Nerds of a Feather/Transcript

Part I
(Scene opens up showing Candace sleeping. In the background, music plays in reverse.)

Candace: (Mumbles happily, then wakes up and gasps) Wow, trippy! I'm having one of those lucid dreams where I'm aware I'm dreaming so I can control it.

(Trumpet plays)

Talking Zebra: (Floats up, holding a picket sign with a picture of Candace) I voted for you, Kevin.

Candace: Cool! I'm gonna fly too! Okay, focus, and-- (Jumps off and falls) (Cracking) Oh no! I've broken my mind! Reality's shattering before my eyes! (Screams)

Phineas: Candace, you're fine. It's all special effects. (Presses a button; Red grids flash and the place turns into Candace's room)

Candace: Special effects?

Phineas: Yeah, cool, huh? Ferb and I are warming up before we meet our special effects hero Clive Addison today at the Science-Fiction and Fantasy Convention.

Candace: (Gets up) That explains why you're dressed in costumes from "Giant Losers: The Musical"!

Phineas: Actually, I'm dressed as Captain Lump Sharkboard from Space Adventure XIV. And Ferb is dressed as Hymie Silverman from Stumbleberry Finkbat and the Whining Wand of the Turtle Wizard. They're the two biggest movie series of all-time, and Clive Addison did the special effects for both.

Candace: Ugh! Stop being related to me! And take all your mirrors, and zebras, and junk and get out of my room!

Phineas: Zebras? (Ferb shrugs) Anyway, Ferb and I aren't in your room. We're already at the convention! (Presses a remote's button) Special effects! (He and Ferb disappear, as red grids flash on them. At the convention, a camera folds up and a briefcase closes) Look at it, Ferb. (Camera pans to the convention building) Science-Fiction and Fantasy, together at last. (Camera pans to him and Ferb) It's breathtaking. Let's get in there! Hey...

(Song: Doof 'N' Puss Theme Song)

Doofenshmirtz: "Where's Perry?" is written on this wanted poster, hanging on a tree. And we see this little hand reach up and tear the poster down and the music kicks in and all "Chika chika chow chika chow chow chika chika chika chika chow" and the opening credits start like on one of those cool 80's TV shows with a voice over. You know...

Major Monogram/Voice Over: A fugitive, semi-aquatic special forces amateur stage magician, framed for a crime he didn't commit, the 1865 assassination of Abraham Lincoln, joins forces with a rogue-trillionare inventor-extreme fighting champion from the future. Together with the aid of "R.I.C.K.", their super crime-fighting high-tech talking rickshaw, they'll bring hope, justice, and varying degrees of aquaticness to a Tri-State area in peril. Together, they are...

Female singers: Doof 'N' Puss!

Major Monogram/Voice Over: Tonight's episode, Ham on Rye, Hold the Mayor.

Doofenshmirtz: You know, in the future we won't sit and read newspapers in the morning. Instead, giant robots will control us in human death matches. (Camera pans to Perry, who is putting poker cards on the table) Well, that gives us something to look forward to.

R.I.C.K.: Good morning, team. (Comes out of the rickshaw)

Doofenshmirtz: What's up, Ricky?

(Perry chatters)

R.I.C.K.: I've detected some strange, out of character behavior from our mayor recently, which has me concerned. (His screen shows Roger, waving) Here he is from a news report over a year ago. (Camera switches to the footage) Notice how he waves, it goes side to side, see? (Replays the footage in slow-mo) Again, side to side. (His screen switches to another footage at night, with two men. One with a clipboard, the other with a big scissor, Roger, and Bridgette Oshinomi, with a chopped ribbon) Now, here's footage from just two days ago. (Roger lifts his hand) Watch. See? His hand goes up, and then he transforms into a wolf with fiery, red eyes, and runs howling into the misty night.

Doofenshmirtz: Now that you mentioned it, that is unusual for him.

R.I.C.K.: We've got to somehow get close to the mayor, and find out what's going on.

Doofenshmirtz: (Snaps his fingers) We're gonna need a turban and a wig. And while I'm out, I'm gonna pick up some bagels. Anyone else want anything?

(Candace sneaks towards the door while Linda is busy cleaning the stove)

Linda: Hi Candace, Where are you off to?

Candace: Oh... I'm uh... going to Stacy's.

Linda: Okay honey. What's in the big bag?

Candace: (Cautiously) Smaller bags.

Linda: Great, have fun.

(At the Science-Fiction and Fantasy Convention)

Phineas: Isn't it magnificent Ferb? Special effects extravaganzas just have a way of bringing people together. Albert: (Dressed as a dragon, speaking to Irving dressed in a costume similar to R2-D2) If you think Lumsharkbork can defeat Hymie Silverman the elf prince, than you are three phlorics short of a foxonian zipfeller, my friend.

Irving: Oh yeah? Well you can carry your own action figures.

Phineas: Ferb! there he is Clive Addison! do you have our special effects demo reel? (Ferb holds up the reel) Yes! I can't believe were going to meet him.

Irving: Oh! Phineas your just in time. Would you please tell this dragon loving heathen, that the Space Adventures movies are superior to the Stumbleberry Finkbat movies in every way imaginable. Phineas: Oh...uh...uh... We're just... (He groans when Clive Addison walks away)

Irving: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were in mourning.

Phineas: What?

Irving: Yeah, it also took me awhile to accept the fact that I had no brother any longer.

Phineas: What?

Irving: They actually think all those magic elves movies are better than Space Adventure's epic science-fiction genius.

Phineas: Well I...

Albert: Stumbleberry Finkbat and the Lost Shadow of Darkling Tower, alone was smarter, and more realistic then all the even numbered Space Adventure movies combined!

Finkie: Yeah man! You tell him!

Irving: Realistic? Space Adventure is based on hard scientific fact. It's like watching a reality show from the distant future.

Speckies: Yeah. Affirmative. That's correct. Exactly.

(Ferb whistles a tune, and walks to the Finkies side)

Irving: As it should...a be.

Irving: That fantasy stuff is for kids! It's almost as lame as dressing up as... Ducky Momo or something.

(A person dressed in Ducky Momo costume runs off)

Finkies: Finkies!

Speckies: Speckies!

(At City Hall)

Roger: Thank you for auditioning, but we're looking for something a little more dazzling for the mayor's ball.

Doofenshmirtz: No wait! We can dazzle, we can. I will now saw The Amazing Platydini in half. See? See? Platypuses, they're like butter.

Assistant to the Mayor: Mayor, we got this surveillance photo from the wig and turban supply store.

Roger: It's Doof 'n' Puss.

Doofenshmirtz: And now, Plat-ipadapbra!

Roger: Oh very impressive, Doctor Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus! Now it's my turn to make you disappear.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh no! Ninja Vampires! I hate these guys.

(Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus battle with the Ninja Vampires)

Ninja Vampire: (Seeing Perry the Platypus fighting with his body cut in half) Wow, he's good.

(Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus get backed up against a wall)

Doofenshmirtz: I picked the wrong day to stop carrying garlic scented throwing stars.

(At the Convention)

Jeremy: (Picks up his phone) Hey Stacy, how's it going? No, I haven't heard from Candace.

Stacy: What! See told me that she was hanging with you today.

Jeremy: Really? She told me the same thing about you. Anyway, I'm over at the Sci-Fi Fantasy convention with little suzy. She's really into the kids stuff. You know, like "Sea-Horsie Hospital", air you know, lame stuff like "Ducky Momo" (Seeing a person in a Ducky Momo costume) Ooh.

Suzy: Ducky Momo!

(Ducky Momo runs away, and Suzy chase after him)

Jeremy: Uh, Suzy? Wait, Suzy!

(Ducky Momo finally loses suzy)

Suzy: Aww

Jeremy: You know you can't run away like that.

Candace: (In the Ducky Momo suit) Oh, that was close. Why must it be so hard for a life-long, closet Ducky Momo fan to go to a Science-Fiction and Fantasy convention, and find cool, rare Ducky Momo collectables, without anybody discovering her dark, humiliating secret?

''(Song: Ducky MoMo is My Friend) When I was small, the world was such a strange place

But that was all until I saw his strange face

Quacking in slow-mo

Ducky MoMo is my friend

And since we've met, he's been a friend to count on

If I could bet, I'd put the full amount on

Never needing to know mo

Then Ducky MoMo is my friend

All the lessons that he's taught me brought me luck

Now when life throws eggs, I know how to duck

Oh, Oh, but now the world just points and laughs at me here

The hidden girl who risked so much to be here

Showin' my face is a no-no

But Ducky MoMo's still my friend

Ducky MoMo is my friend

Ducky MoMo is my friend

Finkies: Finkies!

Speckies: Speckies!

Phineas: Come on guys, aren't you blowing this all out of proportion?

Irving and Albert: No.

Finkies: Finkies!

Speckies: Speckies!

Finkies: Finkies!

Speckies: Speckies!

Irving: Come with me Phineas, you should meet with the Almordian Concil, they'll set you straight. (They walk off)

Phineas: But, what about Ferb?

Irving: Oh, forget about him, he's nothing to you anymore.

Albert: (to Ferb) Well, I guess I'm your new brother. Carry my action figures?