Agent Doof/Transcript

(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house)

Linda: Candace, honey, I'm going out to a birthday party.

Candace: For who?

Linda: You know Vivian's aunt's sister's landlord's son?

Candace: Evan?

Linda: His son.

Candace: Dexter?

Linda: Yeah. It's his birthday.

Candace: Why do they even have parties for two-year-olds? It's not like they're going to remember anything.

Linda: Baby parties aren't for the babies, Candace, they're for the moms.

Candace: The moms?

Linda: So they can feel rewarded for all the hard work they do.

Candace: (scoffs) Toddlers are easy. They eat, they poop, they sleep. End of story.

Linda: You're a laugh riot, Candace. (starts to leave) Think you can handle watching Phineas and Ferb today?

Candace: Piece of cake.

Linda: Have fun.

Candace: Hmm. Time to be in charge.

(Switches to Phineas and Ferb in the backyard)

Phineas: So what you're saying is that we should never cut the red wire first.

Candace: Okay, you two, I'm in charge and I'm gonna lay down some rules!

Phineas: Okay, shoot.

Candace: No leaving the yard, no amusement park rides, no robots, no rocket ships...

Phineas: Ferb, are you getting all of this? (Ferb holds up a miniature tape recorder) Cool.

Candace: ...no first edition issuing of commemorative coins, no asking where Perry is, no astrological planetary alignments...

(Switches to Perry who lifts up a board and uses it as a diving board to jump in a pool. In Perry's lair he jumps in his chair and sees Doofenshmirtz on the screen)

Doofenshmirtz: Surprise! It's me! I've taken over the O.W.C.A!

(Major Monogram comes on-screen)

Major Monogram: Oh no, he hasn't, Agent P. Doofenshmirtz claims to have given up evil. He even signed this "I give up evil" affidavit to apply for work at the agency. And normally, we could have rejected him because he's not an animal, but it turns out he was adopted by ocelots, making him, in the eyes of law, an ocelot.

(Doofenshmirtz purrs)

Major Monogram: Sorry to do this to you, Agent P, but we're making Doofenshmirtz your responsibility during his probation period. Show him the ropes, and, uh, don't let him out of your sight.

(Switches to Perry and Doofenshmirtz walking by cubicles)

Doofenshmirtz: You're probably wondering why I suddenly decided to quit evil and become a good guy. Well you see, I'd just built an inator. I called it the Babe-inator! No, it's not what you think. It's purpose was to transform my brother, the Mayor, and all of his cronies into a bunch of crying babies. That way I could take City Hall like babies taking candy away from... Whatever they take candy... Aw, you know what I mean. Anyway, the Babe-inator was ready to go, so I took aim at my brother's office and pressed the button, but it didn't work! It didn't work for, like, the hundredth time! My evil plan did not work! And I thought to myself "Maybe I'm just not good at being evil." That's when I had my epiphany. From now on, I'm going to be a good guy! So, here I am!

(They stop walking and Perry shows him his cubicle)

Doofenshmirtz: Wow, my own cubicle. (Agent K joins him and Perry) How nice! I'm gonna put a poster, right here, with a kitten that says, "Hang in there." (Doofenshmirtz turns and sees Agent K; chuckles awkwardly) No offense. It's not like I think that's all you guys do, or anything. (Agent K walks off) Oh, great, now he's going to Human Resources.

(Switches to Norm at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)

Norm: Oopsies! Better plug this in!

(A ray shoots out of the Babe-inator)

(Switches to Phineas and Ferb's backyard)

Candace: And no invisible paint.

(The ray from the Babe-inator hits Phineas and Ferb. Phineas babbles then blows a raspberry. Ferb babbles)

Candace: Oh, my gosh! I don't know how you turned yourselves into babies, but that is so bustable! Smile and say "Hi, Mom!"

(Candace takes a picture with her phone)

Candace: Now you two are so... (Gasps) Where did they go? (goes off-screen and Ferb comes on)

Come back here! No, put the power drill down!

(Candace comes on holding Phineas and sets him down)

You stay right...

(Ferb grabs her phone and walks off)

Ferb! No, get back here with my phone.

(Switches to Doofenshmirtz in his cubicle)

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, would you look at that! Newton the Gnu is Agent Silent G. Whoo! I have to blog this. (Notices agents walking by with cups of coffee) Hmm, must be a coffee break. (Computer screen starts blinking saying "security breach" and he turns it off without looking)

(Switches to Candace in the backyard)

Candace: Find the picture, and send.

(Switches to Linda at Dexter's party. Linda's cell phone beeps. She takes it out and sees the picture Candace sent)

Linda: Oh, they used to be so cute.

(Switches back to Candace. Candace's cell phone beeps. She takes it out and reads a text)

Candace: "Thanks for the old baby picture." (Sighs) Ooh, wait! I need something with today's date on it. I could take a picture of them with one of those old-fashioned things. It's like a web page with... printed on paper... A newspaper! Ha-ha! (Runs around trying to get Ferb to hold the paper) Okay, stop and hold the paper. Ferb, sweetie? Okay, just stand here and... No! No, don't run away! Wait! Hold it! No, no, no, no. Get back here. How about if we just sit? Then hold the paper. (Ferb throws it) We don't... We... No, don't throw it. Wait! (Candace gives up on Ferb and goes to Phineas) Okay, just hold this. Stay.

Phineas: Gah! (Throws the paper)

Candace: Phineas, no! No throwing. (Phineas crawls to her phone) We use our... Ew! (Phineas throws it and it hits Candace) Ow! (Candace tries again on Ferb) Okay hold this, Ferb. Now I'll just... Where's my phone?

Phineas: Gah! ''(Throws her phone into a bird bath)  (Ferb rips up the paper)''

Candace: Okay, fine! Okay, if pictures won't work, I'll just take you to Mom myself! I know we have an old stroller around here somewhere. (Candace finds a stroller and straps in Phineas and Ferb and they fall asleep) That's it, go right to sleep. You'll be busted in just a little bit.

(Switches to Doofenshmirtz and the other agents drinking coffee)

Doofenshmirtz: And then, the duck says, "got any grapes?"

(The agents, excluding the duck, all laugh. Agent P enters)

Uh oh, it looks like, uh, coffee break's over.

(Switches to Major Monogram in his office. Doofenshmirtz and/or Perry knocks) Major Monogram: Enter. (Doofenshmirtz and Perry enter) Agent P, we have a situation. Doofenshmirtz: Is it about that grape joke? Who told on me? Was it the duck?!

Major Monogram: That's not why I called you in. Get a look at this This is Newton the Gnu. He was assigned to Dr. Diminutive, but apparently, some bonehead blew his cover on the blogosphere.

(While Major Monogram is talking, Doofenshmirtz scratches his ear.)

We still haven't found out who it was. In the meantime, we need you to bring him in. Get on it, Agent P! Oh, and, uh, take Doofenshmirtz with you.

Doofenshmirtz: A ride-along? Sweet! I can wear my new fedora!

Major Monogram: Get out of here! (Doofenshmirtz and Perry leave and Carl walks by with a mail cart) Carl, get in here! When you're done delivering the mail, I want you to wash and wax my car. You know, a little wax on, wax off? It'll teach you karate!

Carl: No, it won't.

(Switches to a room where Agent K fills up Perry's hover car with gas. The cat agent leaves as Doofenshmirtz and Perry walk up.)

Doofenshmirtz: Sweet, we're like a pair, like Jack and Jill! And a cool vehicle.

(Switches to the exterior of the O.W.C.A. headquarters, where Major Monogram watches Doofenshmirtz and Perry fly away through his office window)

Major Monogram: Be careful out there... (looks at Carl) ...washing my car. Don't scratch it.

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, look at all these buttons! What does this one do? (he pushes a button which launches a missile) Whoa! Oh, yeah, this is way cool!

(The missile returns to Earth, causing Carl to run away before it blows up Major Monogram's car)

Major Monogram: DOOFENSHMIRTZ!

(Scene switches to Candace pushing Phineas and Ferb's stroller through the park.)

Candace: (chuckles) Wait till Mom sees you guys. (Baby Ferb starts crying) Shh!

(Everybody at the park stares at her)

I didn't do anything! He's my brother, just a baby. They cry you know. (Now Baby Phineas start crying now he cried with him then puts Ferb back his stroller) I know! Toys! I buy you some toys; that's what makes babies stop crying! (pushes the stroller towards a store that coincidentally sells baby things) Oh, thank you. (the stroller gets stuck in the door) Now, I'll just be a second. Don't go anywhere. Stay!

(The babies continue crying, then a robber comes in on his motorcycle and runs into the store. Phineas and Ferb stop crying and pull tools out of their diapers)

(Switches to the exterior of Dr. Diminutive's apartment)

Doofenshmirtz: Well, I think this is the place. Hey, do you mind if I kick the door down? (he does so, proceeding to get his foot stuck)

Dr. Diminutive: (opens door) Ugh, Doofenshmirtz?

Doofenshmirtz: Awkward!

Dr. Diminutive: Why are you wearing a fedora?

Doofenshmirtz: I'm a good guy now! I'm sure you've met my partner?

Dr. Diminutive: (gasps) Stay away from me!

(Perry chases Dr. Diminutive, but he disappears when he leaps on him)

Dr. Diminutive: (laughing) Fools!

Doofenshmirtz: Don't worry, I'm here. I've got your back, partner.

Dr Diminutive: (traps Doofenshmirtz and Perry) This is my Pumanic Bubbletron 2000!

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, man! 2000 is so 4,000 days ago!

Dr. Diminutive: Now, why don't you join your friend, Newton the Gnu? (chuckles) Can you believe it? I was having him over for a friendly dinner, when I read your blog telling me that Newton the Gnu is really Agent Silent G!

(Perry glares at Doofenshmirtz)

Doofenshmirtz: I can't help it! I blog what I see!

(Switches back to the store where Candace dropped the babies off)

Candace: I've got some baby stuff!

(Baby Phineas and Ferb rides away on their modified baby stroller)

Candace: Wait, wait! Get back here!

(alarm)

Robber: (coming out of store with bags of money) Suckers! (laughs) Oh, my bike. (the police pull up) Oh, good, the cops are here! Maybe they can report this vandalism to--

Police: (through megaphone) Put your hands up!

Robber: (he does so) Oh, that's right.

(Switches to a baby emporium, where Candace finds baby Phineas and Ferb)

Candace: Phineas and Ferb, get back here!

(Song: Great to Be a Baby)

I can crawl around on the ground

I'm allowed to make obnoxious sounds

I can be asleep both night or day

I ain't got much hair to brush

And there ain't no need for me to flush

And that is why you'll always hear me say

Man, it sure is great to be a baby

You can sit all day and suck your thumb

I can chew my brother's toes

And play with the stuff inside my nose

And the pans in the kitchen cupboard make great drums

(Musical Interlude)

Get strolled, carried, burped and cuddled

Wiped, powdered, diapered, swaddled

Hugged, tickled, dried, tossed

Ported, dressed, kissed, washed

Swung, spoiled, peek-a-boo!

Pampered, nibbled, coochee-coo!

Snuggled, cuddled, rocked and fed

Sung to, nursed and put to bed

Phineas/Ferb: (cooing)

Candace: Alright, playtime's over. We've got a party to go to.

(Switches to the exterior of Dr. Diminutive's building)

Dr. Diminutive: Due to your request, Heinz, I've decide to let you go. From 40 stories up.

Doofenshmirtz: Just for the record, this is not what I meant.

Dr. Diminutive: Yeah, I know. (drops them off of building)

Doofenshmirtz: (as he and Agents P & Silent G fall) So, how am I doing so far? Am I doing good?

(Perry uses his grappling hook to take the Pumanic Bubbletron) Dr. Diminutive: Hey, that's mine! Perry: (uses Pumanic Bubbletron to make a bubble and traps Dr. Diminutive) Dr. Diminutive: Oh, poop. Perry: (makes another bubble and they bounce on it, breaking their fall)

Doofenshmirtz: Hang on, guys! I'm bringing this back to headquarters!

(Switches to Major Monogram's office)

Carl: Sorry about your car, sir. (gives him a hubcap) This is all I could find. (gasps)

Major Monogram: Oh, this just isn't working out!

(crashing)

(Switches to Dexter's party)

Candace: Oh, mom! Have I got some babies for you?

Ginger/Adyson: Babies? Oh, let me help! We'll take good care of them!

Candace: What are you guys doing here?

Isabella: We're helping mom's aunt's sister's landlord son.

Linda: Hey, Candace. Glad you could make it.

Candace: Mom, I've got to show you something.

(Switches to Major Monogram's temporary cubicle)

Major Monogram: It's humiliating! I have to sit in this crummy, little cubicle, while my office gets repaired! Anyway, Agent P, due to your quick action and decisive thinking, you were able to rescue Agent Silent G. Doofenshmirtz, you're fired.

Doofenshmirtz: Is it because I blew up your car?

Major Monogram: No, it's because I have a list of complaints from human resources.

Doofenshmirtz: So, it was the duck! (Looks at the duck. The dog and crocodile does the same)

(The duck agent backs away in his chair)

Major Monogram: Let's face it. You've done more damage inside the Agency than you ever did outside.

Doofenshmirtz: So, what you're saying is that I'm good at being evil after all! (calls Norm) Norm, dust off the old inators! We're back in business! (hangs up) Later, chumps!

(Switches to D.E.I.)

Norm: I'll start with this one!

(Another ray shoots out of the Babe-inator)

(Switches to Dexter's party)

Candace: Mom, these aren't babies that look like Phineas and Ferb, this is Phineas and Ferb!

(The Babe-inator's ray hits Isabella, Linda and Milly, which turns them into babies. The same is done with the remaining Fireside Girls, excluding Ginger and Adyson. All of the babies, excluding Phineas and Ferb, then start crying.)

Candace: Okay, I get it. Lesson learned. Toddlers aren't easy! The irony is not lost in me! A little help here? Ugh, this had better wear off before the next episode.