Unfair Science Fair/Transcript

(Scene opens up showing a laptop with the words "What Should we do Today?" on its screen.)

Phineas: What should we do today? (First slide appears) Build an underwater skate park? Sounds pretty wicked! (Second slide appears) Fly with rocket-powered bat wings? Awesome! (Third slide appears) Teach Perry tricks. (He and Ferb looks at Perry) He's just a platypus. He doesn't do much.

(Perry chatters)

Phineas: Oh, hi, Isabella.

Isabella: Hey, Phineas. You might wanna go check up on Baljeet. I was walking by his house and heard him scream... "Aiiieeee!!! I'm doomed to be an incompetent flunky forever... ever, ever..." I added the echo part.

Phineas: Sounds pretty serious.

(Scene changes to the exterior of Baljeet's house...)

Phineas: Baljeet! It's Phineas and Ferb. (Opens door to Baljeet's room) Why are all the lights off?

Baljeet: Darkness is a shroud that hides my shame.

Phineas: (Turns on light switch) Hey, buddy. Why don't you tell you what's goin' on?

Baljeet: Because of the 17 summer school classes I am taking, I qualified for the science fair. So I decided to design this.

Phineas: (Takes blueprint; he and Ferb holds it up) A portal to Mars? Cool!

Baljeet: No! Not cool. (Grabs blueprint; rolls it up) When I showed my teacher, he said...

(Flashback)

Male Teacher: A portal to Mars? And what does it do?

Baljeet: Well, without over-complicating things, it's a portal to Mars. You step through it and you're on Mars.

Male Teacher: Well, this is very... creative. But, unless you can build a working model, the best I can give you is...

(Flashback ends)

Baljeet: An A-minus?! That would be the worst grade of my life!

Phineas: Why don't you just build one?

Baljeet: I am not mechanically inclined like the two of you. To truly understand my predicament, I feel it will be best expressed in a song. (Claps hands twice)

(Song: Baliwood)

Baljeet: From the mountains of the Himalayas,

To the valleys of Kashmir.

My forefathers and their four fathers

knew one thing very clear:

That to be a great success in life,

you have to make the grade.

But if I cannot build a prototype,

my dreams will be puréed...

Phineas, Ferb, Baljeet: Puréed! Puréed!

Phineas: I know what we are going to do today!

Ferb and I are on the case!

We'll help you build your prototype,

You won't be a disgrace!

Baljeet: Good! With your mechanical inclinations,

and my scientific expertise,

we are a team that can not be beaten--

Phineas: Wait, something just occurred to me,

Where's Perrrrry?

Where's Perrrrry?

Baljeet: Did you have him when you came over?

(Scene switches to the interior of the Flynn-Fletcher house...)

Do-be-do-be-do...

(Record scratching)

Major Monogram: Oh... Uh... Agent P. (Clears throat) It appears that Doofenshmirtz has made some rather unusual purchases: Chicken wire, three metric tons of baking soda and lederhosen. Those leather bib-front shorts that make you look like a walking cuckoo clock? (Pauses) Man, he is one sick puppy.

(Scene switches to Baljeet's room...)

(Montage; Indian music plays in background)

Phineas: You're all set for the science fair tomorrow.

Baljeet: Inside I am thanking you a thousand times, even though on the outside I remain quite frugal.

(Scene switches to the next morning at the Googolplex Mall...)

Phineas: Wow, Baljeet, you're already set up.

Baljeet: (With a wide smile "frozen" on his face) I have been here since midnight waiting for everyone! I can't stop smiling! I have got cramps in my cheeks.

Phineas: Here, let me help you. .... There ya go, buddy.

Baljeet: Aah... Now I'll just hang out and "be cool" till my teacher gets here. (Wide smile appears on his face) Uh-oh... It is happening again!

(Scene switches to Candace, who's spying on Jeremy via a pair of binoculars...)

Candace: Oh, yeah, Jeremy, no one makes a corn dog like you.

Jeremy: Oh, hi, Candace. Nice binoculars.

Candace: (Chuckling nervously) Yep. Yep, they definitely are working. I... I... just bought these for my dad and was just... uh, you know, making sure that they work, and they sure do. You can see really far away or really up close. (Notices poster on counter) "Help wanted"?

Jeremy: Yeah! You should apply. We could work together.

Candace: You mean side by side?

Wendy: Hi, there. I'm really really motivated, really really positive, really really high-energy, and would like to apply for the job.

Candace: Excuse me, I'd also like to apply for the job.

Manager: Ladies, I'm afraid I only have one opening. How about a competition to see who gets the job?

Wendy: Sounds like a great idea to me. (To Candace) Good luck. (Extends hand; quickly takes it away) Ooh, too slow. I think I'll call you Molasses.

Candace: Molasses. Well, I think I'll call you something... slower than molasses, that's for sure.

(The manager and Jeremy stares at Candace.)

Candace: This isn't part of the competition, is it?

(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz driving a truck into the parking garage... with Perry following him on a jet pack.)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Perry the Platypus, welcome to my truck of doom. (Stops truck; Pushes a button)

(Perry gets trapped in a car seat)

Doofenshmirtz: I suppose you're wondering why I'm wearing lederhosen. (Pauses; Perry glares at him) What? I've the legs for it. (Stretches right leg on dashboard) Eh? Eh? Eh? (Lowers right leg) Anyway, it will all become clear soon enough.

Woman: (Growling, low-voice) Come on, Hansel! Move it.

(Honking)

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, wise guy, I'm just explaining... Oh! (Chuckling) Sorry, madam, sorry. (To Perry) Her voice was so masculine and growly. I thought it was a man.

(A woman appears with a scowl on her face.)

Doofenshmirtz: I mean, people must call her "sir" all the time on the phone. It must be so em... (Laughs) She's standing right behind me now, isn't she?

(The woman raises a fist; the screen goes black.)

Doofenshmirtz: Not one word, Perry the Platypus.

(Scene switches to a close-up view of the Googolplex Mall sign...)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great! The line's long! (To a boy) Oh, brother! What is this, a model of Pluto? (Laughs) That planet doesn't even exist anymore, you moron!

Male teen: Thanks for holding my spot in line, little brother. (To Doofenshmirtz) What were you saying about Pluto?

Doofenshmirtz: Nothing. I'm sure it's...

(The screen goes black again)

Doofenshmirtz: (Groans; pulls model of Pluto off his head) I suppose you are wondering why I am putting myself through all of this.

(Flashback)

(Voice over) When I was young, I entered a science fair with my very first Inator. I... I... wasn't very clever with names yet. It was just, you know, Inator. Just as I was about to demonstrate my invention to the judges, a kid with a baking soda volcano stole the show! The next year, I tried again with my even bigger Inator, and again my thunder was stolen by a baking soda volcano. I'd had enough of science. I decided to devote my life to poetry instead.

Young Adult Doofenshmirtz: The movies are gray/The TV is black/The horses are running/Please bring me some food.

Doofenshmirtz: (Voice over) Yet, curiously, I still lost to a baking soda volcano!

(Flashback ends)

But never again. Behold! (Removes tarp) The world's largest baking soda volcano! I mean, it's got to be the biggest one here, right? It's gonna win. (Pauses) I feel confident.

Elderly man: Next!

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, we're next.

Elderly man: Aren't you a little old to be entering this science fair?

Doofenshmirtz: No! What makes you say that? I mean, look at me. I'm wearing lederhosen.

Elderly man: (Pauses) Ok. Go ahead.

Doofenshmirtz: (Chuckles; to Perry) See? I know what I'm doing.

(Perry glares)

(Scene switches to Mr. McGillicuddy, Baljeet, Phineas, and Ferb standing in front of the portal)

Baljeet: (Cheerfully) Hi, Mr. McGillicuddy!

Mr. McGillicuddy: Well, I see you've built yourself a prototype, but the question still remains: Does... it... work?

Baljeet: Well, I think...

Phineas: Of course it works. Baljeet, fire it up.

(Baljeet pulls a lever, activating the portal.)

Mr. McGillicuddy: Ok, so I see science fair.

Baljeet: Take a closer look, Mr. McGillicuddy.

Mr. McGillicuddy: Wow! A science fair on Mars! .... Baljeet, you have just validated my entire career as an educator. You get an A+++! (Voice squeaks) I'm gonna go get the judges!

(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz standing by the world's largest baking soda volcano)

Doofenshmirtz: Soon I will show them the havoc created when an acid and a base combine! (Laughs; dramatic music) But first I have to find an outlet 'cause there's a nice laser show that goes along with it. We'll take this out and put mine in. (Chuckles) Hello!

Mr. McGillicuddy: It's right over here. (To Baljeet) Baljeet, show our judges what Mr. McGillicuddy has taught you.

(Baljeet tries to turn the portal on)

Mr. McGillicuddy: Ah... Um.... Just a moment. It takes the skilled hand of a master professor. (Chuckles) Hello! Mr. Martian, it's Mr. McGillicuddy. (Chuckles) Uno momento.

Judge #1: Who's up for corn dogs?

Judge #2: I am.

Mr. McGillicuddy: A-ha! Turn it all the way up to high. (Switches dial from "low" to "high") Yes! That should do it.

Phineas: I wonder what's wrong with the portal?

Baljeet: Ah, no matter. Actually, I never cared about winning. I just wanted a good grade.

Phineas: Aah. Well, who's up for corn dogs?

Baljeet: Me!

(Scene switches to Candace, the manager, and Wendy...)

Manager: Girls, your first task is to dress these dogs with ketchup and mustard. I'll be back in a bit to check your work. Good luck.

(Western movie music plays)

Wendy: (Growls)

Candace: (Holds up a bottle of ketchup) Hey, no fair! I ran out of ketchup. (Squeezes the bottle, then grins sheepishly.) Oops. Now I'm out of ketchup.

Wendy: (Squeezes a bottle of mustard) Oops. Now I'm out of mustard.

Candace: (Squeezes a bottle of relish twice) Oh, look, I'm out of relish.

(Wendy flattens a bottle of mayo on a cooking sheet)

Wendy: (Laughing)

(Candace throws two pickles, which lands on Wendy's eyes.)

(Scene switches to Mr. McGillicuddy, who's still trying to get the portal to work)

Mr. McGillicuddy: It's gotta work, it's gotta... work! Huh? (notices the plug to the portal)

(Scene switches to Perry, who got out of the car seat trap by ripping the lower half of his fur off.)

(Beeps)

(Perry runs off)

Doofenshmirtz: Now just add some vinegar and... (Perry lands on his head; he screams)

Mr. McGillicuddy: It just wasn't plugged in. There's an outlet over there. (Notices a high voltage outlet; plugs the cord in, cackling) It's working! It's working!

Doofenshmirtz: Ew, gross! I smell like... salad. (Mumbling; slips on vinegar; lands in the volcano, which then "erupts") Say goodbye to this pair of lederhosen. .... Hey, I'm unhurt! Yes, I am invincible! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Where am I going?

Judge #1: All right, so what was it you wanted to show us?

Mr. McGillicuddy: (Stuttering) No! It was here!

Judge #1: Come on, let's go find a real winner.

Mr. McGillicuddy: But... But... But...

Girl: Excuse me, am I too late to enter?

Judge #1: Are those mechanical arms?

Girl: Why, yes. I used them to make this baking soda volcano.

Judge #1: (gasps) A baking soda volcano? Cool! First prize!

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, come on!

Mr. McGillicuddy: But...

Manager: Well, seeing as you've used most of my ketchup and mustard to dress yourselves, I'm afraid neither of you get the job.

Candace: Snail! I'll call you you Snail. Ha!

Wendy: You're quick.

Isabella: I just can't believe you built a portal to Mars and didn't go through it yourselves.

Phineas: Oh, we did.

Ferb: But that's another story.

Phineas: Oh, look...

Phineas, Ferb, and Baljeet: There's Perry!