Primal Perry/Transcript

(Dramatic music plays, starts with grey "space" and black "shadows", we see Perry's silhouette weaving in and out of the shadows, Camera zooms out to show the word "Primal" in grey, then the word "Perry" appears beneath in in red with "spikes". The words "Phineas and Ferb present" appear above the words "Primal Perry". Scene cuts to the Flynn-Fletcher household. Dramatic music ends)

(Song: My Undead Mummy (instrumental))

(A bus reading "Danville Botanical Gardens" drives past; indoors, we see Perry walking through a doorway)

Major Monogram: Psst! Agent P!

(Perry looks around, confused)

Major Monogram: I'm in here! (Perry turns and moves to side of the vent Major Monogram is in, and puts his fedora on) Sorry for the break-in protocol, but this is urgent. Show him the photo,Carl.

(Camera pans right to show smaller vent to the side of Monogram's)

Carl: Yes sir. Here, Agent P. (Slides photo out of the vent, which Perry takes)

(Over Perry's shoulder, we see in the photo an alien shaking hands with a dragon, with a UFO in the background)

Major Monogram: Notice anything unusual, Agent P? Look closer, it's very subtle. (Perry stares down at it, wide-eyed) Here, use this. (Slides out a magnifying glass from the vent, Perry takes it and holds it up to his eye) See that small cluster of clouds? (Camera zooms in on the magnified clouds) It spells "Doof"! And "Doof" is short for "Doofenshmirtz"! (Perry puts down the photo and magnifying glass) That cloud is directly above the Danville Batanical Gardens! Two hundred acres of ecological diverse natural area. We need you to get out there and find out what Doof is. . .doofing! Here, (slides out a card from inside the vent) take my membership card. (Perry takes it and looks at it doubtfully) You get free parking and you get 15 percent off at the gift shop.

Carl: Sir, it says "non-transferrable" right at the bottom!

Major Monogram: Oh, Carl, they never look at the photo. Anyway, get out there, Agent P, and good luck! (Perry salutes, then leaves) And make sure to stop and smell the roses! Well. . . he never stops to smell the roses.

Carl: I know, sir.

(scene cuts to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard, with Buford, Phineas and Ferb)

Buford: In fact, it was the ancient Tunisians who actually developed many of the techniques still used today.

Phineas: Wow, Buford. I didn't realize the wedgie had such a rich history.

Baljeet: (offscreen) HEEELP!!! (Runs onscreen) Help! Help! Phineas and Ferb, and to a lesser extent, Buford! I am having an existential emergency! I find myself incapable of making decisions!

Buford: (Raises eyebrow) Is that a fact? You'd better sit down.

Baljeet: Okay. (Sits down)

Buford: Come to think of it, maybe your point would be better made standing up.

Baljeet: You are right! (stands up and puts finger up, about to speak)

Buford:Then again, you look kind of tired.

Baljeet: You are﻿ right. I'd better -- ''(proceeds to sit down again, but stops as he realises what Buford is doing) CUT IT OUT!  Phineas: How did'' you get in such a state, Baljeet?

Baljeet: Well, I was filling out my early college admission forms, and I-

Phineas: Whoa, Baljeet! College is, like, 9 years away!

Baljeet: I said early. Anyway, under personal preferences, I could not decide whether to select 'Loop' or 'String' theory. I was paralyzed with indecision!

Phineas:(gets to his feet) Oh, come on, that's easy! Loop! No, String! No- (Realises where Baljeet is coming from) oh.

Baljeet: Right? Then I started thinking about how important it is to make the right decision on everything! You see, every choice carries with it its own potential timeline. So every decision I make effectively nullifies the possible future! I can't even choose which flavour of ice-cream to order. If I choose vanilla, that may set me on the path of presidency. But if I have strawberry, I could get hit by a bus!

Buford: Well it's simple then. Don't choose the strawberry.

Baljeet: You are missing the point! I would not know that I chose strawberry I would get hit by a bus, I am just saying that every decision we make has unforseen repercussions!

Ferb: Actually ice-cream sounds pretty good.

Phineas: Yeah it does!

Baljeet: If it is okay with you, I have prepared a little presentation to illustrate my point. (opens up laptop)

(Song: Improbably Knot)

Baljeet: Don't know which choice to choose when people ask

Not sure which task to take, or take to task

I don't know which is best, or which is bad

I'm like a question mark, or hanging chad

Even doing nothing is still a choice like I must make

I'm paralyzed by fear that it will all become a big mistake

Robots: Everything is probable, nothing is impossible

Choices left to random chance are highly irresponsible

Everything is probable, nothing is impossible

Choices left to random chance are highly irresponsible

Baljeet: March, my little off-the-shelf 3-D package robots!

I do not know what to choose!

I do not want to lose!

Robots: Everything is probable, nothing is impossible

Baljeet: (closes laptop) I am sorry, everyone. It sounded a lot better in my head.

Buford: Exactly what time did you get up this morning?

Phineas: What if you could make both choices? Would that make you feel better?

Baljeet: Yes! I mean no. I mean yes and no. I mean I do not know!

Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're-

Buford: Wait, let me interrupt you! Where's Perry?

(scene cuts to Daniville Botanical Gardens, wher Dr. Doofenshmirtz is busy making smoke signals)

Doofenshmirtz: Wow, I had no idea that making smoke signals was so complicated! (Perry hops onscreen) Perry the Platyus!

Ruth: Excuse me, (scene switches to where two ladies, Ruth and Esther, are standing)you are in clear violation of the garden rules!

Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) Docents. (To ladies, causually) So, uh, what seems to be the problem, ladies?

Ruth: You are showing blatant disregard for our signage!

Doofenshmirtz: (Looks down and realises that he is leaning on a sign that reads,"Keep Off The Grass" in red letters) It's all good, ladies. I am a card carrying member of the Danville Botanical Gardens club member. (pulls out card) See? Here's my card! And I'm carrying it!(Esther takes card from him and takes out a laser pen and proceeds to scan the card)

Ruth: Then you should know better, Mr Doofenshmirtz.

Doofenshmirtz: Oof!(Exclaims as Esther sharply nudges him in the gut) And i-it's Doctor Doofenshmirtz. Okay, bye! (to Perry) See how cool I was with them, huh? (Perry's eyes flick to the camera, and he gives the audience a doubtful look) So, Perry the Platypus, I'll bet you're wondering why I haven't trapped you yet. It's because I've hired someone else to do it for me! (On cue, a boomerang flies on screen and slams into Perry. Scene cuts to show Perry tied up and suspended from an arbor) Hehe! Perry the Platypus, meet Austalian Platypus hunter Liam McCracken! I found him on an evil consultant website.

Liam: Semi-aquatic egg-laying mammals, I can't stand the sight of 'em. And you know what? I'll tell you why. (to Doofenshmirtz) D'you mind?

Doofenshmirtz: No! You know what? Why don't you do the backstory today?

Liam: Back in Australia, I had a good life, and platypuses ruined everything. You see, when I was young, (cue ripple effect, flashback to when Liam was a baby. Baby Liam is seen in a stroller gnawing on a boomerang)

Liam's mother: (In flashback, as she pushes baby Liam's stroller) Aww, does he like his boomerang, does he? (notices a platypus near the stroller) Oh my, look at the cute lil' platypus! Hello, cute little fella! (scene changes to show that she and Liam's stroller are at the top of a hill) Hold still! (stroller starts to roll away) That's right. . .  Saay. . . Musk lily!(flashback ends)

Liam:. . . And I never saw me mum again. It was on that day that I swore revenge on platypuses.

Doofenshmirtz: "Platypuses"?

Liam: No, no,  I know, it sounds wrong, but it's actually right.

Doofenshmirtz: I always thought it was "platypi".

Liam: That's also acceptable. They're vile animals, not to be trusted. . . (scene cuts to a close -up of his face). . . the only mammals with poisonous ankle barbs-

Doofenshmirtz: Wait, (turns to Perry) you have a poisonous ankle barb? How come I never knew that?

Liam: Well I'm prepared. I've got my own poisonous ankle barbs. And a little somethin' else up my sleeve. I'd like you to meet the ladies. (Opens up jacket to reveal rows of boomerangs, cue dramatic music. Perry stares at him) (Points to the boomerangs) This here is Nancy, Barbara, Jill, Lauren. . . (voice fades off into the background)

Doofenshmirtz: (Turns to Perry) In all fairness, Perry the Platypus, there was nothing in his profile about, you know, naming his boomerangs. Even I find that a little creepy.

(Scene cuts to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)

Isabella: Hey, Phineas! Whatcha' doin'?

Phineas: You're just in time, Isabella! In order to help Baljeet with his decision-making crisis, we've built the Infinite Probability Generator. (zoom out to show a giant contraption in the backyard) Once Baljeet's been through the machine's Infinite Imprinter, he'll be fundamentally altered at the probable level. Then, anytime he comes to a place where he has to make a choice, (shows Baljeet going into the machine) he'll split into two probability Baljeets.

Isabella: Allowing him to experience the consequences of both timelines?

Phineas: Exactly, Isabella! Hit it, Ferb! (Ferb does so, machine starts to whir and move with Baljeet in it)

Isabella: I love it when you guys tamper with the forces of nature.

Phineas: I know, right?

Buford: Is science happening yet?

Baljeet: I-I-I a-am fee-eling nau-usea-ated!!

Buford: Yep, sounds like science to me.

Candace: (peeps out from behind tree in backyard, binoculars in hand) Oh, this is so bustable!

Phineas: Alright, Ferb, let's get him outta there!(machine stops whirring, Baljeet is lowered, he falls from his seat onto the ground with a splat)

Buford: Now how're ya feeling, Baljeet?

Baljeet: Effervescent and frothy.

Buford: Just like my mom's homemade toothpaste!

Phineas: C'mon, buddy, get up! (helps Baljeet up)

Buford: How come he ain't split in two yet?

Phineas: Because he hasn't made a choice yet. (Music is heard)

Buford: Oh boy! It's the ice-cream guy!

Isabella: Oh, I thought it was someone's phone.

Phineas: Come on, Baljeet! Let's see if the Infinite Improbabilty Generator worked!(scene cuts to show Candace climbing over the backyard fence, a smile on her face) (All walk to the ice-cream truck) Howdy, Mike! My good friend Baljeet here would like to sample your fine frozen confections

Mie: Alright, Baljeet, what flavour? Vanilla or strawberry?

Phineas: Carpe diem, Baljeet. Carpe diem!

Baljeet: One vanilla- (he suddenly splits in two, Phineas backs away)

Second Baljeet:-and one strawberry!

Mike: Weird. And I've also got banana splits!

Phineas: (Laughs) Good one, Mike.

Mike: Here you go. Vanilla and strawberry. (drives away)

First Baljeet: Now I am beside myself.

Second Baljeet: And I like it!

Phineas: (Laughs) That's very clever, Second Baljeet.

Second Baljeet: Now that I have made both choices, I will no longer miss any opp- (DBG bus returns, hits Second Baljeet) What do you know! I was right!

Buford: Wow, tough break.

First Baljeet: Yes. . . but that means I am going to become President!

(scene cuts to show the small vent in the Flynn-Fletcher house which Carl was in earlier)

Major Monogram: Carl? Carl! Where are you?

Carl: I'm over here, sir! (pans right to show bigger vent, the one Major Monogram was in earlier)

Major Monogram: How did you get over there?

Carl: I was coming to see you! Why are you over there?

Major Monogram: I'm trying to get out of here! What are you trying to do?

Carl: Well, I was looking for you so that we could leave together!

Major Monogram: Oh, for Pete's sake.

(scene cuts, returns to Danville Botanical Gardens, we see Doofenshmirtz still standing with his back to Perry, Perry is seen pulling a pair of scissors out of his fedora)

Liam:. . . Danni, oh, and this shiny girl came all the way from Greece. I call her- (notices that Perry has escaped) What the blazes?!

Doofenshmirtz: (turns and sees that Perry has escaped) See, I told you he was good! Now, about your refund policy. ..

Liam': (to Perry) That hat don't make you special. you're still a platypus. (At this, Perry narrows his eyes and chatters defiantly) I'm gonna make you eat those words. . .(stops uncertaintly) or that noise. You and your hat are gonna make a fine addition to my trophy room. Doofenshmirtz: Trophy room? Whoa-whoa hold on a second, I just hired you to trap Perry the Platypus, not- (steps onto trap, trap snaps shut with Doofenshmirtz inside)

Liam: Consider me off the clock, doc. (throws boomerang at Perry, Perry dodges, but it returns,ropes burst out of its middle and trap Perry, while the boomerang returns to Liam's hand)

Doofenshmirtz: What is this, is this a hammock? If it's a hammock, it's way too tight. (Liam takes no notice, instead grabs rope and starts pulling Perry's rope towards hhim, Perry struggles and resists, but is unable to, Liam grabs his fedora and slaps one end of a handcuff onto Perry's wrist) Uh-oh, (sticks one hand out of the 'hammock') Mr McCraken, I think you caught me by mistake!

Liam: (slaps other end of handcuff onto Dr. Doofenshmirtz's wrist) No mistake there, doc. You're either with me, or against me. Come to think of it, I don't have a pharmacist on my trophy wall. . . yet.

Doofenshmirtz: Wait, whoa whoa whoa, what do 'you mean, "yet"?

Liam: I'm giving you sixty seconds head-start before the hunt commences.

Doofenshmirtz: I don't even know what you're talking about. (turns to the fedora-less Pery) Who's this platypus? Why am I handcuffed to him? Where is Perry the platypus? (Liam just ignores him) So to recap in order of importance, why am I handcuffed to him?

Liam: So as to make it easier to hunt the both of you. Now, run.

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, fair enough. (is pulled away by Perry) Whooa!! (scene changes to show Perry pulling Doofenshmirtz as they run through the garden, Doof talks but Perry ignores) Wow! You know, I really shouldn't have ignored the ninety percent of customer feedback that says he tends to go rogue. So, I guess we should introduce ourselves. My name is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz and you being a platypus, you can't talk to tell me. . . you know what? I'm just gonna call you Steven, is that alright? You look like a Steven to me. (stops and sniffs the air, looks off to his right and sees a rasher of bacon hanging in midair) Bacon! What luck! I had really worked up an appetite with all this eluding.(moves toward the bacon, but Perry narrows his eyes at it,hooks his foot around the leg of a nearby park bench and kicks causing it to fall onto the area below the bacon, a trap snaps shut around it. Liam ,some distance away, looks up at the recently activated trap)

Doofenshmirtz: Whoa, it was a trap?! I did not see that coming!

Liam: (to boomerang in hand) Alright, Nancy. Don't hold anything back, love. (throws Nancy, Nancy flies and takes a chunk out of a tree near to where Perry and Doofenshmirtz are, tree falls, Perry only just manages to pull Doofenshmirtz out of the way in time, Nancy returns to Liam's hand) What took you so long?

(scene cuts to show Flynn-Fletcher backyard, with Buford and the two Baljeets. Second Baljeet has his arm in a sling)

Buford: Alright, you two, let's get somethin' straight here. There'll be NO messin' with the Buford. Don't make no diff how many of you there are!

Second Baljeet: I would never mess with you, Buford!

First Baljeet: Neither would I!

Buford: That's good, 'cause I've still got ya number! Or would that be 'numbers'? (Candace enters, grabs both Baljeets and leaves) Hey, Baljeet, which one would be grammatically correct? (Gasps as he suddenly notices that both Baljeets have disappeared) How rude.

(scene changes to show the Flynn-Fletcher kitchen)

Linda: Finally getting 'round to spring cleaning in the summer. First up, the fridge.

Candace: Mom! Look what Phineas and Ferb did!(brings both Baljeets into the kitchen, but one of them is blocked by the fridge door, so Linda only sees one)

First Baljeet: Hello, Mrs Flynn-Fletcher!

Linda: Hello, Baljeet! How's your mom doing? (sniffs at a bowl of gray gunk thoughtfully before dropping it into the dustbin)

First Baljeet: Oh, she is doing well!

Linda: (Candace pushes fridge door closed, looks down in shock to see that Second Baljeet has disappeared, Linda barely notices) That's good. That's nice. Would you like a snack?

Baljeet: Something to drink if you have it.

Linda: (Opens fridge door) Let's see. I've got some grape juice and orange juice.

First Baljeet: I would like grape juice. (suddenly splits in two, Candace looks on in shock)

Third Baljeet: And orange juice!

Candace: (gestures to both Baljeets) Mom! Linda: (has her back to them, so she can't see them) My, someone's thirsty. Oh, there's more juice down here. Let's see. I've got pineapple, mango and tomato.

Baljeets: (as they split) Pineapple! Mango! Tomato!

Linda: Ookay, Baljeet. You weren't kidding, you really were thirsty! (bends down to show that four Baljeets have collected behind her) Candace: MOM!

(scene changes to show Danville Botanical Gardens once more)

Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) Hehheh, I think we lost him, you can slow down now.(Perry stops near a lake) I just said "slow down", I didn't say "stop". What are you looking at? (Perry stares out onto the lake, a determined look on his face) Oh no, we are NOT going- (cries out as Perry pulls him into the water) Hoo! That's cold! (Perry continues swimming downwards, Doof continues talking with his head out of the water) Wow, you're like a little motorboat there, Steven. (exclaims again as Perry pulls him in once more, Liam arrives at the lake shore, we see him putting on his gear, all of which is platypus-themed. Liam jumps into the water, he takes out a kind of slingshot boomerang and fires it at Perry. Perry sees this, and quickly digs up a large flat stone and uses it to shield himself, boomerang bounces off. Liam grabs Perry's tail, but lets go when Perry swipes him across the face with his ankle barb. Perry and Doof resurface) Wow, Steven, that was sweet! You've really good at that-that barb thing. (Perry suddenly notices something downstream and starts swimming upstream) What? Why are you turning aroud? Don't go back thhat way, that put-me-on-the trophy-wall guy is back there. (comes to a water fall) Oh, I see, a waterfall. Just in time for commercial. Isn't that convenient. (He and Perry go over the waterfall and start falling) What's that about, anyway? It's not a clifffaller, it's called a cliffhanger, and here we are, falling, and-watch watch watch, here we go, wait, look, yup yup see? There you go! Fading to black! (Scene fades to black)

(Scene resumes)

Liam: I know you're down there, ya platypus. And I'm gonna find ya.

Doofenshirtz:(Perry climbs out of the waterfall plunge pool with Doof close behind Hey! Hang on there, Steven. I'm tired of running. And I don't mean tired like, I need to sit down for a while, I mean although I am tired and I do need to sit down for- I'm fed up with that guy! And with your animal instinct and my vast knowledge of science, I think we can make a stand. What do you say? Are you with me? ''(Perry pauses for a while, then gives Doof a thumbs-up. We then see a montage showing Doof and Perry gathering wooden poles and placing them in a tree, lifting a statue with ropes, Perry stopping to sniff a rose before making use of its thorns to make a rope, which is then twined tightly around some Cattail reeds which in turn, are placed in the lake. Perry is seen moving a stone with his bill to hold them down, Perry and Doofenshmirtxz are seen contructing a cage of some sort with the poles from before and string, Perry climbs a tree to pull some of its bark down. This is used to make a glove, which Doofenshmirtz wears and uses to crush a pear. All of this happens while the dramatic music from the start of the episode plays)'' Groovy!

(Scene switches to the Flynn-Fletcher living room, where seven Baljeets have gathered) Baljeet #1: I wonder if the others would like some juice.

Baljeet #2: We should take some out to them!

Baljeet #3: What about Buford?

Baljeet #1 Indeed, what about Buford?

Baljeet #4: What has he ever done for us?

Baljeet #5: You mean to us!

Baljeet #2: Yeah! He can get his own juice!

All other Baljeets: Yeah!

Baljeet #1: The jerk!

Lawrence: (Walks in) Oh, hello, boys! Are we having a party, Baljeet? And Baljeet and. . . wait a moment, if he's Baljeet you must be. . . ?

All the Baljeets at once: Baljeet!

Lawrence:. . . Oh all right then, carry on! (exits room)

Baljeet #4: So then we are agreed. No juice for Buford.

Baljeet #2: Yeah! (Stands up) No juice for Buford. Come on! (Runs out)