The Lemonade Stand/Transcript

(Scene opens at the Flynn-Fletcher house)

Phineas: Well Ferb, after that long, winded argument of yours, I agree. (shows blueprint) We'll build a Monorail to Mars! (Candace walks by) Now all we need is 36 million miles of steel--

Candace: What is wrong with you two? Can't you think of something normal to do like making a lemonade stand or picking your nose or something? (Ferb pulls out device) That better not be a nose picking machine! (Ferb puts it down) Yeah, that's right.

Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?

(Scene shifts to Perry's lair)

Major Monogram: Agent P, Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been hoarding all of the paper in the Tri-State Area. See what he's got up his sleeve, you know, other than an enormous amount of paper.

(Switches to the interior of the Flynn-Fletcher house. The doorbell rings and Candace goes to answer the door.)

Candace: (opens the door without even looking at Stacy) And don't even think about pulling off any of your hair-brained schemes, 'cause I'm on you like a book on a shelf!

Stacy: Candace?

Candace: No, that's stupid. Like a beard on a face!

Stacy: Candace?

Candace: Ew! No, no, no. Like a switch on a wall! That's on! Like me! On you!

Stacy: CANDACE!! Ready to go to the mall?

Candace: The mall? But--

(Phineas and Ferb are seen drawing up blueprints)

Phineas: Don't mind us, ladies. We're just making every day of summer count.

Candace: You know, I can't really leave right now, 'cause I've got this whole busting thing on me. It's--You understand, don't you?

Stacy: No, I don't understand, Candace! We've been planning this for like three weeks! That's like four months in teenager years!

Candace: They're using protractors!

Stacy: Candace, I am tired of taking the backseat of the totally unlikely chance that you will ever bust your brothers. So, you're gonna have to choose: It's either me, or busting.

Candace: You're making me choose? You wouldn't dare.

Stacy: Yu-huh!

Candace: Yu-nothing! A real best friend wouldn't do that to me!

Stacy: A real best friend wouldn't make me do that to her.

Candace: Then, I guess you're not my best friend.

Stacy: Not anymore. (leaves)

Candace: Fine!

Stacy: Fine!

Candace: Fine!

Stacy: Fine!

Candace: FINE!

(Switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated)

Doofenshmirtz: Finally! The plumber. The garbage disposal's stopped again. The same one you fixed last week, by the way! And while you're at it--(exclaims) Oh, who needs to see that?! Oh! I'll be in the other room. I mean, oh, for crying out loud--(Perry gives him the bill) What, you're done already? But, you've only been here for, like 15 seconds. And I was talking for, like half of that. What kind of a plumber are you?

(Perry removes the hat)

Doofenshmirtz: A platypus plumber?

(Perry puts on his fedora; chatters)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the platypus plumber?

(Perry removes the tool belt then gets into fighting position)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus?! (traps Perry in a roll of toilet paper) It's amazing the things you can do with toilet paper! Which you would know, if you were a real plumber. In fact, it's amazing the things you can do with all kinds of paper! (showing several stacks of paper in the background) And no, I'm not a hoarder.

(Switches back to the Flynn-Fletcher house)

Candace: Ah-ha! It's a good thing I threw away a life-long friendship to bust you for your ridiculous...

Phineas: Lemonade stand. We liked your idea so much, we decided to go through with it.

Ballpit Kid: Wow! This is the best lemonade I've ever had! Hit me again! (Ferb pours him some more lemonade)

Candace: You mean, you two are finally being normal? Huh. That means I'm free after all! I've got to hand it to you, boys. Thanks for giving me the day off!

(The camera then pans right to reveal a giant lemonade-making machine in the back yard. The lemonade maker then squeezes some lemons and gives a thumbs-up)

(Switches back to D.E.I.)

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, that's a lot of paper. But, you know what you can do with it? Well, I'll show you. (retracts a screen in front of Perry and the show begins)

Man: Birth of an inator! The wheel, the light bulb and the frozen Popsicle stick with two sticks, so you can give half to a friend. All great inventions in the past, but all pale in comparison to the Paper-cut-inator! Brought to you by the one and only, Heinz Doofenshmirtz!

(showing a horrible picture of the said doctor)

Doofenshmirtz: I was sick that day!

Man: Its purpose is to turn any kind of paper into sharp, razor missiles (pronounced mis-I-les) that are planed to be thrown upon an unsuspecting Tri-State Area.

(one of the razors pokes a man)

Second man: Ow! Something bit me!

Man: That something is evil science, tiger! Good thing the local pharmacy is stocked up on the latest Heinz-brand bandages. They're adhesive, and expensive. And brought to you by Danville's latest soon-to be trillionare, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. (the picture is seen again) Thanks, Heinz!

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, that picture's gonna haunt me.

Man: And happy evil!

Doofenshmirtz: (video off)You like that? I'm gonna do all of my Inator introductions like that from now on! (Perry rolls his eyes)

(Switches to Candace walking through the suburbs)

Candace: I'm going to the mall! I know, I'll call Stacy and--Wait a minute. Stacy's mad at me. And I'm mad at Stacy! But I can't go alone.

(Candace goes to Jenny's house and knocks. Jenny answers the front door)

Candace: Hey, Jenny.

Jenny: Hey-ya, Candy.

Candace: So, Jenny, as you know, I've ruined a perfectly good friendship, and to someone who's partaken interest in the past--

Jenny: Come on, Candace. You just want someone to go to the mall with you.

Candace: Will you go?

Jenny: Sorry, but I can't. I've got to get to the save the pigeons rally. Save the pigeons!

Candace: Okay, got to cast that net a little wider. (going through list of names in phone) Jeremy? No, I can't talk about Jeremy with Jeremy. Mad at Stacy. Jenny, pigeons. Mom? No way! Yuck! How did HE even get in here?! Delete! Okay, who next? (more rapidly at each turn) Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. (gasps) How can I only have four friends?! And one of them's my mom!

Girl 1: Hey, best friend!

Candace: Huh?

Girl 1: I've been looking all over for you!

Candace: Oh, my gosh, I don't know you, but okay!

Girl 1: Come here. Let's go to the mall.

Girl 2: Hey, did you see that lonely girl?

Girl 1: Yeah, she was all by herself and singular.

(Switches back to P&F Lemonade)

Phineas: (as the customers clamor) Well, Ferb, I'm glad to see that this is going so well, but it's getting a little crowded. Hey, Isabella, is phase two up yet?

Isabella: Hold on, Phineas! (at the Fireside Girls) A little more to my left. (at Phineas) Franchise locations are a go!

(the Fireside Girls hand some of the customers some flyers)

Ballpit Kid: Hey, everyone! It says that there's a Phineas and Ferb lemonade stand opening with no wait!

(customers cheering)

Lemonade man: They have a lemonade stand at the bookstore, the gift shop, the mall. It's even being served on my favorite airline! (rips shirt and puts on lemonade-shaped hat) YEAH! OH, YEAH! LEMONADE! IN YOUR FACE, ORANGE JUICE! BOO-YAH! THAT'S RIGHT, BOO! YAH! LEMONADE!

Phineas: Okay, no more for that guy.

(Switches back to D.E.I.)

Doofenshmirtz: Now, I'd better start giving paper cuts to the people of the Tri-State Area.

(He steps on the edge of the toilet paper, causing Perry to spin very quickly, then shoves some paper into the Paper-Cut-inator)

That auto-feeder. It scares me every time!

(The Paper-Cut-inator starts warm up while Doofenshmirtz takes out a pair of binoculars)

I wouldn't be getting those salt scrubs right now. The stinging would be so unbearable! It just takes a while to warm up.

(Perry continues spinning)

(Switches to Candace, sadly walking through Danville)

Candace: Wow! Finding a new best friend is harder than I thought! Makes me kinda miss Stacy! Why did I let our friendship go?

(Song: A Better Best Friend)

Today I've learned a lesson,

What a best friend shouldn't do,

I put busting my brothers

Ahead of you,

You were always there for me,

On you I could depend,

And now, too late, I realize

I should've been a better best friend!

(Ooh-wow-wow-wow-wow)

I said things I shouldn't have,

Did things I shouldn't do,

Guess I forgot that you cannot

Spell "us" without "U"

(Candace somberly drinks some lemonade she has bought from Buford)

Buford: So you lost your best friend, huh? Yeah, I know how you feel. I lost my best friend once. Little guy, all yellow-y and scaly. His name was Biff, turned into a whole brouhaha. I had to fight a squid.

(record needle scratches)

Candace: Wait, so you're saying that if I was really Stacy's best friend, I'd apologize. And if Stacy was my best friend, she'll take me back! (runs off)

Buford: Oh, sure! It's all about you!

Candace: I can't believe I have this golden opportunity! Look there she is! Right next to the Phineas... and Ferb... Lemonade stand. (looks at the cup she has been drinking from, realizing she has been drinking from Phineas and Ferb Lemonade, followed by several of the P&F lemonade franchises, until finally stopping at a beauty salon where some one is doing Linda's hair) Mom! I have to tell mom! But wait! Stacy! Mom! Stacy! Mom! Stacy! Mom! Macy! Stom! Shish kebab! Marmalade! Hominahaa...  (mutters indistinctly)

(Switches to D.E.I., where the Paper-Cut-inator is still warming up)

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, any minute now. What the...?

(Perry ceases spinning and rips the toilet paper roll in two, freeing himself)

Doofenshmirtz: How did you get out of that? It's two ply!

(Perry throws spitballs at Doofenshmirtz while his theme song plays instrumentally in the background)

Doofenshmirtz: Ow, spitballs? Oh, I get it, paper fight! (makes a figure used in paper football and throws it at Perry)

(Perry makes a paper fortune teller and uses it against Doofenshmirtz)

Doofenshmirtz: I am not in love with Sophie! I am not! Oh, you're gonna get it now! (puts on paper hat) Boom! Well, that doesn't do much. I'm gonna get you with the Paper-Cut-inator! (trips) Ow! Flypaper? Well, it doesn't matter now! Look!

(Paper-Cut-inator emits one slip of paper, while a "thump" sound is heard)

Doofenshmirtz:: One piece? That's it?

'(Perry puts a plunger in the auto-feeder)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, plunger jam? I hate those! They always make the Paper-Cut-inator-- (exploding) (winching) Explode. Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

(the slip of paper gives the lemonade-making machine a paper cut)

Lemonade-Making Machine: (squeezes lemons) Lemon juice! (breaks down, causing all P&F lemonade stands to go out of business)

Phineas: Sorry, folks! We're sold out!

(Crowd groans in disappointment)

Buford: Go home, you losers! We're dry!

Crowd: (groaning in disappointment)

Buford: Biff (sobbing)

(Switches to a street corner where Linda meets Candace, while she sees Stacy boarding a bus)

Linda: Hey, Candace, look, it's Stacy. Hi, Stacy.

Stacy: (looks at Candace)

Bus driver: Come on, kid. I'm on a schedule.

Candace: (looks at the lemonade stands)

Bus driver: Come on, kid. In, or out?

(A blimp is seen deflating in the background)

Linda: You okay, sweetie?

Candace: Mom, there's something I have to tell you.

Linda: What is it, honey?

Candace: That if you need me, I'll be at the mall with Stacy.

Stacy: (as she and Candace board the bus) Welcome back, best friend.

Candace: Thanks, best friend.

Stacy: I have had my eye on the cutest dress for you.

(bus departing)

Linda: Aww. It's nice to see Candace give up her obsession with the boys to have fun. Now, where are those new lemonade stands I keep hearing about?

(Switches to the Flynn-Fletcher house once more)

Phineas: Well, Ferb, I think it's time we shut her down.

Ferb: (claps twice)

(The lemonade-making machine diverts back into the original backyard the second Linda's car pulls up)

Linda: Hi, boys. So, what did you do today?

Ferb: Just normal, mediocre kid stuff.

Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry.

(Perry chatters)

(Switches to Evil Incorporated once more)

Vanessa: Hey, Dad! I just got some lemonade from the stand down the street. It's really sour. Do you want to--(slips on some paper; exclaims)

Doofenshmirtz: (screaming)

(lemonade spilling)

OW, THAT SMARTS, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!

Vanessa: Uh, Dad? You know he's not here, right?

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, I know, but I'm sure it's his fault.

(End credits)

(Song: A Better Best Friend)

I said things I shouldn't have,

Did things I shouldn't do,

Guess I forgot that you cannot

Spell "us" without "U"

Buford: So you lost your best friend, huh? Yeah, I know how you feel. I lost my best friend once. Little guy, all yellow-y and scaly. His name was Biff, turned into a whole brouhaha. I had to fight a squid.

Wah, wah, wah, wah!