My Fair Goalie

Well, if you're all such crackin' footballers, then we challenge you and your friends to a football match.

When Ferb's cousins visit from England and challenge him to a soccer match, he and Phineas warp the walls of physics and build a high tech 3D stadium. Meanwhile, convinced that her relationship with Jeremy depends on her being more proper, Candace enlists the help of Ferb's British cousin, Eliza, to teach her the rules of etiquette. Back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., Dr. Doofenshmirtz is sick in bed but forces himself to set off his "If-A-Tree-Fell-in-the-Forest-Inator", which causes any tree that falls to say his name.

Episode Summary
Ferb's cousins from England come to Danville to see the British football team, the Snifferton Nostrils play against Danville's football team in an exhibition match. Lawrence introduces them to Phineas. Lucy and Adrian Fletcher are the parents of six children, three named Beckham, two named Pele and a daughter Candace's age named Eliza.

As Lawrence and Adrian take the opportunity to push their sibling rivalry with their wives watching and Eliza goes to meet Candace in her room, two of the Beckhams comment on Ferb living in America for so long and that he could have easily lost his British essence in exchange for being more of a "Yank". Phineas voices his disagreement, trying to reassure them that he's "as British as ever", only to be contradicted by Baljeet coming to return some of Ferb's things he had borrowed, including a cowboy hat, a baseball glove, banjo CDs, an American Flag shirt, and a bald eagle.



The blond Beckham bets that Ferb doesn't even play association football anymore, the sport known to most Americans as soccer. Isabella objects, mentioning having witnessed Ferb playing an entire game of football with a pumpkin, somehow avoiding breaking it open through the whole match. The Fletchers respond by challenging Phineas, Ferb, and the gang to a football match, to which Phineas adds by stating they should play by Football X-7 standards much to the shock of of the blond Beckham. Phineas waves his cousin's doubt away and wonders if Perry would want to participate, only then noticing that the platypus is absent.

Major Monogram has reported for his regular duties but is in a poor shape, implied to have caught an illness from Carl. He proceeds to voice his rage at Doofenshmirtz for calling in sick since he and Carl had both taken the effort to show up for work in spite of their current conditions and that he would rather be "at home watching Ducky Momo". He tasks Agent P with making Doofenshmirtz feeling better so that he'd have a reason for stopping him from doing evil.

Candace and Eliza listen to Jeremy as he performs a song for them with his guitar. Eliza enjoys the song and Jeremy relates to her that most of his favorite bands are British and that he himself is an Anglophile. Shortly thereafter, he gets up, having to help his mother back at his house. He compliments Eliza's accent before leaving. Candace starts to panic, under the impression that her entire relationship with Jeremy depends on her being able to be like Eliza. She demands Eliza to train her in the basics of being a proper lady, to which the Englishwoman reluctantly approves. Meanwhile, downstairs, Lawrence and Adrian continue to engage in various odd competitions of all sorts, including stuffing numerous layers of coats on and holding their breath.

The history of Football X-7 is described briefly by an informational video. The sport had been conceptualized by an English 1950s scientist by the name of Professor Ross Eforp with the intention of taking association football to an extreme level without posing any threat to the players' lives. Unfortunately, after numerous failed attempts at trying to realize the concept, coupled with the realization that "Professor Ross Eforp" is a palindrome, the professor was forced into hiding and his dreams forgotten by society. Many people, including the Beckhams, are convinced it never could have been achieved anyway. Phineas accepts the challenge, pushing his cousins' impression of him as insane. However, the turn of events starts to bring back unpleasant memories for Ferb.



Perry finds Doofenshmirtz in his lair and in a poor shape, lying on the couch surrounded by napkins and holding a thermometer in his mouth. Despite being sick Heinz still has something evil planned for the day. He explains through a recorded rehearsal of his monologue done the previous day before he had gotten sick. In the video he ponders upon that well-known philosophical question "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, would it make a sound?". The answer to the question obviously was obvious in accordance to actual science, and the evil scientist briefly voices his disdain for whoever came up with the question. Either way he decided to answer it himself with his "If a tree falls in the forest-inator" which would cause trees, as well as anything else its beam hits, to fall over and hit the ground whispering "Doofenshmirtz...". As the video comes to a close Heinz pushes a button on the remote to activate a trap and incapacitate his opponent, but misses. He ignores it and gets up to activate the machine.

Candace watches the construction of the Football X-7 stadium with bitter animosity only for Eliza to let her know that "tattling isn't ladylike". The Englishwoman proceeds to lecture her American cousin on various traits of proper ladies in the form of a song. The stadium assembly is finished and the group is just about ready to move onto the actual game when they realize Ferb is missing.

It turns out that Ferb had suffered from a seemingly minor blunder during their last soccer match before the beginning of the summer. They had been effectively upholding their dominance in the game when the opposing team kicked the ball out of bounds. Ferb went to pick it up, but as he did a herd of wild emu appeared and carried off the assistant coach. In response the Brit simply put the ball down and walked away, never playing again ever since. The tall, brown-haired Beckham realizes that Ferb has suffered from what is known as "the emu curse", which states that if a herd of emu carries away the assistant coach while you're holding the ball, you're cursed to never be on a winning team again. The only way to break it is to have a boy in a Sunday bonnet to sing in the note of an E-flat above high-C in front of the accursed one. To Phineas's relief such a task would be easy, since Buford has a piccolo, which he uses to demonstrate the appropriate note.



Phineas shows the group around the inside of the stadium, complete with the gravity-generating walls and a high tea room for guests. It seems they can't have match without Ferb but he arrives in tow behind Irving just in time for them to start. The game begins and the teams play against each other fiercely, eventually leading up to a tie of 4-4.

Back at D. E. Inc, Perry and Doofenshmirtz have begun their usual odd battle for supremacy, the only thing differing from the usual being that the evil scientist is sick and putting up a particularly poor fight.

Jeremy, dressed elegantly, arrives at the X-7 stadium, greeted by Candace dressed equally nicely and complete with the refined behavior of a proper Englishwoman. They share tea in the observation room as the match goes on around them, Jeremy taking notice of his girlfriend's sudden change of personality several times. Candace puts on a remarkable display of what Eliza had taught her but fails to hide the fact that she's straining to resist busting her brothers.

After losing to his brother numerous times in a row, Lawrence reveals to Linda that his falls have been deliberate the entire time, only to make Adrian happy. His wife simply tells him to ditch the humble attitude and annihilate his opponent without mercy by the next competition. Lawrence decides to challenge his brother to "Keepy-Uppy" as their final competition.

The Nostrils are forced to divert from their planned route when a tree hit by a rogue ray by Doofenshmirtz' machine falls in the path of their bus. In their detour they notice Phineas and Ferb's X-7 stadium and are drawn to it.

After a long match in the front yard, Lawrence stumbles over, kicking the ball far off into the air in the process. When it seems he has suffered from defeat, he skillfully catches it with his foot as it comes back down, revealing an act of deception he had taken advantage of to sabotage his brother's game.

Jeremy realizes the show Candace is putting on is only an attempt by her to make him like her better. He responds by toying with her emotions, telling her things such as being glad she's decided to change and liking her better than how she was before. At first Candace responds with panic and dismay, but soon realizes he's only messing with her and reverts back to being her usual self. She yells at her brothers from the window before realizing she has no need left for the Sunday bonnet and tosses it out. By coincidence, it lands on Baljeet, obscuring his view just as the ball hits him right in the crotch. In the extreme pain that ensues, the Indian boy squeals an E-flat above high-C, inadvertently staving off the Emu curse from Ferb and reigniting his team's resolve to win.



With a swift and confident swing of his foot, Ferb delivers what would be the coup de'grat against his cousins' team but misses the goal entirely, ending the match in a tie. The Nostrils have witnessed the event and congratulate him despite his failure. Now that the match is over the boys have no use left in the stadium and decide to let the Nostrils have it. With the help of a crowd of obsessed fans, they haul the structure onto their bus and leave. By the time Candace has gotten Linda into the backyard there is no trace the stadium was ever there. She scowls in frustration to the amusement of Eliza and Jeremy, who remark "That's our girl!" as the episode closes.

Songs

 * Lady Song
 * Football X-7
 * Nostrils on the Bus

End Credits
Blond Beckham apologizes for calling Ferb a Yank, and saying he's an exceptional footballer, and a Brit through and through. Ferb says he's not a Brit or a Yank, but just Ferb. After that, the song Nostrils on the Bus is played.

The "Too Young" Line
None

Oh, there you are, Perry
None.

Perry's entrance to his lair
None.

Evil Jingle
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

The bird that runs into Phineas and Ferb's invention
Not Phineas and Ferb's invention, but in the informational video on Football X-7, a bird hits Professor Ross Eforp's original prototype Football X-7 stadium.

Background Information

 * If this episode takes place exactly after "Skiddley Whiffers", then this was Perry's 1000th entrance to his lair.
 * This episode reveals that Lawrence has a brother who looks very similar to him.
 * This episode proves that Ferb has lived in the U.S.A more than in England. If he has been living in the U.S. for at least six years ("Skiddley Whiffers"), Ferb is likely less than 12 years old (baring the possibility that he lived outside of the US and England).
 * Phineas breaks the fourth wall by saying "We'll be right back" before a commercial break (this part was deleted in the Spanish version), and fixing the time of day of the flashback. He and Ferb also breaks the fourth wall by staring at the camera after some dramatic music plays and zooms in.
 * In the Spanish version, Phineas doesn't say the "be right back", that phrase is cut.
 * This episode reveals Jeremy's family is from Wisconsin.
 * This episode reveals Jeremy is an Anglophile.
 * The "dun-dun-dun" sound is heard a total of six times in the episode.
 * Ferb's cousins' names are Beckham, Beckham, Pelé, Beckham, Pelé and Eliza (her middle name is Beckham).
 * Ferb's cousin's name, Pelé, is a nickname of a real soccer player. The player's actual name is Edson Arantes do Nascimento.
 * Two real soccer players played members of the Nostrils. Former Tottenham Hotspur and FC Barcelona star Gary Lineker, who is now a presenter on the BBC in the UK, and Darren Bent, who as of 2013 plays for Aston Villa in the English Premier League lent their voices to this episode.
 * This episode marks the first time Ferb says his own name.
 * According to Doofenshmirtz's message, this episode takes place on a Tuesday.
 * While Lawrence introducing Ferb's cousins to Phineas, he starts from the youngest to the oldest.
 * Major Monogram is a fan of Ducky Momo.
 * Ferb's uncle revealed that Ferb has a blog.
 * First time Perry is seen sitting cross-legged.
 * When Phineas says "Pass it to Ferb! Pass it to Ferb!" he appears to mimic one of Candace's bust poses.
 * At least one line from My Fair Lady has been used before in "Phineas and Ferb Summer Belongs to You!". Also, music from "Phineas and Ferb Summer Belongs to You!" was played in this episode; the instrumental played in that episode when the kids jump the ramp on their bikes is played here when Ferb attempts the last shot of the game.
 * This is the third time Isabella is seen wearing yellow. Previously were in "Mom's Birthday" and "At the Car Wash".
 * This is the second time any one of Ferb's cousins appear in an episode. The first was in "Invasion of the Ferb Snatchers".
 * Second time Candace wears a British-style clothes. She previously wore British-style clothes in "The Flying Fishmonger".
 * Third time that Candace changes something in her appearance because of Jeremy. Previous occurrences were in "One Good Scare Ought to Do It!" and "Boyfriend From 27,000 B.C.".
 * Fourth time Phineas and Ferb make a sports event. They made other sports events in "Got Game?", "Put That Putter Away", "Crack That Whip".
 * This is the second time Isabella puts her hair in a ponytail. Previously was "Jerk De Soleil".
 * Second time that Doofenshmirtz makes an inator related to his name. He first made an inator related to his name in "Ain't No Kiddie Ride".
 * Seventh over all time Ferb gets interrupted mid-sentence, third time he is not given a chance to speak at all. ("Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!", "Vanessassary Roughness", "Undercover Carl", "Nerds of a Feather" and "We Call it Maze")
 * Second time a member of the Flynn-Fletcher family is cursed. The first was Candace in "Hip Hip Parade".
 * Ducky Momo is mentioned again. ("Nerds of a Feather", Phineas and Ferb Hawaiian Vacation", "Run, Candace, Run", "Mommy Can You Hear Me?", and "Tour de Ferb")
 * The boys also mention the time they gave Buck Buckerson their monster truck rally stadium in "It's a Mud, Mud, Mud, Mud World".
 * Monogram, Carl and Heinz get sick, like Candace and Stacy did in "Put That Putter Away", and the kids in "Brain Drain".
 * Second time Jeremy says "That's my girl" after Candace says that she is going to bust the boys. He said it once in "A Real Boy".
 * This is the third time a nose-theme is related to the Fletcher family; the first time is when the Flynn-Fletcher Family went to the Lake Nose for vacation in "The Lake Nose Monster" and the second time when the kids play Skiddley Whiffers, when Ferb choose the nose in "Skiddley Whiffers", also all involves picking the nose.
 * Second time Baljeet is seen playing soccer. The first was in a flashback in "That Sinking Feeling".
 * This is the third episode where someone is hit in the groin, the others were "Cheer Up Candace" and "Moon Farm".
 * Doofenshmirtz rings Monogram again ("Hide and Seek"), the scene in which Monogram shows Perry their conversation is similar to the scene of "The Lake Nose Monster".
 * Second time Perry shoots Doofenshmirtz's inator to itself. ("Fireside Girl Jamboree")
 * If one looks closely at Doofenshmirtz, one can see that he is in his underwear, making this the sixth overall episode Doofenshmirtz is in his undergarments. Previous were "Lights, Candace, Action!, "Tip of the Day", "Bubble Boys", "Nerds of a Feather" and "Run, Candace, Run".
 * Second time Phineas and Ferb it says "Da-da". ("Tri-Stone Area")
 * Second time Ferb likes for an ice ("S'Winter")
 * Second time Ferb it say "Not taking a change". ("Greece Lightning")
 * Third time Candace gets "Ew". ("Candace Loses Her Head", "The Fast and the Phineas")

Production Information

 * This is the 2nd half-hour episode of Season 3, after "Phineas' Birthday Clip-O-Rama!".
 * This episode was aired on Disney Channel On Demand on September 3, 2011.

International Premieres

 * November 4, 2011 (Family Channel)
 * November 16, 2011 (Disney Channel Latin America and Brazil)
 * November 17, 2011 (Disney Channel Australia)
 * November 28, 2011 (Disney XD Spain)
 * December 10, 2011 (Disney Channel Portugal)
 * December 15, 2011 (Disney Channel Scandinavia)
 * January 27, 2012 (Disney Channel Israel)
 * March 23, 2012 (Disney Channel Asia)
 * July 7, 2012 (Disney XD Latin America)

Errors

 * A floating mustache and mouth is seen in the crowd of fans when the Nostrils' bus turns to go around a fallen tree.
 * The ball goes through the goalpost in the background when it shows the reporter talking about Football X-7
 * Buford doesn't know that Ferb's British in this episode, but he did in "Not Phineas and Ferb" (this might mean that this episode took place before "Not Phineas and Ferb"). It's more likely, however, that it was part of the gag about Ferb not being considered British by his cousins anymore.
 * Doofenshmirtz has noticeable beard stubble when ill, however, in "Crack That Whip" he says that he's unable to grow facial hair.
 * Before Eliza starts singing and during the song Lady Song:
 * She has four buttons on her shirt. The book she is holding goes in front of one of the buttons. When she moves the book, the button disappears, but reappears once it changes camera views.
 * She is holding one book, but when the song starts she puts three on her head.
 * Candace's leg is ahead of her skirt.
 * The garment that Baljeet returns to Ferb is not a unitard but a leotard because it doesn't have long legs.
 * When Eliza is explaining to Candace what "Anglophile" means, the end of her left arm is missing.
 * There's no reason for Carl's nose to be red. If he doesn't have nostrils then he wouldn't be able to blow his nose and make it sore from tissues.
 * There are only seven Snifferton Nostrils players on the bus when there are eleven players on a professional soccer team. However, some of them may have traveled separately.
 * When the nets first appear they have four antennas but when Phineas kicks the ball into the net there is only two.
 * When Ferb is standing next to Phineas, and he is holding the soccer ball, he has four legs.
 * When Baljeet calls for a pass the socks that of the person who passes the ball to him are blue, when Baljeet's team was wearing yellow socks, meaning the other team passed it to him.
 * In the Football X-7 stadium, the timer moves backward; in fact, in soccer, the timer goes forward.
 * Right when Phineas says "Ferb! The E-flat above high C!" His eyes are bigger than usual but in the next shot his eyes are normal.
 * At the end when Jeremy and Eliza appear, Jeremy's skin is darker then before.
 * Buford plays an E-flat on the piccolo, but his fingering would produce an F#.
 * When Pele is running with the ball from Phineas and Ferb, the white trim on Ferb's shirt is missing.

Continuity

 * Second time Buford is asked if he has an instrument. The first was in "The Ballad of Badbeard".

Allusions

 * My Fair Lady - The title, as well as the concept of a woman becoming "proper," are taken from the famous Broadway musical which is based on the George Bernard Shaw play Pygmalion. Candace's role is similar to that of Eliza Doolittle, the Cockney girl who Professor Higgins tries to "improve." Coincidentally, here the Higgins role is played by a girl named Eliza.
 * Big Fat Greek Wedding-Lawrence introduces Ferb's cousins to Phineas with everyone of them being called "Beckem" or having a Beckem in their full name, just as in the movie when Gus introduces their relatives as everybody being named Nick except for one who is named Nicky.
 * Rhetorical - Doofenshmirtz's If-A-Tree-Fell-in-the-Forest-Inator plays on a famous rhetorical question: "If a tree fell in the forest and no one was around to hear it, would it still make a sound?", which also parodies the boys' expression at the start of "Tree to Get Ready." (It's true that a falling tree produces a sound wave, but it could be argued that a sound wave is not an actual sound unless somebody hears it.)
 * Soccer - The name of the kids are Beckham (British) and Pelé (Brazilian), the name of the two soccer players.
 * The Sex Pistols - Eliza's punk rock song about being ladylike sounds much like this legendary punk rock band; specifically, her vocal style resembles John "Johnny Rotten" Lydon.
 * The Blue Danube - This famous composition by Johann Strauss II plays when Doofenshmirtz rides around on his If-A-Tree-Fell-In-The-Forest-Inator.
 * Mecano - Ferb says that he is not a Brit or a Yank, just Ferb like a Mecano song in which someone says that he was not a man or a woman... just a person.
 * Beauty and the Beast - During the "Lady Song", Eliza and Candace are seen eating soup at a table, and the scene is very much like the scene where Belle teaches the Beast manners in the Disney classic.
 * Persecution for Having a Palindromic Name - Since Ross Eforp was active in the fifties, this may be a reference to blacklisting (which applied in the USA but not in Great Britain): in the early 1950s, many people in film and theater were suspected of being Communists, and on the mere suspicion were forced to go into some kind of hiding. One Hollywood writer, Dalton Trumbo, had to write under pseudonyms for years, and some performers, like Zero Mostel, were unable to work for many years because no studio would hire them.

Cast

 * Vincent Martella as Phineas
 * Ashley Tisdale as Candace
 * Thomas Sangster as Ferb
 * Alyson Stoner as Isabella
 * Bobby Gaylor as Buford
 * Maulik Pancholy as Baljeet
 * Jack McBrayer as Irving
 * Caroline Rhea as Mom
 * Richard O'Brien as Dad, Additional Voices
 * Mitchel Musso as Jeremy
 * Dan Povenmire as Dr. Doofenshmirtz
 * Jeff "Swampy" Marsh as Major Monogram/Narrator (uncredited)
 * Dee Bradley Baker as Perry
 * Phill Jupitus as Adrian Fletcher, Additional Voices
 * Helen McCrory as Lucy Fletcher, Additional Voices
 * Jane Horrocks as Eliza Fletcher
 * Django Marsh as Beckham (blond), Additional Voices
 * Daniel Roche as Beckham (half-moon glasses)
 * Gary Lineker as Soccer Player #1
 * Darren Bent as Soccer Player #2
 * Additional voices: Asher Oyelowe, Joseph Wise