Lights, Candace, Action!/Transcript

Candace: "To think... To dream... Whether 'tis nobler to love, I know not." Ah, The Princess Sensibilities. My favorite play. What is going on out there?!

[Monster noises, Candace crushes monster set]

Would you keep it down out here?! You guys ruin everything! I am trying to practice the art of acting. And I will not be disturbed by your little movies!

Phineas: Not so little anymore. Last week our website got 176,000,000 hits.

Mom: Oh, sorry I'm late. They're filming down the street.

Candace: Filming? What What are they filming?

Mom: A movie version of the play The Princess Sensibilities.

Candace: [Gasps] I would be perfect for that part! I've been practicing it for my drama club all summer! I'm gonna get discovered!

Phineas: That's serendipitous. Hey, where's Perry?

Major Monogram: There you are, Agent P. There's something strange going on with Dr. Doofenshmirtz. He's been very quiet. A little too quiet. I want you to find out what's not going on, and... uh.. put a.. stop.. to it. I suppose. Good luck, Agent P.

♪ Doo be doo be doo ba, Doo be doo be doo ba, Doo be doo be doo ba, Doo be doo be doo ba, Doo be doo be doo ba ♪

♪ Agent P! ♪

Candace: There it is!

Excuse me, Uh, Mr. Producer, Sir?

Producer: I can't talk to you right now. My lead actress just quit!

Candace: Well sir, this is your lucky day! [Clears throat] "To think, to dream, whether 'tis nobler to love, I know not."

Producer: Heh. That's not bad. And you know your lines. Mmm, I don't know.

Candace: I'll do it for free.

Producer: You're hired.

Candace: Really?

Producer: You bet! With the money I save, I'll be able to hire the hottest new directors in town. Hello?

Candace: Wow! I can get used to this!

Man: Miss Candace, here's your contract and your bagel. This is Antoine, your dialog coach, Nikki, your swimming stand-in, and your personal trainers Olga and Chicago Joe.

Olga: Charmed, I'm sure.

Chicago Joe: Drop and give me 20!

Producer: Candace, Baby! Let me introduce you to the directors of this film.

[Camera goes down]

Phineas: Hi, Candace.

Candace: Phineas and Ferb? What are you doing here?

Phineas: We're directing the movie. Our new agent arranged the whole thing.

Isabella: Look. My client gets 3% of the gross and a piece of the back end, or he walks. Yeah, that's right. You mess with the bull, you get the horns, buddy. [Phone rings] Hello? Sid, baby, you got that 3rd act in line yet?

Candace: Wait, wait! Don't you think they're a little young to be big-budget movie directors?

Producer: With 176,000,000 hits, they'd be in diapers for all I care.

[Lyrical Music]

[Record needle scratches]

Candace: Phineas, I don't remember any monsters in The Princess Sensibilities.

Phineas: We just finished the rewrites this morning.

Candace: "The Curse of the Princess Monster"? That is not what I signed up for! Besides, I can't wear this! No one will see my face!

Producer: Yes, but in the end, the curse is lifted! And then your big dramatic scene, you will look stunning! This film could make you a star.

Candace: Really? A... a... star?

[Crowd cheering]

Man: Hey! Ugly monster! You're needed on the set!

Candace: I'm coming!

[Music playing] Oof! Oof! Oof!

[Suspense music]

♪ Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.! ♪

[Perry breaks door]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? Why do you keep breaking down my doors? Why don't you knock first? It's not even locked! This time, you'll pay. That's right, fork it over. What? Are you kidding me? This is not just drywall, you know! It's solid oak! That's more like it. You can't just go busting into people's houses for no reason, you know. Besides, I've given up evil to pursue the art of cheese making. Do you like stinky limburger? It's a Doofenshmirtz family recipe.

[Laughing maniacally, Cow mooing]

It's not ready, yet. It still has to age for 58 and 1/2 years. [Watch ticking] But who's got that kind of time, anyway? Which is why I created: The Age Accelerator... Inator.

Phineas: Okay, Candace. This is a very important scene. It is nothing less than the emotional backbone of the whole film. Oh, and the villagers are coming at you with everything they've got.

[Movie slate slams]

Candace: Uh, what do mean the villa-

Phineas: Action! The air force!

Candace: [Grunting] Hey!

Phineas: The space armada from the planet plumbing supplies!

[Clattering]

Candace: [Groans]

Phineas: Beautiful! That's a print!

Ginger:' [Whispering]

Phineas: Oh. That's a little embarrassing. [On megaphone] Okay, people, nice rehearsal! Let's take it from the top!

[Movie slate slams, Tropical music playing]

Candace: Wow! Is this banana hat for some cool tropical dance number?

Phineas: We're trying to com eup with some exciting camera angles for the big chase scene. So we strapped a camera on to this starving monkey.

[Monkey screeching]

Candace: AAH! [TV Static]

Phineas: [Laughing] Sorry that monkey cam didn't work out. We're gonna try it with Ferb this time. Now take this sandwich and remember, Ferb hasn't eaten lunch yet. [Monkey screeching]

Hold on tight.

Candace: Aah! [TV Static]

Phineas: Okay. In this scene, The monster; That's you, gets attacked by 800 cubic feet of rats, spiders, and snakes.

Candace: There is no way I am doing that!

Phineas: Relax. They're made out of rubber.

Candace: [Sighs]

Phineas: Well the snakes are, anyway.

Candace: AAH! Get em' off me! Get em' off me! Get em' off me! Get em' off me! Get em' off me! Get em' off me! Get em' off me!

Phineas: Okay. Candace, This is your beauty shot. The curse has been lifted, and you are no longer a monster. Now this scene, is what the heart wants, but the mind can't have. Take one.

Candace: To dream... To be free of the curse.

Phineas: Beautiful. Keep going, [On megaphone] Cue the magical girly dust!

Candace: Whether 'tis nobler to be loved... Achoo! [Thud]

Phineas: [On megaphone] Cue wind machine!

Ferb: [Turns on wind machine]

Candace: TO BE CURSED... BY LOVE... PHINEAS, MAKE IT STOP!

Phineas: CUT THE WIND MACHINE!

Ferb: [Turns off wind machine]

Candace: Oof!

Phineas: Okay. Drop the flower petals!

Candace: [Weakly] Whether 'tis no- [Sinks, Toilets and pipes fall]

Phineas: Wrong prop. What the heck. Let's keep it!

[Sink falls]

Candace: Oof!

Phineas: Okay people, that's a wrap!

Here's your big dramatic scene, Candace.

Candace: [Panting] To think... To dream-

Phineas: Cut!

Candace: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.

Phineas: Do it again!

Candace: To think, To-to stink, to-to-

Phineas: Cut!

Candace: This is horrible! I can't let anybody see this!

Phineas: That's what's called a rough cut. Ferb's gonna fix it in editing. Tighten up the dialog, do a little voice modulation, play with the filters, and now take a look!

[Lyrical music]

Ashley Tisdale: To think, to dream, to be free of the curse.

Candace: I... I... I look beautiful!

Phineas: That's what they call "Movie Magic".

Candace: You two are the best brothers a great actress could ever have!

Producer: We've packed the theater with teenagers. They're our target audience. If they like it, we're in business. If they don't, [Hisses]

[Lyrical music, then dramatic music]

Narrator: The Curse Of the Princess Monster.

[Audience cheering]

Producer: Looks like we got a hit movie!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now, Perry the Platypus, watch carefully as I demonstrate the Age Accelerator-Inator. [Lazer zaps] Hooray, it worked! And now to make some perfectly aged cheese! [Lazer zaps] Ah, perfect! You can actually see the pungent aroma. Here you go, Perry the Platypus. But I'm warning you, Once you start, you won't be able to stop. I'll go get some crackers.

We're in luck! I still have some left over melba to-- Oh no! The stinky cheese! What happened to the stinky cheese?! Perry the Platypus, You ate all the stinky cheese?!

NO! I created this for peaceful, cheese loving purposes, but now you forced me to wield it in anger! [Lazer zaps]

Perry the- Perry the Platypus, hold still! Hold still so I can blast you!