Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars/Transcript

Act 1
(Opens on a space sky. Onscreen text: A couple summers ago in a galaxy far far away...) (The Star Wars theme plays as the show's logo and title zoom away from the camera. The movie's opening crawl begins.) Narrator: Episode IVa: "May The Ferb Be With You". On the Desert planet of Tatooine lived two happy young moisture farmers...

Male Director: Uh, uh, can -- can -- excuse me, can you do it faster? Narrator: What? What? (The crawl stops.) Faster? Male Director: Yeah, and funnier, if possible. Narrator: Oh, faster? Okay. (The crawl reverses.) Um...all right, uh... (inhales) (The crawl starts playing again.) Narrator: (faster, in the matter of Doofenshmirtz) Episode IVa: "May The Ferb Be With You". On the Desert planet of Tatooine...

Male Directors:  Uhm uh, yeah, yeah, no, no. (The crawl stops again.) Narrator: (normal voice) What? What? Male Director: Forget the funnier. Male Director 2: Yeah, just go faster. (The crawl reverses again.) Narrator: All right... (The crawl plays once more.) Narrator: Episode IVa: "May The Ferb Be With You". On the Desert planet of Tatooine lived two happy young moisture farmers, who had absolutely no plans of leaving or getting involved in any kind of intergalactic shenanigans. Unbeknownst to them the Galactic Empire had recently finished constructing its ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR. Bum-bum-bum! Male Director 1: (laughs) Sounds creepy like that. Male Director 2: That's good, I like it. Narrator: Thanks. Yeah, it was capitalized. (reading) Meanwhile, having learned the whereabouts of the Death Star's plans, the rebels send their best platypus agent to obtain them, in hopes of finding a weakness. And none of this is canon, so just relax. (The crawl rolls up like a projector screen.)

Star Wars Guy: (?) five-eight-two, I'm gonna need you to run these numbers again.

Act 2
Stormtrooper Candace: Finally, some real rebel-busting. (takes off her mask) This is why I joined the empire in the first place.

Stormtrooper Baljeet: I am so excited. I can hardly contain myself.

Stormtrooper Buford: I told you to go before the raid.

Stormtrooper Baljeet: That is not what I meant.

Act 7
C-3PO: Now I'm taking another oil bath. And I don't want to be disturbed. (goes down an elevator platform) Ahhh.

Phineas: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!

Lawrence: Hello, boys! You're just in time for lunch.

Linda: Don't you boys ever want to see the rest of the galaxy?

Phineas: Not really. We've got everything we want right here on Tatooine.

Major Hologram: Stop Darthenshmirtz.

Darthenshmirtz: Oh, Darth Vader! Hey, I know that guy!

Norm-3PO: The Force surrounds us. It penetrates us. It binds the galaxy toget—

Darthenshmirtz: Yeah, I've seen the bumper sticker.

Phineas: Hey, Luke!

Luke: Phineas! Ferb! What's up, guys?

(Stormtrooper Buford's laser goes off.)

Stormtrooper Buford: Whoopsie!

C-3PO: Oh no. I'm going to regret this.

(Song: In the Empire)

Stormtrooper Candace: Ever since I was young, you know, I hated inventions...

I don't know but I've been told,

The rebels need to be controlled

We'll round them up and put them all in stocks,

But first we got to get Darth Vader's socks.

It's so not fair!

I mean, why am I still outside...

C-3PO: Now don't you forget this. Why I should stick my neck out for you is quite beyond my capacity.

Stormtrooper Candace: You guys are so busted!

Phineas: Uh-oh!

R2-D2: [beeps]

Phineas: Hello, little fella. What's a droid like you doing out in the [indistinct] waste?

Princess Leia hologram: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Phineas: Whoa!

R2-D2: [screams]

Darthenshmirtz: Alright, someone's getting a lightsabering now! Oh, it's, uh, just a flashlight. (holds flashlight under his chin) Ooh, ooh, look, I'm scary—Oh, whatever.

Phineas: We heard it said you're a pretty good pilot.

Pilot Isabella: For a price.

Pilot Isabella: We gotta get outta here!

Pilot Isabella: Well, this had better work or you two are floating home!

Phineas: I don't think we can float all the way home. I mean, we wouldn't survive 15 seconds in the cold vacuum of spa—

Pilot Isabella: It's a figure of speech!

Darthenshmirtz: ...evil with my Sith-inator here, but first, I'm gonna shoot you just to make sure it's safe and, uh, y'know, I don't...die or fry myself and have to wear one of those masks like Vader, cuz that would not be a good look for me.

(Cut to Ferb who is peeking in.)

Darthenshmirtz: (offscreen) Eh, y'know, plus, if it works, you can join me on the Dark Side. We can be Sith buddies! Whadaya think? Huh? (activates the inator)

(Ferb walks into the room and accidentally gets zapped.)

Ferb: [yells in pain]

Darthenshmirtz: Hold on. Wait a minute. Wait...what...who let a kid in here?! Hey, buddy, you okay? (to Perry) Yeah, he's gonna have a headache, but with any luck, he's gonna be so evil when he gets on his feet. Oh, great, I-I-I used up all the Force on this guy. Hey, Norm, grab the trash can. We gotta go refuel. Wait right here, Perry the Rebelpus. We'll be right back to turn you to the Dark Side, too, and then you, me, and...this kid in the cloak, I guess, can be the Three Sith-keteers!

Norm-3PO: Who can I be, sir?

Darthenshmirtz: You can be the horse. C'mon, let's go. We gotta get some more of that super-Force-y-Vader trash. I know just where to look.

(As soon as Doof and Norm-3PO leave, Ferb gets up revealing his yellow eyes as he looks at the inator.)

Stormtrooper Candace: Aaaaaah! Help!

Stormtrooper Candace: We're the good guys, right?

Stormtrooper Baljeet: Yes, I believe so.

Stormtrooper Buford: That's what they told us durin' the brainwashin'.

Phineas: Ferb?

Phineas: Whoa, Ferb, what are you doing?