There's a Platypus Controlling Me

 is a rap song performed by Heinz Doofenshmirtz and the goth teens at the junkyard party near the ending of "Brain Drain". Through most of the song, Doofenshmirtz was trying to notify his audience that it wasn't him scratching the vinyl records his hands were glued to, but that it was a platypus manipulating him to do so. However, most of them perceived this as a metaphor and jumped into the music.

Lyrics
Vanessa: Dad?

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hi, Vanessa!

Vanessa: Dad, what are you doing?

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Well I'll be honest, I don't really understand

But I fell down this hill now I got glue on my hands

And I got records on my fingers

Teens: Whaaat?

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Records on my fingers

I got records on my fingers and I just can't stop

Teens: Don't stop

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I can't stop, I got a platypus controlling me

Teens: Whaaat?

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I got a platypus controlling me

Now let me sum it up

It was a strange set of circumstances

Teens: Strange set of circumstances

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I fell down the hill, I got glue on my hands,

now I got records on my fingers and I just can't stop

Teens: Don't stop! Don't stop!

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Well I would if I was able

There's a Platypus Controlling Me, he's underneath the table

Teens: There's a platypus controlling him- WHAAAT?

Teen: Oh I get it, platypus is a metaphor for whatever is keeping you down!

Teens: Like corporations are a platypus

The government's a platypus

Your teacher is a platypus

Weird Teen: My teacher is a panda

Teens: Society's a platypus

My parents are a platypus

The media's a platypus

It's all just propaganda

Yeah we've all got a platypus controlling us

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: No, just me

Teens: We've all got a platypus controlling us

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I'd stop if I was able

Teens: We've all got a platypus controlling us

Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I'm not speaking metaphorically

the platypus controlling me is underneath the table

''Wait! Oh wait, no, he's gone!''

Heyyy! There's no platypus controlling me.

There's no platypus controlling me!

Background information

 * This song is included in Phineas and Ferb: Across 1st and 2nd Dimensions.
 * This song was one of the few songs written into the original story (by Martin Olson), where Doof "raps" his explanation of why he's there to Vanessa and her friends.
 * A panda is mentioned, possibly referencing Peter the Panda. ("It's About Time!", "Robot Rodeo")
 * For the second time, people completely fail to understand that what is being said is literal rather than metaphoric. The first time this has happened was in "She's the Mayor".
 * The person saying that his teacher is a panda was in the bully crowd running after Candace in Go Candace.

Continuity

 * At Comic-Con 2012, moderator Damon Lindelof introduced Dee Bradley Baker as the man who voices "the platypus controlling us all."

Songwriters

 * Dan Povenmire
 * Martin Olson
 * Jeff "Swampy" Marsh

BMI Work #13133443