Moon Farm/Transcript

Scene opens up at the Flynn-Fletcher backyard

Stacy: Hey Candace, what’re you doing out here?

Candace: Hey Stacy. [blows fire] I’ve got a lot of things to do today, so I figured I’d bust Phineas and Ferb early. You know, just to get it off my plate.

Stacy: How long have you been out here?

Candace: Since last night

Stacy: Yeah well… who are those guys?

Candace: I don’t know… who are you guys?

Random guy: I thought you were waiting in line for concert tickets.

Candace: This is my backyard!

Random guy: there’s always some kind of concert going on back here, I just thou—

Candace: Get out of my yard!

Random Guy: Not a morning person.

Stacy: So what’s this big thing you wanted to do?

Candace: Well, remember when Jeremy made that romantic dinner for me?

Stacy: Candace, he microwaved you a pizza

Candace: Yeah, a pizza for two.

Stacy: Ah yes.

Candace: So I want to reciprocate and make him a romantic dinner

Stacy: Are you sure? Candace I don’t know a lot about cooking.

Candace: Well neither do I, but I figure we’ll use what you know and what I know and between the two of us we can figure it out right?

Stacy: Hm, why not? Now where’s the cooking room?

Candace: It’s in the kitchen, that’s where we keep all the cooking tools

[Ground rumbles, and spaceship emerges from the ground]

Phineas: Hey Candace! We’re going to the moon!

Candace: The moon? Wait a minute, why are you going to the moon? Kind of a step backwards considering you’ve already been to Mars.

Phineas: Do you remember that old nursery rhyme ‘the cat and the fiddle?’

Candace: Vaguely.

Phineas: Apparently, there was a last verse that was lost to history, until Ferb and I found it in the Dead sea. It’s a little wet and salty, but I’ll read it. ‘Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. Due to the moon’s low gravity, the moon jumping cows’ milk produced the best tasting ice cream ever!’ That last verse didn’t rhyme, so they left it out of most versions. Ferb and I are going to the moon to see if it’s true!

Candace: Don’t you need some cows for that?

Phineas: We do indeed.

[Ferb uses a Cow Cup]

Cow Cup: Cows get on the ship

Candace: Okay, [scoffs] that’s the dumbest thing I—

[Candace dives out of the way as cows rush onboard the ship]

Candace: Phineas and Ferb, I’m going to count backwards from ten, and when I’m done, you better be down here so I can bust you!

Candace: Nine…eight…

Baljeet: Oh! Let us get to our stations.

Candace: Five…Four..Three…Two…

[Spaceship blasts off]

Candace: …One.

Phineas: Hey, where’s Perry?

Scene switches to Perry

[Perry knocks on panel near fireplace]

Major Monogram: Morning Agent P. Our sources tell us that Doof is up to something. We need you to infiltrate Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and have a little look see. To make it easier for you to get in, we have one of our operatives installing Central Access Thresholds, or, CAT door. So, let’s get out there and, good luck!

[Perry salutes and leaves]

Carl: So now I’m an operative?

Major Monogram: We’re still not paying you Carl.

Scene switches back to Phineas and Ferb; spaceship is landing on the moon.

Phineas: Remember everyone, the moons gravity is 83.3% less than earth.

Buford: So what?

Phineas: So what? So let’s bounce! [Jumps off spaceship] Whee!

Baljeet: [Hung upside down by Buford] No, No, Buford! Please do not drop me I—[Buford lets go] – Oh! Oooh, well this is not so bad.

Buford: Yeah? Give it a second.

[Crashing noise, as Buford lands on Baljeet]

Baljeet: Oh! How is it possible that you are heavier on the moon?

Scene switches.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

[Perry enters, and gets caught in a trap]

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus. [pause] What? Oh yes, the green? [Chuckles] I can explain. [Flashback]

Doofenshmirtz: It started two days ago when I was watering my plants. I noticed a beautiful garden on my neighbours balcony. Oooh, I got so jealous. So the guy at the store told me—among other things—that my plants wouldn’t grow because I didn’t have a green thumb. A-and I should stop bothering with these types of plant questions and that my mere presence in the store was destroying his plants. So I got a big bucket of green paint, and I poured it on myself. Then I was green everywhere, except strangely my thumbs, I think it was the way I was holding the bucket.

[Flashback over]

Doofenshmirtz: Anyhoo, with another great idea, I created the moisture-suck-inator! See? See? I don’t know why I built it here when I was going to use it on the balcony…that wasn’t—anyhoo, this device will suck all the moisture out of my neighbors plants, which will turn them brown, and make my plants look greener by comparison. And I will finally have a green thumb! You know not actually- metaphorically! I’ll have a gre—

[Pause]

Doofenshmirtz: Oh! [Smacks head] it’s a metaphor! [Sighs] and I wasted all that money on green paint.

Scene switches back to the moon; Phineas is putting air into an inflatable farm.

Phineas: Okay, nice job everyone! Now the cows have a place to live.

Baljeet: But what will the cows eat?

Phineas: Ah not to worry. After scientists discovered the existence of frozen water on the moon, Ferb and I began shooting seeds up here. Then we shot up hundreds of these pocket warmers to melt the ice in the ground.

Baljeet: But Phineas, there’s no oxygen here!

Phineas: That’s alright, the grass will create its own oxygen through photosynthesis!

Baljeet: Yes, but you would still need so—[Grass shoots up]—Oooh, or not.

Phineas: We got our grass Ferb, let’s get the herd fed.

[Ferb uses cow cup]

Cow Cup:  '[moos] Cows, lunchtime.

[Cows start mooing as they eat.]

Scene switches to Candace and Stacy.

Candace: Oh my gosh Stacy, your cooking hat looks so cute

Stacy: Yours too!

Irving[from outside]: Mission control to Moon Farm.

Candace: What’s that?

Irving: Come in Moon Farm

Phineas [through radio]: This is moon farm, come back.

Irving: Oh, this is mission control. Your transmission’s a little garbled, but still understandable, over!

Candace: Hey! [marches over] What do you think you’re doing?

Phineas: Is that Candace?

Irving: Yes, she was just about to—

Candace: Give me that! [snatches microphone]

Phineas: Oh hi Candace. How’s the cooking for Jeremy going?

Stacy: Hey ask him what we should cook!

Phineas: Roger that Stacy. Ferb suggests lamb cobbler on account of Jeremy’s British background.

Candace: We don’t have that recipe.

Phineas: That’s okay, Ferb knows it by heart! You and Stacy go in the kitchen and we’ll relay the recipe step by step through mission control.

Candace: Alright. But I’m still busting you! I’m still busting them.

Phineas: Ferb says the first thing you’ll need is a big bowl, over.

Irving: Roger, mission control out. [pause] A big bow? Hm, well I guess that’ll make it look pretty.

Scene switches back to Doofenshmirtz and Perry.

[Doofenshmirtz is dragging the moisture-suck-inator to the balcony]

Doofenshmirtz: [groans] I got it. Man, why didn’t I put wheels on this thing?

[Continues pushing]

Doofenshmirtz: There. [cracks back] I’ll just aim it…there perfect. Now, you will witness the dehydrating effects of my moisture-suck-inator on my neighbours garden! And [steps on switch] Fire!

[Beam of green light hits neighbours garden]

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, that doesn’t seem to be working. Let me try it on something else. Hmm… [Drags the moisturesuckinator to Perry]

Doofenshmirtz: this is going to hurt you more than it’ll hurt me, Perry the Platypus. Fire!

[Perry is dehydrated opens and closes his dry mouth]

Doofenshmirtz: Ha ha! Oh look at you, you’re pruny the dehydrapus. [Pause] Hm.

[Perry continues opening and closing his dry mouth]

Doofenshmirtz: I wonder why it didn’t do that to the neighbors plants. Maybe it’s too far away- maybe- argh. [grinding noise] I gotta try it again. I’m not going to let that guy make me look like a nincomp—

[Doofenshmirtz is targeted by the moisturesuckinator.]

Doofenshmirtz: --Oh poop. [Green beam hits him]

[Doofenshmirtz and Perry open and close their dry mouths back and forth]

Doofenshmirtz: I’m going to go get a glass of water. [pause] you want one Perry the Platypus?

Scene switches back to the Flynn Fletcher household.

Stacy: This doesn’t seem right Candace. I mean, four eggs bleated, a big bow, one pound of lamp—I mean that’s not even food.

Candace: Trust me Stacy, as annoying as Phineas and Ferb are, they’re usually right.

Irving: Phineas and Ferb say—

Candace: Nu- Not in the house [Footsteps]

Irving: Phineas and Ferb say, three cups of self righteous flowers

Stacy: You see? That’s what I’m talking about; self-righteous flowers? What are self righteous flowers?

Candace: Well roses always seemed stuck up to me.

Stacy: [pause] Okay, so let’s go pick some roses.

Scene switches to moon.

Buford: Moon!

Cow: [Moos]

Buford: Moo-na. Two syllables cow, two. Moon-na.

Cow: [moos]

Buford: Man these cows are dumb.

Scene switch: Doofenshmirtz evil inc.

Doofenshmirtz: Ah that’s much better. I was parched, how about you? We should do this more often, this was nice. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to jetpack over to my neighbours balcony and see what’s going on with those plants. [jetpack spurts fire, burning clothes] Right after I change my pants.

Scene switch: Candace and Stacy

Stacy: So what’s next Irving?

Irving: Phineas and Ferb say, bake at 350 for one hour. Serves two. Speaking of serves two, I was thinking of- you know- after you girls are done here maybe we could—[Door closes on him]—Okay, that’s golden, we’ll just put a pin in it for now.

Candace: Stacy, what are we going to do? Jeremy will be here in five minutes!

Stacy: Relax Candace, it’s simple math. Instead of 350 for one hour, we’ll just cook this for five minutes at…[punches buttons on a calculator]…9000 degrees. [pause] What could go wrong?

Scene switch: moon.

Phineas: Okay everyone, icecream’s ready. Let’s dig in. [licks] Mmm. This is the best icecream I’ve ever had!

Song: Lunar Taste Sensation

Oh, that's right! Houston, we've got a situation You better stand by the phone! It's a brand new lunar taste sensation Served on a waffle cone! We got chocolate, vanilla But we don't have rocky road! It's not that we don't like it! We left the marshmallows at home I blame Baljeet!

Baljeet: Hey! What do you mean you blame Baljeet?

Voice: Well it was clearly your responsibility.

Baljeet: Where are you getting your information from, disembodied reggae space voice?

Voice: Hey, I have a name you know.

Baljeet: Oh yeah? What is it?

Voice: Well, it’s disembodied reggae space voice, but that’s just a coincidence, you didn’t know that!

Baljeet: Oh, look who’s insensitive! Besides, Buford could have brought the marshmallows.

Buford: Hey, leave me out of this!

Phineas: Guys guys, we have limited time here! Baljeet, could you please stop arguing with the soundtrack?

Baljeet: He started it.

Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz.

[jetpack landing]

Doofenshmirtz: Hey you, I got a question for you. How do you get your plants—What? Plastic! [pokes plastic man]

Man: Something I can help you with, rocket man?

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah! What’s with all the plastic plants? And the plastic man?

Man: I like plastic.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh so you’re just trying to make me look like a fool. Well I don’t’ need you [accidentally turns on jetpack] Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow! I’ll just take the stairs.

Scene switch to Candace and Stacy

Candace: I don’t know Stacy, I got a bad feeling about this. What am I going to do if it isn’t even edible?

Stacy: Well technically it is English food.

Candace: Well, here goes. [opens pot, gasps] Lamb cobbler! And it’s beautiful!

Stacy: How could that be? We didn’t even put lamb in it.

Backyard

[Spaceship lands]

Candace: Phineas and Ferb, what’s going on out here?

Phineas: Hi Candace, we brought you some moon cow ice cream!

Candace: I don’t care if you brought me ice cream from the moon; when mom sees this spaceship in the yard, you two’ll be so busted.

[Spaceship is launched by cows]

Phineas: Huh. So how do you think our cows will do up on the moon?

Ferb: Well, photosynthesis will start creating oxygen and eventually an atmosphere. Our bovine friends will be fine.

Phineas: Cool. We know where to go for ice cream.

Scene switches to Perry, who pushes the moisturesuckinator off the roof, causing a green beam to be shot at Candace’s lamb cobbler.

Candace: [opening pot, gasps] It’s all dried out!

Jeremy: Hey everybody!

Candace: Jeremy! I—uh—you’re here!

Jeremy: Hey Candace, it’s really nice of you to make something for me. I can’t wait to see what you’ve come up with.

Phineas comes up and looks at Candace’s ruined lamb cobbler, beckoning Ferb over.

Candace: Oh—uh—yeah…

Jeremy: I’ll bet it’s great.

Ferb takes the lamb cobbler from behind Candace.Phineas comes up and hands Candace the tub of ice cream without her knowing.

Candace: Um… here’s the thing. It’s uh…I—I just don’t know if you’ll like it.

Jeremy: Ooh, ice cream.

Candace: What? [Phineas gives a thumbs up] Oh, yeah. Ice cream for two.

Scene switches to Perry.

Doofenshmirtz: Uh… Perry the Platypus? [Chuckles nervously] Yeah, I’m over here. Yeah I uh… I forgot my keys so I thought I—you know, just fit through the uh…[Perry opens door] Oh good, you’re going to go get ____________________. Wait, what’s that? That better not be a ‘Do not disturb’ sign. CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!!