you, it's returned.

Baljeet: Oh, excuse me, I forgot my satchel.

Linda: Goodbye, Candace. [Door slams]

Isabella: What's the matter?

Candace: Phineas and Ferb are the matter. This day was ruined and I didn't get to hang out with Jeremy.

Isabella: Sorry, but you know, it was the best day for me. Due to my incurable case of hiccups, I spent an entire day showered with undivided attention from Phineas. It was wonderful.

Candace: Hiccups?

Jeremy: Hey, Candace. You ran away so quickly, we didn't get a chance to--

Candace: [Hiccups]

Jeremy: Sounds like you got a bad case of the hiccups.

Candace: [Hiccups]

Jeremy: Here, come on. Let's see what we can do about that. I got a glass of water with your name on it.

Candace: [Hisses]

Suzy: What? What did I do?

Buford: [Laughs] I'll, um, I- I'll, just uh, go.

[Ominous music]

Phineas: That was a great day, Ferb. What do you think the scariest thing was?

Ferb: Definitely the Giant Floating Baby Head.

Phineas: Yeah. [Rock theme; Stops] Yeah, where did that come from?

[Ferb shrugs]

[Rock theme continues]

Credits roll

(Song: One Good Scare)

Phineas: That is quite right, I would delight in taking flight into the night!

If I may give you such a fright, you know I surely would

But if I seem a bit extreme in my attempts to make you scream

Remember this spooky scheme will cure your hiccups for good

One little (X4)

One little scare ought to do you some good

Ferb: [Laughs maniacally]

Isabella: [Hiccups] Darn.