My Fair Goalie/Transcript

Part I
(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher House.)

Phineas: So, Ferb, your cousins from England are here visiting.

Ferb: (Nods)

Phineas: No, I mean your cousins from England are here visiting.

Lawrence: Look, boys, it's your cousins visiting from England! They're here to see the exhibition football match between Danville and their beloved Snifferton Nostrils.

Adrian, Lucy, Eliza, Beckham, Beckham, Beckham, Pele, Pele: Ooh, Nostrils!

Lawrence: So, the Nostrils are here in the States?

Adrian: Yes, they've already landed, and they're probably on the team bus even as we speak!

(Song: Nostrils on the Bus)

Jingle Singers: Nostrils on the Bus!

Lawrence: Ha! Fabulous! Anyway, Phineas, this is Uncle Adrian, Ady for short, Aunt Lucy...

Lucy: Hello!

Lawrence: ...and their kids, Beckham, Beckham, Pele, Beckham, Pele, and Eliza. Well, her middle name is Beckham.

Phineas: Hi, guys!

Adrian: (Hugs Ferb and tousels his hair) Good heavens, Ferb! What a fine young man you've grown into. (Chuckles) Good to know you, Phineas! I hear about you all the time.

Lawrence: Oh! So you have been reading my newsletter?

Adrian: Oh, heavens no. I read Ferb's blog.

Lawrence: Well, at least you've learned to read.

Adrian: Ouch!

Lawrence: Why don't we go inside and continue our good natured sibling rivalry there.

Adrian: Yes, that way you won't be humiliated in front of the children.

Linda: Oh, sibling rivalry is so attractive.

Lucy: Ady has such a healthy competitive spirit.

Linda: Eliza, honey, why don't you come along. Candace is up in her room.

Beckham (blond): So cousin Ferb, you lived in America longer than you lived in England.

Beckham (half-moon glasses): You haven't gone Yank on us, have you?

Phineas: Oh, don't worry, guys. Ferb's as British as ever!

Isabella: Hi guys. Whatcha doin'?

Phineas: Oh, hi, Isabella.

Baljeet: Hello, everyone. I was just cleaning my room and I thought I would return some of the things Ferb lent me. Your cowboy hat, your baseball mitt, your banjo CDs, your American flag unitard, oh, and here's your bald eagle. (Gives all the things in order and when Baljeet says bald eagle, it flies away) Oh, and Phineas, here is your sack.

Phineas: Awesome! Come to papa! [receives the sack]

Beckham (blond): Oh, yes. Very British.

Buford: What's going on?

Phineas: Oh, it's silly. Ferb's cousins think Ferb has lost his Britishness.

Buford: Ferb's British?

Beckham (blond): Apparently not. I bet you don't even play football anymore. (Scene zooms to the football Beckham is holding, playing horrible music)

Buford: You dweebs, that's a soccer ball. This is a football! (Scene zooms to the other football Buford is holding, playing the music again)

Phineas: Actually, there's no one who loves soccer more than my brother Ferb! Ferb got all of us into playing, and we've gotten pretty good if I do say so myself. But Ferb, he's the real master.

Isabella: Yeah, I once saw Ferb playing an entire game of soccer using a pumpkin! And he didn't even break it! To this day, his motivation for doing so remains shrouded in mystery.

Beckham (blond): Well, if you're all such crackin' footballers, then we challenge you and your friends to a football match. (While saying this, he passes the ball to his brothers and the brown-haired Pele kicks the ball to Ferb, and the scene zooms to Ferb's eyes playing the same terrible music.) So what do you say? Playground rules?

Phineas: How about Football X-7 rules? (Scene again plays the same music zooming, and the two brothers' heads go to the scene. The cousins gasp.)

Beckham (blond): Football X-7? That's only theoretical!

Phineas: Only for another couple of hours, because I know what we're gonna do today. Hey, maybe Perry wants to be on our team. (Music plays again while it zooms in on the patch of grass the Perry was on.)

Beckham (blond): (Walks up to the patch of grass that Perry was on) Who's Perry?

(In Perry's lair..)

Major Monogram: (Coughs) I apologize, Agent P. I'm a little, under the weather today. First, I was convinced that Carl got me sick, you know, that old knee-jerk blame Carl thing but then, then we received this, this morning.

Doofenshmirtz: (On radio) (Coughs) Uh...hello, Major Monogram, this is Heinz, it's 7:45 on Tuesday, I'm really sick. So, I won't be able to do evil today. Anyway, (Coughs)

Major Monogram: Can you believe this? He had the nerve to call in SICK? I'm here, Carl's here. Don't you think I'd rather be at home, watching Ducky Momo? Agent P, you've got to get in there, and, (Coughs) I don't know, get him better. Stop him from stopping the things from which, (Snorts) you have to stop him...for...

(Carl faints)

(At the Flynn-Fletcher house; in Candace's room...)

Jeremy: And that as much as you thought you needed me too

Eliza: Brilliant!

Jeremy: Thanks. Most of my favorite bands are British. I guess I'm kind of an Anglophile.

Candace: Anglophile? I thought your family is from Wisconsin. I mean, just....

Eliza: Candace, it just means that he likes things that are British.

Candace: Oh. I knew that.

Jeremy: Oh, man, I gotta get home and help my mom. I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Eliza: Splendid!

Candace: Coolness!

Jeremy: Nice to meet you, Eliza.

Eliza: And you as well, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Oh, by the way, cool accent.

Candace: Cool accent? Cool accent? He's never complemented me on my accent!

Eliza: Well, to be fair...

Candace: I'm not all Britishy and sophisticated!

Eliza: Oh, Candace, don't be silly, it's obvious Jeremy likes you just the way you are.

Candace: DON'T TALK CRAZY! You gotta teach me how to be all Anglowishy and ladylike and proper!

Eliza: But Cand...

Candace: Obviously my relationship with Jeremy depends on it! So you'll help me?

Eliza: Yeah, alright.

(In the living room and kitchen, Adrian and Lawrence hold their breath. Lawrence loses.)

Adrian: Hah! I've given you a sound thrashing, I have!

Lawrence: Yes, yes, you always did have more wind than I.

Lucy: That's my Adrian. So talented.

Linda: I don't know if I would be bragging about holding my breath for 13 seconds. (Chuckles)

Lucy: Well, at least Lawrence is always so gracious in defeat. Hors d'oeurves anyone?

Adrian: I'll bet I can make myself sick eating prawny-puffs before you can.

Lawrence: Carnivorad sick or emergency room sick?

(Documentary Video appears...)

Speaker: (Intro theme playing...) Sweaty Man Playing Games Network presents Football X-7. Theoretical speculative conjecture or not that...what we just said, with the conjecture thing? Football. Sometimes called soccer, footy, association football or the beautiful game. But, in 1952 a British theoretical physicist, and football enthusiast Professor Ross Eforp, hoped to heighten the football experience by creating the most thrilling and challenging version of soccer imaginable, which still allowed the players to survive. He called it Football X-7. He proposed building an immense gyroscopic, gravitational stadium, creating an omnidirectional pitch allowing teams to play in 3 dimensions. After several attempts to build a Football X-7 stadium ended in disaster, most scientists, engineers and defensive mid-fielders agreed that Professor Ross Eforp's ultimate football game would never become a reality. The final blow came when it is discovered Professor Ross Eforp's name is the same spelled forwards as it was backwards, and in the highly-charged anti-palindrome atmosphere of the mid-1950's was forced into hiding. As for Football X-7, is it possible perhaps one day someone some young dreamer with remarkable building and creative skills might just make Professor Ross Eforp's dream come true, no, not a chance, don't be ridiculous it's impossible.

(Laptop turns off)

Phineas: Impossible?! The only thing that's impossible is impossibility. Now Ferb and I believe we figured out where Professor Eforp went wrong.

Beckham (blond): Oi. Are you actually saying you're gonna build that here?

Phineas: Yes. We are gonna do what no one has ever done before. Play the biggest, baddest, onliest game of Football X-7 ever! Now who's with me?

Isabella: (Raising their hands) We are, of course.

Beckham (blond): Completely med, the lot of them.

Phineas: Let's get started. Come on Ferb. We need to-- Ferb? Ferb? Ferb?

(Ferb daydreams with a background of emus knowing his emu curse)

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!

Doofenshmirtz: (Coughs) Perry the Platypus? What are you doing here? Did you get my mess-- Is that chicken soup?

(Perry points at the If-a-Tree-Fell-In-The-Forest-Inator)

Doofenshmirtz: What? Oh, that? Yeah I was planing to do evil today but look at me. I don't think it's gonna happen.

(Doofenshmirtz holds up the thermometer that was in his mouth)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh man, 103? Seriously, if I was a hot tub, people would be getting out of me. They'd be all like "Wow, Heinz Doofenshmirtz is way too hot. We should get out of him." Anyway, since you're here, I taped my rehearsal. I'll just play it for you. That'll be just as good. I shot this yesterday when I was feeling considerably better then.

Doofenshmirtz on TV: Lalalalala. Topeka, Kansas. Topeka, Kansas. Okay. So, Perry the Platypus, I bet you're wondering why I trapped you in this soundproof capsule! Wait, (Ugh) If it's soundproof he won't be able to here me... Oh,

(Doofenshmirtz pushes a button turning it into static. The screen goes back in a split second.)

Doofenshmirtz on TV: For generations philosophers have asked, "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" The answer, by the way, obviously is "Of course it does." I mean, duh, right? Philosophers, get a job, thinky-boy! Now see, the question they should be asking is, "What sound does the falling tree make?" Behold! The If-a-Tree-Fell-In-The-Forest-Inator! Dun dun dun! One blast from this puppy will knock over a tree or anything else for that matter-and the sound it will make will be: (Whisper) Doofenshmirtz... (Normal) I will have eternal fame as the answer to that one mythological question! I'm also working on a Sound-of-One-Hand-Clapping-Inator. Doo-Fen-Shmirtz. I'll CORNER the markets! And speaking of markets, I'm out of vitamins. I should really get some before they close, but... Eh. So I skipped my Vitamin C for a day. What's the worst thing that could happen?

Doofenshmirtz: Not one word, Perry the Platypus. You have to at least give me chance to do my thing, okay?