Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation!/Transcript

Act I
(Song: Phineas and Ferb Theme)

Chorus: There are two wondrous weeks for our winter vacation,

Before New Years and school comes to end it,

So the holiday challenge for kids of all nations,

Is finding a good way to spend it...

Phineas: ''Ahh! Christmas Eve. It was a great idea to climb back into bed this morning. Oh! I almost forgot! Helmets. All set! Let's do this thing.''

Bowling For Soup and Chorus: Like maybe...

Bowling For Soup: Turning our beds into dual toboggans,

And sliding down a ski jump tower!

Building a snowman the size of Colossus,

Or giving a Yeti a shower!

Chorus: Fa, la, la, la!

Bowling For Soup: Staging a snowball fight,

With giant catapults,

And snow angels that really fly!

Rocking a Christmas carol,

Wrapping a present,

Or just shoveling snow off the drive!

Phineas: Well, they can't all be fun.

Bowling For Soup: As you can see there's a whole lot of stuff to do before school starts next year,

So stick with us

'Cause Phineas and Ferb are gonna spread some Christmas cheer!

So stick with us

'Cause Phineas and Ferb are gonna spread some Christmas cheer!

Candace: ''Mom! Phineas and Ferb are making a Christmas special!''

(Scene opens up showing Phineas and Ferb's bed toboggans land on snow.)

Phineas: We're slowing down.

(Ferb presses a button and a rocket appears at the back, which then launches off)

Phineas: I...see...why...dogs...enjoyed...this...sensation!!!!!

Candace: Delayed! What do you mean delayed?

Linda: Candace, honey, the snow storm has delayed your grandparents' plane. Your father and I have to wait here at the airport until they arrived. It maybe hours...

Candace: But I need your help! Stacy told me that Marcos told her that Jeremy got the perfect gift for me!

Linda: Oh no, how will you manage?

Candace: Mom, think! If Jeremy found the perfect gift for me, then I have to find the perfect gift for him!

Linda: I thought you already got a gift for Jeremy.

Candace: I did, but I can't show up with an obvious, stupid present that anyone could've gotten him. The perfect gift means that you totally get the other person in the most deep and paying-attention-y way. If his gift to me is perfect and my gift to him isn't, he's gonna be so hurt and insulted, and think I'm lame and thoughtless, and he'll stop liking me! (Sobs)

Linda: Oh, Candace, honey, I don't think-- You poor thing. (Pauses) Forgive me, boys. What are your brothers up to?

Candace: Not a thing. Which is weird. What are they up to? Love you, Mom, gotta run, bye!

Phineas: Plow!

(Ferb hits a few buttons, the bed toboggan avoids the plow, and it goes off of a snow ramp)

(Candace sneaks down the hall towards Phineas and Ferb's room)

Phineas: House!

(Ferb hits a button on his remote, and the boys' window opens up)

Phineas: We're coming in too fast!

(Ferb pulls a lever and deploys parachute)

Candace: Those two are so busted... (Candace yanks open door) ... for lolly-gagging in bed?! That's not like you two.

Phineas: Well, hardly lolly-gagging. We've been working on a way to seize the day, while also not having to get out of bed so early. I think we can cross that one off our To-do List.

Candace: Let me see that. (She snatches Ferb's clipboard) Number one was write letters to Santa Claus. What, did you start this To-Do list when you were 3-years old?

Phineas: We write letters to Santa Claus every year. Don't you?

Candace: Bwahahaha, letters to Santa!? Ah haha. That's for little kids. Hahaha.

Phineas: Santa's not just for little kids, Candace.

Candace: Okay, fine. Let's assume there is a Santa Claus.

Phineas: Well of course there is. There's been a ton of reported sightings. Nordic(?) in 1978, Northern Scotland 1954, and the so called Santa clothe found in Istanbul 1912.

(Phineas shows Candace a slide show of the reported sightings)

Phineas: Santa's one of our biggest heroes. Talk about making the most out of one day. Imagine flying around the whole world, delivering toys and gifts to everybody in one night. Ferb and I have done some cool stuff in our time, but that, that's something else.

Candace: Again, let's assume there is a Santa Claus. He's got it easy. The hard part is trying to figure out what people want when they don't write you a letter, telling you exactly what they want most. I by "people" I mean Jeremy, and by "you", I mean "me", and uh, no the rest is pretty much literal.

Phineas: I'm sure Jeremy would get exactly what he wanted. If he wrote his own letter to Santa.

Candace: (Laughs) Letters to Santa? (Laughs) That's for little kids. (Laughs)

Phineas: Wow. She's lapped us.

Candace: Wait that's it! I'll trick Jeremy into writing a letter to Santa, so I can sneak a peek and learn what he wants straight from the horse's mouth. And by "mouth" I mean pen, and by "horse" I mean Jeremy, and yeah we're good.

Phineas: Or you could ask him exactly what he wants to avoid any unnecessary complications.

(Candace just stares at him, then laughs off his idea.=)

Candace: You are such a child sometimes.

(She leaves the boys' room)

Phineas: You know, Ferb, think of all the wonderful stuff Santa does for us, and he never asks for anything in return. Wait, that's it! Ferb, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

(Ferb hands Phineas a blueprint. Phineas studies it for a second)

Phineas: As usual, we're...Oh! Ugh! Aw, man, that's not at all what I was thinking! Oh! Dude!

(Ferb turns the blueprint right-side up)

Phineas: Oh. Yeah. That's it. I'll call in the troops, you wonder where Perry is.

(As Phineas leaves the room, Ferb makes a thoughtful face)

Fa la la la la la, fa la la la la la, fa la la la la la la!

(Perry puts a top hat on the snowman outside the Flynn-Fletcher house. It comes to life, a la "Frosty the Snowman")

Frosty the Snowman: Hello! Wintertime's fun! Follow me! (Motions to Perry, begins to walk toward the road. Perry follows him.) Come on! Follow me! ...plow!!!

(The camera is on Perry, so we do not see the snowman's demise. Perry covers his eyes. All that is left of the snowman is his carrot nose)

(Perry comes out of an elevator into the O.W.C.A.'s headquarters)

Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P. there you are. Merry Christmas. Oh great, you brought snacks.

(Major Monogram eats the snowman's carrot nose)

Major Monogram: Wintertime's fun, follow me.

Carl Secret Santa time. Agent P. Ah, here you are.

(Perry unwraps his gift)

Carl: Oh, a "Sal Tuscany Christmas". You lucked out, Agent P. Your secret Santa has exquisite taste.

Major Monogram: Criminy Carl, it's supposed to be a secret Santa.

Carl: What? No! I didn't get it for him.

Major Monogram: Huh, right.

Carl: No, really I didn't.

Major Monogram: The more you protest, the more we know you gave it to him.

Carl: Fine! Think what you want! Whatever!

Major Monogram: Okay, Scrooge.

(Monogram's wrist communicator sounds an alarm)

Major Monogram: Uh-oh, sorry Agent P. I guess evil never takes a holiday. If you'll direct your attention to the screen. Good morning Agent P. A wise man once said... eyes on the screen.

(Perry looks back to see Carl filming Monogram, who's holding a cutout of his normal uniform. Perry then turns back around)

Major Monogram: A wise man once said, "Evil never takes a holiday". We don't know what Doofenshmirtz is up to. But he's evil, and evil people hate Christmas. It's a cliche, sad cliche. Good luck Agent P and Merry Christmas.

(Carl's butt appears on the screen Perry was watching)

Major Monogram: Carl! Stop filming your butt, film mine. It's a party!

(Jeremy's cell phone rings, waking him up)

Jeremy: Hello?

Candace: Happy Christmas Eve my little drummer boy.

Jeremy: Hey Candace, you know I don't play drums, I play guitar.

Candace: I know silly-billy. So, Whatcha doin?

(Isabella puts down newspaper, and looks around, sensing that someone has used her catchphrase)

Jeremy: Not sleeping anymore. How 'bout you?

Candace: I just thought it was the perfect day to show some Christmas spirit, like when you were young and wrote letters to Santa... (Phineas and Ferb are seen hosting some of their thing to thank Santa) Would you keep that lame junk away from my window!? (At Jeremy) I'm sorry, what was I saying?

Jeremy: ...Writing letters to Santa Claus?

Candace: (Laughs) Letters to Santa? Oh! Brilliant idea. Let's get together and write letters to Santa, and be really specific, within a reasonable price range. For fun. I'll be over in a bit.

Jeremy: Candace, this isn't one of these things...

(Candace hangs up on Jeremy)

Candace: Hehehe, he doesn't suspect a thing. I just hope this works, 'cause I don't have a clue.

(Song: What Does He Want?)

Candace: What kind of present does he dream about?

A leather wallet or a singing trout

What I should get him is a mystery

And if it's lame, will he still want me?

Stacy/Jenny: What does he want?

Candace: A DVD or some video games

Stacy/Jenny: What does he want?

Candace: Or maybe one of those new digital frames

Stacy/Jenny: What does he want?

Candace: Something to fit his personality

Stacy/Jenny: What does he want?

Candace: The perfect present is eluding me

Candace: My friends all tell me that I shouldn't obsess

But how can I avoid the stress?

I need to know, but right now all I can do is guess

Stacy/Jenny: What does he want?

Candace: A fancy cell phone or a tube of grout

Stacy/Jenny: What does he want?

Candace: I don't know, but I'll figure it out

Stacy/Jenny: What does he want?

Candace: Rear-view mirror glasses as seen on TV

Stacy/Jenny: What does he want?

Candace: I only wish I knew what he got me...

'Cause I hear it's perfect.

What does he want?

(On top of the Flynn-Fletcher house is a giant structure, welcoming Santa)

Phineas: Awesome! Phase one complete. Hey guys.

(Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet walks up)

Buford: Cool clubhouse.

Phineas: Oh, no. This is not how you would say a "clubhouse". This is the ultimate rest and relaxation lounge, perfectly tailored to the jolly rubenesque world traveler. (Awkward pause) It's a rest stop for Santa.

Isabella: Oh, I see.

Baljeet: Oh, why did you not just say that?

Phineas: Highlights include: sauna, massage table, satellite television, elliptical machine to work off all the milk and cookies, milk and cookies, reindeer feeding station, and of course beard purifier. But this is only the beginning. Remember when you wrote letters to Santa asking him for presents?

Isabella/Buford/Baljeet: Yes.

Candace: (Laughs in distance) Letters to Santa?! (Laughs again)

Phineas: Did you always get the presents you asked for?

Isabella/Buford/Baljeet: Pretty much. Yes.

Phineas: Of course. Now did you ever write a thank-you note to Santa?

Isabella/Buford/Baljeet: Well, no, but...nobody ever told...no.

Phineas: Well, I think it's time someone did something cool for Santa to show him we appreciate everything he does for us. So we're gonna turn the entire city of Danville into a giant, shimmering thank-you card for Santa Claus.

Buford: So what you're saying is it's not a clubhouse.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!

(Perry bursts through Doofenshmirtz's wall)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, I have a present for you. And by "present," of course, I mean "trap." (Perry is wrapped in Christmas lights) Aw, look how festive you are. Wait, wait, hold on. (puts a partridge on Perry's bill) And a partridge on a Perry... the platypus. Now, Perry the Platypus, behold the Naughty-inator! When activated, the Naughty Nectar in these giant glass cylinders will create a massive charged cloud of pure naughtiness. When Santa then makes his list, and checks it twice, everyone in the Tri-State Area will appear to be naughty instead of nice. And no nice equals no Santa equals no Christmas. There's just one tiny, little blemish on my otherwise perfect plan. I don't actually have a problem with Christmas. There's no tragic holiday-related back-story in my past. Christmas was always fine growing up. It wasn't great, it wasn't horrible. You see, unlike every other evil scientist, I don't hate Christmas. There are plenty of other holidays I can't stand. For example... Wait, wait, hold on. I can't get this-- Uh, for example...

(Song: I Really Don't Hate Christmas)

Doofenshmirtz: You see Valentine's is torture

And my birthday is a mess

New Year's is a lot of noise, and Arbor Day's a pest

Halloween's a horror but I guess I must confess

That I really don't hate Christmas!

You see Flag Day is infernal, April Fool's is just a bore,

Mardi Gras a waste, unless you own a candy store,

All these other holidays I can admit that I abhor

But I really don't hate Christmas.

Now, it isn't that I like it, all the most I feel ambivalence,

But should I really just destroy it? I'll admit that I'm still on the fence

It makes me tense!

From the evil scientists' community I'm sure to get ejected,

But for Christmas I can't seem to summon any true invective,

Because what is there to hate? I mean, it's really so subjective.

No, I really don't hate Christmas.

I hate puppy dogs and kittens, I hate flowers in the spring,

Heck, I even hate the sunshine and the birdies when they sing,

I can work up animosity for almost anything

Tell me why I don't hate Christmas.

Though my childhood was atrocious, Christmas never was that bad, you see,

So the most that I can muster is complete and total apathy.

What's wrong with me?

How can I prove that I'm an evil villain worth his salt

When with a holiday so jolly I can't even find a fault?

If I didn't feel ambiguous I'd launch a big assault,

But I really don't hate Christmas.

''Oh, what the heck. Kickline!''

No, I really...

No, I really don't hate Christmas!

I have an intense BURNING difference!

Doofenshmirtz: I didn't even create the Naughty-inator myself because I compulsively, obsessively, just couldn't be bothered. Nah, the plans were mailed to me from Borneo where my Uncle Justin is rumored to be in hiding. It's really a sweet gift, but how can I destroy Christmas without having a good reason. (sighs) Well, I guess I have no choice. (he presses a button and a chair pops out of the ground and he flops in it) But to sit and wait for a reason.

Act II
(scene opens up showing Phineas and Ferb on a podium)